The lay-down let-down

I hate to sound like an insensitive jerk, but I’m starting to think my girl friend is a bad lay. We’ve been sexually active for about a month now, and so far she has not climaxed. She also doesn’t seem to know what to do when she gets on top. I know she’s not a virgin, and to be honest I’d heard that was a demon in the sack. Maybe she’s just been with inexperienced guys before, but I didn’t think so. I’d hate to dump her just for being bad at sex, but that’s how much it’s frustrating me. What do you think is wrong? What should I do?


Good Lord. There are really endless possibilities when it comes to what could be behind your girlfriend’s sexual conduct.

I’ll start with the most cut and dry: it might have something to do with the physical combination of your member and her plumbing. If it seems like she doesn’t know what to do when she gets on top, it could be because she’s being surprised and confused by a painful and/or uncomfortable and/or plainly strange sensation that she hasn't experienced with any of her other sexual partners. If her vagina is more on the shallow side and you have a longish penis (in comparison to her short passage), it might cause her some discomfort in the cervical area to be experiencing entry at such an angle. If her vagina tips at an angle or veers off to the side (these things weren’t designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, people), and you have a bit of a curve to you yourself in an opposing direction, that may also feel strangely to her. She may not realize that with you she needs to try a different type of motion than she’s used to using while on top, and maybe the whole situation will be remedied when she is more accustomed to your physique.

Now, possibly the most obvious possibility: Maybe she doesn’t feel all that comfortable with you. Not all women need to have your respect and devotion in order to use your body to make themselves feel good, just like it is with some men. But this one may need some semblance of security in order to become uninhibited enough to climax, let alone climb on top of you and give you a full view of her body at the mercy of motion and gravity. She may not be sure enough of her feelings for you and your feelings for her. Maybe she really likes you and is still nervous. Maybe you just like different things and she has to get more used to your habits and preferences. This potential situation may also be fixed with time and increased familiarity.

And now, here’s my customary stab at being psychic:

People change their sexual behaviour as their lives go on, sometimes whether they want to or not. What works for you at 15 will not necessarily work for you at 20, what works for you at 20 may not work for you at 25. Et cetera and so on. I don’t know what you heard from your, uh, friends, but maybe your girlfriend has started a ‘lay there and moan’ phase since the time she knew… them.

There’s no one reason why this happens. In this case, whether you meant to or not, you’ve inferred here that she has been promiscuous in the past, by kind of saying that she came with great recommendations. I know that when some women go through periods of feeling antagonized, they can become very passive about sex, craving contact and validation from another human being, but retreating into themselves for the duration of the actual act, because other people have been hurting them and they are afraid to feel anything remotely like humiliation or rejection. Maybe she gets that guys are talking about her. Maybe she perceived on some level that you’re expecting something of her based on some kind of reputation she’s built, or just had imposed upon her, and maybe she is fighting that by demanding that you do all the work. Maybe you need to examine the way you think of her, and consider the likelihood that you are unwittingly giving her the message that you are only valuing her for what you’ve heard she’s capable of.

In summary, the only thing that I am absolutely sure would help in all scenarios, including the three I just presented, is, you guessed it, yes, yes, TALKING.

How do you know she’s not climaxing? If you’ve talked about this at all, you’re on the right track, but maybe she’s not being as vocal about her orgasms as you’re expecting she would be, and that can be a problem, too.

And what are you like during sex? Are you being encouraging? Do you tell her she’s beautiful and make it audible that you’re having a good time? Or do you just lay there, soundless and expectant? It works both ways: sullen is rarely sexy to anybody.

And, another thing: if you feel like you know better what she should be doing on top, have you thought to just tell her?

I ALMOST FORGOT: the HOW. HOW do you talk to her. Well, nicely, for starters. This type of concern is often brought up in the heat of frustration. You really risk putting it off until you can't stand the situation any more, creating the perfect conditions for a volcanic eruption of stupid.

Don't try a point blank question like, 'what is wrong with you?' Bring it up casually, perhaps right after sex when you're laying around together, and ask her questions like, 'does it make you uncomfortable to be on top?' Or make an observation like, 'sometimes when we're having sex, you don't look like you're enjoying yourself,' and follow it up with, 'are you enjoying yourself?' And try thinking of it like something you may have control over, as opposed to some poor service you're getting from some kind of wait staff, and ask her, 'is there anything I can do differently?'

I’m glad you wrote, and I'm glad to respond, but you really need to talk to her, for the love of God.