You are such a pain in the ass

I have a friend who's always giving me backhanded insults. The only way I've been able to deal with it is to dish it back to him. He doesn't seem to care either way - nothing I say appears to bother him (huuuuge ego) - but it's really bothering me. I find myself fuming afterwards at the hurtful and jerky things he's said. He's even dissed my dog, and my husband's cooking! Jeez. But look what I've done now - you probably think I just hate the guy. You're probably wondering why we're even friends. Well, we hang out a lot, and most of the time it's tolerable. In fact, most of the time he's pretty fun to be with and makes me laugh. Should I just chill? Am I over-reacting? Should I throw my mid-morning oatmeal and raisins at him next time he bothers me?


How many of my answers have opened with the word 'ugh'? I'm not sure, but here's another one: ugh.

That type of behaviour can be hurtful, rage inducing, but also annoying, and, dare I say it? Yes. Embarrassing. My 'ugh' is the ugh uttered when you see a serious misstep committed in earnest cluelessness. Don't waste your breakfast: I suspect your friend snarks just because he doesn't know what else to do. He may even act this way because he's afraid you won't like him if he doesn't.

Some of us don't realize that it actually doesn't take a lot of cleverness to make fun of people; it is, in fact, easier than being kind, especially if you are particularly afraid of rejection. It doesn't require you to go out on a limb, like sincere expressions of admiration can. It's a classic mode of manipulation by the insecure: if you're afraid of being rejected by people, you can try to create a situation where they feel in danger of being rejected by you, and, as a result, they come to believe that they like and admire you. Your comment on his 'huuuuge ego' fits in with this profile nicely.

Whether this is true of him or not, he's let his friendship with you fall into an unimaginative rut. We've all fallen into bad ruts with friends before, right? Maybe every time you get together with someone in particular you tend to gossip, or eat too much, or get drunk and yell things, or have long and deliciously affected discussions on politics or sex, or, hey, insult each other. Kind of bad things, but nice things to be able to indulge in with someone you like and respect every now and then, right? Sooner or later, though, maybe it just feels like what you do with that person, and maybe you don't really know how to feel comfortable enough to start doing anything else with them, especially if you didn't know each other all that well before you got into your routine, and you just keep following the formula you believe your friendship runs on.

Or maybe you're O.K. with changing things up in the friendship, and it's the other party who doesn't really know what to do, and maybe you end up feeling gross after a glut of the same old indulgent behaviour, and you come to associate the feeling with the other person, and you begin to think: 'this person is a problem in my life.'

Anyway, that would explain why it doesn't bother him when you come back at him with another insult -- it could be just what he expects, and even wants?

What do you do? This may sound a little parent-child, but show him the right way to act. Compliment him? Do nice things for him for no reason, if you don't already? And, don't be afraid to get visibly annoyed with him when he's being... visibly annoying. How do you, personally, act when somebody has just embarrassed themselves and doesn't yet realize it, and you are torn between wanting to smack them, and wanting to throw a blanket around them and protect them from humiliation? Act that way. Break the pattern, and show him that your friendship is not a one-trick pony; a sarcastic, dead-pan, potentially self-loathing, one-trick pony.

Anyone else? Thoughts? Comments? I'm wide open.