They said what?

You are such a pain in the ass

2009-06-10T16:41:00.003-04:00

I have a friend who's always giving me backhanded insults. The only way I've been able to deal with it is to dish it back to him. He doesn't seem to care either way - nothing I say appears to bother him (huuuuge ego) - but it's really bothering me. I find myself fuming afterwards at the hurtful and jerky things he's said. He's even dissed my dog, and my husband's cooking! Jeez. But look what I've done now - you probably think I just hate the guy. You're probably wondering why we're even friends. Well, we hang out a lot, and most of the time it's tolerable. In fact, most of the time he's pretty fun to be with and makes me laugh. Should I just chill? Am I over-reacting? Should I throw my mid-morning oatmeal and raisins at him next time he bothers me?

How many of my answers have opened with the word 'ugh'? I'm not sure, but here's another one: ugh.

That type of behaviour can be hurtful, rage inducing, but also annoying, and, dare I say it? Yes. Embarrassing. My 'ugh' is the ugh uttered when you see a serious misstep committed in earnest cluelessness. Don't waste your breakfast: I suspect your friend snarks just because he doesn't know what else to do. He may even act this way because he's afraid you won't like him if he doesn't.

Some of us don't realize that it actually doesn't take a lot of cleverness to make fun of people; it is, in fact, easier than being kind, especially if you are particularly afraid of rejection. It doesn't require you to go out on a limb, like sincere expressions of admiration can. It's a classic mode of manipulation by the insecure: if you're afraid of being rejected by people, you can try to create a situation where they feel in danger of being rejected by you, and, as a result, they come to believe that they like and admire you. Your comment on his 'huuuuge ego' fits in with this profile nicely.

Whether this is true of him or not, he's let his friendship with you fall into an unimaginative rut. We've all fallen into bad ruts with friends before, right? Maybe every time you get together with someone in particular you tend to gossip, or eat too much, or get drunk and yell things, or have long and deliciously affected discussions on politics or sex, or, hey, insult each other. Kind of bad things, but nice things to be able to indulge in with someone you like and respect every now and then, right? Sooner or later, though, maybe it just feels like what you do with that person, and maybe you don't really know how to feel comfortable enough to start doing anything else with them, especially if you didn't know each other all that well before you got into your routine, and you just keep following the formula you believe your friendship runs on.

Or maybe you're O.K. with changing things up in the friendship, and it's the other party who doesn't really know what to do, and maybe you end up feeling gross after a glut of the same old indulgent behaviour, and you come to associate the feeling with the other person, and you begin to think: 'this person is a problem in my life.'

Anyway, that would explain why it doesn't bother him when you come back at him with another insult -- it could be just what he expects, and even wants?

What do you do? This may sound a little parent-child, but show him the right way to act. Compliment him? Do nice things for him for no reason, if you don't already? And, don't be afraid to get visibly annoyed with him when he's being... visibly annoying. How do you, personally, act when somebody has just embarrassed themselves and doesn't yet realize it, and you are torn between wanting to smack them, and wanting to throw a blanket around them and protect them from humiliation? Act that way. Break the pattern, and show him that your friendship is not a one-trick pony; a sarcastic, dead-pan, potentially self-loathing, one-trick pony.

Anyone else? Thoughts? Comments? I'm wide open.

Biting the hand that feeds your boyfriend

2009-06-03T13:28:00.003-04:00

The letter about the mother-in-law got me thinking about my own boyfriends' mom. He's kind of had some false-starts, professionally and financially-speaking, and so he's in some debt in his early 20s. His parents are well-off financially, and his Mom sees nothing wrong with handing him a few hundred every couple of months. She even took it upon herself to order us some furniture (we live together, but we're nowhere near being engaged it's really more for convenience and money-saving), without really asking what we would like, and is always buying him plane tickets for him to go see them in the States. I think her hearts is in the right place, but I kind of resent the meddling in our lives, and I don't like the way it looks when his mother is giving him money... it's hard for me to respect him, and I feel like it's not going to help him get out of debt to have somebody there to just catch him when he falls. What can I do about this?

The idea that it's wrong to let your parents do things for you comes from an immature understanding of what maturity is. Yeah, adults take care of themselves, but they also possess a good degree of sensitivity and tend to understand their adult relationships with their parents and how they change and the rate at which they should change. If you respond to a few bucks for groceries from your little Mommy, when you actually need it, with something like, “Thanks but no thanks,” you're actually depriving your mother who worries about you the good feeling she gets from knowing you're a little better taken care of for the time being, and for what? The sake of feeling a little better about yourself? Actual grown-ups don't have to put on airs about being grown-ups.

It is a little unsexy to see somebody sponging off of his or her parents into adulthood, but that is not what you've said is going on here. You said he's had a few false-starts. You've said it's a couple hundred, and I know personally that a few hundred in today's economy is just a drop in the bucket. You make it sound like he's trying, and I think, personally, that suffering is a little overrated -- see the above paragraph on immature ideas about maturity; it's a little silly of you to require this guy to struggle for your respect. And the plane tickets? Life is too short to not be with your family as much as you can, if you're lucky enough to have a family you want to be near.

You're making a mistake by believing that what this man's mother does for him should have anything to do with you at this stage, let alone by being personally offended by the whole thing. Is it that you think she's rubbing it in your face that you are not in a position to give him the things that she can? Are you feeling a little insecure because your parents don't do the same for you?

Either way, I think you're being too judgmental. This is one of those subjective things -- if you're not comfortable with that, if it's not the way you want to live your life, that's alright, but you really can't expect everyone else to live by the same rules. Think about it, and if it really has to be a problem for you, move along.

Next week: Somebody is at a loss as to how to handle a friend who doesn't know how to do anything but criticize.

Happy (late) Mother's Day.

2009-05-26T23:54:00.003-04:00

So, my friend K chimed in on last week's letter, from the "crippled, female undertaker":

When my work was dicking me around I finally made a threat about checking what the labor board thought about the way they were treating me. They suddenly were more then happy to accomodate.
Might be worth a shot.

Good on you, K! You are to be commended, and I completely forgot about the labour board. I'm not sure what province the undertaker is dealing with, but seriously just google "labour board" and you'll find lots of useful information.

And now, on to this week's letter:

i'm engaged, and i hate the way my future mother in law acts towards me. she's newly divorced and seems to think that if her marriage failed, ours will too. i really think she thinks it's ridiculous that her son would want to be with me when her husband didn't want to be with her, and that she equates me with the woman her husband left her for. she acts like a spoiled child whenever discussion turns to our wedding and our plans for him to move out of her house and into my house (which is happening in the next few months). if we go on a walk somewhere, she ditches us and we find her weeping softly to herself later, miserable that *we* walked off and "forgot about her." she gives me backhanded compliments and passive-aggressively criticizes everything i do, especially for him. my fiance and i have not even talked about this because i am completely at a loss for words as how to explain my feelings to a person who is there and should already be noticing. her behaviour is actually shocking to me and the whole situation seems so obvious it actually kind of hurts me that he hasn't already done something to smooth things over. where do i go from here?

In marrying or just choosing a woman to be with in the long term, a man is on some level choosing her over his mother. Sorry, Mom. That is natural and appropriate, because your spouse is supposed to be your number one.

Of course, you don't ignore your children or allow them to otherwise suffer in favour of pleasing a mate -- which is why you leave a husband or wife who is abusing your children -- but you are not to place your children above your spouse because they are not supposed to stick with you for life.

For similar reasons, children cannot and should not be expected to side with a parent over a partner. It sucks that her life has played out the way it has (and hey, maybe he left her because he was tired of playing second-fiddle to his kids and feeling like a big piece of shit for being rightfully discontent with that) but it's not up to her son to fill the void a partner is supposed to, especially not now that he's got you.

You couldn't blame the woman for speaking up if she believed you were actually mistreating her son, or depriving her of a relationship with him (more on that later) but if your mother-in-law had any sense of the appropriate, she would not be making such a damn nuisance of herself by effectively demanding that he choose her over you.

Above and beyond that, I guess it *would* be really dumb to let an important relationship die just because of some dumb bitch.

But, two things.

1) You have to remember that this actually isn't just any dumb bitch. I've said it before, but, you know, if I could only give one piece of relationship advice to straight women for the rest of my life, it would be: Don't ever underestimate the role of Mom.

She is actually always important. Obvious: If a guy loves his Mom, like he should, it would be in your best interest for her to be able to stand you because he's going to want to leave some room in his life for her, and you don't want any unnecessary unpleasantness for him or for you or anybody. However, if a man is in any way disrespectful towards his mother -- and that can be as low-key as secretly thinking she's an idiot or just ignoring her -- it is in fact an indication of the way he will treat or regard you.

So, you definitely want to talk about this to him, but you want to be very careful of what you say, and that you don't ask for things he's incapable of granting, and that you don't ask for things that only sound like you would want them, like for her to be unimportant to him.

He can't choose his mother over his fiance. He shouldn't be made to choose his fiance over his mother. He should be able to choose both.

Therefore, above and beyond any results that come of this talking business, consider this: for the sake of your relationship, can you not hate her, tolerate her, refrain from injuring her, despite her faults and apparent dislike for you, for having carried him, given birth to him, and helping to shape him into the person that you fell in love with? Can you just swallow your pride and ignore her? A good first start would be to ease up on analyzing her too much. Sometimes it's disrespectful to walk around feeling like you have a person pegged. It's apparent you feel somewhat superior to her. And, the fact that the situation and its ins and outs and causes and effects seem so obvious to you is likely testimony to how much you dwell on this. You'll make yourself (and likely people around you) nuts if you go too far, and a key to not being so bothered is... not bothering, if that makes sense.

If not... if you really can't...

2) ... If his mom really is a dumb bitch, and he doesn't handle it well and is not prepared to try to handle it well -- he's blind to her craziness and/or he's not willing to make her understand that she has got to show you some respect -- and this is insurmountable for you (it would be for most, I think), then that leaves the question of whether your relationship is actually that important to you, and there is no shame in thinking critically about this.

Even though you're already engaged and if the wedding doesn't happen people will be disappointed and blah blah blah. If the thought of being with him forever isn't enough to make you not want to barf at the prospect of a lifetime of forced politeness in the face of backhanded compliments, that is actually ok. It just means you shouldn't marry him. You can't be faulted for dumping a guy because of the way his Mom treats you, because if you can deprive yourself of him for this reason, you simply don't love him (enough?), and that is not your fault.

Female frustration at the funeral home.

2009-05-20T00:01:00.003-04:00

The woes of a crippled, female undertaker:

For the past 3 years, I've dedicated my life to a career that has yet to accept women, and persons with disabilities on a grand scale. That is not to say that ladies and the disabled can never find work in this field, but it's certainly more difficult, due to the nature and expectations of the job, and the fact that most businesses are small and family owned. Personally, I like to blame it on the old man dinosaurs that dominate the industry.

The first job I had in this field was at a small, family owned business. Looking back, remembering the eyes of doubt when I walked into the interview, I'm sure I was hired on a combination of desperation for help, and pity. I was even told that no matter where I went afterwards I would have to work very hard to prove myself, as most businesses of this nature don't exactly love to hire skinny women. While I appreciated the honesty, It's really left a cloud of inadequacy looming over my head ever since. I put my whole self into it, and proved that I am not only an excellent worker, but I'm very good at what I do. I also became good friends with my boss, which eventually got me my second job...

My second job was at a large, busy, corporately owned funeral home. I was practically handed the job, but when they found out I had a permanent physical disability they tried to let me go before I even started. I fought my way in, and turned out to be one of the best workers there, in spite of having a vagina, being thin, and having metal rods in my back. I also surprised myself and others in the amount of weight I could move around for my size. I've received countless compliments on my work by both coworkers and the families we serve. Despite this, I also still receive lots of criticism for not being able to lift as much as the men, and am subject to snide remarks and the evil eye if I'm having a bad day and am just unable to lift anything due to back pain (which happens surprisingly infrequently, say, 2 days a month).

Here's my dilemma. In 3 months, I am eligible to take my exam for both my funeral director and embalming licenses. At that point, my contract at my current job ends. I am being encouraged by management to find another job, saying there are no positions available for me after my contract is up. However, it's obvious to me, and my coworkers that there will be at least 2 positions available when my contract is finished.

The lower half of the management knows that I am one of the best workers they have, but the upper half, who obviously call the shots, are less willing to budge. That being said, I do plan on talking with the owner, and reapplying, because they know as well as i do that finding good employees in this industry is impossible at best. They keep trying to hire young men, which for the most part disappoint them due to poor work ethic, entitlement issues and overall laziness. But it doesn't seem to change the fact that they seem like they would rather replace me with a succession of about a dozen tough looking lazy 20-something year old dudes who have no interest or dedication to the work we do. They've even gone as far as approaching random guys in various customer service roles, offering them a salary, and offering to pay for them to go to school so they could have them to work with. It's flopped every time.

I'm starting to become disillusioned. If the company I work for knows how great I am at my job and won't renew my contract, how will I ever convince anyone else that I'm worthy of a job despite my obvious setbacks? There's also the problem that NOWHERE in Canada is hiring. A couple places in Toronto are hiring, but alas, my license is not transferable to Ontario. I was already rejected by a place in Calgary because my experience was one year short of what they wanted. Things may open up in the next couple months, but so far the job possibilities are an absolute zero. It's a difficult industry to get back into if you leave, so I don't really want to do something else for a couple years while I wait for a new job to open up, but I'm really not horny over relocating to the other side of the country either. I really need some advice!

Maybe it's only logical to accept what we can easily see -- in this case, that you're a frail-looking, disabled woman -- but it seems silly that we'll let what we can see speak to us so loudly regardless of what we can know -- in this case, that you're a dedicated, hard-working and competent employee. Here's something that fills me with rage: why is it that the people who know better are often not wont to speak up when something not fair is going on? Your lower-level managers can vouch for you, so why the Hell don't they? This isn't the damn industrial revolution. Nobody's going to get a belt lash.

Anyway, forgive a cliche, but while you can't judge a book by its cover, it doesn't change the fact that few people have time to sit down and read. While we all can agree (maybe for appearance's sake) that appearances can be deceiving, it's an unspoken fact that appearances are important, and especially at work. Dress... hair-colour... last I checked you actually can't even work at Starbucks if you've got a certain amount of metal in your face. We can say it's not fair on some level, but what are many of us going to do about it, if employers are private businesses and criteria for employment is ultimately -- and at times arbitrarily -- determined by them?

In your case, it depends on what you can do with this phrase, courtesy of the Canadian Human Rights Commission: “Duty to Accommodate.” I'm not a lawyer or even all that knowledgeable in the field of human rights -- my sense of right and wrong is mostly intuitive -- so my understanding of the term is only so complete.

But, if you were hired by a company, and they knowingly entertained your employment while you had a pre-existing condition, and they can demonstrate no proof that it made you particularly bad at your job, there is a good chance said company cannot let your disability be a factor in whether your contract is renewed, or whether you should be considered for another, future position with them.

Maybe your employer is aware of this, and maybe that's why they're telling you there will just be no work, but if it turns out there actually will be work, well, geez. They probably kind of have to prove any reasons they'd have for not keeping you around, even if your contract is up.

That is, if you took action. Maybe it would be as simple as pointing it out to them that you know this stuff, in the event you re-applied and they did something as stupid as hire somebody else for a job you could perform. But just in case they're not eager to be decent human damn beings... because I suspect you do not belong to a union, and because it sounds like you work for a bigger chain and those tend to have pretty good lawyers, the previously mentioned Canadian Human Rights Commission would be your best bet for help. And even if you don't choose to make a big deal over your current situation (which I would understand, though the idealist in me hopes you would try what you could), or if the whole thing unfolds in a way that makes it impossible or unnecessary to act, it sounds like it would be a good idea for someone in your position to become familiar with your rights and your options in the likely event that you experience future discrimination in your field. So hit the CHRC up, starting with their overview on Duty to Accommodate.

Aside from that, and back to the often insurmountable issue of appearances, do you see a physical therapist? A personal trainer? How about a nutritionist? I understand that your condition would effect your ability to pump iron, and I don't doubt that you are more than cognizant of any limitations your back rods place on your body, and maybe I have way too much faith in treadmills, but I wonder what could be done (safely!) to make you appear more sturdy, at the very least? And, maybe even low-impact arm-beef-producing activity like yoga would have a nice side-effect of actually making you a little stronger and improving handy things like core balance (which reduces everybody's chances of shattering hips and tearing tendons and straining joints). It could even give you something to say to make you more attractive to prospective employers who would take issue with your disability, and you could back it up with the strides you've made so far in your career. “I'm in training, shithawks! Not only have I already exceeded everyone's expectations, my condition could improve! I'm trying to do something about my situation! That's dedication and being proactive, bitches! Suck it! YOUHAVE2HIREME.” Or perhaps something more diplomatic.

But enough about me, let's talk about you

2009-05-13T00:01:00.002-04:00

After a hell of a damn April, full of papers and exams and stressing about money and new apartments, I'm beginning to settle into a nice, dumb summer routine, and it's occurring to me that I should maybe start replying to these letters again before they stop getting sent to me.

Here's a lightning round of the short and sweet ones to plunge me back into the swing of things. Bear in mind: I'm doing the best I can with the little given to me in these letters:

i'm got too friggin fat over the winter. how do i lose weight fast?

I don't know about fast, but here are some kind of easy things to try:

1) Eat at the correct times. Most importantly, eat BREAKFAST so you burn off calories as you go about your day and so you don't crave calories at times when they can't help your body (i.e. when you don't have a lot going on). NEVER eat a bunch and then go to bed, unless you're really drunk or something and you absolutely need it, because your metabolism slows way down while you sleep and all the food will just get converted into fat.

2) Don't consume too much caffeine. The following is a layman's explanation: it stresses your body out and makes it believe that this is the Stone Age and there's a famine coming so it starts turning most of the stuff you eat into cellulite.

