hi
this is a little unorthodox but I could use your advice. it's difficult to explain this but I've had this close friend for a few years and found out a few months back, through a few unlikely conversations and events, that he would fabricate stories about his love life. and not just stories, but full blown lies, all of them about sex that never happened.
I did eventually bring this up, but he kind of failed to explain why it was necessary to lie to me, because I don't care. also, my friend also rushes to me with any romantic developments in his love life, and naturally I always role my eyes a bit.
I'm not at all sure what to do or say, or even what my own feelings are, exactly.
Sometimes we rationalize the dickly things we do and say with rules we make up for use in the confines of our own brain. Liars (and many gossips) can use this one: “If it is something that is possible or believable, I can say it.” And, if such a lie has the potential to be very successful, because the liar comes to feel more and more that the lie will never be found out, it becomes a part of the reality the liar tends construct for himself or herself.
This is why at least some liars lie: they have misunderstood the concept of reality (think... the whole Law of Attraction thing, then get it hooked on heroin). They come to place a lot of importance on what is believed by others, as opposed to what is actually true. They may not feel attractive unless someone is telling them they look OK. They might not feel like they're having fun until somebody tells them they look like they're having fun. Perception becomes an interesting idea to them, and then they come to be able to feel like they are rich, for example, even though they're poor, if they can feel like they're convincing someone else that they are rich.
You say you don't see why it was necessary for him to lie to you, and that you don't care. The thing is, his lies were likely most for his benefit. If you could believe them, then he could believe them too.
So, your friend is a liar, and that must make it hard for you to respect or trust him. But consider this:
Just because he lies about a certain area of his life doesn't mean he lies about everything. It doesn't sound like he's selling you up the river or ripping you off or anything. It's not OK to lie, but you're likely not in any danger of suffering for your friendship with this person.
As it turns out, there are few people on earth that can shoulder the burden of being perfect for others. Our Dads cease looking superhuman to us sooner or later. All girlfriends have the potential turn into wives or live-in partners who wipe their makeup off and fart and eat all the cereal in one day, and/or mothers who destroy their breasts feeding children and let anger and annoyance mark their faces as the years go on. Just because you've caught your friend looking weird and pathetic is no reason to jettison him from your life, simply because most people will disappoint you.
I am not telling you to disregard this, or that you're a bad friend if you don't want to tolerate this sort of thing. While it's true that most people will disappoint you, it's also true that we're just not meant to be madly in love some people. While I'm reluctant to paint your friend as a dangerous sociopath, the impulse to 'role' your eyes is bang on. And hey, maybe he needs somebody to roll their eyes at him.
And so I say, return any bullshit you feel you're getting from him with honesty. If he gets mad and alienated, just think that you've done him a huge favour by not indulging him, and that you probably won't have to listen to his lying ass as often anymore.
And now this song is in my head.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Queen of Pain
Dear M
My boyfriend is really confusing me! We started out as a secret casual sex thing, He d idn't want people to find out, so i wouldnt show him any special treatment when we met up in public, but he'd get mad at me when we saw each other alone later and acuse me of being mean to him and flirting with other guys. BEing scret wasn't workingm so i asked if we could have a normal boyfriend-girlfriend realtionship. that worked ok for about a month, then he semeed to loose interest, never calling me and not seeming like he wanted to have sex with me. Then he sugested we see each other, but see other people at the same time. So I did that and hooked up with some guys. That REALLY pissed him of. HE got supper jealous. I have been really attentive lately, and he seems to be ignoring me again. Either he's mad and jealous but paying attention to me, or bored and not paying attention to me.. What's going on??
I think you're pretty capable of knowing what's going on here, and what you should do: He can't be pleased, and you should dump him.
But I haven't written a column in several days, AND this one is late, so I'd better lay it all out here to the best of my ability, and colourfully:
When some people think of the words ‘sadist’ or ‘masochist,’ they think of whips and chains and hot wax, when that stuff can just as easily be associated with the words ‘fun,’ and, believe it or not, ‘healthy’; A lot of people with pain and/or humiliation kinks treat it like what it is, and they let their mates in on their fantasies, and it stays in the bedroom, or wherever they keep the cuffs – in other words, in their sexual lives. It’s a game, so they play it. No harm done.
Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is a sado-masochist in a less sexual sense of the word, living the shit 24/7 like a psycho, and likely loving every minute of it no matter what he would have you believe or even what he would acknowledge to himself.
Relevant?: my father once told me that you can tell a lot about a man (like, what he may be like as a mate) by the way he treats his mother, and this observation of his is scarily bang-on. Somewhat in the same vein, you would be surprised at the degree to which some men want to create with their partners something reminiscent of what they had with their Moms, regardless of whether they have good feelings about them or good relationships with them. Either they attempt a recreation of a good mother-son experience, or a correction of a bad mother-son experience. I hate pop psychology just as much as the next hipster, but it’s seriously uncanny, you guys.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy had a serious hate-boner for his mother. Maybe Mom abandoned him in some way. Maybe she left, maybe she cheated on Dad – kids can take it very personally and feel very betrayed when their parents leave or cheat. But, few sons can manage to hate their mothers completely, and the shadows of some very deep feelings manifest themselves in very strange romantic relationship behaviour. Maybe when he’s being cold and bitchy to you, he’s in fact reaming Mom for whatever she did to him. Regardless, somewhere along the line, this guy came to be turned off by things like security and fidelity and affection, and turned on by stuff like paranoia and jealousy and cruelty. Puke!
Regardless, I think he does want you to go out and make him jealous. People who are capable of being honest with themselves about having a similar type of desire identify as cuckhold fetishists. They get off on the idea of their mates getting off with others.
I’m not the most jealous gal, and I have to admit that my eye wanders – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu – but cuckholding is definitely not my thing, and I think it’s a rare couple who isn’t just doing it to look unconditionally cool and can really work this arrangement without destroying each other most unsexily. However, as long as there are people out there who really like this, and manage to lead happy lives while putting it into practice, and can find other people who want to sleep around on them and don’t want to otherwise hurt or take advantage of them, and everybody takes measures to be safe, it’s fine with me.
