In the last year or so, my wife has become very uninterested in sex. In the last six months we have had intercourse once and no additional play at all. I have tried both initiating and not initiating for a while and seeing if she would. I have been romantic, brought her flowers, made her dinner, bought great wine on valentines day and still nothing. When I try to initiate she either brushes it off as her being tired or "stop being silly, we have stuff to do". I am confident she loves me and is not being unfaithful, she is loving and attentive in every other aspect of our relationship.
I love her and I would never leave or be unfaithful but I am getting to the point where I almost want to stop trying to be sexual.
Thanks in advance.
No fair. Sorry to be unromantic, but: when you married this woman, I think she agreed to have regular sex with you for the rest of her natural life. Marriage is serious business and one thing we can lose sight of is the fact that she kind of owes you.
It's a little more complicated than that, of course. "No fair" will not change the fact that she doesn't seem to want to. Sex out of obligation is only attractive to a percentage of men and women. So:
Of the 142 words you've written here, “We have stuff to do,” speaks the most to me. At the risk of sounding like less the femme fatale you should all be assuming that I am: I have been where your wife now stands. And, at the risk of sounding like a generalization-making, self-loathing woman: a lot of us can't do sex when we feel like the rest of our world is in shambles. Does your wife have a stressful job? Is she fighting with family members? Do you have kids who wet the bed? Is the house a pig sty? Are you having money troubles? I'm pretty sure the recession is killing hornies all over the world right now, for example. If you can't identify any problems like these, maybe there's something on her mind that she's not telling you. Take stress and add secrets and you've got the perfect conditions for a nasty case of the frigidity.
I don't mean for you to become suspicious of her. A secret doesn't have to be sinister or sordid -- it could just be something embarrassing that has very little to do with you, for example.
What I do mean is for you to pay attention for the next little while to anything that could be getting her panties in a twist, in the bad way. Though it may sound somewhat unsexy, maybe instead of buying flowers and making dinner, you need to do the laundry or wash the dishes or do your taxes. Supplement any increased domestic-flavoured sensitivity with plenty of non-sexual affection, just so she understands that you're not putting pressure on her. Sometimes women remember how great sex is when it happens 'by mistake,' i.e., when they find themselves surprised to be wanting it.
If no room for improvement becomes apparent to you, strike up a conversation. Not, “why don't we have sex anymore?” Something more like, “is everything O.K., my sweet? Anything stressing you out?”
One of the few good habits I have is asking my loved ones every now and then, “so what's on your mind lately?” I do it regardless of whether I notice anything different about their mood or behaviour, because I'm really curious and I really enjoy talking and I'm especially curious about the fantastic people I've managed to surround myself with. I also know what can go on beyond the surface without anybody knowing. If you're married to this woman, you probably find her fascinating! Why not ask to hear all the weird things in her brain, whenever you want to, just because you can?
Friday, April 17, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
No April foolin' ... here's a letter.
my boyfriend, who is an american living in canada for school, is leaving at the end of this year after he graduates. We've been together about 6 months now and for the first time i can actually say that i am in love. the unfortunate nature of the matter however is that there are no ifs ands of buts about his decision to leave.
every time i bring up his "moving home" he gets irritated and doesn't really want to talk about it. he is leaving, that's it. when i try to express my apprehension about our future he listens and then gives me the silent treatment.
the most irritating part of this problem is that i have no idea whether i make any difference in his decision. of course i don't want to hold him back from anything (he genuinely hates the city we are living in despite having numerous friends ) but i can't help but worry that i am investing too much of myself in a relationship that could potentially devastate me. i suppose that's the danger of being in a relationship.
what would you do?
ps: he has asked me to move in with him in september despite the fact that he will be leaving in december.
Great and good that you don't want to hold him back. Too often people throw away great futures on obligations that feel important when they're young, and chances are if you applied pressure and he knuckled down and you guys ended up not being it for each other, you'd end up hating each other AND not living the best lives for yourselves.
But this doesn't mean that he doesn't owe you anything. He's being extremely inconsiderate by ignoring your pleas for discussion on the topic. And he's inviting you to move in, without addressing the overhanging expiration date that his trip home insinuates regarding your relationship? Where is his head at? Why does he think he can put you through this emotional roller-coaster without any kind of stated future commitment, when you've made it clear that you need to understand things a little better?
The good news is that it looks like you probably do matter when it comes to this decision, because talk about this is so obviously a hard thing for him, and likely because he feels strongly about you. It actually sounds a lot like he may not know what to say because he is still making up his mind. I bet that's what the whole moving in thing is all about: maybe he wants to try you out as a housemate for a few months and then see how he feels.
All of this is understandable, but it doesn't change the fact that he is actually inflicting cruelty on you by holding his cards to his chest. He may be giving himself lots of time and space to really consider what's going on between you with the benefit of your occasional one-sided input, but what are you supposed to do?