3) Simple walking and climbing stairs will do more for you than you realize. Shun elevators and escalators and cabs and buses now that the weather is getting nice.

That should put a dent in your average lazy winter... softness.

I cheated on my girlfriend a long time ago. I told my mother one time when it was really bothering me. She's threatening to tell her herself if I don't. What do I do?

Ugh, morality rhetoric. Your Mom is threatening to do what sounds like it's the right thing, but she's probably out of line.

It would be different if it was still continuing and you had no intention of stopping, because somebody has got to look out for the unwitting party's best interest when the unconcerned party won't. I gather from your wording that you have hurt your clueless girlfriend, not that you are continuing to hurt her. If that is indeed the case, and the situation is as simple as you've presented it, it is not up to your Mom or anybody else to go over your heads and pull the strings on the puppet that is your relationship. It's completely on you whether you tell your girlfriend about what happened, and you tell Mom that.

You're in a better position to be a judge of whether you should tell her than I am, because I don't know that much about your particular situation. If guilt will consume you and ultimately sabotage your valuable relationship (I mean, you did break down and tell your Mom because the guilt got to be too much to handle): tell her. If you feel the fling really was inconsequential and the information will only harm a relationship that is otherwise in good shape: don't tell her. If there's a chance you gave her an STD: get tested and tell her. And so on!

Where are the men?

Not where you've been going, apparently. Spring is here, though! Try the park? Bar patios? Libraries, now that school is out? Har.

I'm a straight girl. I met a cool girl a few months ago, and sooner or later it came out she's a lesbian. That doesn't bother me, The thing is when we get drunk and party she is all over me. now it's starting to gross me out and I'm starting to avoid her. I don't want to tell any of our friends because I think they'll call me a homophobe. What can I do about this?

Sexual harassment is sexual harassment, little buddy. If you wouldn't take it off a straight guy, you should not take it off a gay girl (or whatever she identifies as). My views on this are more complicated than that, but maybe put it to her that way ('I like you Betsy, but not that way, and I actually don't like anybody groping me without my permission, thanks, so nothing personal'). If she pulls something like, 'if this makes you feel so uncomfortable maybe it's because you're not as straight as you think,' dropkick her out of your life because she's a goddamn sexual predator.

O.K.! Keep them coming, and don't be afraid to be long-winded.

Flowers! Candy! Responsibilities!

2009-04-17T07:41:00.003-04:00

In the last year or so, my wife has become very uninterested in sex. In the last six months we have had intercourse once and no additional play at all. I have tried both initiating and not initiating for a while and seeing if she would. I have been romantic, brought her flowers, made her dinner, bought great wine on valentines day and still nothing. When I try to initiate she either brushes it off as her being tired or "stop being silly, we have stuff to do". I am confident she loves me and is not being unfaithful, she is loving and attentive in every other aspect of our relationship.
I love her and I would never leave or be unfaithful but I am getting to the point where I almost want to stop trying to be sexual.
Thanks in advance.

No fair. Sorry to be unromantic, but: when you married this woman, I think she agreed to have regular sex with you for the rest of her natural life. Marriage is serious business and one thing we can lose sight of is the fact that she kind of owes you.

It's a little more complicated than that, of course. "No fair" will not change the fact that she doesn't seem to want to. Sex out of obligation is only attractive to a percentage of men and women. So:

Of the 142 words you've written here, “We have stuff to do,” speaks the most to me. At the risk of sounding like less the femme fatale you should all be assuming that I am: I have been where your wife now stands. And, at the risk of sounding like a generalization-making, self-loathing woman: a lot of us can't do sex when we feel like the rest of our world is in shambles. Does your wife have a stressful job? Is she fighting with family members? Do you have kids who wet the bed? Is the house a pig sty? Are you having money troubles? I'm pretty sure the recession is killing hornies all over the world right now, for example. If you can't identify any problems like these, maybe there's something on her mind that she's not telling you. Take stress and add secrets and you've got the perfect conditions for a nasty case of the frigidity.

I don't mean for you to become suspicious of her. A secret doesn't have to be sinister or sordid -- it could just be something embarrassing that has very little to do with you, for example.

What I do mean is for you to pay attention for the next little while to anything that could be getting her panties in a twist, in the bad way. Though it may sound somewhat unsexy, maybe instead of buying flowers and making dinner, you need to do the laundry or wash the dishes or do your taxes. Supplement any increased domestic-flavoured sensitivity with plenty of non-sexual affection, just so she understands that you're not putting pressure on her. Sometimes women remember how great sex is when it happens 'by mistake,' i.e., when they find themselves surprised to be wanting it.

If no room for improvement becomes apparent to you, strike up a conversation. Not, “why don't we have sex anymore?” Something more like, “is everything O.K., my sweet? Anything stressing you out?”

One of the few good habits I have is asking my loved ones every now and then, “so what's on your mind lately?” I do it regardless of whether I notice anything different about their mood or behaviour, because I'm really curious and I really enjoy talking and I'm especially curious about the fantastic people I've managed to surround myself with. I also know what can go on beyond the surface without anybody knowing. If you're married to this woman, you probably find her fascinating! Why not ask to hear all the weird things in her brain, whenever you want to, just because you can?

No April foolin' ... here's a letter.

2009-04-01T00:01:00.001-04:00

my boyfriend, who is an american living in canada for school, is leaving at the end of this year after he graduates. We've been together about 6 months now and for the first time i can actually say that i am in love. the unfortunate nature of the matter however is that there are no ifs ands of buts about his decision to leave.

every time i bring up his "moving home" he gets irritated and doesn't really want to talk about it. he is leaving, that's it. when i try to express my apprehension about our future he listens and then gives me the silent treatment.

the most irritating part of this problem is that i have no idea whether i make any difference in his decision. of course i don't want to hold him back from anything (he genuinely hates the city we are living in despite having numerous friends ) but i can't help but worry that i am investing too much of myself in a relationship that could potentially devastate me. i suppose that's the danger of being in a relationship.
what would you do?
ps: he has asked me to move in with him in september despite the fact that he will be leaving in december.

Great and good that you don't want to hold him back. Too often people throw away great futures on obligations that feel important when they're young, and chances are if you applied pressure and he knuckled down and you guys ended up not being it for each other, you'd end up hating each other AND not living the best lives for yourselves.

But this doesn't mean that he doesn't owe you anything. He's being extremely inconsiderate by ignoring your pleas for discussion on the topic. And he's inviting you to move in, without addressing the overhanging expiration date that his trip home insinuates regarding your relationship? Where is his head at? Why does he think he can put you through this emotional roller-coaster without any kind of stated future commitment, when you've made it clear that you need to understand things a little better?

The good news is that it looks like you probably do matter when it comes to this decision, because talk about this is so obviously a hard thing for him, and likely because he feels strongly about you. It actually sounds a lot like he may not know what to say because he is still making up his mind. I bet that's what the whole moving in thing is all about: maybe he wants to try you out as a housemate for a few months and then see how he feels.

All of this is understandable, but it doesn't change the fact that he is actually inflicting cruelty on you by holding his cards to his chest. He may be giving himself lots of time and space to really consider what's going on between you with the benefit of your occasional one-sided input, but what are you supposed to do?

And so the impulse is there for you to withdraw, a la “If he won't look after my interests, I'll make my exit and look after my own.” I don't get that this is where you really are, though.

This philosophy has allowed me to be hurt in the past, but I will stick by it: don't always act in a relationship with the sole purpose of protecting yourself. This does not apply if the other person is beating you or stealing from you... you need to protect your body and your credit rating. But, don't break up with a person, say, just because you're afraid he's going to break up with you, not if you still want to be with him, because trying to predict (and shield yourself against) the potential hurtful actions of others is no way to live, and it's no way to love either. It isn't really loving at all. Maybe, if you want to be with him in this moment, you should just be with him as long as you can. Or as long as you can stand it.

In other words, if you're not content to just ride it out and see what happens, I say keep trying until you're certain that it's really no use, or until he does give you an answer. You don't want to wonder if you did the right thing by just letting him go, and you don't want to live life at an arm's length either. I've been hurt before, but you can be damn sure I don't wonder too much about the past.

He needs to understand that it is selfish and cowardly to not confront these issues for his sake as well as yours. I'm not saying you should demand a commitment, because that's not going to help anybody, but I am saying you should demand some respect as a human being all your own who is effected by his decisions. Maybe make some suggestions, not in anger but in earnest, if you're comfortable making them. “Do you want to continue a long-distance relationship?” and “Do you want things with me to go on as long as they can without the promise of anything else?” are the two best options I can think of. Or, to be nice and succinct: “What do you want, man?”

Lies, lies, lies ye-ah.

2009-03-30T00:36:00.003-04:00

hi

this is a little unorthodox but I could use your advice. it's difficult to explain this but I've had this close friend for a few years and found out a few months back, through a few unlikely conversations and events, that he would fabricate stories about his love life. and not just stories, but full blown lies, all of them about sex that never happened.
I did eventually bring this up, but he kind of failed to explain why it was necessary to lie to me, because I don't care. also, my friend also rushes to me with any romantic developments in his love life, and naturally I always role my eyes a bit.
I'm not at all sure what to do or say, or even what my own feelings are, exactly.

Sometimes we rationalize the dickly things we do and say with rules we make up for use in the confines of our own brain. Liars (and many gossips) can use this one: “If it is something that is possible or believable, I can say it.” And, if such a lie has the potential to be very successful, because the liar comes to feel more and more that the lie will never be found out, it becomes a part of the reality the liar tends construct for himself or herself.

This is why at least some liars lie: they have misunderstood the concept of reality (think... the whole Law of Attraction thing, then get it hooked on heroin). They come to place a lot of importance on what is believed by others, as opposed to what is actually true. They may not feel attractive unless someone is telling them they look OK. They might not feel like they're having fun until somebody tells them they look like they're having fun. Perception becomes an interesting idea to them, and then they come to be able to feel like they are rich, for example, even though they're poor, if they can feel like they're convincing someone else that they are rich.

You say you don't see why it was necessary for him to lie to you, and that you don't care. The thing is, his lies were likely most for his benefit. If you could believe them, then he could believe them too.

So, your friend is a liar, and that must make it hard for you to respect or trust him. But consider this:

Just because he lies about a certain area of his life doesn't mean he lies about everything. It doesn't sound like he's selling you up the river or ripping you off or anything. It's not OK to lie, but you're likely not in any danger of suffering for your friendship with this person.

As it turns out, there are few people on earth that can shoulder the burden of being perfect for others. Our Dads cease looking superhuman to us sooner or later. All girlfriends have the potential turn into wives or live-in partners who wipe their makeup off and fart and eat all the cereal in one day, and/or mothers who destroy their breasts feeding children and let anger and annoyance mark their faces as the years go on. Just because you've caught your friend looking weird and pathetic is no reason to jettison him from your life, simply because most people will disappoint you.

I am not telling you to disregard this, or that you're a bad friend if you don't want to tolerate this sort of thing. While it's true that most people will disappoint you, it's also true that we're just not meant to be madly in love some people. While I'm reluctant to paint your friend as a dangerous sociopath, the impulse to 'role' your eyes is bang on. And hey, maybe he needs somebody to roll their eyes at him.

And so I say, return any bullshit you feel you're getting from him with honesty. If he gets mad and alienated, just think that you've done him a huge favour by not indulging him, and that you probably won't have to listen to his lying ass as often anymore.

And now this song is in my head.

Queen of Pain

2009-03-16T12:49:00.007-04:00

Dear M

My boyfriend is really confusing me! We started out as a secret casual sex thing, He d idn't want people to find out, so i wouldnt show him any special treatment when we met up in public, but he'd get mad at me when we saw each other alone later and acuse me of being mean to him and flirting with other guys. BEing scret wasn't workingm so i asked if we could have a normal boyfriend-girlfriend realtionship. that worked ok for about a month, then he semeed to loose interest, never calling me and not seeming like he wanted to have sex with me. Then he sugested we see each other, but see other people at the same time. So I did that and hooked up with some guys. That REALLY pissed him of. HE got supper jealous. I have been really attentive lately, and he seems to be ignoring me again. Either he's mad and jealous but paying attention to me, or bored and not paying attention to me.. What's going on??

I think you're pretty capable of knowing what's going on here, and what you should do: He can't be pleased, and you should dump him.

But I haven't written a column in several days, AND this one is late, so I'd better lay it all out here to the best of my ability, and colourfully:

When some people think of the words ‘sadist’ or ‘masochist,’ they think of whips and chains and hot wax, when that stuff can just as easily be associated with the words ‘fun,’ and, believe it or not, ‘healthy’; A lot of people with pain and/or humiliation kinks treat it like what it is, and they let their mates in on their fantasies, and it stays in the bedroom, or wherever they keep the cuffs – in other words, in their sexual lives. It’s a game, so they play it. No harm done.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is a sado-masochist in a less sexual sense of the word, living the shit 24/7 like a psycho, and likely loving every minute of it no matter what he would have you believe or even what he would acknowledge to himself.

Relevant?: my father once told me that you can tell a lot about a man (like, what he may be like as a mate) by the way he treats his mother, and this observation of his is scarily bang-on. Somewhat in the same vein, you would be surprised at the degree to which some men want to create with their partners something reminiscent of what they had with their Moms, regardless of whether they have good feelings about them or good relationships with them. Either they attempt a recreation of a good mother-son experience, or a correction of a bad mother-son experience. I hate pop psychology just as much as the next hipster, but it’s seriously uncanny, you guys.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy had a serious hate-boner for his mother. Maybe Mom abandoned him in some way. Maybe she left, maybe she cheated on Dad – kids can take it very personally and feel very betrayed when their parents leave or cheat. But, few sons can manage to hate their mothers completely, and the shadows of some very deep feelings manifest themselves in very strange romantic relationship behaviour. Maybe when he’s being cold and bitchy to you, he’s in fact reaming Mom for whatever she did to him. Regardless, somewhere along the line, this guy came to be turned off by things like security and fidelity and affection, and turned on by stuff like paranoia and jealousy and cruelty. Puke!

Regardless, I think he does want you to go out and make him jealous. People who are capable of being honest with themselves about having a similar type of desire identify as cuckhold fetishists. They get off on the idea of their mates getting off with others.

I’m not the most jealous gal, and I have to admit that my eye wanders – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu – but cuckholding is definitely not my thing, and I think it’s a rare couple who isn’t just doing it to look unconditionally cool and can really work this arrangement without destroying each other most unsexily. However, as long as there are people out there who really like this, and manage to lead happy lives while putting it into practice, and can find other people who want to sleep around on them and don’t want to otherwise hurt or take advantage of them, and everybody takes measures to be safe, it’s fine with me.

This guy? Only feels alive when something sketchy and skanky is going on in his life, to make him jealous and to give him something to yell about to you, a.k.a. “New Mom” – all of this is why he looks disinterested now that you’re being good to him.

Here’s another twist: he would rather we all not acknowledge this. He doesn’t want the boom mic or the camera cables slipping into frame, he doesn’t want anybody to see the strings on the puppet, especially you, but mostly him. He likes that he can feel turned on by his jealousy and also feel justified in punishing you, which also turns him on. Your performance is way better for him if you don’t realize it’s all a game and you feel your hurt and confusion genuinely, because it can help him to forget that it’s all a game. It’s all a game that he is selfishly refusing to let you in on.

Either he has a hate-boner for his mother, or he’s watched and/or read more drama than he’s actually managed to live yet. Is he an artist?

In trying to apply this idiotic formula to his life, he is forcing it on your life. It’s a pretty weak formula, it works for him because he’s a pretty weak person, and you should dump him! Wheeee.

Actually

2009-03-09T01:46:00.002-04:00

I'm taking this week off! Crunch time and all. I'll be back Monday.

More sucker punches than butterfly kisses

2009-03-06T00:01:00.001-05:00

I’m a 30-year-old woman with a good job and a fiancé. I haven’t lived with my parents since I was 19 years old, and for good reason, because they drove me crazy, especially my father.

My father seemed to lose interest in me when I was around 12. He did not make any effort to spend time with me. He would not come to any of my sports games. My grandmother had to drag him to my high school graduation. At the time I got the impression that he was afraid that I would embarrass him, so you can imagine how I came to feel about myself.

If I ever tried to talk to him about something that interested me, it would turn into an argument for some reason. He couldn’t just talk to me, he had to treat every exchange between us as a time to show me how dumb I was. He is so arrogant and so sure of himself, and this is not a teenage brat talking: he is so ignorant about some things that it makes my head spin.

He has always found my boyfriends more interesting than me. He is friendlier, warmer and more affectionate with me now that I am about to be married. It’s as if I was not worth anything to him until another man endorsed me.

I never see my Dad, and I don’t think we’ll have another unpleasant interaction as long as it stays this way, but 20 years since the last time he said an unkind thing to me, I will still cry myself to sleep at night sometimes. The sheer anger I feel towards my father is overwhelming. I don’t know how to attack the situation after so many years. How do I bring this up to him?

Talking is important. I am all about talking, and a lot of what can be elements of a good talk: Dissecting, analyzing, explaining, listening, learning, excited nodding, high-fives. It’s probably my favourite thing of all time… when it goes well.

I bet (because this platform affords me the luxury of a good crapshoot every now and then) you wish you could just let loose on your Dad and release those two decades of hurt and anger and have him feel good and sorry and for everything to be fine for you after that.

Unfortunately, you may not get very far. He could just walk away from you or refuse to listen. He could say that you’re wrong and honestly believe it himself – you’d be surprised at how good some people are at that sort of thing, especially the ones we tend to call ‘arrogant’.

And then there’s the potential fallout: your Dad failing understand how much he’s hurt you in your life after you’ve made such an effort to express it can make your hurt that much burn-y. Also, twenty years is a long time to think and believe and feel a certain way about a situation. The anger would likely not go away overnight, and you telling your father where to get off would likely not be the end of it, even if you did manage to get through to him. You do not make yourself feel better just by making somebody else feel bad.

