I hate to sound like an insensitive jerk, but I’m starting to think my girl friend is a bad lay. We’ve been sexually active for about a month now, and so far she has not climaxed. She also doesn’t seem to know what to do when she gets on top. I know she’s not a virgin, and to be honest I’d heard that was a demon in the sack. Maybe she’s just been with inexperienced guys before, but I didn’t think so. I’d hate to dump her just for being bad at sex, but that’s how much it’s frustrating me. What do you think is wrong? What should I do?
Good Lord. There are really endless possibilities when it comes to what could be behind your girlfriend’s sexual conduct.
I’ll start with the most cut and dry: it might have something to do with the physical combination of your member and her plumbing. If it seems like she doesn’t know what to do when she gets on top, it could be because she’s being surprised and confused by a painful and/or uncomfortable and/or plainly strange sensation that she hasn't experienced with any of her other sexual partners. If her vagina is more on the shallow side and you have a longish penis (in comparison to her short passage), it might cause her some discomfort in the cervical area to be experiencing entry at such an angle. If her vagina tips at an angle or veers off to the side (these things weren’t designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, people), and you have a bit of a curve to you yourself in an opposing direction, that may also feel strangely to her. She may not realize that with you she needs to try a different type of motion than she’s used to using while on top, and maybe the whole situation will be remedied when she is more accustomed to your physique.
Now, possibly the most obvious possibility: Maybe she doesn’t feel all that comfortable with you. Not all women need to have your respect and devotion in order to use your body to make themselves feel good, just like it is with some men. But this one may need some semblance of security in order to become uninhibited enough to climax, let alone climb on top of you and give you a full view of her body at the mercy of motion and gravity. She may not be sure enough of her feelings for you and your feelings for her. Maybe she really likes you and is still nervous. Maybe you just like different things and she has to get more used to your habits and preferences. This potential situation may also be fixed with time and increased familiarity.
And now, here’s my customary stab at being psychic:
People change their sexual behaviour as their lives go on, sometimes whether they want to or not. What works for you at 15 will not necessarily work for you at 20, what works for you at 20 may not work for you at 25. Et cetera and so on. I don’t know what you heard from your, uh, friends, but maybe your girlfriend has started a ‘lay there and moan’ phase since the time she knew… them.
There’s no one reason why this happens. In this case, whether you meant to or not, you’ve inferred here that she has been promiscuous in the past, by kind of saying that she came with great recommendations. I know that when some women go through periods of feeling antagonized, they can become very passive about sex, craving contact and validation from another human being, but retreating into themselves for the duration of the actual act, because other people have been hurting them and they are afraid to feel anything remotely like humiliation or rejection. Maybe she gets that guys are talking about her. Maybe she perceived on some level that you’re expecting something of her based on some kind of reputation she’s built, or just had imposed upon her, and maybe she is fighting that by demanding that you do all the work. Maybe you need to examine the way you think of her, and consider the likelihood that you are unwittingly giving her the message that you are only valuing her for what you’ve heard she’s capable of.
In summary, the only thing that I am absolutely sure would help in all scenarios, including the three I just presented, is, you guessed it, yes, yes, TALKING.
How do you know she’s not climaxing? If you’ve talked about this at all, you’re on the right track, but maybe she’s not being as vocal about her orgasms as you’re expecting she would be, and that can be a problem, too.
And what are you like during sex? Are you being encouraging? Do you tell her she’s beautiful and make it audible that you’re having a good time? Or do you just lay there, soundless and expectant? It works both ways: sullen is rarely sexy to anybody.
And, another thing: if you feel like you know better what she should be doing on top, have you thought to just tell her?
I ALMOST FORGOT: the HOW. HOW do you talk to her. Well, nicely, for starters. This type of concern is often brought up in the heat of frustration. You really risk putting it off until you can't stand the situation any more, creating the perfect conditions for a volcanic eruption of stupid.
Don't try a point blank question like, 'what is wrong with you?' Bring it up casually, perhaps right after sex when you're laying around together, and ask her questions like, 'does it make you uncomfortable to be on top?' Or make an observation like, 'sometimes when we're having sex, you don't look like you're enjoying yourself,' and follow it up with, 'are you enjoying yourself?' And try thinking of it like something you may have control over, as opposed to some poor service you're getting from some kind of wait staff, and ask her, 'is there anything I can do differently?'
I’m glad you wrote, and I'm glad to respond, but you really need to talk to her, for the love of God.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two/ Had no intention to do the things we've done...
So, I’m kind of obsessed with Nadya Suleman (a.k.a. Natalie Denise Suleman, a.k.a. Nadya Soloman, a.k.a. Octomom, a.k.a. Octopussy, a.k.a. Crazy Eyes, depending on what news site or internet gossip rag you subscribe to). Me and the rest of the world? I don’t know, actually. I’m not sure just how much media coverage is proportional to actual public interest in certain issues. I think I started reading about her because there was suddenly a surplus of print items on her available on the Internet.
