Guest columnists!

Oh hey! I’ve heard from some people who want to lend their $0.02 to what we discussed last week here at TSW. I say: wicked.

First, we have someone weighing in on Thursday’s child, who was having some difficulty with his girlfriend’s online conduct, or rather, the online conduct of others towards her and her handling of it:

I would have to say that the girl I am currently seeing is by far one of the most beautiful women on this planet. She gets a lot of attention whenever we go out and online, especially on her Face Book. I, too, have to read through plenty of off-kilter, uncalled for, disrespectful and perverted comments directed at her on her Face Book (some of them from boys proclaiming their love!), and it does stir up a lot of bad feelings. The jealousy comes from the fact that she is not saying "Hey man, back off" and just lets these assholes objectify her without thinking how it might make me feel, and the anger comes from some douche bag who doesn't respect me, her, or our relationship which, thanks to FB statuses, is very much public.

I would suggest asking her nicely to tell these dead beats to... uhh... beat it. Let her know how much it bothers you, especially on a public forum where it can make you look like the push-over. Or do what I do; acknowledge that that shit is going on and make a similar wall post to shut him up. What can I say, I'm a vindictive dude! I have only been with my girl for about 2 months, but it is really intense and if it means talking to her about it or dissing some "bro" on her wall in public to save the relationship, I say then so be it!

*Shrug* Well put, stranger! It’s a slightly more confrontational approach, but at the core I agree: he’s more than O.K. to say something about it. You also raise a good point, and I don’t know if I had made this clear: these things can put a strain on the dynamic between a couple. I don’t know if it’s a matter of saving the relationship, but it’s better to act (rationally!) than to let resentment well up inside of you.

On Friday, somebody wrote in with some timely questions concerning the latest relationship philosophy phenomenon, He’s Just Not That Into You, namely: Do I really wait for the guy I like to approach me, and how can I show him I’m interested?

One lady kind of disagreed with me… I think:

If a guy really likes you, he WILL ask you out. NO MATTER WHAT.
If a guy might like you, but thinks you won't go out with him and therefore doesn't pursue you...that is because he is letting his own negative self esteem TRUMP his feelings for you and his ability to ask you out. Of course, it doesn't mean that he's "not that into you" but it DOES mean that "he's not that into you" if he has to risk actually asking you out. I know this probably doesn't make sense because you are thinking "but if he likes me, and i like him, then we should go out!" but the thing is that we, as females, go through the same thing...but if we REALLY REALLY REALLY liked a guy...we would let them know. and it is not a big deal to us. (or maybe it is, but we get over it and ask them out.)

If a guy isn't willing to do the same, then he's not THAT into you. He's into you...but not THAT into you. If a guy were really into you the way he SHOULD BE INTO YOU, then he would ask you because life would not be worth living if he didn't have the chance to get to know you better.

Furthermore, guys pursue girls that don't like them and are VERY CLEAR that they don't like them all the time....and guys never get the hint! Conversely, girls always pursue guys that don't really like them....they read into every little act and gesture and then ascribe a heightened sense or meaning to it that isn't really there... For example: "OMG, he sat next to me in class, he's GOT to like me!!!" "Actually...he sat next to you because it was the last open seat in class....wake up?!"

All I'm saying is that a guy doesn't need to know you're into him to ask you out. He will ask you out because he likes you PERIOD. After all, we aren't in junior high anymore. People don't go around telling other people "Hey....So-and-So likes you so you should ask them out." We all know how those relationships worked....they lasted for what?? A day? Maybe 2 weeks at the most....


I’m sorry if it came across like I was encouraging our letter writer to get her friends to set her up with her crush like it’s recess at Degrassi in 1987. By asking if she and he had mutual friends, I just meant that if they did, it’s an indication of how close they are socially and how much time she’s already spending with him. When you’re hanging out with the same people, it’s a start!

But know what I remember about junior high? Everybody tended to become absolutely smitten with others while actually understanding or even knowing very little about them as people. When it became apparent that you liked someone, if they liked you back, you were boyfriend and girlfriend. There was absolutely no building action. It was a simple time.