(And, as far as getting very emotional, because talks of this nature tend to go that route: Yelling or even just taking an excessively angry tone with anybody is pretty immature, but it looks especially bad and is even more ineffective when exacted on a parent, because it places you in roles that you don’t belong in anymore.)

When dealing with family and friends-like-family, being happy is more important than being ‘right,’ – in this case, insisting on bearing grudges and holding onto hurts. Also in this case, part of being happy can be finding it in yourself to be good to your loved ones over sore spots and points of contention and give them the benefit of the doubt: to believe that at least their intentions, where you were concerned, were good.

When you’re dealing with someone you love – because I am going there, yes, I am assuming that you love your Dad, because if you didn’t love him, you would not hurt so much – and you want to come to an actual solution, sometimes you have to be open to the possibility that the other person is innocent to some degree, because that is part of respecting and thinking highly of them.

I don’t know your situation completely. I’m not prepared to tell you that your father has a point because I don’t know what his would be, and I actually can’t imagine what it could be, because you do a pretty good job of painting him as a big fat jerk. But from what you’ve written here I can tell you are definitely not in a position to be open-minded about this. You can’t make people come around to your way of thinking and believing and feeling in every situation, and in this situation, where you are so very embittered, chances are slim of things going well.

He was a bad father and he should probably be called on it. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong to believe that, because from here that looks to be about right. Maybe that’s a reason for you to be miserable, but it’s not an excuse. The actions of others can make us feel sad, but we make ourselves unhappy. I think before you even think of trying to bring this to your Dad, you need to turn your sights inwards and determine how much of your misery is created and maintained by you. For the sake of your future relationship and for your own good, wait until you can speak to him with some humility about it. Congratulations on your engagement! Sort this out before you have kids.

Time for reflection

2009-03-05T00:01:00.003-05:00

I'm really happy with how the blog has been going the last little while, but due to some recent (good) life developments, I'm going to have to tone it down a bit. I'm taking today off to do some housekeeping (quite literally! My place is crazy silly messy and I'm having guests this weekend). I'll be back tomorrow and Friday, but starting next week I'll only be updating Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

This Friday: a girl wrestles with some mixed feelings she has about her Dad. I'll look into the father-daughter dynamic and ponder the question: do you always need to hash everything out?

In the meantime, here is some timeless advice from Otis Redding.

Not pukin', part two

2009-03-04T00:01:00.004-05:00

The first response to Tuesday's letter (from the guy finding himself in his first long-distance relationship and unsure of whether to visit his girlfriend when he's not feeling the strongest about her) came from my buddy Richard McRichardson, because I thought it would be good to get a man's point of view, just to see if it would be all that different from mine. I said I'd come up with my reply today, and here it is:

At different times in my life, I’ve looked around at the situations of others for some clue as to how to proceed with my own, because I hadn’t found myself in them before. Sometimes you fear you don’t know enough to be dissatisfied, and that’s actually legitimate. A few times I’ve stayed in dumb relationships because I was too young to realize I had a right to expect more, or I didn’t realize the treatment I was getting wasn't fair, for example, with only a faint idea that things weren’t going right.

That said, I suspect that much of the fear people feel that they’re settling for something that is just pleasant, and the suspicion that passion equals desperation and if you’re not sighing your face off or puking your guts out or shitting your pants you’re missing out on something way better with someone else, is in big part rhetoric that people internalize through shit like television and movies. Love definitely doesn’t always happen overnight, sometimes it’s the result of really getting to know a person over a period of time. This is why longtime friends end up together, and this is why people date casually… trial basis and whatnot. So yeah, you’re right, it’s possible to be just fine with the no butterflies because they might be along.

BUT. While it’s fine when you’re not super lovesick over a girl you’ve only been with for what’s basically been a few weeks, it’s a little surprising, to me, that you embarked on possibly THE HARDEST dating circumstance, the long-distance relationship, with someone you don’t seem to have felt all that strongly about in the first place. While dramatics aren’t essential to the start of an important relationship, you need ways in which to see if strong feelings will develop, and without a super strong initial attraction, you don’t have the greatest foundation for a situation in which you’ll only get a full experience of a person kind of gradually (over e-mail and Skype, on brief visits).

If you’re not seeing your girlfriend all that often, your relationship risks becoming stagnant. It takes you a lot longer to figure out how you feel about someone you never see. When you think about it, long-distance is probably remarkably easier to put up with when you’re not super invested in the person. But when you’re not super invested… what’s the point, you know? You might as well go with someone local.

Though I am apparently not a fan of the long-distance model, it’s actually not my policy to encourage people to dissolve relationships already in progress just because they’re long-distance, and Monday, you seem only to be apprehensive about yours on principle. So, that’s why I hope you went on your March break trip with her; see her as much as you can.in order to get to know her better. I think you need to put some effort into learning more about her and getting a better idea of whether you want to be with her.

So I pretty much agree with what Rich said on Monday. Except, I want to comment on one thing.

On his suggestion about changing your behaviour and hoping that your feelings will follow: meh, I guess so. It makes sense, and acting a certain way is one way towards feeling and believing a certain way, but is it necessary to really connect with this person, to the extent that you’re playing mind tricks on yourself to achieve that? Try it, by all means, if you really want to give this relationship a chance, but if it feels stupid, you’ll know why: you’re not into this girl enough.

If I really like her, how come I don't want to puke?

2009-03-03T00:01:00.003-05:00

i started dating someone over the christmas break, but she is a grad student in a different city from where i live. before she went back to school we decided to try to have a long-distance relationship. so far i think it has gone quite well, i guess. i am really not sure because i have no other long-distance relationship to compare it too, but it feels like it is going well.

i think we could potentially have a good relationship; we get along well and have a lot of fun together. i think i could love her and probably even fall in love with her, and we would probably have a meaningful relationship. but i have been having some doubts lately. i don't really feel any 'sparks'. i don't have pleasant little thoughts of her while i walk to school, she doesn't pop into my head throughout the day, and i don't think of sweet things i could do for her. i am just not sure how seriously to take these doubts.

it could just be the fact that i haven't seen her in a couple months [skpye and email make poor alternatives], so such feelings haven't really had a chance to grow [like in a petry dish]. it also could be my own self-destructiveness coming to add his own two cents. i do have a history of getting uneasy about relationships i am in even though i am happy and they are good for me. chalk it up to some sort of insecurity or fear of relationships i guess? so i sometimes don't take these feelings all too serious.

as well do i really need these sparks? i think i will be happy if we continue on even with out the butterflies and whatnot. maybe this is just part of being an adult; not all relationships make your knees buckle and keep you up at night. but at the same time i don't really want to settle and do something which is logical [horrible word but i can't think of a better one] but i am not fully into emotionally.

the plan is for me to go visit her over march break. but i find myself kinda hesitant to go. should i go or would it be dishonest of me to do so with how i am feeling? or should i go and try to determine where these feelings are coming from?

You’re probably on March break already. I’m sorry I didn’t get to your letter sooner, but I hope you went on your trip. More on what I think later. Self-professed male and overall intelligent and well-read guy Richard McRichardson (NOT HIS REAL NAME) has volunteered to tackle this one with me:

First, the good news: It seems like you're doing a good job at being honest with yourself about your feelings without jumping to conclusions. It's always good to have a clear mind about things, but in this case it seems like you're trying to juggle too many perspectives at once and need a hand putting things in order. The bottom line is that I think you've already answered your own problems when you say that you think you will be happy if you continue on "even without the butterflies and whatnot." This relationship may not feel like others you've been through before but that doesn't mean it isn't valuable or that it can't be fulfilling in its own way. You say that you'll be happy without the butterflies and sparks for now, so, y'know what? BE happy without them for now, and worry about the future when the future comes. People's feelings do change over time and some relationships see those sparks arriving a little later than others, and some never see them at all, but that doesn't mean you're wasting your time or that you ought to give up on things just yet.

As for your "self-destructiveness" and history of uneasiness with relationships that are otherwise going well: it sounds like you need to apply the same honesty you're capable of elsewhere to that side of your thinking. You haven't really said enough about this tendency for me to offer any sort of tangible advice on it, but I can say that if you let this sort of negative thought pattern go unchecked it can and will ruin a lot of good things for you in the future. Maybe you'll always be stuck with that uneasy feeling creeping up from time to time, but hopefully you can get to the point with yourself where you're able to see it for what it is and dismiss it without too much further thought.

Now, the bad news: Long distance relationships are HARD, especially if your heart isn't in it 100%. That doesn't mean that you two are doomed, but it does mean that you'll have to put in a little extra effort from time to time. You may not have much more than skype and e-mail at your disposal, but do what you can to make communication a regular thing. You don't need to be in touch 24/7, but try to make (and keep) your e-mail correspondance and skype sessions a regular thing. If you find yourself dreading your skype conversations or considering it an awful chore to keep up with this person by e-mail, that's when I'd suggest that it's time to revisit your feelings about the whole thing.

Would it be dishonest of you to go visit her for the March break? The fact that you aren't shitting rainbows about this girl doesn't mean that it's dishonest of you to spend some time with someone whose company you enjoy. It's a visit, not a marriage proposal, and it only becomes dishonest if you blow its significance out of proportion. Go see her and have a good time - if nothing else you can use this as a good opportunity to see how you feel about her again once you're face-to-face with her and not just communicating over the internet.

One final note: when actors learn how to portray certain emotions and feelings on-stage one thing they often focus on is mimicking some of the physical signs of those emotions - things like breathing patterns, posture, and facial expressions. When you put your body into a certain state you can help convince your mind to follow along with it, and so these actors are able to feel sadness, anger, joy, or what-have-you by initiating it with their bodies first and letting their minds follow. The point of me bringing this up is to suggest that maybe you're overthinking things a little, and that you might feel better about this relationship if you just let yourself go and went with it. Being physically apart from someone you care about makes it difficult to experience the physical side of your emotions (I'm talking about things like smiles, eye contact, and basic body contact for those of you with minds stuck in the gutter), so maybe you should try tapping into the physical side of your feelings a bit more and letting your mind follow along. Smile when you're writing to her or having a conversation on skype and there's a good chance you'll sound - and feel - cheerier. If there were any problems here I'd suggest that you put some effort into working them out, but it seems to me as if all of your issues are born of your own imagination. Ignore your unfounded inner-naysaying and go into your March break trip with the expectation that you're going to have fun and, with any luck, you might just end up having a great time.

Hmm, interesting. Tomorrow: my reaction.

Monday madness… yawn.

2009-03-02T00:01:00.000-05:00

Boring: I’m pretty tired.

Exciting: I took a trip this weekend! It was really great.

Boring: It was also exhausting. And, upon returning to my home city, it took me two hours to get from the train station to my dwelling due to multiple malfunctions of public transit.

Exciting: I received several notes concerning Thursday’s and Friday’s letters.

First, my friend Mel, who is a mom, discusses her feelings on Nadya Suleman, she of many aliases and, uh, kids:

Oh man I am also slightly obsessed.

I feel if anyone is moved to death threats then all of their touching notes should be directed toward the Dr. who made this all possible. It was hugely irresponsible & dangerous for all involved. At least Octopussy was emotionally invested & perhaps unstable...what is his excuse?

So now we have 8 little babies who will almost definitely grow into 8 little kids with huge medical issues & then 8 adults who will still carry the effects of the Dr's irresponsibility.

They have to worry about infections, heart problems, eye problems, nervous system problems. They have increased rick of CP & autism. As a Dr. he should NEVER have done this.

I don't even know what to say about her. She is like the crazy cat lady of babies.

Snickers! Crazy cat lady! Yeah, apparently this guy has also fertilized another woman in the states, who is now pregnant with quadruplets or some such large brood. Like I said, I’m all for the procedure, I am not in the least bit freaked out by in-vitro and fertility treatments… as long as they’re safe. This business does not appear to be.

Then, I got lots of comment on the guy who wrote to vent a bit and solicit advice concerning his sex life with his girlfriend, whom he felt was not performing to her fullest capacity.

My pal S.B. was perhaps not as kind to our letter-writer as me, but her sentiment was generally the same – communication is important, and he likely could do with a lot more talking and listening:

To be honest, I think the problem is probably on both ends. Maybe the boy should try to be more receptive to the body language of his girl while they're getting it on. It's a matter of talking, but he should also ask himself if he's actually open to the communication HER body. It is about talking, but it's more about listening to the other.
Sex is a team effort. In order for it to be awesome, the players have to be in sync with each other, and to be in sync, you have to listen.
By the way, to the dude, did you even stop to think that the reason why she's not doing much is because YOU'RE doing a crappy job? Maybe you're too busy looking for your own pleasure in all this to be able to entice her into having a good time. These things don't just happen for girls.

My friend Johnny swung by again to give his two cents:

This is all good advice, except it seems to ignore the possibility the girl might just be a bad lay.

Let me be a bit more specific: she might be a bad lay for you. We're not all "one size fits all". Different people have different sexual chemistry, and it might just be that you two are incompatible.

By all means, take M's advice and talk to your girlfriend. I would suggest before sex you talk to her about what turns her on. Be open about what your turns are too! (And I'm not talking about major fetishes or anything, but things like "It'd be hot if you wore some sexy socks when I was fucking you", or "I like be fucked against a wall," etc.) Incorporating those little things into sex will make it hotter for both of you!

But if you're not getting anywhere with talking then dump her. Otherwise, you will seek satisfying sex elsewhere and end up hurting her more than a breakup talk ever would.

I did draw attention to the chemistry principle – people are different psychologically and sexually, which could explain some of the hitches you’ve been hitting so far. Maybe I didn’t make it clear enough that while time and increased familiarity can sometimes be the fix for a few of the situations, it’s definitely not a guarantee. Things can fail if you do manage to talk, too, but two good potential outcomes are: 1) expressing yourselves solves your problems and the relationship is saved and 2) you find out that all the talking in the world won’t make you soul mates and you quit wasting time with each other. I guess I figured the possibility of incompatibility was a given!

I don’t know if before sex is such a great idea -- that is, if you’re looking to have a frank talk. If you want to avoid having an earnest discussion on things, because you already have an idea of what you’d like your encounters to be like, by all means just go ahead and make suggestions just like Johnny uh, suggested, and put those suggestions into practice together real quick. But if you’re interested in getting at the why, I actually don’t think such a conversation should be a prelude to sex. You might require a calm atmosphere in a timeslot when you’re not doing much of anything else and when you’re feeling close to each other, I figure.

And Johnny is right: once it’s become apparent to you that it’s just not going to work, you need to follow through on that conclusion and make your classy exit. Sometimes dumping somebody can be the most stand-up, respectful thing you can do for them. A person who allows himself or herself to remain only partly invested in their partner is actually not giving their partner much regard at all.

And lastly, my buddy Richard McRichardson chimes in from afar:

He should definitely talk to her. But what if things don't work out? What if, after all of the conversation, explanation, and communication, things still aren't so steamy in the bedroom?

It might feel harsh to dump someone over bad sex, but let's face it: sex is a very important part of the vast majority of relationships. It's not "superficial" to value the physical aspects of your relationship along with the emotional ones and, frankly, bad sex could very well be worth dumping someone over. But let's not be hasty.

It's important that, along with all the communication, you give this time. Changes may not happen overnight, and she might have to adjust to your particular tastes in a number of ways. But if, at the end of the day, the sex is still bad, you're well within your rights to (politely!) call things off. Maybe she's a really cool person, and maybe the two of you can still be great friends, but trying to maintain an exclusive relationship with someone where the sex is disappointingly bad will just lead to disaster. One way or another she'll sense your dissatisfaction, which won't make her feel any better about things, and you'll probably either really regret missing out on all of the great sex you could be having in another relationship or, worse yet, cheat on her. Ending the relationship could very well be the honorable thing to do.

There is another option if the sex is still bad, if she's open to it, and that would be for the two of you to have an open relationship. That kind of arrangement is most certainly NOT for everyone, but if you really connect with this person emotionally and they can't fulfill your physical desires you might want to consider discussing the possibility of seeking physical pleasure with other partners. This is a last-ditch solution, and in all honesty it would probably be easier, safer, and more respectable to just end the relationship - introducing other partners to the mix partway through an exclusive relationship is FAR from easy - but that doesn't mean the possibility should be ignored entirely either.

Worth saying! Well put.

Richard is going to help me out with Tuesday’s letter. Ahem!

Tomorrow, a dude wants to know if his lack of butterflies and other associated stomach ailments is an indication that his long-distance relationship is going nowhere.

The lay-down let-down

2009-02-27T00:01:00.001-05:00

I hate to sound like an insensitive jerk, but I’m starting to think my girl friend is a bad lay. We’ve been sexually active for about a month now, and so far she has not climaxed. She also doesn’t seem to know what to do when she gets on top. I know she’s not a virgin, and to be honest I’d heard that was a demon in the sack. Maybe she’s just been with inexperienced guys before, but I didn’t think so. I’d hate to dump her just for being bad at sex, but that’s how much it’s frustrating me. What do you think is wrong? What should I do?

Good Lord. There are really endless possibilities when it comes to what could be behind your girlfriend’s sexual conduct.

I’ll start with the most cut and dry: it might have something to do with the physical combination of your member and her plumbing. If it seems like she doesn’t know what to do when she gets on top, it could be because she’s being surprised and confused by a painful and/or uncomfortable and/or plainly strange sensation that she hasn't experienced with any of her other sexual partners. If her vagina is more on the shallow side and you have a longish penis (in comparison to her short passage), it might cause her some discomfort in the cervical area to be experiencing entry at such an angle. If her vagina tips at an angle or veers off to the side (these things weren’t designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, people), and you have a bit of a curve to you yourself in an opposing direction, that may also feel strangely to her. She may not realize that with you she needs to try a different type of motion than she’s used to using while on top, and maybe the whole situation will be remedied when she is more accustomed to your physique.

