I wanna be your dog

So I open up your blog and the first submission I see is about rules. No offense to the person who submitted it because I was wondering the same thing. But why are women so freaking obsessed with rules? I'm not surprised there is a book but do you think guys will actually read this shit? Not likely. Do you know what most guys do in their spare time? Something that we understand. Take hockey for example, I know what determines an offside, a penalty or a goal because its pretty well defined. When it comes to women, not so much. I only find out the rules when I break them and suffer the emotional wrath built up by all of the men who have wronged her before me (and her friends and Julia Roberts).

So how about some constructive criticism? Should I talk to women on buses or other forms of public transportation (subway, trains, airplanes)? Are drinking establishments the only places to meet women? Yoga classes sure as hell don't work. Honestly, texting doesn't fucking count as talking to me, because its just another way to avoid honesty and face to face conversation. If you cancel a date then call me on the telephone. Remember what phones use to be for? The last girl I was seeing broke up with me by email, how cool is that? I didn't have Facebook at the time so she couldn't use that I guess. What about a girl who invites me twice to her birthday party (greaser guy/pin-up doll theme) and then I go downtown looking like a sleazy Elvis and it turns out that plans changed slightly and people didn't dress up. Do you know why dogs are man's best friend, because women aren't reliable and we can communicate with dogs a hell of a lot easier and we totally get their body language. Its simple, direct and increases in urgency with time

So my point is let me in on all of these rules or give me some positive feedback...I'm only human and I don't even own a dog.


I called my mother long-distance and read your letter to her, because, like me, she enjoys a good tirade.

“RIGHT on,” she half-shouted. I heard my Dad grunt in the way he does when she startles him. “Women need to be honest and stop expecting men to guess what they’re thinking. You know those Brontë girls?”

“Charlotte, Anne and Emily,” I volunteered.

“Yeah, and that Jane Austen. Their books are good books, but women love books from that time because they miss the point, the whole social commentary thing, and they think it was such a romantic way to live in the 18th and 19th century with all the ceremony and the- I don’t think none of that is romantic.”

“No?”

“NO. The men pursued the women, and the women got married if they made the right moves in the game and got the men to make the right moves in the game, and after the wedding their lives were over. Those people didn’t die happy, don’t tell me they did.”

It’s been a while since my mother read any Jane Austen, but I think her take on the social structure of that time and any fascination people still have with it is really interesting. She feels that when people focus on rules too much, they lose sight of the end goal of the courting game – happiness with a companion – and focus instead on… points. Points for looks, points for wealth, points for social connections, points for just doing or saying the right thing at the right time. And then people end up together and they wonder why.

While she only makes generalizations when she’s keyed up about something on the telephone, Mother does suspect that women are more likely to participate in this nigglingly analytic and somewhat sadistic behaviour than men. Not because it comes naturally to them, but because she thinks it’s one of those negative gender stereotypes that some people revel in perpetuating.

People of either sex are capable of being catty, two-faced, vain, superficial, feather-brained and high-strung. Unfortunately, these traits are often thought of as female clichés, and a good deal of the people who think of them as female clichés are actually females who will actually luxuriate in this weak shit as if its part of being proudly feminine. Those females need to sit down and shut up.

BUT YOU KNOW, people of either sex are capable of being slovenly, sports-analogy-obsessed, insensitive, bullish, boorish, crude and willfully simple-minded, but those are often thought of as male clichés, and a lot of men seem to get off on displaying those behaviours and thinking how great they are at being guys.

Besides thinking you had a great point, Mom also thought you sounded a tad on the hypocritical side. We’re not saying that you’re all these bad things – we don’t even know you, and no matter what you’re really like, we both agree the girls in your anecdotes have not been giving you a fair shake; an e-mail breakup? Those coming from both women and men make me ashamed to be a human being.

But why complain that all women are alike (cruel, confusing), when you seem to represent yourself as the typical guy? By making these divisions between men and women and by perpetuating the stereotype of the impatient, woman-confounded man, you might be part of the problem. Maybe you’re even attracting classic female crazy because you’re giving off classic male mystified. That might just be something to think about.

What can you do, though, in the meantime? Pointers, eh? It’s going to depend on what you’re looking for. I’m not sure what that is, but I’ll do my best.

People always say ‘be yourself,’ and we often think it’s because they want us to have good self-esteem and not get stuck in weird teen-sitcom-like personas. I think you need to bear in mind that if you’re not yourself, you actually risk looking dishonest, untrustworthy, mildly evil, or worst of all, desperate.

You must know that some women feel weird about being out and out hit on by strangers, because it’s hard to look and sound genuine when you are feeding somebody a line. They might be thinking stuff like, ‘Who are you? What are you trying to get out of me?’ and they might get the urge to mangle your ego and crush your soul because how dare you come sniffin’ ‘round here ya betta MIIIIIIIIIND YO BUSINESS- (ahem).

Not all of us are so distrustful, and not all of us are looking for something all that pure, but you can’t always tell what anybody is looking for at first sight – this is not women being complicated, this is women being diverse, just as men are diverse. And so, a man who is actually good at flirting doesn’t necessarily know a lot of clever things to say or all the right places to go.

Basically, he’s a genuine guy who knows he can get by by just communicating what is on his mind: thinking that he'd like to kiss a girl and then smiling at her as if he'd like to kiss her, because he knows, as a genuine guy, he can’t make a woman feel manipulated or preyed upon by acting how he's feeling, and that's good because she might not be into being manipulated or preyed upon.

And buddy: if you find that feeling what you're feeling and letting it show on your face and in your actions isn’t working for you, then maybe you need to take a good hard look at what’s on your mind. Maybe women can tell that you just want a dog.

And everybody: call your mother.