Anyway, those of you who have not been paying attention: my boyfriend won’t listen to me talk about this issue any more, so please be patient with my interpretation, because I don’t watch a lot of T.V.
Ahem! Nadya Suleman is a 33-year-old unemployed student and mother of 14. While her latest pregnancy yielded eight children, she states that she has not had sex in eight years. All of her children, aged two months to seven-years-old, were conceived via in-vitro fertilization -- a medical procedure that I don't wish to appear to express any problem with or opposition to. People who want to have kids and can afford them and can afford to undergo in-vitro can do it without any protest or opposition from me.
But in this case, it means that she has somehow afforded seven $10,000 to $15,000 cycles of treatment (along with cosmetic surgery apparently performed on her nose, lips and chin, which has created in her a striking resemblance to Angelina Jolie -- it has been reported that Suleman attempted to contact Jolie several times in 2008, but she has denied an obsession with the star). Her parents say the money came from an accident claim settlement with her former workplace, and a few sources have reported that the settlement, awarded sometime after 2000, totaled around $120,000.
The angle a lot of news agencies are taking with this story is the financial aspect of the situation, because we are not allowed to forget for one minute that the stock market is a piece of shit. Our fears about our own financial well-being and that of our families is kind of being played upon, here. I admit it was the first thing I thought of, before I knew Suleman’s particular lifestyle situation, again, because the credit crunch is all over the damn news.
Another angle that’s been ran with is that of Suleman’s supposed reality television aspirations. One site was reporting early on that she was hoping for her own show and an insinuated job as a ‘parenting expert.’
TLC, the network no longer marketed as The Learning Channel and now home to such gross and disturbing parenting/reality shows as John and Kate Plus Eight (about a neurotic and mostly unemployed couple and their eight children conceived with the help of science), made it a point to state publicly that while they were initially interested in Suleman’s situation for a show, they definitely aren’t anymore.
Now Suleman’s telephone conversations with T.V. psychiatrist and Oprah protégé Dr. Phil McGraw are being reported on. In case you don’t want to click on the link, Suleman has voiced fears that she will not be granted custody of her eight infants when the time comes for them to leave hospital care, unless her financial and habitual situation becomes stable enough, though these possible imposed standards have not been made public. I guess she was on his late afternoon talk show today but again: I don’t watch T.V., and I was probably having a life when it aired.
I’m not obsessed because I love thinking about the impending depression, or because I like reality T.V. that much or at all. I actually want to know how this all ends up, and that everybody is going to be O.K.
Who knows for sure why this woman is compelled to have children. I’ve read that she has been obsessed with being a Mom since her teens and that she is motivated by the belief that her childhood as an only child was incomplete. I’ve read that she was married at 21 and divorced at 25, and suffered several miscarriages after this separation while trying to get pregnant. It’s hard, when you’ve believed that you’ve found someone you love, to be disillusioned with divorce. You think to yourself, wow, if it didn’t work with this person, how can it ever work with anybody else? Maybe she believed that she could only truly relate to people who come directly from her own womb, and that only the love of a child is enough love to cure her emptiness. Maybe her failed marriage left her feeling that alone. Or maybe her marriage failed because she only really wanted to be a Mom and her husband required her to be a wife.
Regardless, Cher and Perez Hilton and the handful of people who have sent the Sulemans death threats really seem to want us to punish her for what has happened. True, if the world steps in to help a woman who has done something really financially and emotionally irresponsible – I do think that putting so many tiny lives in motion without the immediate means to care for and nurture them was really freaking irresponsible and, dare I say it? Yes? Selfish as Hell – who can tell the next woman who wants to try it that she shouldn’t?
The fact remains, though, that these children didn’t ask to be born, and I would really hate to see them punished for the sake of proving a point to their weird Mom. I hope they get some help. Like, some real help, and not just an opportunity to sell more of themselves to people who would dole it out to people who would like to read about it.
What do you think?
Anyway, those of you who have not been paying attention: my boyfriend won’t listen to me talk about this issue any more, so please be patient with my interpretation, because I don’t watch a lot of T.V.
Ahem! Nadya Suleman is a 33-year-old unemployed student and mother of 14. While her latest pregnancy yielded eight children, she states that she has not had sex in eight years. All of her children, aged two months to seven-years-old, were conceived via in-vitro fertilization -- a medical procedure that I don't wish to appear to express any problem with or opposition to. People who want to have kids and can afford them and can afford to undergo in-vitro can do it without any protest or opposition from me.