This guy? Only feels alive when something sketchy and skanky is going on in his life, to make him jealous and to give him something to yell about to you, a.k.a. “New Mom” – all of this is why he looks disinterested now that you’re being good to him.
Here’s another twist: he would rather we all not acknowledge this. He doesn’t want the boom mic or the camera cables slipping into frame, he doesn’t want anybody to see the strings on the puppet, especially you, but mostly him. He likes that he can feel turned on by his jealousy and also feel justified in punishing you, which also turns him on. Your performance is way better for him if you don’t realize it’s all a game and you feel your hurt and confusion genuinely, because it can help him to forget that it’s all a game. It’s all a game that he is selfishly refusing to let you in on.
Either he has a hate-boner for his mother, or he’s watched and/or read more drama than he’s actually managed to live yet. Is he an artist?
In trying to apply this idiotic formula to his life, he is forcing it on your life. It’s a pretty weak formula, it works for him because he’s a pretty weak person, and you should dump him! Wheeee.
My boyfriend is really confusing me! We started out as a secret casual sex thing, He d idn't want people to find out, so i wouldnt show him any special treatment when we met up in public, but he'd get mad at me when we saw each other alone later and acuse me of being mean to him and flirting with other guys. BEing scret wasn't workingm so i asked if we could have a normal boyfriend-girlfriend realtionship. that worked ok for about a month, then he semeed to loose interest, never calling me and not seeming like he wanted to have sex with me. Then he sugested we see each other, but see other people at the same time. So I did that and hooked up with some guys. That REALLY pissed him of. HE got supper jealous. I have been really attentive lately, and he seems to be ignoring me again. Either he's mad and jealous but paying attention to me, or bored and not paying attention to me.. What's going on??
I think you're pretty capable of knowing what's going on here, and what you should do: He can't be pleased, and you should dump him.
But I haven't written a column in several days, AND this one is late, so I'd better lay it all out here to the best of my ability, and colourfully:
When some people think of the words ‘sadist’ or ‘masochist,’ they think of whips and chains and hot wax, when that stuff can just as easily be associated with the words ‘fun,’ and, believe it or not, ‘healthy’; A lot of people with pain and/or humiliation kinks treat it like what it is, and they let their mates in on their fantasies, and it stays in the bedroom, or wherever they keep the cuffs – in other words, in their sexual lives. It’s a game, so they play it. No harm done.
Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is a sado-masochist in a less sexual sense of the word, living the shit 24/7 like a psycho, and likely loving every minute of it no matter what he would have you believe or even what he would acknowledge to himself.
Relevant?: my father once told me that you can tell a lot about a man (like, what he may be like as a mate) by the way he treats his mother, and this observation of his is scarily bang-on. Somewhat in the same vein, you would be surprised at the degree to which some men want to create with their partners something reminiscent of what they had with their Moms, regardless of whether they have good feelings about them or good relationships with them. Either they attempt a recreation of a good mother-son experience, or a correction of a bad mother-son experience. I hate pop psychology just as much as the next hipster, but it’s seriously uncanny, you guys.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy had a serious hate-boner for his mother. Maybe Mom abandoned him in some way. Maybe she left, maybe she cheated on Dad – kids can take it very personally and feel very betrayed when their parents leave or cheat. But, few sons can manage to hate their mothers completely, and the shadows of some very deep feelings manifest themselves in very strange romantic relationship behaviour. Maybe when he’s being cold and bitchy to you, he’s in fact reaming Mom for whatever she did to him. Regardless, somewhere along the line, this guy came to be turned off by things like security and fidelity and affection, and turned on by stuff like paranoia and jealousy and cruelty. Puke!
Regardless, I think he does want you to go out and make him jealous. People who are capable of being honest with themselves about having a similar type of desire identify as cuckhold fetishists. They get off on the idea of their mates getting off with others.
I’m not the most jealous gal, and I have to admit that my eye wanders – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu – but cuckholding is definitely not my thing, and I think it’s a rare couple who isn’t just doing it to look unconditionally cool and can really work this arrangement without destroying each other most unsexily. However, as long as there are people out there who really like this, and manage to lead happy lives while putting it into practice, and can find other people who want to sleep around on them and don’t want to otherwise hurt or take advantage of them, and everybody takes measures to be safe, it’s fine with me.
This guy? Only feels alive when something sketchy and skanky is going on in his life, to make him jealous and to give him something to yell about to you, a.k.a. “New Mom” – all of this is why he looks disinterested now that you’re being good to him.
Here’s another twist: he would rather we all not acknowledge this. He doesn’t want the boom mic or the camera cables slipping into frame, he doesn’t want anybody to see the strings on the puppet, especially you, but mostly him. He likes that he can feel turned on by his jealousy and also feel justified in punishing you, which also turns him on. Your performance is way better for him if you don’t realize it’s all a game and you feel your hurt and confusion genuinely, because it can help him to forget that it’s all a game. It’s all a game that he is selfishly refusing to let you in on.
Either he has a hate-boner for his mother, or he’s watched and/or read more drama than he’s actually managed to live yet. Is he an artist?
In trying to apply this idiotic formula to his life, he is forcing it on your life. It’s a pretty weak formula, it works for him because he’s a pretty weak person, and you should dump him! Wheeee.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
More sucker punches than butterfly kisses
I’m a 30-year-old woman with a good job and a fiancé. I haven’t lived with my parents since I was 19 years old, and for good reason, because they drove me crazy, especially my father.
My father seemed to lose interest in me when I was around 12. He did not make any effort to spend time with me. He would not come to any of my sports games. My grandmother had to drag him to my high school graduation. At the time I got the impression that he was afraid that I would embarrass him, so you can imagine how I came to feel about myself.
