Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

I am the most cynical human being on the face of this Earth. I suffer from clinical depression, and with the weather right now, I'm not the happiest camper.

I am currently dating the prettiest, happiest, most positive girl in the world, and I'm finding it hard to keep up. In such a short time (more than two months) we have fallen completely in love with one another. The problem is that she is in Vancouver, and I am here in New Brunswick; two opposite sides of the country. She will not be back living in my city (which is where she's originally from) until the summer.

The loneliness is really getting to me, waiting for her to come home from fashion school. This makes me a very unpleasant person to talk to, and my social life is confined to Facebook and my apartment as I find that nothing is really fun without her. I am a big grumpy mess, and recently, I've been finding that I have been taking it out on her a lot as she is the only one I really talk to anymore. I get angry when she doesn't show up on time for Skype dates. I get jealous when she tells me how much fun she is having on her weekends.

She is bright, intelligent, funny, comes from a wealthy family, and is going to a good school that costs a lot of money. Now, I know that money and stuff doesn't mean anything to her when it comes to our relationship NOW since we are so young (21 and 25), but I am a university drop out from a lower-middle class family, living paycheck to paycheck, trying to fight off a couple grand in debt, constantly worrying if I'll ever bounce back.

She is incredible, and I do not want to bring her down into my shit hole. The more I think about how I might be bumming her out with my depression when she has no reason to be, I start to feel insecure and that I don't deserve her or that I will only let her down in the end.

How can someone like me with so much love in their heart for a special person like her get over his own insecurities and unhappiness to make the one he loves happy? I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.

Thanks.


Ugh, my heart. You seem like a very sweet, repentant person, and I’ve been in a few long-distance relationships myself, so my shoulders drooped in a special way when I read your letter. Your life, as a long-distance lover, is one of insane highs and miserable lows. You might have lots of people telling you long-distance is a crock. It's true that mine were miserable, and that none of them worked out, but those guys just weren't for me -- I can't blame the long-distance, seeing as I'm happier without them (though I may have been able to tell they weren't right for me if I'd been seeing them more often). Most of the cons people cite about long-distance relationships are reasons to avoid them when you can, not dissolve ones that are already in progress. Anyway, I'm actually not going to discourage you, there.

Lots of people feel like their partner is the best thing they have going on, but it’s that much worse when you’re actually having bad times in other areas of your life, and even worse when you don’t even have your significant other around. Add something like clinical depression to the mix, and it’s hard to have perspective on your life.

You want to be good for her -- happy, successful (whatever your definition of that is) and not unkind to her like you risk when you’re frustrated about Skype commitments and her social life -- and you want to be not miserable for yourself. One of Oprah’s friends once said ‘you need to be a whole before you can be part of a couple.’ The main thing, maybe the obvious thing, is take care of yourself.

About stuff like finances: All you can do is work as hard as you can, and the pay-off happens when it happens. You need to really accept you’re doing the best you can, for your own good, because you don’t help anybody by worrying. What you can dwell on, though, is how to work on yourself. Not just to be an impressive handsome guy, but to feel good, most important of all.

Everybody says ‘get counseling.’ I say that too, of course, if it’s possible for you. If you’re in school and you’re not happy, milk counseling services for all they’re worth while you can. A lot of employers, especially the major ones, offer programs that people can access mental health practitioners through, too. Speak to your family doctor about your situation, and they might have some options for you as well.

But above and beyond that: Are you eating well? Vitamin D is crucial when it comes to mood, especially this time of year, so if you can pick up a bottle of supplements and a fish filet to steam every now and then (if you eat fish), that will make a world of difference. You also get vitamin D from the sun, so you need to get outside where you can see the light for a few minutes any time it comes out from behind the February clouds.

Are you exercising? I would actually advise against joining a gym unless you know you’ll go there. Attaching the whole commuting element, besides the financial one that comes with having a gym membership, makes it easier to not exercise. Take walks in the cold air with a big bottle of water. I know a guy who takes a sheet, fills it with dirty laundry, ties it to his ceiling, and punches at it for an hour before he goes to bed at night. Push-ups? Serotonin, you guys. Serotonin makes exercise so good for depression (and exercise passes the time like gangbusters).

How are you sleeping? Sometimes going to bed late and waking up late really affects your mood and outlook. If you don’t have a work (or Skype) schedule that makes it impossible, even if you don’t have to get up until later, try getting up around 9 a.m. every day. That one’s just a thought. It does work for me, I have to say.

What really makes me sit up and take notice here, though, are your last few lines:

I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.

You said a little further up in your letter that going out doesn’t really interest you and you’re not much fun to be around anyway, because everything pales in comparison to time spent with her, but it also seems like somewhere in your heart you’re a little afraid something could happen out there that might jeopardize things with Ladybug. Someone else might say, ‘well you don’t love her enough, if you think you’ll cheat if you try to go out and have some fun.’ That isn’t what I would say, though.

I wonder if, on some level, maybe subconsciously, in an effort to keep from making mistakes you made before, you’re doing the opposite of what you would usually do because you are just that determined where this girl is concerned. You say you're cynical, but I bet you were a pretty social person despite that (otherwise it's a little harder to be unfaithful), and while you may have had some important romantic relationships, they maybe took more of a back seat to having fun. There’s nothing wrong with that, until you want to be very serious about someone. However, when that time comes, you can’t let your relationship become the thing in your life. You have just got to find more stuff to do and think about, like she has done, otherwise you really risk making her crazy.

This may be something to consider: What has sex meant to you in the past? There are some people who just really like it a lot, but there are scads of people who are addicted to the validation that comes from it. A lot of people in committed, monogamous, but long-distance relationships feel worthless when they’re not getting any (a lot of people in committed, monogamous local relationships feel worthless when they’re only getting it from one person, I might add). When they hit that low, they forget all about who they love, and it doesn’t come back to them until regret sets in. That’s not an excuse, by any means, but if you find that this could be you, it’s a new way to think about and try to make sense of your past behaviour. Time spent considering that could help you find the key to a fulfilling social life while she’s away, and it’ll most definitely benefit your future with her.

Regardless of whether I'm right or not here, bear in mind: Spring, and the end of the school year, is coming soon.