Now, possibly the most obvious possibility: Maybe she doesn’t feel all that comfortable with you. Not all women need to have your respect and devotion in order to use your body to make themselves feel good, just like it is with some men. But this one may need some semblance of security in order to become uninhibited enough to climax, let alone climb on top of you and give you a full view of her body at the mercy of motion and gravity. She may not be sure enough of her feelings for you and your feelings for her. Maybe she really likes you and is still nervous. Maybe you just like different things and she has to get more used to your habits and preferences. This potential situation may also be fixed with time and increased familiarity.

And now, here’s my customary stab at being psychic:

People change their sexual behaviour as their lives go on, sometimes whether they want to or not. What works for you at 15 will not necessarily work for you at 20, what works for you at 20 may not work for you at 25. Et cetera and so on. I don’t know what you heard from your, uh, friends, but maybe your girlfriend has started a ‘lay there and moan’ phase since the time she knew… them.

There’s no one reason why this happens. In this case, whether you meant to or not, you’ve inferred here that she has been promiscuous in the past, by kind of saying that she came with great recommendations. I know that when some women go through periods of feeling antagonized, they can become very passive about sex, craving contact and validation from another human being, but retreating into themselves for the duration of the actual act, because other people have been hurting them and they are afraid to feel anything remotely like humiliation or rejection. Maybe she gets that guys are talking about her. Maybe she perceived on some level that you’re expecting something of her based on some kind of reputation she’s built, or just had imposed upon her, and maybe she is fighting that by demanding that you do all the work. Maybe you need to examine the way you think of her, and consider the likelihood that you are unwittingly giving her the message that you are only valuing her for what you’ve heard she’s capable of.

In summary, the only thing that I am absolutely sure would help in all scenarios, including the three I just presented, is, you guessed it, yes, yes, TALKING.

How do you know she’s not climaxing? If you’ve talked about this at all, you’re on the right track, but maybe she’s not being as vocal about her orgasms as you’re expecting she would be, and that can be a problem, too.

And what are you like during sex? Are you being encouraging? Do you tell her she’s beautiful and make it audible that you’re having a good time? Or do you just lay there, soundless and expectant? It works both ways: sullen is rarely sexy to anybody.

And, another thing: if you feel like you know better what she should be doing on top, have you thought to just tell her?

I ALMOST FORGOT: the HOW. HOW do you talk to her. Well, nicely, for starters. This type of concern is often brought up in the heat of frustration. You really risk putting it off until you can't stand the situation any more, creating the perfect conditions for a volcanic eruption of stupid.

Don't try a point blank question like, 'what is wrong with you?' Bring it up casually, perhaps right after sex when you're laying around together, and ask her questions like, 'does it make you uncomfortable to be on top?' Or make an observation like, 'sometimes when we're having sex, you don't look like you're enjoying yourself,' and follow it up with, 'are you enjoying yourself?' And try thinking of it like something you may have control over, as opposed to some poor service you're getting from some kind of wait staff, and ask her, 'is there anything I can do differently?'

I’m glad you wrote, and I'm glad to respond, but you really need to talk to her, for the love of God.

All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two/ Had no intention to do the things we've done...

2009-02-26T00:41:00.002-05:00

So, I’m kind of obsessed with Nadya Suleman (a.k.a. Natalie Denise Suleman, a.k.a. Nadya Soloman, a.k.a. Octomom, a.k.a. Octopussy, a.k.a. Crazy Eyes, depending on what news site or internet gossip rag you subscribe to). Me and the rest of the world? I don’t know, actually. I’m not sure just how much media coverage is proportional to actual public interest in certain issues. I think I started reading about her because there was suddenly a surplus of print items on her available on the Internet.

Anyway, those of you who have not been paying attention: my boyfriend won’t listen to me talk about this issue any more, so please be patient with my interpretation, because I don’t watch a lot of T.V.

Ahem! Nadya Suleman is a 33-year-old unemployed student and mother of 14. While her latest pregnancy yielded eight children, she states that she has not had sex in eight years. All of her children, aged two months to seven-years-old, were conceived via in-vitro fertilization -- a medical procedure that I don't wish to appear to express any problem with or opposition to. People who want to have kids and can afford them and can afford to undergo in-vitro can do it without any protest or opposition from me.

But in this case, it means that she has somehow afforded seven $10,000 to $15,000 cycles of treatment (along with cosmetic surgery apparently performed on her nose, lips and chin, which has created in her a striking resemblance to Angelina Jolie -- it has been reported that Suleman attempted to contact Jolie several times in 2008, but she has denied an obsession with the star). Her parents say the money came from an accident claim settlement with her former workplace, and a few sources have reported that the settlement, awarded sometime after 2000, totaled around $120,000.

The angle a lot of news agencies are taking with this story is the financial aspect of the situation, because we are not allowed to forget for one minute that the stock market is a piece of shit. Our fears about our own financial well-being and that of our families is kind of being played upon, here. I admit it was the first thing I thought of, before I knew Suleman’s particular lifestyle situation, again, because the credit crunch is all over the damn news.

Another angle that’s been ran with is that of Suleman’s supposed reality television aspirations. One site was reporting early on that she was hoping for her own show and an insinuated job as a ‘parenting expert.’

TLC, the network no longer marketed as The Learning Channel and now home to such gross and disturbing parenting/reality shows as John and Kate Plus Eight (about a neurotic and mostly unemployed couple and their eight children conceived with the help of science), made it a point to state publicly that while they were initially interested in Suleman’s situation for a show, they definitely aren’t anymore.

Now Suleman’s telephone conversations with T.V. psychiatrist and Oprah protégé Dr. Phil McGraw are being reported on. In case you don’t want to click on the link, Suleman has voiced fears that she will not be granted custody of her eight infants when the time comes for them to leave hospital care, unless her financial and habitual situation becomes stable enough, though these possible imposed standards have not been made public. I guess she was on his late afternoon talk show today but again: I don’t watch T.V., and I was probably having a life when it aired.

I’m not obsessed because I love thinking about the impending depression, or because I like reality T.V. that much or at all. I actually want to know how this all ends up, and that everybody is going to be O.K.

Who knows for sure why this woman is compelled to have children. I’ve read that she has been obsessed with being a Mom since her teens and that she is motivated by the belief that her childhood as an only child was incomplete. I’ve read that she was married at 21 and divorced at 25, and suffered several miscarriages after this separation while trying to get pregnant. It’s hard, when you’ve believed that you’ve found someone you love, to be disillusioned with divorce. You think to yourself, wow, if it didn’t work with this person, how can it ever work with anybody else? Maybe she believed that she could only truly relate to people who come directly from her own womb, and that only the love of a child is enough love to cure her emptiness. Maybe her failed marriage left her feeling that alone. Or maybe her marriage failed because she only really wanted to be a Mom and her husband required her to be a wife.

Regardless, Cher and Perez Hilton and the handful of people who have sent the Sulemans death threats really seem to want us to punish her for what has happened. True, if the world steps in to help a woman who has done something really financially and emotionally irresponsible – I do think that putting so many tiny lives in motion without the immediate means to care for and nurture them was really freaking irresponsible and, dare I say it? Yes? Selfish as Hell – who can tell the next woman who wants to try it that she shouldn’t?

The fact remains, though, that these children didn’t ask to be born, and I would really hate to see them punished for the sake of proving a point to their weird Mom. I hope they get some help. Like, some real help, and not just an opportunity to sell more of themselves to people who would dole it out to people who would like to read about it.

What do you think?

Usurper as sister: a reader’s response

2009-02-25T00:01:00.000-05:00

One lady saw a red flag in Tuesday’s letter (about a girl who doesn’t like seeing her idiot ex spreading his idiot self to other potential idiots and then feeling like she’s watching them being idiots together), that she just could not ignore.

1) Love your use of Turd Ferguson
2) Love the t-t-t-tambourine.
3) I am real quick to feel bad for the new girlfriend in this situation! Not only is she potentially dating a well, Turd Ferguson, who would go after someone while still involved with someone else (does not bode well for the future, frankly), but also, the writer says that she doesn't know how much New Girlfriend knows about what went on. It is very likely that she didn't know about Old Girlfriend's very current status when Turd came on her scene. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt because I have been in that situation myself, and have found out later - it is super awkward (and makes you feel very guilty). I've also been the new GF getting the evil eye from the old GF during social occassions, and damnit if it doesn't freak a person out. She says she was never actually introduced to the girl, and actually, there is a reasonable possibility that the new girl doesn't know who she is, and was only looking her over because our dear question writer was throwing off hostile vibes. I guess it just weirds me out that she said she's so angry at the two of them, when as far as the letter indicates, this was really the guy's doing (harsh way to break up with her btw!). She doesn't have to be best friends with the new lady, but hating her just screams of girl-on-girl crime to me.

(And so, Wednesday is devoted to the following hypothetical situation: a girl is completely unaware of the circumstances of her boyfriend’s last breakup, in which he actually didn’t bother to make things final with the other girl until well after things were underway with the new girl, and the old girl is pissed.)

Yeah! Like I said, don’t be mad at the two of them. It’s easy to project the personality and attitude of the ex onto someone who will touch him after he’s done what he’s done, but the fact remains that she may not be privy to all of his shit. It happens, lots of us have been there, and if that is what has happened here, it sucks that he has put the new girl in that position… the one where a part in some drama she may not even understand is forced on her.

By the time a victim of this kind of shit can know what’s going on, everybody in town may have decided she’s a slag. All of a sudden, this woman is on par with our original Tuesday letter writer, with a similar compulsion to clear her name, and with only a faint notion of what she’s actually done, let alone what to do about it.

So, was my advice to the ex-girlfriend, to leave it alone and let her ex-boyfriend’s new romance take its course, wrong? Should she actually try to warn this girl about this guy’s character? One reader seemed to think so:

girlfriend needs to let the new girl know what she’s getting into. i wish my ex’s ex would have done the same for me, because then maybe i would have dumped him before he cheated on me. i just know that i would have appreciated it.

I don’t know. Maybe now you say you would have appreciated it, but there’s a lot to be said for perspective, a la, you didn’t feel then what you feel now, because you didn’t know then what you know now. I think it’s actually a rare woman who will trust another woman, especially an ex-girlfriend (and potential rival, in their eyes), criticizing somebody she really likes, to have their best interests at heart. But maybe you didn't feel all that strongly about the guy at first, and those feelings grew later on before you could find out the truth. In general, I’d say it’s best to stay out of the lives of exes, not antagonize new girlfriends, and let them learn their own lessons -- especially considering it's more useful for someone to hear information of this nature from someone they feel they can trust, i.e., not their romantic interest's ex -- but I suppose I will make this allowance: some girls do like to think they would like a heads-up.

I really think that anybody who finds out they’ve been tricked into dating somebody who will move on before he’s ended a relationship can either embark on a vigorous, conspicuous, inappropriate innocence campaign, and risk looking guilty and graceless… and really really weird… or! Try to forget about the whole thing and trust that people will get to know her well enough to know she’s not mean, or maybe that people will notice a pattern of deception in the ex’s behaviour that could explain the whole thing. Kind of like what I recommended for ex-girlfriend.

So yeah! I stand by my previous assessment: I still think the ex-girlfriend needs to stop the vicious cycle of giving a damn and resist the fear of judgment of others and live a nice life. Now! For the sake of all womankind, and that is how she can be fair to the new girl.

Love is a battlefield; keep this one a Cold War

2009-02-24T00:01:00.006-05:00

I recently attended a party. My ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend were there. I'm still angry at the two of them because he pursued her before breaking it off with me [I hadn't any idea that things were going so badly, he just cut off all communication and left me in the dark on that one for nearly a month, but i digress].

I didn't say anything to them, because there were others around that I could talk to, and to be fair, they hadn't made any attempt to be friendly with me. She kept looking me over, which intrigues me because I haven't any idea what he's told her about me, and yet I'm concerned that she hasn't heard the full story.

I suppose if it ever comes up, I could plead "Well, you never introduced us" (which is true-- he never made an effort to introduce her to me or vice-versa) or "Well, what did you expect? To greet and be BFF with the girl you were pursuing while you were still with me PISS OFF" or something like that. Either way, I'm concerned that my name won't be clear in this situation, and I somehow come off looking like a crazy bitch because I have no desire to know and talk with either of them. It becomes difficult because my ex and I are within the same circle of friends, and will be invited to (and probably attend) the same gatherings.

It hurts enough to see them together-- if I can't protect my heart, is there any way I can protect my dignity and reputation?

The dynamic between the ex-girlfriend and the now-girlfriend can be one of the lumpiest, foggiest, most passive-aggressive things, especially if you’re not on speaking terms with your old flame, things didn’t end well, and you stand to see them around with any frequency at all.

Chances are only slim that he has been kind to your memory. People vent to others about their exes, or anybody else they share any disputes with. It’s an immature impulse that stays with many people all their lives. What’s good is mutual friends and acquaintances will decide for themselves if any criticism of an ex is valid.

True, a person who vents more and to more people may appear to be the more wounded and slighted in the relationship/bloodshed, but they’re perhaps more likely to appear bitter and vengeful if they’re going off on an ex with regularity, and for a period of time disproportionate to the gripes (i.e., if you’re still raving about fair comments an ex made about you in 2002, let me do you the favour of letting you know that you look like jackass. Ahem. ‘You look like a jackass.’ And, you’re welcome). Have you ever heard the expression, ‘give them enough rope and they’ll hang themselves’? Basically, it means that in some situations you should let bitches bitch all they want because it’ll just drive people to side with the silent.

But, it tends to be in a current girlfriend (or boyfriend’s) interest to side with their S.O. when it comes to anything said about a predecessor. They want to please their new romantic interest, they want to come off the winner in any comparison/contest, and they likely don’t want to believe they’re with someone who would say something unfair, or, God forbid, untrue!

It’s better if a girlfriend can be a voice of reason; It's better to discourage pettiness and help him be realistic and reasonable, and see any error in his own actions, because then he can be a better person for her. A guy with any brain at all would come to appreciate and respect a girl who could act so genuinely and intelligently, because those are marks of a truly good person.

But you can’t trust that she’s like that. And you really can't take it upon yourself to try to enlighten her about this guy and your past relationship with him. It'll look crazy, and she's not likely to listen due to all the stuff I said above. Even if you make sense, it will not compute.

So, even though it might make you feel a little helpless, you should probably resign yourself to the fact that your ex has probably said something about his past relationship with you to his new girl, and that unless they’re already in the thick of a really frank and candid meeting-of-the-minds kind of match, she’s not seeing any crack in his reasoning. Yet.

All actual names, places and professions have been replaced with just as believable ones in the following anecdote:

My friend Minnie hooked up with Stevie, who had been recently dumped by Francie. One night, Minnie sat in the light of a single pine-scented candle in Stevie’s basement apartment, and listened to him pronounce all the emotional hardships that Francie had put him through, as a very serious, insensitive girl, always pressuring him to get a better job and go to the gym and stop making his clever clever fart jokes. Minnie laughed as Stevie dubbed Francie ‘beaver-teeth’ or some such rude name. And then they probably did it. You know. It.

A year later, a disillusioned Minnie left Stevie for Dickie, a very serious guy indeed, because, as Minnie found out, all of the criticisms Stevie rhymed off about himself as coming from Francie were pretty valid. Serious Francie is now an investment banker, and to my knowledge Single, Aging Stevie is working the graveyard shift at a KFC in rural Nova Scotia. Jealous?

People who date can’t help but learn a lot about each other. If your ex is not a great guy and if he is not saying fair things about you to this girl, she’ll realize it someday, and she might end up in the same boat you are in now, with a spectacular marine view of what an ass he is. Don’t be angry at the two of them because she might be completely oblivious. She wouldn’t be the first oblivious woman to carry on with a man for a while before things have been officially resolved with another one, for example.

By the time she’s in the boat you are in now, you will be in a different boat. A speedboat on the French Riviera, perhaps. Not giving a damn. You know that’s the outcome, right? In the future, likely the near future, whatever Turd Ferguson is telling his chick about you now won’t matter a whole lot. It’s not even important now (which is why it would look weird for you to try to talk to her about him, another reason to not bother trying to get your story out there).

I think it only hurts you to see them together because you feel like they're conspiring against you, and that you give undue weight to the issue when you think like this. Like you said, they are only two people that you don’t care to know or speak to. So take what I’ve said here, about the inevitable, and don’t know or speak to them (by this I mean, don't seek them out, and just smile and nod when you make eye contact), and don’t care about it. From here it looks like you only risk looking like a crazy bitch if you let yourself feel and act like a crazy bitch now.

Continue to be polite and fun to be around. If you’re cool and they’re jerks, people will notice. If you can’t feel cool, i.e. actualize to yourself the fact that it's not reasonable to care: think cool and act cool, and you’ll find the sensation will be along. If you have trouble smiling at them, just think of this. Always worked for me.

Monday mail makes marvelous

2009-02-23T00:01:00.003-05:00

Lots of people had stuff to say about Friday’s letter, on the girl who appears to be smitten with her gay roommate.

One articulate reader took time out of their busy schedule to share:

good luck with that.

How minimalist. In a way that kind of says it all. It’s an extremely sticky situation, and there is likely no perfect solution. I had to offer two potential options in my reply, emphasizing my love for the honesty angle. My gay friend Johnny wrote in to express his preference for the behaviour modification angle:

This line struck me as being very odd: "She likes sleeping in his bed, as opposed to her own."

Dude lets her sleep in his bed? With him?

Perhaps Hernando is in this mess because he likes the attention and enables it? God knows, he wouldn't be the first homo to do something dumb like that.

But setting aside that, I don't think I'd confront her about this as it will only serve to make her upset and paranoid and probably a lousy roommate at the same time.

I like the advice of cutting the strings. Part of the reason she's attracted to him is undoubtedly due to all the attention he gives her.

And, for heaven's sake, tell her to sleep in her own god damn bed.

