Reunited? Will it feel so good?

I broek up with my boyfriend and we've decided to become friends with the intention of dating again soon. When we're together, it's the most beautiful thing ever. When we're apart I see all kind of flaws and problems. Lately he's been giving me the impression that he might not want to date again and that I'm a tramp, yet continues to tell me he loves me and wants to be with me forever. Should I wait for him or move on?

I wonder why you first broke up. I wonder what you could tell me about what’s good about him (without identifying him). I wonder what kind of problems you perceive in him or your dynamic once you get some distance between you. I wonder what he does or says that gives you the impression that he’s going to back out and that he might think you’re a tramp. I wonder what ‘tramp’ means in this context, because people have, you know, varying ideas about it. I remember when it meant boxcar-travelin' hobo, for example. What’s ‘trampy’ to this guy? It could be anything from being too homeless or liking trains a lot to paying lots of attention to other people (but technically, you’re not together, right?) or being intimate with strangers for money or favours. But I can gather that whatever it is to him, it’s negative. What could you be doing to lead anybody who says he loves you and wants to be with you forever to give the occasional impression he sees you as a ‘tramp’ in the non-vagrant sense? Is he being fair?

I guess what I’m leading up to here is a big fat “I could be wrong.” No offense, I get the need to protect your identity and that of your boyfriend, but I’m kind of forced to make some assumptions here.

It could be very positive that you have this history with each other, having dated once before and then managing to be friends after your breakup. Being friends after is really hard, you guys, and when it happens it’s either a matter of huge strength of character on the part of one or both of you, or a lasting (sometimes completely platonic, but also sometimes possibly WILDLY ROMANTIC) connection. And, you know, I’ve heard lots of stories about my parents and my friends’ parents breaking up and then getting back together and everything working out in the end. Having a breakup in your mutual past can kind of strengthen your relationship’s cred, right? Yeah!

But it could also set a precedent, making you one of those annoying couples who are always on again, off again. There are lots of reasons that vicious cycles like those get their beginnings. Maybe one or both parties of the couple are afraid of change and tend to slip back into unsatisfying arrangements and destructive patterns of behaviour because they’re comfortable, and the old situation feels a lot like ‘the most beautiful thing ever’ in contrast to being alone. Maybe one doesn’t want to be single while the other one finds someone else. Maybe one is afraid that the other won’t be happy without them – or, as I’ve also seen in the past, one does not want to be responsible for making the other one unhappy, and that’s a deceptively selfish motivation, right there. Maybe a person doesn’t want to make the other person feel sad and lonely, but mainly because that will make the first person feel guilty and the first person doesn’t want to feel guilty.

Let me reiterate: annoying. On-and-off is super annoying, especially when it’s also up-and-down. Some people think they’re just having a fiery love affair and they fight and break up and make up so often because their love is just so volatile and spicy and other adjectives also related to indigestion. I’ve lived downstairs from enough couples who throw T.V.s out their windows to know that this makes me want to puke. At the end of the day, people should not be taking too much pleasure in how dramatic they can get with a partner. It’s toxic, it’s bad for your soul, and I need my rest, so please move to opposite ends of the earth. Or just, away from me. I’m trying to write some advice here. For crying out loud.

I digress a little. Love does not run hot and cold, not at this stage. Of course, people in committed long term relationships don’t always feel super in love with each other, but this is not the best foot on which to start or even resume a relationship. It would be different if you were married people on a trial separation, where you’re apart and there’s considerably more pressure to patch things up. I get the feeling that this is not do-or-die.

That you sometimes change your mind about him when you get some perspective does not necessarily mean you can’t love this person, but it could very well mean that you’re not in love with him at this time in your life. Does this mean you shouldn’t get back together? It depends on what you want for yourself right now. I also don’t know how old you are, so I don't have an indication of whether you’re concerned about a potentially inconsequential relationship getting in the way of a potentially really important one that may be on the way. Your involvement with this guy may be scaring off someone really hot and fascinating.

That he’s kind of inconsistent with you is actually alarming to me, though. If he’s capable of giving you these negative signals, and especially if he is actually in his own mind feeling this negativity towards you sometimes, maybe it's irresponsible for him to be making declarations of undying love to you. He might be a little immature.

So, I guess, in summary: There’s the breaking up couple that can’t stay away from each other, and there’s the breaking up couple that can’t get away from each other, and you don’t want to be the latter. If you’re willing to entertain the possibility of moving on, there’s nothing wrong with that, and you should probably do it.javascript:void(0)