If I ever tried to talk to him about something that interested me, it would turn into an argument for some reason. He couldn’t just talk to me, he had to treat every exchange between us as a time to show me how dumb I was. He is so arrogant and so sure of himself, and this is not a teenage brat talking: he is so ignorant about some things that it makes my head spin.
He has always found my boyfriends more interesting than me. He is friendlier, warmer and more affectionate with me now that I am about to be married. It’s as if I was not worth anything to him until another man endorsed me.
I never see my Dad, and I don’t think we’ll have another unpleasant interaction as long as it stays this way, but 20 years since the last time he said an unkind thing to me, I will still cry myself to sleep at night sometimes. The sheer anger I feel towards my father is overwhelming. I don’t know how to attack the situation after so many years. How do I bring this up to him?
Talking is important. I am all about talking, and a lot of what can be elements of a good talk: Dissecting, analyzing, explaining, listening, learning, excited nodding, high-fives. It’s probably my favourite thing of all time… when it goes well.
I bet (because this platform affords me the luxury of a good crapshoot every now and then) you wish you could just let loose on your Dad and release those two decades of hurt and anger and have him feel good and sorry and for everything to be fine for you after that.
Unfortunately, you may not get very far. He could just walk away from you or refuse to listen. He could say that you’re wrong and honestly believe it himself – you’d be surprised at how good some people are at that sort of thing, especially the ones we tend to call ‘arrogant’.
And then there’s the potential fallout: your Dad failing understand how much he’s hurt you in your life after you’ve made such an effort to express it can make your hurt that much burn-y. Also, twenty years is a long time to think and believe and feel a certain way about a situation. The anger would likely not go away overnight, and you telling your father where to get off would likely not be the end of it, even if you did manage to get through to him. You do not make yourself feel better just by making somebody else feel bad.
(And, as far as getting very emotional, because talks of this nature tend to go that route: Yelling or even just taking an excessively angry tone with anybody is pretty immature, but it looks especially bad and is even more ineffective when exacted on a parent, because it places you in roles that you don’t belong in anymore.)
When dealing with family and friends-like-family, being happy is more important than being ‘right,’ – in this case, insisting on bearing grudges and holding onto hurts. Also in this case, part of being happy can be finding it in yourself to be good to your loved ones over sore spots and points of contention and give them the benefit of the doubt: to believe that at least their intentions, where you were concerned, were good.
When you’re dealing with someone you love – because I am going there, yes, I am assuming that you love your Dad, because if you didn’t love him, you would not hurt so much – and you want to come to an actual solution, sometimes you have to be open to the possibility that the other person is innocent to some degree, because that is part of respecting and thinking highly of them.
I don’t know your situation completely. I’m not prepared to tell you that your father has a point because I don’t know what his would be, and I actually can’t imagine what it could be, because you do a pretty good job of painting him as a big fat jerk. But from what you’ve written here I can tell you are definitely not in a position to be open-minded about this. You can’t make people come around to your way of thinking and believing and feeling in every situation, and in this situation, where you are so very embittered, chances are slim of things going well.
He was a bad father and he should probably be called on it. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong to believe that, because from here that looks to be about right. Maybe that’s a reason for you to be miserable, but it’s not an excuse. The actions of others can make us feel sad, but we make ourselves unhappy. I think before you even think of trying to bring this to your Dad, you need to turn your sights inwards and determine how much of your misery is created and maintained by you. For the sake of your future relationship and for your own good, wait until you can speak to him with some humility about it. Congratulations on your engagement! Sort this out before you have kids.
My father seemed to lose interest in me when I was around 12. He did not make any effort to spend time with me. He would not come to any of my sports games. My grandmother had to drag him to my high school graduation. At the time I got the impression that he was afraid that I would embarrass him, so you can imagine how I came to feel about myself.
If I ever tried to talk to him about something that interested me, it would turn into an argument for some reason. He couldn’t just talk to me, he had to treat every exchange between us as a time to show me how dumb I was. He is so arrogant and so sure of himself, and this is not a teenage brat talking: he is so ignorant about some things that it makes my head spin.
He has always found my boyfriends more interesting than me. He is friendlier, warmer and more affectionate with me now that I am about to be married. It’s as if I was not worth anything to him until another man endorsed me.
I never see my Dad, and I don’t think we’ll have another unpleasant interaction as long as it stays this way, but 20 years since the last time he said an unkind thing to me, I will still cry myself to sleep at night sometimes. The sheer anger I feel towards my father is overwhelming. I don’t know how to attack the situation after so many years. How do I bring this up to him?
Talking is important. I am all about talking, and a lot of what can be elements of a good talk: Dissecting, analyzing, explaining, listening, learning, excited nodding, high-fives. It’s probably my favourite thing of all time… when it goes well.
I bet (because this platform affords me the luxury of a good crapshoot every now and then) you wish you could just let loose on your Dad and release those two decades of hurt and anger and have him feel good and sorry and for everything to be fine for you after that.
Unfortunately, you may not get very far. He could just walk away from you or refuse to listen. He could say that you’re wrong and honestly believe it himself – you’d be surprised at how good some people are at that sort of thing, especially the ones we tend to call ‘arrogant’.
And then there’s the potential fallout: your Dad failing understand how much he’s hurt you in your life after you’ve made such an effort to express it can make your hurt that much burn-y. Also, twenty years is a long time to think and believe and feel a certain way about a situation. The anger would likely not go away overnight, and you telling your father where to get off would likely not be the end of it, even if you did manage to get through to him. You do not make yourself feel better just by making somebody else feel bad.
(And, as far as getting very emotional, because talks of this nature tend to go that route: Yelling or even just taking an excessively angry tone with anybody is pretty immature, but it looks especially bad and is even more ineffective when exacted on a parent, because it places you in roles that you don’t belong in anymore.)
When dealing with family and friends-like-family, being happy is more important than being ‘right,’ – in this case, insisting on bearing grudges and holding onto hurts. Also in this case, part of being happy can be finding it in yourself to be good to your loved ones over sore spots and points of contention and give them the benefit of the doubt: to believe that at least their intentions, where you were concerned, were good.