You’re right, Johnny. I think I should have advised Hernando’s friend to advise him to be more reserved with Janice regardless of whether he decided to tell her how her attention had been making him feel. True, I did say he should have been able to be affectionate with his new, suddenly close female friend, but I should have said that's O.K. provided she was well-adjusted enough to not take it as something it wasn’t, and that does not seem to be Janice, so it follows that his friendliness does seem to have gotten him into trouble here. Live and learn, better late than never… etc.

So I modify my advice. Cut the apron strings a bit, maybe little by little, and see what happens. If nothing improves, I still strongly recommend talking to her, because you know he risks making her upset and paranoid and a lousy roommate if he changes his behaviour with her and she notices and is hurt and confused by that, too. If Hernando ‘confronts’ Janice (though I think that’s a really strong word for what should happen here), there’s a chance it’ll not go well, but there’s a chance she’ll realize how intense she’s being and ease up. It’s kind of an optimistic choice, I think; their friendship (not to mention home life), should it continue, would be more genuine and healthy and relaxed than if he just started avoiding her.

Neither solution is fail proof, and there’s going to be some discomfort no matter what. Sucks!

Somebody agrees an advice alteration was needed:

I think cutting the stings little by little is definitely a smarter choice, especially since she's his roommate and that complicated things quite a bit.
I really do think that Janice is just taking the loose rope Hernando gives her and now he realizes he gave her a bit too much and he's no longer comfortable with that.
I also think he should backtrack one step at the time: start doing things without her, take time away from home to breathe, stop telling her everything, etc.
Truth is, it's sort of like the overbearing friend you were talking about earlier. The fact that he hasn't pushed her away earlier is because a part of him needs or enjoys that closeness as well, so I think both of them are troubled in this and not just the slightly delusional Janice. It seems to me like both of them need the affection and stability. Just now, Hernando feels the need to peel himself away and fly on his own for a bit, and that's exactly what he should do, allthewhile communicating with Janice so she won't double her efforts to try to get closer while he's trying to pull away. Hernando needs to learn how to respect himself and how to communicate so that others respect him as well.

That could all be helpful to consider.

Somebody wrote in to criticize my assessment of Janice:

How can you say you know all this stuff about someone you don’t know? Maybe she’s just awkward. You can’t say for sure she’s in love with the guy.

Hey, sure, it’s definitely possible she just has no idea how to be a friend, if that’s what you mean by ‘awkward.’ I could totally see that. But you know, these blog entries get pretty long anyway without me trying to catch every single possibility for a situation. And, the meat of my advice -- for Hernando to talk to her and/or cool down his involvement a bit -- would work in the situation that you pose, too.

You know, if nobody felt the freedom to make calls in situations concerning people they don’t know, the advice column, as a model, could not be sustained. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN THAT WORLD.

Tune in Tuesday for my thoughts on the dynamic between ex-girlfriends and now-girlfriends, as one girl struggles to not send her ex and his chick mind bullets every time she sees them.

Barking up the gay tree

2009-02-20T00:01:00.007-05:00

Dear They Said What?,

Yay! Not another (romantic) relationship question! Here's my issue: My best friend just moved in with a girl. In keeping with using fake names to protect privacy, I'll call him Hernando and her Janice. Our close knit group of friends only really started hanging out with Janice a few months ago, and she and Hernando really hit it off. Although we all found her to be kind of annoying, they did seem to have a lot of fun together, and it could be fun partying with them. When they announced they were moving in together though, that is when everyone really started to worry. See, Janice seems to be madly in love with Hernando. And Hernando is openly gay.

Janice talks about Hernando constantly when they are apart. She raves about him and never expresses any interest in hanging out with anyone else. On his part, I know that he liked the attention at first, especially since the rest of our group had an autumn full of schoolwork and late shifts, and weren't really able to party all the time, which is what she loves to do. At the start of it all, he thought maybe we were being jealous, because she wanted to occupy all his time, but really, he works hard to make sure that all his friends know how much he cares for us, so that was never an issue.

What is an issue is that we all pretty much think she is delusional, and think that she sees their friendship and roommatehood as having the potential for much much more. It has gotten to the point were even Hernando (since moving in with her for financial reasons) has even told me "I don't know what to do, I think she actually might have feelings for me" to which I of course replied "Well, yeah. I told you that." She keeps constant tabs on him, always wanting to know where he is and who he is with. She likes sleeping in his bed, as opposed to her own. She buys him presents all the time, and makes plans for the long-distant future as though really planning a life with him. Hernando told me that once when they were both drunk, she propositioned him, and then pretended it was just a joke. To top it all off, one day as Janice was telling me "I need a boyfriend. It is just so hard, living with this beautiful man, and he's just so amazing, and I need to get laid!" and I said, "Janice, don't fall in love with Hernando, okay?" and she said "What?... Oh my god, I know. Why would you say that... wait, has he said anything?" in a very lady-doth-protest-too-much sort of way.

I feel like this is getting really long, so I will try to wrap up. Basically, since moving in with this girl, Hernando has finally become creeped out by her behaviour enough to ask me for advice, but I am just no good at giving advice. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but she does know that he has no romantic interest in women, and he doesn't know what else he can tell her. He can't move out because they have a lease, and he still wants to be her friend of course. As his friend, I don't like to see him in this situation mainly because it has the potential to get really awkward. So, um, any thoughts?

We say things all the time for the sake of sensitivity. They're often truthful, but they also don't risk hurting anybody's feelings. There have been many a drunken Saturday night when I've been all too happy to utter the words, 'I have a boyfriend' to some physically unappealing or otherwise offensive man or woman. Hernando has: 'I'm gay.' With options like these, the trick is often done without having to call attention to what is underlying in these scenarios: a lack of attraction. The hit-on-er is left thinking, 'she/he isn't able,' and they move on without having to acknowledge the that the hit-on-ee's answer ALSO likely means he or she is not willing, either.

In Janice's head, the problem is 'just' Hernando’s homosexuality. She seems to have mentally reduced it to the single thing standing in the way of her happiness with someone she really likes and gets along with, so really she needs to come to see it in terms of utter lack of attraction in order to get it. We, along with Janice, risk forgetting that this business here with Hernando is equal to any other unwanted sexual advance.

Why might Janice need this extra dose of reality? Not all hags are alike, but at least some of the heterosexual ones are hungry for love, and some of that subset are into gays because straights aren't into them. They seek validation from those whom they may see as non-threatening eunuchs, because they don’t actually understand homosexuality. Sure, they don’t live in a vacuum, they’ve been told that some men love men like other men love women, and they know that men manage to have sex with each other somehow, but the whole thing has not been actualized to them. They are accepting of homosexuality in an unthinking way. They like gay men, but they don’t actually get what they do, beyond, ‘hey, I like boys, too.’ Deep down they might even believe a gay boy may just need the right woman to come along. Shudder with me: Ugh!

Unwittingly, some of the cuddlier homos oblige them; gay men would be well within their rights to think that they can be as verbally and physically affectionate as they like with their willing female friends because they don’t risk sending mixed messages; their proclaimed orientation should speak for itself. But hormonally, when a friendship with a gay man turns a certain shade of warm, women like Janice embark on a simulated romantic relationship. Companionship, light physical contact -- sometimes intermediate physical affection if you're dealing with some of the Ted Homosexuals I've rubbed up against in my day – from someone who, let's face it, probably works out, with no sexual tension or heartbreak. Friendship is the romance that never has to end. Right?

As we see here in the case of Janice and Hernando, oh Hell no. The sexual tension kicks in real good and one-sided, and in the words of The Marvelettes: Danger, Heartbreak Dead Ahead. "If only he wasn't gay."

Here's a question for you and H-man to ponder: how has he dealt with the fact that he's gay? I am by no means suggesting that this is his fault for not looking gay enough. But perhaps a key to understanding lonely Janice's delusion lies in what she may be able give her brain to fantasize/scheme with. How recently openly gay is he? Is he out to his family? Did he try out bisexuality as a label before warming up to public homosexuality? Has he had girlfriends? Is he dating men now? Is he bringing any boys home? I gather from your mention of school and partying that you guys are kind of young. Maybe Janice, in her naïve, kind of disrespectful internalization of gayness, doesn’t believe Hernando, who may just still be learning to be comfortable with himself, is walking the walk enough.

If that’s what she’s thinking, she hasn’t got a right. People are gay or straight in their own ways, and Hernando shouldn’t feel pressure to conduct himself in a way he wouldn’t usually, and especially not in his own home. It’s not an excuse for her behaviour, but it’s a reason, and maybe that can give you guys some insight as to how to proceed.

Unfortunately, I am not completely certain about how to communicate lack of attraction to someone without risking an air of the confrontational in this scenario, in which reality would be a clear enough indication of what is reasonable behaviour for most people. If he’s not comfortable about leveling with her yet, things obviously haven’t gotten weird enough. Trust me, that’ll happen. I would actually put money on my suspicion that it has happened and attachments like these form a pattern in Janice’s life. You guys may have only been hanging out with her a few months, but she didn’t come out of nowhere, and you have to wonder what she did with her time before you and Hernando came along.

Hernando can’t live like this, and he certainly can’t let it get worse, for his sake and for Janice’s. If he really doesn’t want to beat her over the head with how much he does not want to do the sex with her because he cares about her, and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, and wants to keep her friendship, tell him to think of it this way: Friends don’t let friends make themselves ridiculous and miserable. If Janice is his friend, she is his friend who has a problem, and he does her no favours by pretending everything is fine. To make it known, in a caring and genuine way, that she is making him uncomfortable, and to try to talk to her about why she is so very, very inappropriately focusing her energy on him, is to be a true friend.

If she doesn’t respond well to this -- and a poor response encompasses everything between disproportionate anger to groveling, disproportionate repentance. Huge reactions are sometimes ploys to take the focus off of the situation at hand and make the other party feel bad -- her problem may not be one that Hernando is equipped to help her iron out, especially if she’s not willing to confront it herself, and especially if my pattern theory is true. Sometimes you have to quietly break a lease and let crazy sort itself out.

If all of that is still not an option for him, he could just try cutting the apron strings a bit. Start making it a point to not divulge everything about his life to her, start consciously making plans that do not include her… does his bedroom door have a lock on it?

Readers, you can chime in at any time. I'll post your advice on Monday!

PERSONAL DAY.

2009-02-19T00:01:00.002-05:00

I maded this to show you that midterms be bein' a handful and I'm doing myself a solid on a Thursday.

But on Friday: A straight woman may just be in love with her openly-gay male roommate. Tune in tomorrow to see what a concerned friend has to tell me. And you, I guess.

Do unto ME, O.K.?

2009-02-18T00:01:00.003-05:00

I think many of us have the same problem with forgiveness as we have with generosity...
My own actions of giving freely, I find, are always saddled with the expectation of future return, an unsatiated desire for reciprocal gratitude...which makes my 'generosity' more like one half of an unspoken and later unfulfilled barter.
How often do we create and cling to our own misery without even realising it?

Well, you sound sad. What you’ve written here reminds me of this anecdote:

I knew a girl once -- I will call her... Oprah (NOT HER REAL NAME) -- who was always doing things for a small group of female friends. Calling them to check in, making plans with them, picking them up, driving them around, buying them thoughtful little gifts.

After a few months to a year of this, these ladies began to feel a little freaked out by Oprah and her special attention, if not at least slightly annoyed. Oprah was making herself the opposite of scarce, calling several times a day, showing up randomly on people’s lawns. She wasn’t a great conversationalist, but she insisted on dominating and controlling group interactions, vetoing topics she didn’t have an interest in and trying to anticipate and intercept comments that might offend others. You can't make this stuff up.

She was also getting to be quite demanding. She had the courtesy to notify her friends of her every single move; why couldn’t they show her the same 'sensitivity'? She knew their birthdays, shoe-sizes, allergies and bedtimes; why didn’t they put the same effort in where she was concerned? Some of the girls in her circle of friends didn’t appreciate the guilt-trip, some of them didn’t appreciate the crawliness they’d feel when her name showed up on their phones. To my knowledge, everybody stopped talking to Oprah, but she found a new circle of friends and used what she learned in her past life about the nature of entitlement and restraining orders to not alienate them, and she’s finally happy with a group of people who aren’t constantly hurting her feelings and/or making her angry.

Oprah is an example of what can happen to people who don’t get the nuances of how to apply the Golden Rule. Some people think, “ok, surefire way to get what I want from people is to give them what I want. Wicked, let’s go.” It isn’t surefire, and it isn’t right to go about doing kindnesses thinking there should be a payoff of some kind (other kindnesses, respect, loyalty) in the end. To answer your question, I think people create and cling to their own misery VERY OFTEN, and I think at least some of them do this by clinging to their own ideas of justice and what is fair and not leaving room for the fact other people won’t necessarily subscribe to them. Maybe you’re really smart and everybody should think the way you do, but that doesn’t mean that they have to, and the more you live in your own head, the more likely you are to fail at life.

Empirically, undoubtedly: the decent thing is to be nice to people who are nice to you. For example, if you want to be friendly to an acquaintance and wave and say hi or whatever, and they’d rather snub you and be cold with you or otherwise make you feel uncomfortable for trying to be civil, this acquaintance may just be a piece of shit, and you likely need to accept that there’s nothing you can do about it, and that there is nothing you should do about it. Don’t try harder to make them like you, and don’t sink to their level of bitchery. They can be as crappy as they want to be, barring harassment and violence, because there is no niceness police. It might help you to passive-aggressively remember that people do notice and many of them do not approve when someone is shitty to someone who doesn’t deserve it, and that a person’s poor treatment of you could come back to bite them on the ass or cause them to lose the respect of a witness, but again: no real niceness police, and few people will support attempts to exact your own brand of vigilante justice over stuff like rudeness.

It’s kind of the same in the case of a romantic relationship. The decent thing is to treat your S.O. just as well as they treat you. If any of you find your boyfriend or girlfriend is not returning the favour, it could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe they’re clueless and/or inexperienced, and maybe you need to let them know that you don’t feel like they’re being fair to you. Maybe you’re overdoing it; maybe your affection is not proportional to the seriousness of your relationship, and that could mean you’re asking for too much and that you have to cool it down. And, there’s the obvious: if you’re not getting what you want from them, he or she may not right for you.

The decent thing is to treat your S.O. just as well as they treat you, but you can only legally prosecute someone for abuse if you can prove it, and no court of law is going to order your girlfriend to bake you a cake just because you baked her one.

Besides the fact that it’ll make you pretty unpopular, it’s not good for your mental health, martyring yourself out of a desire for gratitude. You risk getting to the point where you’re going around resenting ingrates as complete idiots and thinking of yourself as the world’s best person, cultivating the kind of scary arrogance that a lot of insane dudes rock so well.

Giving freely is great, but if it’s making you expect a lot of other people, to the point that you’re feeling miserable and disregarded by those you care about, and you suspect it may be due to a tendency you have to seek gratitude and reward, maybe it’s better – for everyone involved – if you learn to be little ‘selfish.’

It's all over your face

2009-02-17T00:01:00.006-05:00

O hai. I have a non-relationship question, if you please. I want to know about skin care because I'm decidedly challenged in almost all aspects of womanly body maintenance.

So, about a year ago I stopped taking birth control pills after over a decade of hormone consumption. I'm enjoying this except that it has resulted in some mild acne, especially on my cheeks and temples. I blame this on the fact that I tend to sleep on my side with one half of my face jammed hard into the pillow. I've tried making a point of falling asleep on my back, but I always seem to end up on my side by the time I wake up.

My current beauty regimen involves using an exfoliant "for oily and acne-prone skin" in the shower in the morning followed by some toner applied with cotton balls. Before bed, I wash my face using just warm water and a clean wash cloth, and then I wipe it with some medicated pads. All of this is so far not very effective. Also I have combination skin featuring an oily T-zone and normal-to-dry rest-of-face. My acne's not crazy like it was when I was a teenager, but I'm pretty self-conscious about it, to the point that I avoid putting my hair in a ponytail. This is a terrible shame because I otherwise look really cute with my hair in a ponytail. HALP.

I, too, recently took a break from hormonal contraceptives.

(Sidenote: A lot of doctors tell you there’s no reason for you to do this, and some will say you can use the pill or the patch or what have you to avoid having periods, uh, period, because your body doesn’t need to have a period when it isn’t trying to conceive a child. There’s apparently not much risk in taking these hormones as long as you’re a non-smoker without heart problems and you have your doctor’s approval. O.K.: I’m not a doctor, but I feel that I may benefit from a one or two-month break every now and then. That’s just a personal choice, I don’t necessarily encourage everyone else to do it, and I don’t pretend to be qualified to dispense medical advice.)

I, too, noticed an increase in facial acne, mostly on my forehead. Mine was pretty much explosive though, because besides being off hormones for the first time in a year, it was also around Christmas, meaning I was eating a lot of junk, and also meaning that the weather was super harsh. Terrible.

The fact that your current beauty regimen does not include a moisturizer pretty much shocks me. Not because I’m disgusted by your manliness, but because I’m pretty sure my own face would fall off if I did what you’re doing without regular moisturizing.

Your skin will produce an excess of oil when it’s fooled into thinking it’s too dry, -- rough weather, hormones and excessive cleansing are things that can fool it -- and this will produce stuff like acne and/or greasy hair. Being vigilant about washing the oil off (i.e., washing your face and hair often and avoiding things like moisturizer and conditioner) doesn’t really help that much, because it just provokes the skin into greasing itself some more.

For your acne, you can try washing your face less and washing your hair every second day and using conditioner, because hair and scalp health can be a factor in breakouts (I try to shampoo and condition every third day, myself, and I only heat style twice a week at the most, and you'll find a lot of the high end hairdressers and colourists think this way too), but moisturizer sounds like what you need. It might not work right away, and your spottiness might even worsen for a day or two or three because your skin will need some time to stabilize, deal with the new moisture and ease up on producing its own, but you’d likely notice a difference of the good kind in a week or two.

