The letter about the mother-in-law got me thinking about my own boyfriends' mom. He's kind of had some false-starts, professionally and financially-speaking, and so he's in some debt in his early 20s. His parents are well-off financially, and his Mom sees nothing wrong with handing him a few hundred every couple of months. She even took it upon herself to order us some furniture (we live together, but we're nowhere near being engaged it's really more for convenience and money-saving), without really asking what we would like, and is always buying him plane tickets for him to go see them in the States. I think her hearts is in the right place, but I kind of resent the meddling in our lives, and I don't like the way it looks when his mother is giving him money... it's hard for me to respect him, and I feel like it's not going to help him get out of debt to have somebody there to just catch him when he falls. What can I do about this?
The idea that it's wrong to let your parents do things for you comes from an immature understanding of what maturity is. Yeah, adults take care of themselves, but they also possess a good degree of sensitivity and tend to understand their adult relationships with their parents and how they change and the rate at which they should change. If you respond to a few bucks for groceries from your little Mommy, when you actually need it, with something like, “Thanks but no thanks,” you're actually depriving your mother who worries about you the good feeling she gets from knowing you're a little better taken care of for the time being, and for what? The sake of feeling a little better about yourself? Actual grown-ups don't have to put on airs about being grown-ups.
It is a little unsexy to see somebody sponging off of his or her parents into adulthood, but that is not what you've said is going on here. You said he's had a few false-starts. You've said it's a couple hundred, and I know personally that a few hundred in today's economy is just a drop in the bucket. You make it sound like he's trying, and I think, personally, that suffering is a little overrated -- see the above paragraph on immature ideas about maturity; it's a little silly of you to require this guy to struggle for your respect. And the plane tickets? Life is too short to not be with your family as much as you can, if you're lucky enough to have a family you want to be near.
You're making a mistake by believing that what this man's mother does for him should have anything to do with you at this stage, let alone by being personally offended by the whole thing. Is it that you think she's rubbing it in your face that you are not in a position to give him the things that she can? Are you feeling a little insecure because your parents don't do the same for you?
Either way, I think you're being too judgmental. This is one of those subjective things -- if you're not comfortable with that, if it's not the way you want to live your life, that's alright, but you really can't expect everyone else to live by the same rules. Think about it, and if it really has to be a problem for you, move along.
Next week: Somebody is at a loss as to how to handle a friend who doesn't know how to do anything but criticize.
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