Lies, lies, lies ye-ah.

hi

this is a little unorthodox but I could use your advice. it's difficult to explain this but I've had this close friend for a few years and found out a few months back, through a few unlikely conversations and events, that he would fabricate stories about his love life. and not just stories, but full blown lies, all of them about sex that never happened.
I did eventually bring this up, but he kind of failed to explain why it was necessary to lie to me, because I don't care. also, my friend also rushes to me with any romantic developments in his love life, and naturally I always role my eyes a bit.
I'm not at all sure what to do or say, or even what my own feelings are, exactly.


Sometimes we rationalize the dickly things we do and say with rules we make up for use in the confines of our own brain. Liars (and many gossips) can use this one: “If it is something that is possible or believable, I can say it.” And, if such a lie has the potential to be very successful, because the liar comes to feel more and more that the lie will never be found out, it becomes a part of the reality the liar tends construct for himself or herself.

This is why at least some liars lie: they have misunderstood the concept of reality (think... the whole Law of Attraction thing, then get it hooked on heroin). They come to place a lot of importance on what is believed by others, as opposed to what is actually true. They may not feel attractive unless someone is telling them they look OK. They might not feel like they're having fun until somebody tells them they look like they're having fun. Perception becomes an interesting idea to them, and then they come to be able to feel like they are rich, for example, even though they're poor, if they can feel like they're convincing someone else that they are rich.

You say you don't see why it was necessary for him to lie to you, and that you don't care. The thing is, his lies were likely most for his benefit. If you could believe them, then he could believe them too.

So, your friend is a liar, and that must make it hard for you to respect or trust him. But consider this:

Just because he lies about a certain area of his life doesn't mean he lies about everything. It doesn't sound like he's selling you up the river or ripping you off or anything. It's not OK to lie, but you're likely not in any danger of suffering for your friendship with this person.

As it turns out, there are few people on earth that can shoulder the burden of being perfect for others. Our Dads cease looking superhuman to us sooner or later. All girlfriends have the potential turn into wives or live-in partners who wipe their makeup off and fart and eat all the cereal in one day, and/or mothers who destroy their breasts feeding children and let anger and annoyance mark their faces as the years go on. Just because you've caught your friend looking weird and pathetic is no reason to jettison him from your life, simply because most people will disappoint you.

I am not telling you to disregard this, or that you're a bad friend if you don't want to tolerate this sort of thing. While it's true that most people will disappoint you, it's also true that we're just not meant to be madly in love some people. While I'm reluctant to paint your friend as a dangerous sociopath, the impulse to 'role' your eyes is bang on. And hey, maybe he needs somebody to roll their eyes at him.

And so I say, return any bullshit you feel you're getting from him with honesty. If he gets mad and alienated, just think that you've done him a huge favour by not indulging him, and that you probably won't have to listen to his lying ass as often anymore.

And now this song is in my head.