You can’t just put any old moisturizer on a face, let alone a broken-out one. The store-brand body lotion you find at Wal-Mart or whatever and even the more expensive body lotion you might have from like The Body Shop would likely have a comedogenic (pore-screwing) effect on your face. This is my usual stuff, and I would recommend this version for what you’re telling me about your skin. If you’d rather not spend $30 on this stuff (though I find it lasts me three months), there’s this stuff, for combination skin, which you can get at pretty much any pharmacy for not much money. There is a moisturizer out there for everyone. I'm a pretty big tightwad these days, but I think face cream is something people of all conceivable genders and ages need to invest in.

And, you may not find these helpful, but I just want to express my love for these damn things. They’re little packet facials, $2 at pharmacies everywhere, and after one of them my skin looks about a million times better than normal. They are most definitely not meant for regular use, but when you want your skin to look extra dewy once in a while, why the Hell not?

Someone else wrote in to comment:

so another problem with this girl's skin routine might be her over-exfoliation, especially if she is doing it every day in the shower like she said. That's far too often, and basically her skin is going to be producing even more oil not only because it is dried out, but because it is trying to protect itself after being rubbed raw daily.
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she's using St. Ives Apricot Scrub, just because it is quite popular. It's a great product, but not for every day use. I'd recommend some of their regular face washes, if she's looking for something that isn't too harsh.
Another good and economical moisturizer I'd recomend is Garnier's Fresh series - they make a really nice eye make-up remover too :)

Good call, stranger! Over-exfoliation can be a problem, too! I tend to forget about that possibility for others because I am the very rare person who needs to exfoliate nearly every day. Some people find even just using a wash cloth has enough of an exfoliating effect for them. Definitely look into a non-scratchy cleanser. I use this foamy one.

And another adds:

In picking a moisturizer, it's important to look for something that's water based and ph balanced.
Balanced ph is mega important, especially for people who tend to break out a lot.

Yup! Try that, if you like! That info will be on the label.

Other than that, I don’t know if your sleeping position would affect things much. Change/wash your pillowcase once a week if you feel like it, and definitely see if you can sleep in a ponytail, as it could be your hair between your face and the pillow causing things.

Something else to consider: What is your diet like? When you had the hormone crutch keeping your acne in check, you might have been able to get away with more vitamin imbalance. When I’m eating a lot of B12-heavy foods (bacon, eggs, cheese, most good things) and not balancing it out with green veg and antioxidants, I acne up real good, especially on my temples. I don’t think I’d recommend trying to reduce your B12 intake unless acne is not your only problem, because it’s very important for your immune system, but make sure you’re eating your damn broccoli and red, blue and purple fruits and berries (pretty sure RED WINE COUNTS, if you’re into that sort of thing), and drink a lot of water. I don’t really buy into the 12 glasses a day thing, and some experts do say the amount people need will vary. I’ve read more than once that you should drink so often that you never let yourself feel thirsty. So, there you go? Drink that much?

Thanks for being my first non-dating/relationship question asker ever! Glad to suspect your love life is probably O.K.!

Just one more, until 02/14/10

2009-02-16T00:01:00.005-05:00

It's Monday so I got some mailllllll. This message is from my friend and yours, Mary of The Mary Report.

I resent the implication that I am well-adjusted and/or satisfied with my life (har har), but really? We just ignore all this business at my house. We don't even acknowledge the day and I like it this way. The first year we were together I was all, "I'm not into Valentine's day, and we're both broke, so let's please not do anything," and he agreed. But then he got me a gift anyway! And it was a really nice gift! But then I felt awful because I didn't get him anything! Ugh!

Anyway. I'm totally going to hit the SuperStore for cheap chocolate on Sunday. Hooray! And Sorry Mom is the best ever.

Mary’s got some good sense.

Know what I did for Valentine’s Day? I shaved my legs. My live-in brought me a Kit-Kat when he got off work, because I called him and asked him to bring me one. We made bacon and eggs, had a bath, and then went to bed at 8 p.m. with a bottle of red wine. Verdict: Best V-Day of all time.

Sidenote: What is with the whole, somebody getting you something for Valentine’s day, or whatever other holiday, after you’ve both agreed to not make a big deal about it? It’s O.K., as long as he or she is like Mary's S.O. and not expecting you to surprise them, too, I guess.

Some people have gotten into real trouble believing Valentine’s Day was not going to be an issue to find their partner was expecting some kind of jewelry commercial-esque plot twist.

Exhibit A:

i made the mistake of starting something casual with a girl in late january. we were each other’s dates to a few rock shows, we had a few “slumber-parties.” i don’t know if i thought i was having a fling, but i wasn’t thinking too hard about it. i just thought we were having fun and seeing where it would go. i didn’t want to do something too big for valentine’s in case it scared her off, because we aren’t all that mush, and really we’ve only been seeing each other a few weeks, and i wouldve felt like an insincere knob. i gave her a little spiderman valentine from my nephew’s set, dropped it in her mailbox because we hadn’t made plans to see each other and i figured she’d be busy. cute, right? i guess not! she called me all, ‘wtf is this shit?’ she wanted me to come over uninvited to ‘surprise’ her (even though that’s what she was expecting? surprise? wtf, right?), and she’s pretty pissed because of what her roommates got from their boyfriends and because she stayed home by herself while they were all out doing something. now i don’t know what kind of shape we’re in. i don’t know if she hates me, i don’t know if i’m supposed to make it up to her, i don’t even know if i want to do that because if i wasn’t sure how i felt about her before i’m def not sure now. and i wonder if we’d be in this shape if only valentines hadn’t happened a few weeks after we started seeing each other. what the hell do i do now?

A kids' Spiderman valentine? That IS pretty cute, and pretty safe, and it looks like this situation called for safe. A few weeks is rarely enough time to know well enough how you feel about someone in order to make crazy declarations. You know, an insincere knob is a dangerous thing to be. People in love with being in love are just the freaking worst. Their relationships have nothing to do with the other party. They just get off on making grand gestures for other people to see –- they’re not having fun with just the person they're with, they have to have everybody else watching -- and its too bad those grand gestures fool unwitting girls and boys into believing they’re onto the real thing with someone.

This girl may in fact watch too many movies, if she doesn’t see the danger of a person who is too lovey too fast. It’s not like you did nothing, which, even given my own relaxed attitude about the 14th, I don't recommend when you're very early into a thing with somebody, unless you make sure there's nothing expected. Because there are varying stances on this stuff, you don't know if you risk hurting somebody's feelings.

Maybe you should have talked to her instead of coming up with your own solution (though I think it was pretty good). In the same breath, what about her? What did she get you for Valentine's Day? It does kind of suck that she didn't have a good night sitting at home while her roomies went out, but she could have suggested you come over or that you do something.

Maybe things would have played out differently if you had gotten together at a different time in the year. It might be telling about her character and maturity that she’s had this reaction. Maybe it’s lucky you got Valentine’s Day out of the way early, because now you’ve seen this side of her. Like I said on Friday, Valentine’s Day doesn’t really create problems, but it can identify them. In relationships, in situations, in people.

But on Valentine's Day sometimes people put pressure on themselves and their partners, crushes, what have you, to make conclusions and statements about their romantic situations, when ordinarily these thoughts and words and actions would just come about with time. The whole thing may be fixed with some talking.

Talk to her about why what you did was right for you. Tell her you didn’t want to scare her off, and tell her you didn’t want to do something you couldn’t possibly mean yet. Listen to what she has to say. Hopefully she makes sense to you, and she appreciates your logic. If you can’t make her understand that you were just doing the most genuine thing you could, and if you decide it was just some dumb-ass cinematic encounter she was looking for, good riddance.

And that does it for V.D. 2009. Tomorrow: a non-relationship question. My range of expertise is broad.

The pink and red elephant in the room

2009-02-13T00:01:00.004-05:00

So it's Friday, February 13th. Somewhat predictably, I got a ton of Valentine’s Day-related mail towards the end of this week. I don’t have room to run all of the letters, and because they also somewhat predictably bring up the same main issues, I couldn’t really pick one to use over the others.

Consensus is: people be stressin’ over a Hallmark holiday. Sure, there are the little sweetie pies who are racking their brains trying to come up with something that is enough for their treasured ones (cuuuuute), but then there are people who are going to burn down the candy store.

Some people don’t have an S.O. so they feel left out or even rage-filled. Some people are spoken for but they’re a little afraid to be disappointed. Some people are resenting the obligation to behave differently or more extravagantly tomorrow. It goes on. Whatever.

There’s a lot of anti-Valentine’s Day sentiment out there, a la “it sucks that there’s this social construction geared towards making money for corporations by making people feel bad about themselves.” Valid! I’m not going to take anybody who wants to criticize consumption and commercial manipulation to court because I am on that train like nobody’s business these days.

But, sociology and economics aside, in a purely psychological and existential sense: well-adjusted people who are satisfied in their lives don’t give a damn.

Valentine’s Day triggers an introspective sentiment in a lot of people; it doesn’t create problems, it simply draws attention to problems. Personally, I like cupcakes and chocolate and flowers and crafts and will do low key things for platonic friends and romantic partners alike if the mood strikes and I have the time and resources. But I’ve noticed that Valentine’s Day finds me a little more self-conscious than usual, and intentionally or not I’ve ended up in meditations on the nature of the relationship in the public sphere, and on my relationship in particular, if I was in one. My mood this time of year is always very telling, and I can only assume the case is the same with others. It's the definition of idiotic to resent something just because it makes you think.

If Valentine’s Day gives you a bad feeling about being single, for example, a feeling so bad that it drives you to waste energy being incredulous or very depressed about it: It’s quite possible you’re not happy about being single.

Some people are insistent. “I’m perfectly satisfied when not attached, it’s my parents/friends/coworkers/ex-lovers who make me feel worthless about it with their showing off and shit.” Well, either you’re too easily convinced to feel worthless and therefore not happy about being single, or you require too much validation from others in this area of your life, or your non-romantic relationships with or attitudes about these people need work. All of these are issues deserving of attention, and pre-existing February 14th 2009. Do something about it. Don’t blame Cupid. He’s imaginary. It's not productive.

And don’t despair. For, there is this, my paper lace and macaroni heart to you:

http://sorry-mom.com/

There is much comfort to be drawn, perspective to be gained and lessons to be learned from reading the hook-up horror stories of others. He doesn’t bring you flowers anymore? At least he’s not this guy. Dude, you think you don’t have the first clue about how to handle women? You’re probably in better shape than this guy. And so on.

And don't forget: discount chocolate next week! I can't wait.

Happy, uh, Valentine's Day... I'm sorry

2009-02-12T00:01:00.003-05:00

I am dating someone who I really care about. We have our issues as any couple does, but we are really determined to discuss them and to work towards solutions. We both aim to be as honest with each other as possible and are usually successful at that. There is something however that I have not been able to effectively express to him, and it is causing me quite a bit of emotional turmoil.
In the past, my boyfriend has had a bad habit of essentially acting almost ambivilant to my feelings. He would act surprised if I was upset when he broke longstanding plans at the last second. If I dared to complain, he would accuse me of being selfish. Now, I have been upfront with him about how both those actions made me feel, and though some soul-baring conversations, I think we have addressed the underlying issues related to his behaviour in those situations (and mine, as well).
Here is the current issue, though. Basically, I cannot shake the feeling that he is always going to let me down like that, even when he hasn't in quite a long time. If we are meeting up for coffee, and he is a few minutes late, I become convinced that he isn't coming. If he invites me to dinner, until I'm sitting across from him at the table, I am always sure that he will break the date. Valentines Day is coming up, and I'm not at all excited at the prospect of a romantic (cliched, I am aware) night, because I don't think that it will happen. I don't know how to be honest with him about these feelings, because how can you tell someone that you are pretty sure they are going to act like a dick even if they don't deserve it? History does tend to repeat itself, but I want to trust him enough that in this case it won't. I don't know how I can do that though.

It’s really funny how we can come to regard our partner as our worst enemy. We are most vulnerable to them, both because they have a certain access to our lives, and because they are our loved ones and we care so much about what they think and how they feel about us.

When the time comes for him to do something -- or a series of things -- hugely hurtful to you, this emotional power he has over you becomes apparent, and it starts to hang over your relationship like a big awful ugly… hanging… thing… and it can lead you to close yourself off and guard against hurt more and more, effectively reducing your emotional investment in the relationship until it dries up and blows away, completely bloodless.

You know that’s kind of what risks happening here, right? Besides feeling quite miserable yourself, you’re damaging your relationship by expecting the worst, and you stand to hurt it even more if you give him the impression that the strides he’s made don’t matter because you’re still not happy.

You want to know how to express this feeling to him? Here's a very unpopular stance for an advice blogger to take, what with all the honesty and openness rhetoric to be absorbed out there: you should actually button it. I think if you want to continue to see this person romantically, this feeling you have, about how you’re scared he’s going to let you down again, is not worth feeling, and therefore not worth discussing with him.

‘You are such a bitch,' some shocked person is saying out there. 'They are her feelings. How can she help what she feels?'

Well, not easily, but you know what? Anybody can feel a feeling. Just because you feel something doesn’t mean there’s anything very special or inherently right about it. She tells her boyfriend that she’s still waiting for him to let her down. Great. What does he do with that? What does he say to that?

“O.K. lovernut, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing but with this big old useless bad feeling you just gave me to make everything harder! Way to spread the pessimism you’re feeling to me! Hope it made you feel better! See you at dinner! NOT THAT YOU'RE EXPECTING ME TO MAKE IT. THANKS FOR HAVING NO FAITH IN ME.”

Back to you: as you have written here yourself, despite this unpleasant apprehension you feel saddled with, there is currently nothing for you to correct about his behaviour that has not already been corrected. If he's doing alright so far, it doesn’t help him to hear what you’ve already said, it may just hurt him and discourage him, and you don’t have any guarantee that if you tell him what you’re thinking it’ll even help you all that much. Really: Just don’t, O.K.? Not unless a) he actually screws up again and he needs another reminder of how this makes you feel, or b) you're ready to dump him. It sounds like he's doing his best so far, and that you're not planning to dump him, so it's on you now.

How do you shake the feeling? Consider this:

If he does manage to disappoint you someday down the road (and I see that you know that there is a chance he will. Lots of people want to say that life is short but from where I sit, it’s pretty long actually, and there’s no limit to the shit that can go down in this span of time), it actually will not kill you to be disappointed again. That’s life, and that's what forgiveness is for, and if he's worth anything he will not abuse the forgiveness principle.

And that's another thing: Have you forgiven him for what happened before? Do you know what it means to truly forgive? It isn't a matter of just deciding to not exact revenge on him for disservices rendered. It's deciding that his intentions are the best, and trusting that he wants to do what he says he will, and having faith that he will do what he says he will. You should not be with someone you can’t forgive.

I understand that it’s not your fault he hurt you in the first place, and you’re justified in feeling a little bit guarded after the shit time you’ve had with him in the past, but do you want to be justified, or do you want things to work out with him? If you don’t have faith in him, you don’t have much of a relationship. If you cannot let his past behaviour go and trust in his good intentions, if you cannot tolerate any more screw-ups in the future, things may be ruined between you, and you might as well go your separate ways.

Maybe that'll motivate you.

I wanna be your dog

2009-02-11T00:01:00.004-05:00

So I open up your blog and the first submission I see is about rules. No offense to the person who submitted it because I was wondering the same thing. But why are women so freaking obsessed with rules? I'm not surprised there is a book but do you think guys will actually read this shit? Not likely. Do you know what most guys do in their spare time? Something that we understand. Take hockey for example, I know what determines an offside, a penalty or a goal because its pretty well defined. When it comes to women, not so much. I only find out the rules when I break them and suffer the emotional wrath built up by all of the men who have wronged her before me (and her friends and Julia Roberts).

So how about some constructive criticism? Should I talk to women on buses or other forms of public transportation (subway, trains, airplanes)? Are drinking establishments the only places to meet women? Yoga classes sure as hell don't work. Honestly, texting doesn't fucking count as talking to me, because its just another way to avoid honesty and face to face conversation. If you cancel a date then call me on the telephone. Remember what phones use to be for? The last girl I was seeing broke up with me by email, how cool is that? I didn't have Facebook at the time so she couldn't use that I guess. What about a girl who invites me twice to her birthday party (greaser guy/pin-up doll theme) and then I go downtown looking like a sleazy Elvis and it turns out that plans changed slightly and people didn't dress up. Do you know why dogs are man's best friend, because women aren't reliable and we can communicate with dogs a hell of a lot easier and we totally get their body language. Its simple, direct and increases in urgency with time

So my point is let me in on all of these rules or give me some positive feedback...I'm only human and I don't even own a dog.

I called my mother long-distance and read your letter to her, because, like me, she enjoys a good tirade.

“RIGHT on,” she half-shouted. I heard my Dad grunt in the way he does when she startles him. “Women need to be honest and stop expecting men to guess what they’re thinking. You know those Brontë girls?”

“Charlotte, Anne and Emily,” I volunteered.

“Yeah, and that Jane Austen. Their books are good books, but women love books from that time because they miss the point, the whole social commentary thing, and they think it was such a romantic way to live in the 18th and 19th century with all the ceremony and the- I don’t think none of that is romantic.”

“No?”

“NO. The men pursued the women, and the women got married if they made the right moves in the game and got the men to make the right moves in the game, and after the wedding their lives were over. Those people didn’t die happy, don’t tell me they did.”

It’s been a while since my mother read any Jane Austen, but I think her take on the social structure of that time and any fascination people still have with it is really interesting. She feels that when people focus on rules too much, they lose sight of the end goal of the courting game – happiness with a companion – and focus instead on… points. Points for looks, points for wealth, points for social connections, points for just doing or saying the right thing at the right time. And then people end up together and they wonder why.