When you’re dealing with someone you love – because I am going there, yes, I am assuming that you love your Dad, because if you didn’t love him, you would not hurt so much – and you want to come to an actual solution, sometimes you have to be open to the possibility that the other person is innocent to some degree, because that is part of respecting and thinking highly of them.
I don’t know your situation completely. I’m not prepared to tell you that your father has a point because I don’t know what his would be, and I actually can’t imagine what it could be, because you do a pretty good job of painting him as a big fat jerk. But from what you’ve written here I can tell you are definitely not in a position to be open-minded about this. You can’t make people come around to your way of thinking and believing and feeling in every situation, and in this situation, where you are so very embittered, chances are slim of things going well.
He was a bad father and he should probably be called on it. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong to believe that, because from here that looks to be about right. Maybe that’s a reason for you to be miserable, but it’s not an excuse. The actions of others can make us feel sad, but we make ourselves unhappy. I think before you even think of trying to bring this to your Dad, you need to turn your sights inwards and determine how much of your misery is created and maintained by you. For the sake of your future relationship and for your own good, wait until you can speak to him with some humility about it. Congratulations on your engagement! Sort this out before you have kids.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Time for reflection
I'm really happy with how the blog has been going the last little while, but due to some recent (good) life developments, I'm going to have to tone it down a bit. I'm taking today off to do some housekeeping (quite literally! My place is crazy silly messy and I'm having guests this weekend). I'll be back tomorrow and Friday, but starting next week I'll only be updating Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
This Friday: a girl wrestles with some mixed feelings she has about her Dad. I'll look into the father-daughter dynamic and ponder the question: do you always need to hash everything out?
In the meantime, here is some timeless advice from Otis Redding.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Not pukin', part two
The first response to Tuesday's letter (from the guy finding himself in his first long-distance relationship and unsure of whether to visit his girlfriend when he's not feeling the strongest about her) came from my buddy Richard McRichardson, because I thought it would be good to get a man's point of view, just to see if it would be all that different from mine. I said I'd come up with my reply today, and here it is:
At different times in my life, I’ve looked around at the situations of others for some clue as to how to proceed with my own, because I hadn’t found myself in them before. Sometimes you fear you don’t know enough to be dissatisfied, and that’s actually legitimate. A few times I’ve stayed in dumb relationships because I was too young to realize I had a right to expect more, or I didn’t realize the treatment I was getting wasn't fair, for example, with only a faint idea that things weren’t going right.
That said, I suspect that much of the fear people feel that they’re settling for something that is just pleasant, and the suspicion that passion equals desperation and if you’re not sighing your face off or puking your guts out or shitting your pants you’re missing out on something way better with someone else, is in big part rhetoric that people internalize through shit like television and movies. Love definitely doesn’t always happen overnight, sometimes it’s the result of really getting to know a person over a period of time. This is why longtime friends end up together, and this is why people date casually… trial basis and whatnot. So yeah, you’re right, it’s possible to be just fine with the no butterflies because they might be along.
BUT. While it’s fine when you’re not super lovesick over a girl you’ve only been with for what’s basically been a few weeks, it’s a little surprising, to me, that you embarked on possibly THE HARDEST dating circumstance, the long-distance relationship, with someone you don’t seem to have felt all that strongly about in the first place. While dramatics aren’t essential to the start of an important relationship, you need ways in which to see if strong feelings will develop, and without a super strong initial attraction, you don’t have the greatest foundation for a situation in which you’ll only get a full experience of a person kind of gradually (over e-mail and Skype, on brief visits).
If you’re not seeing your girlfriend all that often, your relationship risks becoming stagnant. It takes you a lot longer to figure out how you feel about someone you never see. When you think about it, long-distance is probably remarkably easier to put up with when you’re not super invested in the person. But when you’re not super invested… what’s the point, you know? You might as well go with someone local.
Though I am apparently not a fan of the long-distance model, it’s actually not my policy to encourage people to dissolve relationships already in progress just because they’re long-distance, and Monday, you seem only to be apprehensive about yours on principle. So, that’s why I hope you went on your March break trip with her; see her as much as you can.in order to get to know her better. I think you need to put some effort into learning more about her and getting a better idea of whether you want to be with her.
So I pretty much agree with what Rich said on Monday. Except, I want to comment on one thing.
On his suggestion about changing your behaviour and hoping that your feelings will follow: meh, I guess so. It makes sense, and acting a certain way is one way towards feeling and believing a certain way, but is it necessary to really connect with this person, to the extent that you’re playing mind tricks on yourself to achieve that? Try it, by all means, if you really want to give this relationship a chance, but if it feels stupid, you’ll know why: you’re not into this girl enough.
At different times in my life, I’ve looked around at the situations of others for some clue as to how to proceed with my own, because I hadn’t found myself in them before. Sometimes you fear you don’t know enough to be dissatisfied, and that’s actually legitimate. A few times I’ve stayed in dumb relationships because I was too young to realize I had a right to expect more, or I didn’t realize the treatment I was getting wasn't fair, for example, with only a faint idea that things weren’t going right.
That said, I suspect that much of the fear people feel that they’re settling for something that is just pleasant, and the suspicion that passion equals desperation and if you’re not sighing your face off or puking your guts out or shitting your pants you’re missing out on something way better with someone else, is in big part rhetoric that people internalize through shit like television and movies. Love definitely doesn’t always happen overnight, sometimes it’s the result of really getting to know a person over a period of time. This is why longtime friends end up together, and this is why people date casually… trial basis and whatnot. So yeah, you’re right, it’s possible to be just fine with the no butterflies because they might be along.
BUT. While it’s fine when you’re not super lovesick over a girl you’ve only been with for what’s basically been a few weeks, it’s a little surprising, to me, that you embarked on possibly THE HARDEST dating circumstance, the long-distance relationship, with someone you don’t seem to have felt all that strongly about in the first place. While dramatics aren’t essential to the start of an important relationship, you need ways in which to see if strong feelings will develop, and without a super strong initial attraction, you don’t have the greatest foundation for a situation in which you’ll only get a full experience of a person kind of gradually (over e-mail and Skype, on brief visits).
