She's Just Not That Into Waiting For You

Do you believe the whole. "He's just not that into you?" Sure, when he's not calling, or blowing you off a bunch for his friends or doesn't call when he says he will, i get it. he's probably not that into you and we make excuses for people all the time. I was in the relationship of this kind and wish i had the book then.

I have a hard time believing that when they say (in the book), "If a guy really likes you, he will ask you out. No matter what."
That's fine and all, but how do you let a guy know that you are even interested? The book says that if he likes me, he will ask me out. Do I wait forever for this guy to work up the courage to ask me out or should i let him know i'm into him?And if so, how do i go about doing this?
The books idea is, if he's not asking you out, he's probably just not that into you. Do I move on?

Help!


Sometime after He’s Just Not That Into You came out in book form, I was somewhere on the more positive side of indifferent about it. I skimmed it at the bookstore and noted the realistic tone and the message that you detail in your first paragraph, there, about how not calling and blow-offs equal disinterest. 'NICE, RIGHT ON,' I thought, and then sauntered off for an appointment with a guy I would confront and then break up with a little while later, after I’d forgotten about the book, for, you know, not calling and blowing me off.

But you know what? It turns out he wasn’t actually disinterested. He was just jerking me around because he thought if he looked disinterested, it would make me all the more interested. Too bad that that works sometimes, eh? Some women find nothing more attractive than a man who pays her absolutely no mind and some men know the Hell out of that one and try to base some moves on it. Does the book raise that possibility? No calls + avoidance = disinterested OR passive-aggressive? Not that you’d want passive-aggressive either; Regardless of the reasons it may or may not cite, HJNTIY encourages us to avoid wasting ourselves on people who don’t call and don’t try to see us, and that’s probably good enough. I’d say, call on that behaviour once, but not twice if you can help it and definitely not three times.

So while the book can be helpful (that is, if you’re not the type of lady who will actually just get sick of that treatment and cut him loose, no questions asked), maybe it can’t have everything right, as you seem to have detected. Case in point, this whole asking-out business.

As a straight woman, I like being asked out by men, but I am mega uncomfortable with the idea that I risk being turned down more often when I do the same because if a man was actually attracted to me he would have approached me already. I think this concept reinforces some negative things about traditional gender roles. It encourages men to be forward, it encourages women to be passive, and cute timid men and sexy confident women are just… wrong?

True, some men are like what the book says (though I suspect more men were like that in, uh, the ‘50s). But you’ve got to leave room for the boy who goes after what he wants, but takes a while to realize what that is. And for the boy who seems outgoing and go-getting but is kind of a baby about other things – a man can fear rejection just as much as a woman can, thanks. And for the boy who would make a great companion if he could only make eye contact with you.

So I'm all for the confrontational 'LET'S DATE' from women to men, but it doesn't seemlike you are there yet. How to proceed?

Let's assume for the sake of direction that he's just not considering you. Yet. Because I wouldn't encourage you to pursue someone who clearly has no interest in you, and just in case he isn't secretly in love with you.

Too many people get discouraged because the person they have a crush on doesn't magically feel exactly the same way about them. If he's not considering you yet, it's possible to win him over. Think about the following: What is your connection to him? Where is he in your life? Do you have regular contact? Do you have any mutual friends? Use your answers to these questions to determine how you can become more familiar. Say hi. Smile. Make conversation, even if you have to sit down and think for a while about things you could talk about (don't overthink it, but it never hurts to be prepared). Organize group things you may invite him to as a platonic friend (that means no pressure on either of you) so he can see what you're like with others and so you can just be with him more often. The more you see each other, the more organically things can happen. Maybe you'll reach a point where he'll make a move. Maybe you'll get comfortable enough to make a move.

And if he won’t cooperate, let him go and be as unattainable to you as he pleases. You might be better off.