While she only makes generalizations when she’s keyed up about something on the telephone, Mother does suspect that women are more likely to participate in this nigglingly analytic and somewhat sadistic behaviour than men. Not because it comes naturally to them, but because she thinks it’s one of those negative gender stereotypes that some people revel in perpetuating.

People of either sex are capable of being catty, two-faced, vain, superficial, feather-brained and high-strung. Unfortunately, these traits are often thought of as female clichés, and a good deal of the people who think of them as female clichés are actually females who will actually luxuriate in this weak shit as if its part of being proudly feminine. Those females need to sit down and shut up.

BUT YOU KNOW, people of either sex are capable of being slovenly, sports-analogy-obsessed, insensitive, bullish, boorish, crude and willfully simple-minded, but those are often thought of as male clichés, and a lot of men seem to get off on displaying those behaviours and thinking how great they are at being guys.

Besides thinking you had a great point, Mom also thought you sounded a tad on the hypocritical side. We’re not saying that you’re all these bad things – we don’t even know you, and no matter what you’re really like, we both agree the girls in your anecdotes have not been giving you a fair shake; an e-mail breakup? Those coming from both women and men make me ashamed to be a human being.

But why complain that all women are alike (cruel, confusing), when you seem to represent yourself as the typical guy? By making these divisions between men and women and by perpetuating the stereotype of the impatient, woman-confounded man, you might be part of the problem. Maybe you’re even attracting classic female crazy because you’re giving off classic male mystified. That might just be something to think about.

What can you do, though, in the meantime? Pointers, eh? It’s going to depend on what you’re looking for. I’m not sure what that is, but I’ll do my best.

People always say ‘be yourself,’ and we often think it’s because they want us to have good self-esteem and not get stuck in weird teen-sitcom-like personas. I think you need to bear in mind that if you’re not yourself, you actually risk looking dishonest, untrustworthy, mildly evil, or worst of all, desperate.

You must know that some women feel weird about being out and out hit on by strangers, because it’s hard to look and sound genuine when you are feeding somebody a line. They might be thinking stuff like, ‘Who are you? What are you trying to get out of me?’ and they might get the urge to mangle your ego and crush your soul because how dare you come sniffin’ ‘round here ya betta MIIIIIIIIIND YO BUSINESS- (ahem).

Not all of us are so distrustful, and not all of us are looking for something all that pure, but you can’t always tell what anybody is looking for at first sight – this is not women being complicated, this is women being diverse, just as men are diverse. And so, a man who is actually good at flirting doesn’t necessarily know a lot of clever things to say or all the right places to go.

Basically, he’s a genuine guy who knows he can get by by just communicating what is on his mind: thinking that he'd like to kiss a girl and then smiling at her as if he'd like to kiss her, because he knows, as a genuine guy, he can’t make a woman feel manipulated or preyed upon by acting how he's feeling, and that's good because she might not be into being manipulated or preyed upon.

And buddy: if you find that feeling what you're feeling and letting it show on your face and in your actions isn’t working for you, then maybe you need to take a good hard look at what’s on your mind. Maybe women can tell that you just want a dog.

And everybody: call your mother.

Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

2009-02-10T00:01:00.012-05:00

I am the most cynical human being on the face of this Earth. I suffer from clinical depression, and with the weather right now, I'm not the happiest camper.

I am currently dating the prettiest, happiest, most positive girl in the world, and I'm finding it hard to keep up. In such a short time (more than two months) we have fallen completely in love with one another. The problem is that she is in Vancouver, and I am here in New Brunswick; two opposite sides of the country. She will not be back living in my city (which is where she's originally from) until the summer.

The loneliness is really getting to me, waiting for her to come home from fashion school. This makes me a very unpleasant person to talk to, and my social life is confined to Facebook and my apartment as I find that nothing is really fun without her. I am a big grumpy mess, and recently, I've been finding that I have been taking it out on her a lot as she is the only one I really talk to anymore. I get angry when she doesn't show up on time for Skype dates. I get jealous when she tells me how much fun she is having on her weekends.

She is bright, intelligent, funny, comes from a wealthy family, and is going to a good school that costs a lot of money. Now, I know that money and stuff doesn't mean anything to her when it comes to our relationship NOW since we are so young (21 and 25), but I am a university drop out from a lower-middle class family, living paycheck to paycheck, trying to fight off a couple grand in debt, constantly worrying if I'll ever bounce back.

She is incredible, and I do not want to bring her down into my shit hole. The more I think about how I might be bumming her out with my depression when she has no reason to be, I start to feel insecure and that I don't deserve her or that I will only let her down in the end.

How can someone like me with so much love in their heart for a special person like her get over his own insecurities and unhappiness to make the one he loves happy? I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.

Thanks.

Ugh, my heart. You seem like a very sweet, repentant person, and I’ve been in a few long-distance relationships myself, so my shoulders drooped in a special way when I read your letter. Your life, as a long-distance lover, is one of insane highs and miserable lows. You might have lots of people telling you long-distance is a crock. It's true that mine were miserable, and that none of them worked out, but those guys just weren't for me -- I can't blame the long-distance, seeing as I'm happier without them (though I may have been able to tell they weren't right for me if I'd been seeing them more often). Most of the cons people cite about long-distance relationships are reasons to avoid them when you can, not dissolve ones that are already in progress. Anyway, I'm actually not going to discourage you, there.

Lots of people feel like their partner is the best thing they have going on, but it’s that much worse when you’re actually having bad times in other areas of your life, and even worse when you don’t even have your significant other around. Add something like clinical depression to the mix, and it’s hard to have perspective on your life.

You want to be good for her -- happy, successful (whatever your definition of that is) and not unkind to her like you risk when you’re frustrated about Skype commitments and her social life -- and you want to be not miserable for yourself. One of Oprah’s friends once said ‘you need to be a whole before you can be part of a couple.’ The main thing, maybe the obvious thing, is take care of yourself.

About stuff like finances: All you can do is work as hard as you can, and the pay-off happens when it happens. You need to really accept you’re doing the best you can, for your own good, because you don’t help anybody by worrying. What you can dwell on, though, is how to work on yourself. Not just to be an impressive handsome guy, but to feel good, most important of all.

Everybody says ‘get counseling.’ I say that too, of course, if it’s possible for you. If you’re in school and you’re not happy, milk counseling services for all they’re worth while you can. A lot of employers, especially the major ones, offer programs that people can access mental health practitioners through, too. Speak to your family doctor about your situation, and they might have some options for you as well.

But above and beyond that: Are you eating well? Vitamin D is crucial when it comes to mood, especially this time of year, so if you can pick up a bottle of supplements and a fish filet to steam every now and then (if you eat fish), that will make a world of difference. You also get vitamin D from the sun, so you need to get outside where you can see the light for a few minutes any time it comes out from behind the February clouds.

Are you exercising? I would actually advise against joining a gym unless you know you’ll go there. Attaching the whole commuting element, besides the financial one that comes with having a gym membership, makes it easier to not exercise. Take walks in the cold air with a big bottle of water. I know a guy who takes a sheet, fills it with dirty laundry, ties it to his ceiling, and punches at it for an hour before he goes to bed at night. Push-ups? Serotonin, you guys. Serotonin makes exercise so good for depression (and exercise passes the time like gangbusters).

How are you sleeping? Sometimes going to bed late and waking up late really affects your mood and outlook. If you don’t have a work (or Skype) schedule that makes it impossible, even if you don’t have to get up until later, try getting up around 9 a.m. every day. That one’s just a thought. It does work for me, I have to say.

What really makes me sit up and take notice here, though, are your last few lines:

I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.

You said a little further up in your letter that going out doesn’t really interest you and you’re not much fun to be around anyway, because everything pales in comparison to time spent with her, but it also seems like somewhere in your heart you’re a little afraid something could happen out there that might jeopardize things with Ladybug. Someone else might say, ‘well you don’t love her enough, if you think you’ll cheat if you try to go out and have some fun.’ That isn’t what I would say, though.

I wonder if, on some level, maybe subconsciously, in an effort to keep from making mistakes you made before, you’re doing the opposite of what you would usually do because you are just that determined where this girl is concerned. You say you're cynical, but I bet you were a pretty social person despite that (otherwise it's a little harder to be unfaithful), and while you may have had some important romantic relationships, they maybe took more of a back seat to having fun. There’s nothing wrong with that, until you want to be very serious about someone. However, when that time comes, you can’t let your relationship become the thing in your life. You have just got to find more stuff to do and think about, like she has done, otherwise you really risk making her crazy.

This may be something to consider: What has sex meant to you in the past? There are some people who just really like it a lot, but there are scads of people who are addicted to the validation that comes from it. A lot of people in committed, monogamous, but long-distance relationships feel worthless when they’re not getting any (a lot of people in committed, monogamous local relationships feel worthless when they’re only getting it from one person, I might add). When they hit that low, they forget all about who they love, and it doesn’t come back to them until regret sets in. That’s not an excuse, by any means, but if you find that this could be you, it’s a new way to think about and try to make sense of your past behaviour. Time spent considering that could help you find the key to a fulfilling social life while she’s away, and it’ll most definitely benefit your future with her.

Regardless of whether I'm right or not here, bear in mind: Spring, and the end of the school year, is coming soon.

Guest columnists!

2009-02-09T12:01:00.007-05:00

Oh hey! I’ve heard from some people who want to lend their $0.02 to what we discussed last week here at TSW. I say: wicked.

First, we have someone weighing in on Thursday’s child, who was having some difficulty with his girlfriend’s online conduct, or rather, the online conduct of others towards her and her handling of it:

I would have to say that the girl I am currently seeing is by far one of the most beautiful women on this planet. She gets a lot of attention whenever we go out and online, especially on her Face Book. I, too, have to read through plenty of off-kilter, uncalled for, disrespectful and perverted comments directed at her on her Face Book (some of them from boys proclaiming their love!), and it does stir up a lot of bad feelings. The jealousy comes from the fact that she is not saying "Hey man, back off" and just lets these assholes objectify her without thinking how it might make me feel, and the anger comes from some douche bag who doesn't respect me, her, or our relationship which, thanks to FB statuses, is very much public.

I would suggest asking her nicely to tell these dead beats to... uhh... beat it. Let her know how much it bothers you, especially on a public forum where it can make you look like the push-over. Or do what I do; acknowledge that that shit is going on and make a similar wall post to shut him up. What can I say, I'm a vindictive dude! I have only been with my girl for about 2 months, but it is really intense and if it means talking to her about it or dissing some "bro" on her wall in public to save the relationship, I say then so be it!

*Shrug* Well put, stranger! It’s a slightly more confrontational approach, but at the core I agree: he’s more than O.K. to say something about it. You also raise a good point, and I don’t know if I had made this clear: these things can put a strain on the dynamic between a couple. I don’t know if it’s a matter of saving the relationship, but it’s better to act (rationally!) than to let resentment well up inside of you.

On Friday, somebody wrote in with some timely questions concerning the latest relationship philosophy phenomenon, He’s Just Not That Into You, namely: Do I really wait for the guy I like to approach me, and how can I show him I’m interested?

One lady kind of disagreed with me… I think:

If a guy really likes you, he WILL ask you out. NO MATTER WHAT.
If a guy might like you, but thinks you won't go out with him and therefore doesn't pursue you...that is because he is letting his own negative self esteem TRUMP his feelings for you and his ability to ask you out. Of course, it doesn't mean that he's "not that into you" but it DOES mean that "he's not that into you" if he has to risk actually asking you out. I know this probably doesn't make sense because you are thinking "but if he likes me, and i like him, then we should go out!" but the thing is that we, as females, go through the same thing...but if we REALLY REALLY REALLY liked a guy...we would let them know. and it is not a big deal to us. (or maybe it is, but we get over it and ask them out.)

If a guy isn't willing to do the same, then he's not THAT into you. He's into you...but not THAT into you. If a guy were really into you the way he SHOULD BE INTO YOU, then he would ask you because life would not be worth living if he didn't have the chance to get to know you better.

Furthermore, guys pursue girls that don't like them and are VERY CLEAR that they don't like them all the time....and guys never get the hint! Conversely, girls always pursue guys that don't really like them....they read into every little act and gesture and then ascribe a heightened sense or meaning to it that isn't really there... For example: "OMG, he sat next to me in class, he's GOT to like me!!!" "Actually...he sat next to you because it was the last open seat in class....wake up?!"

All I'm saying is that a guy doesn't need to know you're into him to ask you out. He will ask you out because he likes you PERIOD. After all, we aren't in junior high anymore. People don't go around telling other people "Hey....So-and-So likes you so you should ask them out." We all know how those relationships worked....they lasted for what?? A day? Maybe 2 weeks at the most....

I’m sorry if it came across like I was encouraging our letter writer to get her friends to set her up with her crush like it’s recess at Degrassi in 1987. By asking if she and he had mutual friends, I just meant that if they did, it’s an indication of how close they are socially and how much time she’s already spending with him. When you’re hanging out with the same people, it’s a start!

But know what I remember about junior high? Everybody tended to become absolutely smitten with others while actually understanding or even knowing very little about them as people. When it became apparent that you liked someone, if they liked you back, you were boyfriend and girlfriend. There was absolutely no building action. It was a simple time.

But it wasn’t a great time. You were up and down, hot and cold. Nobody really thought much about romance, but nobody was the least bit casual about it either. Thank God for adulthood, when dating became about testing the waters and just seeing how you felt and opening your heart to possibilities you wouldn’t have considered when you were a Backstreet Boys fan.

Thank God we learned that feelings can grow over time and that we don’t have to wait for someone we REALLY, REALLY-REALLY are THAT into to come along before we, you know, imbibe (don't lead people on when you know they aren't it for you, or when you know they want something very serious immediately and you're not ready, but otherwise give them a whirl is all I'm saying).

And thank God it’s not necessarily a waste of time to see someone you’re not obsessed with, because that someone might surprise us.

Thank God that we don’t have to lament if a person isn’t as taken with us as we are with them, because maybe the case is they just don’t know you well enough yet.

Thank God it’s a two-way street, too, and men can be just as open as women, and women can be just as proactive as men. Isn’t it great to be an adult?

What you say definitely makes lots of sense; I'm not sure we're disagreeing so much as you're just fleshing out what the book says. I already understood: if someone really REALLY likes somebody, like a LOT, they won’t let their shyness get in the way of something they really KNOW will make them happy.

… Probably. I mean, I could see it.

But while perfectly good men who end up miserable (either alone, or with the wrong person) because they never get the courage to approach anybody they were REALLY, TRULY, VERY MUCH into, are not the norm, they do exist. And I think we can give human beings too much credit – a lot of people, some of them man-people, are pretty passive and easy-going, and just are never that certain about anybody, or even come to consider anybody, until that anybody says, in the words of Abba, “take a chance on me.” Maybe that’s not attractive to some women, maybe that’s not enough for you, maybe you want somebody who will feel very strongly about you from the beginning, but some of us are, I don’t know, disillusioned?

It’s true, and I didn’t think to make the aside: some guys don’t necessarily need to be encouraged. Some really don’t take a hint! But you know that kind of conviction is not something that can happen to every person concerning a person they aren’t already seeing. And, I’ll just put it out there: the likelihood of a man or woman feeling that type of unrelenting conviction increases if they’re mentally unbalanced. Just because Ol’ Crazy will chase the pants off you doesn’t mean Big Sexy will.

I got another reply to this letter:

So, writing as a man, I'd like to say that the book you're talking about is horseshit.

Okay, maybe that's being a bit presumptuous. I haven't read the book, but after seeing what was here I did a wee bit of research. The authors of this book are people who work on (awful) television shows and comedy routines, so I'm not sure why we should be taking them as authorities on the male psyche to begin with, but I digress. Everything I've seen suggests that the book implies a farcical overgeneralization of all men: we think in simple yes/no dichotomies and our only mating strategy is to pursue a woman at all times, at all costs. If it's not clear by my tone already: this is blatantly false.

Men can be every bit as complicated as women when it comes to how we think about relationships. We often have just as many emotional hangups and anxieties when it comes to this sort of thing as women do. And I suppose that's what bothers me the most: As M. aptly notes, this book upholds outdated gender stereotypes which, most of the time, only serve to fuck up our relationship problems even further.

And then another guy summed up:

I have a real problem with "love manuals" or what have you that try and tell us how EVERY SINGLE MAN/WOMAN behaves. Everybody is different and shows their love in different ways, and everybody wants to be treated different kinds of ways.

That pretty much hits the nail on the head, for me. Like I said on Friday, you have to make some allowances for the fact that there are different types of people.

If our letter-writer wants to let the dude be the one to make a move, I did support that. Like I said, the book does have a good point, that philosophy about the guy coming to the girl may stand a good chance of being right, statistically. But I do think that if she wants to try to increase her chances or be proactive, if it’s right for her, she can be a little aggressive, even if it’s just something as simple as making herself more familiar and visible. Her own intuition and style seems to be telling her that there are some aspects of a book (which she found useful, otherwise) she can’t really get behind, and I think, all things considered, she might as well go with that.

She's Just Not That Into Waiting For You

2009-02-06T18:04:00.009-05:00

Do you believe the whole. "He's just not that into you?" Sure, when he's not calling, or blowing you off a bunch for his friends or doesn't call when he says he will, i get it. he's probably not that into you and we make excuses for people all the time. I was in the relationship of this kind and wish i had the book then.

I have a hard time believing that when they say (in the book), "If a guy really likes you, he will ask you out. No matter what."
That's fine and all, but how do you let a guy know that you are even interested? The book says that if he likes me, he will ask me out. Do I wait forever for this guy to work up the courage to ask me out or should i let him know i'm into him?And if so, how do i go about doing this?
The books idea is, if he's not asking you out, he's probably just not that into you. Do I move on?

Help!

