i started dating someone over the christmas break, but she is a grad student in a different city from where i live. before she went back to school we decided to try to have a long-distance relationship. so far i think it has gone quite well, i guess. i am really not sure because i have no other long-distance relationship to compare it too, but it feels like it is going well.
i think we could potentially have a good relationship; we get along well and have a lot of fun together. i think i could love her and probably even fall in love with her, and we would probably have a meaningful relationship. but i have been having some doubts lately. i don't really feel any 'sparks'. i don't have pleasant little thoughts of her while i walk to school, she doesn't pop into my head throughout the day, and i don't think of sweet things i could do for her. i am just not sure how seriously to take these doubts.
it could just be the fact that i haven't seen her in a couple months [skpye and email make poor alternatives], so such feelings haven't really had a chance to grow [like in a petry dish]. it also could be my own self-destructiveness coming to add his own two cents. i do have a history of getting uneasy about relationships i am in even though i am happy and they are good for me. chalk it up to some sort of insecurity or fear of relationships i guess? so i sometimes don't take these feelings all too serious.
as well do i really need these sparks? i think i will be happy if we continue on even with out the butterflies and whatnot. maybe this is just part of being an adult; not all relationships make your knees buckle and keep you up at night. but at the same time i don't really want to settle and do something which is logical [horrible word but i can't think of a better one] but i am not fully into emotionally.
the plan is for me to go visit her over march break. but i find myself kinda hesitant to go. should i go or would it be dishonest of me to do so with how i am feeling? or should i go and try to determine where these feelings are coming from?
You’re probably on March break already. I’m sorry I didn’t get to your letter sooner, but I hope you went on your trip. More on what I think later. Self-professed male and overall intelligent and well-read guy Richard McRichardson (NOT HIS REAL NAME) has volunteered to tackle this one with me:
First, the good news: It seems like you're doing a good job at being honest with yourself about your feelings without jumping to conclusions. It's always good to have a clear mind about things, but in this case it seems like you're trying to juggle too many perspectives at once and need a hand putting things in order. The bottom line is that I think you've already answered your own problems when you say that you think you will be happy if you continue on "even without the butterflies and whatnot." This relationship may not feel like others you've been through before but that doesn't mean it isn't valuable or that it can't be fulfilling in its own way. You say that you'll be happy without the butterflies and sparks for now, so, y'know what? BE happy without them for now, and worry about the future when the future comes. People's feelings do change over time and some relationships see those sparks arriving a little later than others, and some never see them at all, but that doesn't mean you're wasting your time or that you ought to give up on things just yet.
As for your "self-destructiveness" and history of uneasiness with relationships that are otherwise going well: it sounds like you need to apply the same honesty you're capable of elsewhere to that side of your thinking. You haven't really said enough about this tendency for me to offer any sort of tangible advice on it, but I can say that if you let this sort of negative thought pattern go unchecked it can and will ruin a lot of good things for you in the future. Maybe you'll always be stuck with that uneasy feeling creeping up from time to time, but hopefully you can get to the point with yourself where you're able to see it for what it is and dismiss it without too much further thought.
Now, the bad news: Long distance relationships are HARD, especially if your heart isn't in it 100%. That doesn't mean that you two are doomed, but it does mean that you'll have to put in a little extra effort from time to time. You may not have much more than skype and e-mail at your disposal, but do what you can to make communication a regular thing. You don't need to be in touch 24/7, but try to make (and keep) your e-mail correspondance and skype sessions a regular thing. If you find yourself dreading your skype conversations or considering it an awful chore to keep up with this person by e-mail, that's when I'd suggest that it's time to revisit your feelings about the whole thing.
Would it be dishonest of you to go visit her for the March break? The fact that you aren't shitting rainbows about this girl doesn't mean that it's dishonest of you to spend some time with someone whose company you enjoy. It's a visit, not a marriage proposal, and it only becomes dishonest if you blow its significance out of proportion. Go see her and have a good time - if nothing else you can use this as a good opportunity to see how you feel about her again once you're face-to-face with her and not just communicating over the internet.
One final note: when actors learn how to portray certain emotions and feelings on-stage one thing they often focus on is mimicking some of the physical signs of those emotions - things like breathing patterns, posture, and facial expressions. When you put your body into a certain state you can help convince your mind to follow along with it, and so these actors are able to feel sadness, anger, joy, or what-have-you by initiating it with their bodies first and letting their minds follow. The point of me bringing this up is to suggest that maybe you're overthinking things a little, and that you might feel better about this relationship if you just let yourself go and went with it. Being physically apart from someone you care about makes it difficult to experience the physical side of your emotions (I'm talking about things like smiles, eye contact, and basic body contact for those of you with minds stuck in the gutter), so maybe you should try tapping into the physical side of your feelings a bit more and letting your mind follow along. Smile when you're writing to her or having a conversation on skype and there's a good chance you'll sound - and feel - cheerier. If there were any problems here I'd suggest that you put some effort into working them out, but it seems to me as if all of your issues are born of your own imagination. Ignore your unfounded inner-naysaying and go into your March break trip with the expectation that you're going to have fun and, with any luck, you might just end up having a great time.
Hmm, interesting. Tomorrow: my reaction.
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