If you’re not seeing your girlfriend all that often, your relationship risks becoming stagnant. It takes you a lot longer to figure out how you feel about someone you never see. When you think about it, long-distance is probably remarkably easier to put up with when you’re not super invested in the person. But when you’re not super invested… what’s the point, you know? You might as well go with someone local.
Though I am apparently not a fan of the long-distance model, it’s actually not my policy to encourage people to dissolve relationships already in progress just because they’re long-distance, and Monday, you seem only to be apprehensive about yours on principle. So, that’s why I hope you went on your March break trip with her; see her as much as you can.in order to get to know her better. I think you need to put some effort into learning more about her and getting a better idea of whether you want to be with her.
So I pretty much agree with what Rich said on Monday. Except, I want to comment on one thing.
On his suggestion about changing your behaviour and hoping that your feelings will follow: meh, I guess so. It makes sense, and acting a certain way is one way towards feeling and believing a certain way, but is it necessary to really connect with this person, to the extent that you’re playing mind tricks on yourself to achieve that? Try it, by all means, if you really want to give this relationship a chance, but if it feels stupid, you’ll know why: you’re not into this girl enough.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
If I really like her, how come I don't want to puke?
i started dating someone over the christmas break, but she is a grad student in a different city from where i live. before she went back to school we decided to try to have a long-distance relationship. so far i think it has gone quite well, i guess. i am really not sure because i have no other long-distance relationship to compare it too, but it feels like it is going well.
i think we could potentially have a good relationship; we get along well and have a lot of fun together. i think i could love her and probably even fall in love with her, and we would probably have a meaningful relationship. but i have been having some doubts lately. i don't really feel any 'sparks'. i don't have pleasant little thoughts of her while i walk to school, she doesn't pop into my head throughout the day, and i don't think of sweet things i could do for her. i am just not sure how seriously to take these doubts.
it could just be the fact that i haven't seen her in a couple months [skpye and email make poor alternatives], so such feelings haven't really had a chance to grow [like in a petry dish]. it also could be my own self-destructiveness coming to add his own two cents. i do have a history of getting uneasy about relationships i am in even though i am happy and they are good for me. chalk it up to some sort of insecurity or fear of relationships i guess? so i sometimes don't take these feelings all too serious.
as well do i really need these sparks? i think i will be happy if we continue on even with out the butterflies and whatnot. maybe this is just part of being an adult; not all relationships make your knees buckle and keep you up at night. but at the same time i don't really want to settle and do something which is logical [horrible word but i can't think of a better one] but i am not fully into emotionally.
the plan is for me to go visit her over march break. but i find myself kinda hesitant to go. should i go or would it be dishonest of me to do so with how i am feeling? or should i go and try to determine where these feelings are coming from?
You’re probably on March break already. I’m sorry I didn’t get to your letter sooner, but I hope you went on your trip. More on what I think later. Self-professed male and overall intelligent and well-read guy Richard McRichardson (NOT HIS REAL NAME) has volunteered to tackle this one with me:
First, the good news: It seems like you're doing a good job at being honest with yourself about your feelings without jumping to conclusions. It's always good to have a clear mind about things, but in this case it seems like you're trying to juggle too many perspectives at once and need a hand putting things in order. The bottom line is that I think you've already answered your own problems when you say that you think you will be happy if you continue on "even without the butterflies and whatnot." This relationship may not feel like others you've been through before but that doesn't mean it isn't valuable or that it can't be fulfilling in its own way. You say that you'll be happy without the butterflies and sparks for now, so, y'know what? BE happy without them for now, and worry about the future when the future comes. People's feelings do change over time and some relationships see those sparks arriving a little later than others, and some never see them at all, but that doesn't mean you're wasting your time or that you ought to give up on things just yet.
As for your "self-destructiveness" and history of uneasiness with relationships that are otherwise going well: it sounds like you need to apply the same honesty you're capable of elsewhere to that side of your thinking. You haven't really said enough about this tendency for me to offer any sort of tangible advice on it, but I can say that if you let this sort of negative thought pattern go unchecked it can and will ruin a lot of good things for you in the future. Maybe you'll always be stuck with that uneasy feeling creeping up from time to time, but hopefully you can get to the point with yourself where you're able to see it for what it is and dismiss it without too much further thought.
Now, the bad news: Long distance relationships are HARD, especially if your heart isn't in it 100%. That doesn't mean that you two are doomed, but it does mean that you'll have to put in a little extra effort from time to time. You may not have much more than skype and e-mail at your disposal, but do what you can to make communication a regular thing. You don't need to be in touch 24/7, but try to make (and keep) your e-mail correspondance and skype sessions a regular thing. If you find yourself dreading your skype conversations or considering it an awful chore to keep up with this person by e-mail, that's when I'd suggest that it's time to revisit your feelings about the whole thing.
Would it be dishonest of you to go visit her for the March break? The fact that you aren't shitting rainbows about this girl doesn't mean that it's dishonest of you to spend some time with someone whose company you enjoy. It's a visit, not a marriage proposal, and it only becomes dishonest if you blow its significance out of proportion. Go see her and have a good time - if nothing else you can use this as a good opportunity to see how you feel about her again once you're face-to-face with her and not just communicating over the internet.