Sometime after He’s Just Not That Into You came out in book form, I was somewhere on the more positive side of indifferent about it. I skimmed it at the bookstore and noted the realistic tone and the message that you detail in your first paragraph, there, about how not calling and blow-offs equal disinterest. 'NICE, RIGHT ON,' I thought, and then sauntered off for an appointment with a guy I would confront and then break up with a little while later, after I’d forgotten about the book, for, you know, not calling and blowing me off.

But you know what? It turns out he wasn’t actually disinterested. He was just jerking me around because he thought if he looked disinterested, it would make me all the more interested. Too bad that that works sometimes, eh? Some women find nothing more attractive than a man who pays her absolutely no mind and some men know the Hell out of that one and try to base some moves on it. Does the book raise that possibility? No calls + avoidance = disinterested OR passive-aggressive? Not that you’d want passive-aggressive either; Regardless of the reasons it may or may not cite, HJNTIY encourages us to avoid wasting ourselves on people who don’t call and don’t try to see us, and that’s probably good enough. I’d say, call on that behaviour once, but not twice if you can help it and definitely not three times.

So while the book can be helpful (that is, if you’re not the type of lady who will actually just get sick of that treatment and cut him loose, no questions asked), maybe it can’t have everything right, as you seem to have detected. Case in point, this whole asking-out business.

As a straight woman, I like being asked out by men, but I am mega uncomfortable with the idea that I risk being turned down more often when I do the same because if a man was actually attracted to me he would have approached me already. I think this concept reinforces some negative things about traditional gender roles. It encourages men to be forward, it encourages women to be passive, and cute timid men and sexy confident women are just… wrong?

True, some men are like what the book says (though I suspect more men were like that in, uh, the ‘50s). But you’ve got to leave room for the boy who goes after what he wants, but takes a while to realize what that is. And for the boy who seems outgoing and go-getting but is kind of a baby about other things – a man can fear rejection just as much as a woman can, thanks. And for the boy who would make a great companion if he could only make eye contact with you.

So I'm all for the confrontational 'LET'S DATE' from women to men, but it doesn't seemlike you are there yet. How to proceed?

Let's assume for the sake of direction that he's just not considering you. Yet. Because I wouldn't encourage you to pursue someone who clearly has no interest in you, and just in case he isn't secretly in love with you.

Too many people get discouraged because the person they have a crush on doesn't magically feel exactly the same way about them. If he's not considering you yet, it's possible to win him over. Think about the following: What is your connection to him? Where is he in your life? Do you have regular contact? Do you have any mutual friends? Use your answers to these questions to determine how you can become more familiar. Say hi. Smile. Make conversation, even if you have to sit down and think for a while about things you could talk about (don't overthink it, but it never hurts to be prepared). Organize group things you may invite him to as a platonic friend (that means no pressure on either of you) so he can see what you're like with others and so you can just be with him more often. The more you see each other, the more organically things can happen. Maybe you'll reach a point where he'll make a move. Maybe you'll get comfortable enough to make a move.

And if he won’t cooperate, let him go and be as unattainable to you as he pleases. You might be better off.

Facebook flirtations: flip, foolish, flaying? Flapjacks! Fiddlesticks! etc.

2009-02-05T22:42:00.009-05:00

hey. I’m a guy in a new pretty new relationship (2 months) and my girlfriend has lots of other guy friends. Most of them have known her longer than I have. I’m not a jealous person in the first place, but I’m especially careful because I know how much her guy friends mean to her. I know what happens when a guys friends don’t like his girlfriend, so I try to be extra cool about it, and I actually get along really well with a lot of them.

But I’m starting to have a problem with this one who leaves these comments on her facebook all the time. He says rather perverted stuff to her about her that I wouldn’t feel comfortable plastering on the internet, and I’m her boyfriend. She laughs and writes back stuff like “lol”. I know she doesn’t like him that way and nothing is going to happen, but it still gets to me. I’m a little scared to say anything because I don’t want to look jealous, but I feel like punching something whenever I read that shit. What can I do about it that won’t make me look jealous?

Your letter strikes a real chord with me, as a student of life. I’ve seen a lot of people do exactly what you’re afraid of doing, and people who act like bitches because they’re afraid someone is better than them are pretty pathetic. I know personally I'm hyper-conscious of any feeling I have that could be taken for jealousy, and about what those feelings are making me do and say. If I suspect I’m jealous of someone, I think about it a good long time and try to figure out what that person makes me hate about myself.

HOWEVER, being annoyed with the lack of respect people are showing your relationship is not really the same thing as being jealous. You for example, uh, know you’re hot, I guess, and you don’t seem all that concerned that something happened, is happening or will happen between your girlfriend and this ‘charmer’ (perverted, eh?). Sounds like it’s not just on you that you feel this way, sounds to me like you're quite justified in being irritated, sounds to me there is some degree of inappropriate behaviour going on here.

If he's aware that your girlfriend is in a committed relationship (that is, if you’d both consider the relationship to be committed. Two months is nothing to sneeze at, but it’s not, you know, three months, or six months, or a year) he's either not at all considering what his comments could look like to anybody, especially you, and that's pretty dumb, or he knows exactly what they look like, and that makes him a dickhead, annnd I'm a little pissed on your behalf.

And, regardless of his awareness or intent, if she allows it to happen -- not discouraging it when it does happen, or creating and perpetuating a situation in which it happens in the first place -- she risks sending one of or many several potentially bad messages to you. That she doesn't care about your feelings, that she doesn't like to make it clear to others that you are the only one for her, that she doesn't get the nuances of being in a relationship with you. The horrific possibilities are endless.

In my (HIGHLY SPECULATIVE) brain, it's most likely that she feels weird about correcting the unsophisticated social networking website behaviour of others. I guess I'm not clear on her attitude towards this pathetic flirtation – ‘lol’ is a bit of tired acronym nowadays – but based on the little that I know here, this guy could be a socially disabled acquaintance from her past and she's just ignoring an embarrassing, uncomfortable situation. Who hasn’t thrown away a ‘lol’ on something that didn’t really deserve it while under pressure to not look impolite in the heartbreaking world of Facebook?

Shouldn't it not matter what others think? Shouldn't the most important thing be how he treats you when you're alone? A relationship shouldn't be for show? UH WELL most of us don't date in a vacuum, and the common romantic relationship is in huge part conducted in the minds of others. There are lots of people who don't like mushiness or public displays of affection, there are lots of people who don't need their partners to demonstrate their feelings for the benefit of the outside world… but if this is not you, it is not you, and it's understandable because I'm relatively certain it is not most of us.

You’re well within your rights to want to talk with her about this, and that’s what I’m telling you to do. If you're willing to believe she might not be encouraging Turd Ferguson’s behaviour or liking it for a suspect reason, make that clear to her, because you don't want to risk being dismissed as ‘just jealous.’ If it's possible she just doesn't know or just doesn't yet understand how you feel about such things, give her the benefit of the doubt and explain that you’re kind of offended by this guy’s apparent lack of regard for you and your relationship with her. Just let her know how you feel and what’s behind it, and don’t demand anything. There’s offended, there’s jealous, and then there’s unbalanced. Just be your apparently self-aware and considerate self.

I know you are not a liar, but you need to be more honest

2009-02-04T21:53:00.011-05:00

(Note: This message has been abridged to protect the identity of the writer)

I've written to advice columnists and never gotten a response, so I figure try this thing out.

How does one let go of the past and learn to love themselves? I've tried the whole psychotherapy route, found it not worked, and I have many life hurts that I have never shared with anyone, even my life partner. I don't know how to open up fully. I am always on guard, never letting anyone fully know who I am. My life partner has come the closest to knowing me fully.

I have nightmares of the past, scattered flashbacks. It has been about a decade now, when will I get over it. I know my partner tries to get to know this part of me, but I am scared to let him know this.

I just want to forgive and forget. I'm under the treatment of a doctor to try to get me to be able to actually relax. I'm always on guard to protect myself. Sometimes I wonder if I am ruined for life.

I was raped when I was 18 when I was on a date. I showered for days, scrubbing until my skin almost bled. I went through an alcoholic phase to numb everything. It was my first time ever having sex, and sadly something I will always semi remember.

I got in a relationship almost as soon as I hit univeristy, as I thought it would give me some protection. It was a bad relationship to be in, I couldn't relax, I told him about the rape, and he didn't believe me.

I am not the person I used to be, and I don't think I am living up to my full potential. I don't know how to get at that. I don't sleep, and when I do, I wake my partner up screaming. I go through long stretches of feeling worthless and as if I live with a demon inside of me. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to let someone else in.

Well, there is nothing about this note that is not completely heartrending. I’m struck right now by just how ugly life can be sometimes.

I promise your struggle is not insurmountable, but it is, you know, a pretty big deal: don’t be too discouraged just because you’re not over it after only ten years. Whoever said ‘time heals all wounds’ was a total douche in this respect. Don’t worry that it’s taking a long time.

Wow, your ex-boyfriend was a real tool. How do you tell someone who says they’ve been raped that you don’t believe them? How do you even say that? I can’t come close to imagining how that conversation went.

However, I’ve noticed there’s a disturbing amount of people who are likely to respond to a confession like yours with disbelief. We can chalk this up to a few things, and personal shittiness is only one of them.

First, there are indeed people out there who will lie for attention. Chances are, if any of you reading are willing to lie about being raped just to garner sympathy, you already have a problem worth sympathy, so I will take this opportunity to suggest you run with that, instead of sabotaging the attempts of those who want to reach out for help and support after having been through a sexual assault.

Tragically, people who have actually been raped are likely more common than those who will just lie about it. I actually can understand a person not wanting to believe the statistics because they are just that staggering, but I’m pretty confident in the people at the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). Their website is one hell of a buzzkill in this regard. According to that link, one in six women and one in 33 men are sexually assaulted at some point in their lives, while only five per cent of rapists ever see a prison cell.

Part of the experience of sexual assault is a sense of shame and fault. That alone would lead you to want to bear the burden of this on your own – then, when you got up the courage to actually say something, someone rewarded you with a big kick in the heart. You had reason to want to keep this to yourself, and then you had an experience that reinforced that impulse.

This impulse is a problem in itself, and it has the built-in ability to hijack your attempts to deal with it. You say therapy failed you -- and I’m willing to believe that there are people in every field who are just bad at their jobs -- but even if you were dealing with someone competent, how could it have worked for you when you have to meet the mental health practitioners halfway and be totally, completely open, and you haven't felt capable of that?

What do you think ‘letting go’ is? I’m pretty sure it’s not just deciding to forget about it and hoping that that happens for you. What do you think real forgiveness entails? I’m pretty sure it’s not as simple as just wanting bad feelings to go away.

There might be people out there who could keep it all in and will themselves to be content, but I’m pretty sure that’s not most of us, and I think you know it isn’t you. It sounds like a tall order, and you’ve already made a huge step in writing to me like this, but I don’t think the real change can come until you are 100 per cent real with someone in your life who can give you some real support.

In fact, I believe if you don’t do that, you’ll drown, and if I were you, I’d grab someone by the ears and scream everything into their nostrils. If you don’t think your spouse or any other non-professional you know can handle this yet – the information, I mean… you might not choose my particular somewhat violent approach – you’re going to have to get back into counseling. I can't give you any guarantees, but do this one thing, lay it all on just one sane person, and you never know. The rest may just become apparent.

Reunited? Will it feel so good?

2009-02-04T09:39:00.021-05:00

I broek up with my boyfriend and we've decided to become friends with the intention of dating again soon. When we're together, it's the most beautiful thing ever. When we're apart I see all kind of flaws and problems. Lately he's been giving me the impression that he might not want to date again and that I'm a tramp, yet continues to tell me he loves me and wants to be with me forever. Should I wait for him or move on?

I wonder why you first broke up. I wonder what you could tell me about what’s good about him (without identifying him). I wonder what kind of problems you perceive in him or your dynamic once you get some distance between you. I wonder what he does or says that gives you the impression that he’s going to back out and that he might think you’re a tramp. I wonder what ‘tramp’ means in this context, because people have, you know, varying ideas about it. I remember when it meant boxcar-travelin' hobo, for example. What’s ‘trampy’ to this guy? It could be anything from being too homeless or liking trains a lot to paying lots of attention to other people (but technically, you’re not together, right?) or being intimate with strangers for money or favours. But I can gather that whatever it is to him, it’s negative. What could you be doing to lead anybody who says he loves you and wants to be with you forever to give the occasional impression he sees you as a ‘tramp’ in the non-vagrant sense? Is he being fair?

I guess what I’m leading up to here is a big fat “I could be wrong.” No offense, I get the need to protect your identity and that of your boyfriend, but I’m kind of forced to make some assumptions here.

It could be very positive that you have this history with each other, having dated once before and then managing to be friends after your breakup. Being friends after is really hard, you guys, and when it happens it’s either a matter of huge strength of character on the part of one or both of you, or a lasting (sometimes completely platonic, but also sometimes possibly WILDLY ROMANTIC) connection. And, you know, I’ve heard lots of stories about my parents and my friends’ parents breaking up and then getting back together and everything working out in the end. Having a breakup in your mutual past can kind of strengthen your relationship’s cred, right? Yeah!

But it could also set a precedent, making you one of those annoying couples who are always on again, off again. There are lots of reasons that vicious cycles like those get their beginnings. Maybe one or both parties of the couple are afraid of change and tend to slip back into unsatisfying arrangements and destructive patterns of behaviour because they’re comfortable, and the old situation feels a lot like ‘the most beautiful thing ever’ in contrast to being alone. Maybe one doesn’t want to be single while the other one finds someone else. Maybe one is afraid that the other won’t be happy without them – or, as I’ve also seen in the past, one does not want to be responsible for making the other one unhappy, and that’s a deceptively selfish motivation, right there. Maybe a person doesn’t want to make the other person feel sad and lonely, but mainly because that will make the first person feel guilty and the first person doesn’t want to feel guilty.

Let me reiterate: annoying. On-and-off is super annoying, especially when it’s also up-and-down. Some people think they’re just having a fiery love affair and they fight and break up and make up so often because their love is just so volatile and spicy and other adjectives also related to indigestion. I’ve lived downstairs from enough couples who throw T.V.s out their windows to know that this makes me want to puke. At the end of the day, people should not be taking too much pleasure in how dramatic they can get with a partner. It’s toxic, it’s bad for your soul, and I need my rest, so please move to opposite ends of the earth. Or just, away from me. I’m trying to write some advice here. For crying out loud.

I digress a little. Love does not run hot and cold, not at this stage. Of course, people in committed long term relationships don’t always feel super in love with each other, but this is not the best foot on which to start or even resume a relationship. It would be different if you were married people on a trial separation, where you’re apart and there’s considerably more pressure to patch things up. I get the feeling that this is not do-or-die.

That you sometimes change your mind about him when you get some perspective does not necessarily mean you can’t love this person, but it could very well mean that you’re not in love with him at this time in your life. Does this mean you shouldn’t get back together? It depends on what you want for yourself right now. I also don’t know how old you are, so I don't have an indication of whether you’re concerned about a potentially inconsequential relationship getting in the way of a potentially really important one that may be on the way. Your involvement with this guy may be scaring off someone really hot and fascinating.

That he’s kind of inconsistent with you is actually alarming to me, though. If he’s capable of giving you these negative signals, and especially if he is actually in his own mind feeling this negativity towards you sometimes, maybe it's irresponsible for him to be making declarations of undying love to you. He might be a little immature.

So, I guess, in summary: There’s the breaking up couple that can’t stay away from each other, and there’s the breaking up couple that can’t get away from each other, and you don’t want to be the latter. If you’re willing to entertain the possibility of moving on, there’s nothing wrong with that, and you should probably do it.javascript:void(0)

Confidential to the Bitter Barista

2009-02-03T22:03:00.006-05:00

Goldfish grow according to the space allotted them. If you put a goldfish in a bowl, he'll be pretty small. If you put him in a big tank, he'll get big. The point is, relative to the size of the container, though he's likely the biggest thing in there, you have still not seen the ocean.

Many shopping addictions find their roots in a habitual lack of perspective, either a lack of awareness or a disregard for something like this goldfish equation. Some people go to like, Northumberland Mall, and find that the most interesting store in there is, like, Smart Set. Maybe you've been to other stores, but in the moment that you've chosen to spend at Northumberland Mall, the only store you can think of is Smart Set, because it's right in front of you and it's the least offensive thing there. So you spend all your money on stuff from Smart Set. A few months later you go to Toronto and find the damn Eaton Centre and you could tear your hair out over all the overpriced polyester shit you bought in Miramichi.

This same lack of perspective is often to blame for some of the more ludicrous relationships people find themselves in. Some men find that they become pussy magnets simply for being the least offensive-looking guys in a community, workplace, or english class. Women who pursue them may be guilty of over-compartmentalizing their lives, to either be dumped in favour of the guy continuing his tour of the tank, or to wake up one day and realize: "My perception is being influenced by the confines of a particular social construct. There are better men in other places. I've seen them! By mistake! On my way to the places I always go!"

In summary, don't mourn the children you never had with the guy who is simply the best looking and least homosexual man at the bloody Starbucks you work in. Get out more, and not just to find somebody, but to see what else exists. And make sure you're choosing people who are not just better than what else you've seen because that is often not enough.

2009-02-03T15:55:00.010-05:00

Somebody said, “great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.” Even before I’d heard that expression, I was always a little ashamed of my interest in people.

What many tend to dismiss as ‘gossip’ or unsophisticated navel-gazing has been instrumental in me coming to understand anything about the world. I actually don’t enjoy tearing particular people up, or having dirt on others. I don’t want to give a bad feeling to anybody... unless it's good for them. Talking about people and using them to learn and discerning right from wrong in every day situations through dialogue with a third party is only good sense.

I used to think I was a gossip. As it turns out, I don’t care who you are. I want to hear your problems, your complaints about (unidentified) people, and what you're having trouble deciding about. Then I want you to listen to what I have to say about it.

Write me at ugh.what@gmail.com, or leave an anonymous comment on any post. I be screenin' u.