But it wasn’t a great time. You were up and down, hot and cold. Nobody really thought much about romance, but nobody was the least bit casual about it either. Thank God for adulthood, when dating became about testing the waters and just seeing how you felt and opening your heart to possibilities you wouldn’t have considered when you were a Backstreet Boys fan.

Thank God we learned that feelings can grow over time and that we don’t have to wait for someone we REALLY, REALLY-REALLY are THAT into to come along before we, you know, imbibe (don't lead people on when you know they aren't it for you, or when you know they want something very serious immediately and you're not ready, but otherwise give them a whirl is all I'm saying).

And thank God it’s not necessarily a waste of time to see someone you’re not obsessed with, because that someone might surprise us.

Thank God that we don’t have to lament if a person isn’t as taken with us as we are with them, because maybe the case is they just don’t know you well enough yet.

Thank God it’s a two-way street, too, and men can be just as open as women, and women can be just as proactive as men. Isn’t it great to be an adult?

What you say definitely makes lots of sense; I'm not sure we're disagreeing so much as you're just fleshing out what the book says. I already understood: if someone really REALLY likes somebody, like a LOT, they won’t let their shyness get in the way of something they really KNOW will make them happy.

… Probably. I mean, I could see it.

But while perfectly good men who end up miserable (either alone, or with the wrong person) because they never get the courage to approach anybody they were REALLY, TRULY, VERY MUCH into, are not the norm, they do exist. And I think we can give human beings too much credit – a lot of people, some of them man-people, are pretty passive and easy-going, and just are never that certain about anybody, or even come to consider anybody, until that anybody says, in the words of Abba, “take a chance on me.” Maybe that’s not attractive to some women, maybe that’s not enough for you, maybe you want somebody who will feel very strongly about you from the beginning, but some of us are, I don’t know, disillusioned?

It’s true, and I didn’t think to make the aside: some guys don’t necessarily need to be encouraged. Some really don’t take a hint! But you know that kind of conviction is not something that can happen to every person concerning a person they aren’t already seeing. And, I’ll just put it out there: the likelihood of a man or woman feeling that type of unrelenting conviction increases if they’re mentally unbalanced. Just because Ol’ Crazy will chase the pants off you doesn’t mean Big Sexy will.

I got another reply to this letter:

So, writing as a man, I'd like to say that the book you're talking about is horseshit.

Okay, maybe that's being a bit presumptuous. I haven't read the book, but after seeing what was here I did a wee bit of research. The authors of this book are people who work on (awful) television shows and comedy routines, so I'm not sure why we should be taking them as authorities on the male psyche to begin with, but I digress. Everything I've seen suggests that the book implies a farcical overgeneralization of all men: we think in simple yes/no dichotomies and our only mating strategy is to pursue a woman at all times, at all costs. If it's not clear by my tone already: this is blatantly false.

Men can be every bit as complicated as women when it comes to how we think about relationships. We often have just as many emotional hangups and anxieties when it comes to this sort of thing as women do. And I suppose that's what bothers me the most: As M. aptly notes, this book upholds outdated gender stereotypes which, most of the time, only serve to fuck up our relationship problems even further.

And then another guy summed up:

I have a real problem with "love manuals" or what have you that try and tell us how EVERY SINGLE MAN/WOMAN behaves. Everybody is different and shows their love in different ways, and everybody wants to be treated different kinds of ways.

That pretty much hits the nail on the head, for me. Like I said on Friday, you have to make some allowances for the fact that there are different types of people.

If our letter-writer wants to let the dude be the one to make a move, I did support that. Like I said, the book does have a good point, that philosophy about the guy coming to the girl may stand a good chance of being right, statistically. But I do think that if she wants to try to increase her chances or be proactive, if it’s right for her, she can be a little aggressive, even if it’s just something as simple as making herself more familiar and visible. Her own intuition and style seems to be telling her that there are some aspects of a book (which she found useful, otherwise) she can’t really get behind, and I think, all things considered, she might as well go with that.