One final note: when actors learn how to portray certain emotions and feelings on-stage one thing they often focus on is mimicking some of the physical signs of those emotions - things like breathing patterns, posture, and facial expressions. When you put your body into a certain state you can help convince your mind to follow along with it, and so these actors are able to feel sadness, anger, joy, or what-have-you by initiating it with their bodies first and letting their minds follow. The point of me bringing this up is to suggest that maybe you're overthinking things a little, and that you might feel better about this relationship if you just let yourself go and went with it. Being physically apart from someone you care about makes it difficult to experience the physical side of your emotions (I'm talking about things like smiles, eye contact, and basic body contact for those of you with minds stuck in the gutter), so maybe you should try tapping into the physical side of your feelings a bit more and letting your mind follow along. Smile when you're writing to her or having a conversation on skype and there's a good chance you'll sound - and feel - cheerier. If there were any problems here I'd suggest that you put some effort into working them out, but it seems to me as if all of your issues are born of your own imagination. Ignore your unfounded inner-naysaying and go into your March break trip with the expectation that you're going to have fun and, with any luck, you might just end up having a great time.
Hmm, interesting. Tomorrow: my reaction.
i think we could potentially have a good relationship; we get along well and have a lot of fun together. i think i could love her and probably even fall in love with her, and we would probably have a meaningful relationship. but i have been having some doubts lately. i don't really feel any 'sparks'. i don't have pleasant little thoughts of her while i walk to school, she doesn't pop into my head throughout the day, and i don't think of sweet things i could do for her. i am just not sure how seriously to take these doubts.
it could just be the fact that i haven't seen her in a couple months [skpye and email make poor alternatives], so such feelings haven't really had a chance to grow [like in a petry dish]. it also could be my own self-destructiveness coming to add his own two cents. i do have a history of getting uneasy about relationships i am in even though i am happy and they are good for me. chalk it up to some sort of insecurity or fear of relationships i guess? so i sometimes don't take these feelings all too serious.
as well do i really need these sparks? i think i will be happy if we continue on even with out the butterflies and whatnot. maybe this is just part of being an adult; not all relationships make your knees buckle and keep you up at night. but at the same time i don't really want to settle and do something which is logical [horrible word but i can't think of a better one] but i am not fully into emotionally.
the plan is for me to go visit her over march break. but i find myself kinda hesitant to go. should i go or would it be dishonest of me to do so with how i am feeling? or should i go and try to determine where these feelings are coming from?
You’re probably on March break already. I’m sorry I didn’t get to your letter sooner, but I hope you went on your trip. More on what I think later. Self-professed male and overall intelligent and well-read guy Richard McRichardson (NOT HIS REAL NAME) has volunteered to tackle this one with me:
First, the good news: It seems like you're doing a good job at being honest with yourself about your feelings without jumping to conclusions. It's always good to have a clear mind about things, but in this case it seems like you're trying to juggle too many perspectives at once and need a hand putting things in order. The bottom line is that I think you've already answered your own problems when you say that you think you will be happy if you continue on "even without the butterflies and whatnot." This relationship may not feel like others you've been through before but that doesn't mean it isn't valuable or that it can't be fulfilling in its own way. You say that you'll be happy without the butterflies and sparks for now, so, y'know what? BE happy without them for now, and worry about the future when the future comes. People's feelings do change over time and some relationships see those sparks arriving a little later than others, and some never see them at all, but that doesn't mean you're wasting your time or that you ought to give up on things just yet.
As for your "self-destructiveness" and history of uneasiness with relationships that are otherwise going well: it sounds like you need to apply the same honesty you're capable of elsewhere to that side of your thinking. You haven't really said enough about this tendency for me to offer any sort of tangible advice on it, but I can say that if you let this sort of negative thought pattern go unchecked it can and will ruin a lot of good things for you in the future. Maybe you'll always be stuck with that uneasy feeling creeping up from time to time, but hopefully you can get to the point with yourself where you're able to see it for what it is and dismiss it without too much further thought.
Now, the bad news: Long distance relationships are HARD, especially if your heart isn't in it 100%. That doesn't mean that you two are doomed, but it does mean that you'll have to put in a little extra effort from time to time. You may not have much more than skype and e-mail at your disposal, but do what you can to make communication a regular thing. You don't need to be in touch 24/7, but try to make (and keep) your e-mail correspondance and skype sessions a regular thing. If you find yourself dreading your skype conversations or considering it an awful chore to keep up with this person by e-mail, that's when I'd suggest that it's time to revisit your feelings about the whole thing.
Would it be dishonest of you to go visit her for the March break? The fact that you aren't shitting rainbows about this girl doesn't mean that it's dishonest of you to spend some time with someone whose company you enjoy. It's a visit, not a marriage proposal, and it only becomes dishonest if you blow its significance out of proportion. Go see her and have a good time - if nothing else you can use this as a good opportunity to see how you feel about her again once you're face-to-face with her and not just communicating over the internet.
One final note: when actors learn how to portray certain emotions and feelings on-stage one thing they often focus on is mimicking some of the physical signs of those emotions - things like breathing patterns, posture, and facial expressions. When you put your body into a certain state you can help convince your mind to follow along with it, and so these actors are able to feel sadness, anger, joy, or what-have-you by initiating it with their bodies first and letting their minds follow. The point of me bringing this up is to suggest that maybe you're overthinking things a little, and that you might feel better about this relationship if you just let yourself go and went with it. Being physically apart from someone you care about makes it difficult to experience the physical side of your emotions (I'm talking about things like smiles, eye contact, and basic body contact for those of you with minds stuck in the gutter), so maybe you should try tapping into the physical side of your feelings a bit more and letting your mind follow along. Smile when you're writing to her or having a conversation on skype and there's a good chance you'll sound - and feel - cheerier. If there were any problems here I'd suggest that you put some effort into working them out, but it seems to me as if all of your issues are born of your own imagination. Ignore your unfounded inner-naysaying and go into your March break trip with the expectation that you're going to have fun and, with any luck, you might just end up having a great time.
Hmm, interesting. Tomorrow: my reaction.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Monday madness… yawn.
Boring: I’m pretty tired.
Exciting: I took a trip this weekend! It was really great.
Boring: It was also exhausting. And, upon returning to my home city, it took me two hours to get from the train station to my dwelling due to multiple malfunctions of public transit.
Exciting: I received several notes concerning Thursday’s and Friday’s letters.