And so the impulse is there for you to withdraw, a la “If he won't look after my interests, I'll make my exit and look after my own.” I don't get that this is where you really are, though.
This philosophy has allowed me to be hurt in the past, but I will stick by it: don't always act in a relationship with the sole purpose of protecting yourself. This does not apply if the other person is beating you or stealing from you... you need to protect your body and your credit rating. But, don't break up with a person, say, just because you're afraid he's going to break up with you, not if you still want to be with him, because trying to predict (and shield yourself against) the potential hurtful actions of others is no way to live, and it's no way to love either. It isn't really loving at all. Maybe, if you want to be with him in this moment, you should just be with him as long as you can. Or as long as you can stand it.
In other words, if you're not content to just ride it out and see what happens, I say keep trying until you're certain that it's really no use, or until he does give you an answer. You don't want to wonder if you did the right thing by just letting him go, and you don't want to live life at an arm's length either. I've been hurt before, but you can be damn sure I don't wonder too much about the past.
He needs to understand that it is selfish and cowardly to not confront these issues for his sake as well as yours. I'm not saying you should demand a commitment, because that's not going to help anybody, but I am saying you should demand some respect as a human being all your own who is effected by his decisions. Maybe make some suggestions, not in anger but in earnest, if you're comfortable making them. “Do you want to continue a long-distance relationship?” and “Do you want things with me to go on as long as they can without the promise of anything else?” are the two best options I can think of. Or, to be nice and succinct: “What do you want, man?”
every time i bring up his "moving home" he gets irritated and doesn't really want to talk about it. he is leaving, that's it. when i try to express my apprehension about our future he listens and then gives me the silent treatment.
the most irritating part of this problem is that i have no idea whether i make any difference in his decision. of course i don't want to hold him back from anything (he genuinely hates the city we are living in despite having numerous friends ) but i can't help but worry that i am investing too much of myself in a relationship that could potentially devastate me. i suppose that's the danger of being in a relationship.
what would you do?
ps: he has asked me to move in with him in september despite the fact that he will be leaving in december.
Great and good that you don't want to hold him back. Too often people throw away great futures on obligations that feel important when they're young, and chances are if you applied pressure and he knuckled down and you guys ended up not being it for each other, you'd end up hating each other AND not living the best lives for yourselves.
But this doesn't mean that he doesn't owe you anything. He's being extremely inconsiderate by ignoring your pleas for discussion on the topic. And he's inviting you to move in, without addressing the overhanging expiration date that his trip home insinuates regarding your relationship? Where is his head at? Why does he think he can put you through this emotional roller-coaster without any kind of stated future commitment, when you've made it clear that you need to understand things a little better?
The good news is that it looks like you probably do matter when it comes to this decision, because talk about this is so obviously a hard thing for him, and likely because he feels strongly about you. It actually sounds a lot like he may not know what to say because he is still making up his mind. I bet that's what the whole moving in thing is all about: maybe he wants to try you out as a housemate for a few months and then see how he feels.
All of this is understandable, but it doesn't change the fact that he is actually inflicting cruelty on you by holding his cards to his chest. He may be giving himself lots of time and space to really consider what's going on between you with the benefit of your occasional one-sided input, but what are you supposed to do?
And so the impulse is there for you to withdraw, a la “If he won't look after my interests, I'll make my exit and look after my own.” I don't get that this is where you really are, though.
This philosophy has allowed me to be hurt in the past, but I will stick by it: don't always act in a relationship with the sole purpose of protecting yourself. This does not apply if the other person is beating you or stealing from you... you need to protect your body and your credit rating. But, don't break up with a person, say, just because you're afraid he's going to break up with you, not if you still want to be with him, because trying to predict (and shield yourself against) the potential hurtful actions of others is no way to live, and it's no way to love either. It isn't really loving at all. Maybe, if you want to be with him in this moment, you should just be with him as long as you can. Or as long as you can stand it.
In other words, if you're not content to just ride it out and see what happens, I say keep trying until you're certain that it's really no use, or until he does give you an answer. You don't want to wonder if you did the right thing by just letting him go, and you don't want to live life at an arm's length either. I've been hurt before, but you can be damn sure I don't wonder too much about the past.
He needs to understand that it is selfish and cowardly to not confront these issues for his sake as well as yours. I'm not saying you should demand a commitment, because that's not going to help anybody, but I am saying you should demand some respect as a human being all your own who is effected by his decisions. Maybe make some suggestions, not in anger but in earnest, if you're comfortable making them. “Do you want to continue a long-distance relationship?” and “Do you want things with me to go on as long as they can without the promise of anything else?” are the two best options I can think of. Or, to be nice and succinct: “What do you want, man?”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