First, my friend Mel, who is a mom, discusses her feelings on Nadya Suleman, she of many aliases and, uh, kids:
Oh man I am also slightly obsessed.
I feel if anyone is moved to death threats then all of their touching notes should be directed toward the Dr. who made this all possible. It was hugely irresponsible & dangerous for all involved. At least Octopussy was emotionally invested & perhaps unstable...what is his excuse?
So now we have 8 little babies who will almost definitely grow into 8 little kids with huge medical issues & then 8 adults who will still carry the effects of the Dr's irresponsibility.
They have to worry about infections, heart problems, eye problems, nervous system problems. They have increased rick of CP & autism. As a Dr. he should NEVER have done this.
I don't even know what to say about her. She is like the crazy cat lady of babies.
Snickers! Crazy cat lady! Yeah, apparently this guy has also fertilized another woman in the states, who is now pregnant with quadruplets or some such large brood. Like I said, I’m all for the procedure, I am not in the least bit freaked out by in-vitro and fertility treatments… as long as they’re safe. This business does not appear to be.
Then, I got lots of comment on the guy who wrote to vent a bit and solicit advice concerning his sex life with his girlfriend, whom he felt was not performing to her fullest capacity.
My pal S.B. was perhaps not as kind to our letter-writer as me, but her sentiment was generally the same – communication is important, and he likely could do with a lot more talking and listening:
To be honest, I think the problem is probably on both ends. Maybe the boy should try to be more receptive to the body language of his girl while they're getting it on. It's a matter of talking, but he should also ask himself if he's actually open to the communication HER body. It is about talking, but it's more about listening to the other.
Sex is a team effort. In order for it to be awesome, the players have to be in sync with each other, and to be in sync, you have to listen.
By the way, to the dude, did you even stop to think that the reason why she's not doing much is because YOU'RE doing a crappy job? Maybe you're too busy looking for your own pleasure in all this to be able to entice her into having a good time. These things don't just happen for girls.
My friend Johnny swung by again to give his two cents:
This is all good advice, except it seems to ignore the possibility the girl might just be a bad lay.
Let me be a bit more specific: she might be a bad lay for you. We're not all "one size fits all". Different people have different sexual chemistry, and it might just be that you two are incompatible.
By all means, take M's advice and talk to your girlfriend. I would suggest before sex you talk to her about what turns her on. Be open about what your turns are too! (And I'm not talking about major fetishes or anything, but things like "It'd be hot if you wore some sexy socks when I was fucking you", or "I like be fucked against a wall," etc.) Incorporating those little things into sex will make it hotter for both of you!
But if you're not getting anywhere with talking then dump her. Otherwise, you will seek satisfying sex elsewhere and end up hurting her more than a breakup talk ever would.
I did draw attention to the chemistry principle – people are different psychologically and sexually, which could explain some of the hitches you’ve been hitting so far. Maybe I didn’t make it clear enough that while time and increased familiarity can sometimes be the fix for a few of the situations, it’s definitely not a guarantee. Things can fail if you do manage to talk, too, but two good potential outcomes are: 1) expressing yourselves solves your problems and the relationship is saved and 2) you find out that all the talking in the world won’t make you soul mates and you quit wasting time with each other. I guess I figured the possibility of incompatibility was a given!
I don’t know if before sex is such a great idea -- that is, if you’re looking to have a frank talk. If you want to avoid having an earnest discussion on things, because you already have an idea of what you’d like your encounters to be like, by all means just go ahead and make suggestions just like Johnny uh, suggested, and put those suggestions into practice together real quick. But if you’re interested in getting at the why, I actually don’t think such a conversation should be a prelude to sex. You might require a calm atmosphere in a timeslot when you’re not doing much of anything else and when you’re feeling close to each other, I figure.
And Johnny is right: once it’s become apparent to you that it’s just not going to work, you need to follow through on that conclusion and make your classy exit. Sometimes dumping somebody can be the most stand-up, respectful thing you can do for them. A person who allows himself or herself to remain only partly invested in their partner is actually not giving their partner much regard at all.
And lastly, my buddy Richard McRichardson chimes in from afar:
He should definitely talk to her. But what if things don't work out? What if, after all of the conversation, explanation, and communication, things still aren't so steamy in the bedroom?
It might feel harsh to dump someone over bad sex, but let's face it: sex is a very important part of the vast majority of relationships. It's not "superficial" to value the physical aspects of your relationship along with the emotional ones and, frankly, bad sex could very well be worth dumping someone over. But let's not be hasty.
It's important that, along with all the communication, you give this time. Changes may not happen overnight, and she might have to adjust to your particular tastes in a number of ways. But if, at the end of the day, the sex is still bad, you're well within your rights to (politely!) call things off. Maybe she's a really cool person, and maybe the two of you can still be great friends, but trying to maintain an exclusive relationship with someone where the sex is disappointingly bad will just lead to disaster. One way or another she'll sense your dissatisfaction, which won't make her feel any better about things, and you'll probably either really regret missing out on all of the great sex you could be having in another relationship or, worse yet, cheat on her. Ending the relationship could very well be the honorable thing to do.
There is another option if the sex is still bad, if she's open to it, and that would be for the two of you to have an open relationship. That kind of arrangement is most certainly NOT for everyone, but if you really connect with this person emotionally and they can't fulfill your physical desires you might want to consider discussing the possibility of seeking physical pleasure with other partners. This is a last-ditch solution, and in all honesty it would probably be easier, safer, and more respectable to just end the relationship - introducing other partners to the mix partway through an exclusive relationship is FAR from easy - but that doesn't mean the possibility should be ignored entirely either.
Worth saying! Well put.
Richard is going to help me out with Tuesday’s letter. Ahem!
Tomorrow, a dude wants to know if his lack of butterflies and other associated stomach ailments is an indication that his long-distance relationship is going nowhere.
Exciting: I took a trip this weekend! It was really great.
Boring: It was also exhausting. And, upon returning to my home city, it took me two hours to get from the train station to my dwelling due to multiple malfunctions of public transit.
Exciting: I received several notes concerning Thursday’s and Friday’s letters.
First, my friend Mel, who is a mom, discusses her feelings on Nadya Suleman, she of many aliases and, uh, kids:
Oh man I am also slightly obsessed.
I feel if anyone is moved to death threats then all of their touching notes should be directed toward the Dr. who made this all possible. It was hugely irresponsible & dangerous for all involved. At least Octopussy was emotionally invested & perhaps unstable...what is his excuse?
So now we have 8 little babies who will almost definitely grow into 8 little kids with huge medical issues & then 8 adults who will still carry the effects of the Dr's irresponsibility.
They have to worry about infections, heart problems, eye problems, nervous system problems. They have increased rick of CP & autism. As a Dr. he should NEVER have done this.
I don't even know what to say about her. She is like the crazy cat lady of babies.
Snickers! Crazy cat lady! Yeah, apparently this guy has also fertilized another woman in the states, who is now pregnant with quadruplets or some such large brood. Like I said, I’m all for the procedure, I am not in the least bit freaked out by in-vitro and fertility treatments… as long as they’re safe. This business does not appear to be.
Then, I got lots of comment on the guy who wrote to vent a bit and solicit advice concerning his sex life with his girlfriend, whom he felt was not performing to her fullest capacity.
My pal S.B. was perhaps not as kind to our letter-writer as me, but her sentiment was generally the same – communication is important, and he likely could do with a lot more talking and listening:
To be honest, I think the problem is probably on both ends. Maybe the boy should try to be more receptive to the body language of his girl while they're getting it on. It's a matter of talking, but he should also ask himself if he's actually open to the communication HER body. It is about talking, but it's more about listening to the other.
Sex is a team effort. In order for it to be awesome, the players have to be in sync with each other, and to be in sync, you have to listen.
By the way, to the dude, did you even stop to think that the reason why she's not doing much is because YOU'RE doing a crappy job? Maybe you're too busy looking for your own pleasure in all this to be able to entice her into having a good time. These things don't just happen for girls.
My friend Johnny swung by again to give his two cents:
This is all good advice, except it seems to ignore the possibility the girl might just be a bad lay.
Let me be a bit more specific: she might be a bad lay for you. We're not all "one size fits all". Different people have different sexual chemistry, and it might just be that you two are incompatible.
By all means, take M's advice and talk to your girlfriend. I would suggest before sex you talk to her about what turns her on. Be open about what your turns are too! (And I'm not talking about major fetishes or anything, but things like "It'd be hot if you wore some sexy socks when I was fucking you", or "I like be fucked against a wall," etc.) Incorporating those little things into sex will make it hotter for both of you!
But if you're not getting anywhere with talking then dump her. Otherwise, you will seek satisfying sex elsewhere and end up hurting her more than a breakup talk ever would.
I did draw attention to the chemistry principle – people are different psychologically and sexually, which could explain some of the hitches you’ve been hitting so far. Maybe I didn’t make it clear enough that while time and increased familiarity can sometimes be the fix for a few of the situations, it’s definitely not a guarantee. Things can fail if you do manage to talk, too, but two good potential outcomes are: 1) expressing yourselves solves your problems and the relationship is saved and 2) you find out that all the talking in the world won’t make you soul mates and you quit wasting time with each other. I guess I figured the possibility of incompatibility was a given!
I don’t know if before sex is such a great idea -- that is, if you’re looking to have a frank talk. If you want to avoid having an earnest discussion on things, because you already have an idea of what you’d like your encounters to be like, by all means just go ahead and make suggestions just like Johnny uh, suggested, and put those suggestions into practice together real quick. But if you’re interested in getting at the why, I actually don’t think such a conversation should be a prelude to sex. You might require a calm atmosphere in a timeslot when you’re not doing much of anything else and when you’re feeling close to each other, I figure.
And Johnny is right: once it’s become apparent to you that it’s just not going to work, you need to follow through on that conclusion and make your classy exit. Sometimes dumping somebody can be the most stand-up, respectful thing you can do for them. A person who allows himself or herself to remain only partly invested in their partner is actually not giving their partner much regard at all.
And lastly, my buddy Richard McRichardson chimes in from afar:
He should definitely talk to her. But what if things don't work out? What if, after all of the conversation, explanation, and communication, things still aren't so steamy in the bedroom?
It might feel harsh to dump someone over bad sex, but let's face it: sex is a very important part of the vast majority of relationships. It's not "superficial" to value the physical aspects of your relationship along with the emotional ones and, frankly, bad sex could very well be worth dumping someone over. But let's not be hasty.
It's important that, along with all the communication, you give this time. Changes may not happen overnight, and she might have to adjust to your particular tastes in a number of ways. But if, at the end of the day, the sex is still bad, you're well within your rights to (politely!) call things off. Maybe she's a really cool person, and maybe the two of you can still be great friends, but trying to maintain an exclusive relationship with someone where the sex is disappointingly bad will just lead to disaster. One way or another she'll sense your dissatisfaction, which won't make her feel any better about things, and you'll probably either really regret missing out on all of the great sex you could be having in another relationship or, worse yet, cheat on her. Ending the relationship could very well be the honorable thing to do.
There is another option if the sex is still bad, if she's open to it, and that would be for the two of you to have an open relationship. That kind of arrangement is most certainly NOT for everyone, but if you really connect with this person emotionally and they can't fulfill your physical desires you might want to consider discussing the possibility of seeking physical pleasure with other partners. This is a last-ditch solution, and in all honesty it would probably be easier, safer, and more respectable to just end the relationship - introducing other partners to the mix partway through an exclusive relationship is FAR from easy - but that doesn't mean the possibility should be ignored entirely either.
Worth saying! Well put.
Richard is going to help me out with Tuesday’s letter. Ahem!
Tomorrow, a dude wants to know if his lack of butterflies and other associated stomach ailments is an indication that his long-distance relationship is going nowhere.
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