But in this case, it means that she has somehow afforded seven $10,000 to $15,000 cycles of treatment (along with cosmetic surgery apparently performed on her nose, lips and chin, which has created in her a striking resemblance to Angelina Jolie -- it has been reported that Suleman attempted to contact Jolie several times in 2008, but she has denied an obsession with the star). Her parents say the money came from an accident claim settlement with her former workplace, and a few sources have reported that the settlement, awarded sometime after 2000, totaled around $120,000.
The angle a lot of news agencies are taking with this story is the financial aspect of the situation, because we are not allowed to forget for one minute that the stock market is a piece of shit. Our fears about our own financial well-being and that of our families is kind of being played upon, here. I admit it was the first thing I thought of, before I knew Suleman’s particular lifestyle situation, again, because the credit crunch is all over the damn news.
Another angle that’s been ran with is that of Suleman’s supposed reality television aspirations. One site was reporting early on that she was hoping for her own show and an insinuated job as a ‘parenting expert.’
TLC, the network no longer marketed as The Learning Channel and now home to such gross and disturbing parenting/reality shows as John and Kate Plus Eight (about a neurotic and mostly unemployed couple and their eight children conceived with the help of science), made it a point to state publicly that while they were initially interested in Suleman’s situation for a show, they definitely aren’t anymore.
Now Suleman’s telephone conversations with T.V. psychiatrist and Oprah protégé Dr. Phil McGraw are being reported on. In case you don’t want to click on the link, Suleman has voiced fears that she will not be granted custody of her eight infants when the time comes for them to leave hospital care, unless her financial and habitual situation becomes stable enough, though these possible imposed standards have not been made public. I guess she was on his late afternoon talk show today but again: I don’t watch T.V., and I was probably having a life when it aired.
I’m not obsessed because I love thinking about the impending depression, or because I like reality T.V. that much or at all. I actually want to know how this all ends up, and that everybody is going to be O.K.
Who knows for sure why this woman is compelled to have children. I’ve read that she has been obsessed with being a Mom since her teens and that she is motivated by the belief that her childhood as an only child was incomplete. I’ve read that she was married at 21 and divorced at 25, and suffered several miscarriages after this separation while trying to get pregnant. It’s hard, when you’ve believed that you’ve found someone you love, to be disillusioned with divorce. You think to yourself, wow, if it didn’t work with this person, how can it ever work with anybody else? Maybe she believed that she could only truly relate to people who come directly from her own womb, and that only the love of a child is enough love to cure her emptiness. Maybe her failed marriage left her feeling that alone. Or maybe her marriage failed because she only really wanted to be a Mom and her husband required her to be a wife.
Regardless, Cher and Perez Hilton and the handful of people who have sent the Sulemans death threats really seem to want us to punish her for what has happened. True, if the world steps in to help a woman who has done something really financially and emotionally irresponsible – I do think that putting so many tiny lives in motion without the immediate means to care for and nurture them was really freaking irresponsible and, dare I say it? Yes? Selfish as Hell – who can tell the next woman who wants to try it that she shouldn’t?
The fact remains, though, that these children didn’t ask to be born, and I would really hate to see them punished for the sake of proving a point to their weird Mom. I hope they get some help. Like, some real help, and not just an opportunity to sell more of themselves to people who would dole it out to people who would like to read about it.
What do you think?
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Usurper as sister: a reader’s response
One lady saw a red flag in Tuesday’s letter (about a girl who doesn’t like seeing her idiot ex spreading his idiot self to other potential idiots and then feeling like she’s watching them being idiots together), that she just could not ignore.
1) Love your use of Turd Ferguson
2) Love the t-t-t-tambourine.
3) I am real quick to feel bad for the new girlfriend in this situation! Not only is she potentially dating a well, Turd Ferguson, who would go after someone while still involved with someone else (does not bode well for the future, frankly), but also, the writer says that she doesn't know how much New Girlfriend knows about what went on. It is very likely that she didn't know about Old Girlfriend's very current status when Turd came on her scene. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt because I have been in that situation myself, and have found out later - it is super awkward (and makes you feel very guilty). I've also been the new GF getting the evil eye from the old GF during social occassions, and damnit if it doesn't freak a person out. She says she was never actually introduced to the girl, and actually, there is a reasonable possibility that the new girl doesn't know who she is, and was only looking her over because our dear question writer was throwing off hostile vibes. I guess it just weirds me out that she said she's so angry at the two of them, when as far as the letter indicates, this was really the guy's doing (harsh way to break up with her btw!). She doesn't have to be best friends with the new lady, but hating her just screams of girl-on-girl crime to me.
(And so, Wednesday is devoted to the following hypothetical situation: a girl is completely unaware of the circumstances of her boyfriend’s last breakup, in which he actually didn’t bother to make things final with the other girl until well after things were underway with the new girl, and the old girl is pissed.)
Yeah! Like I said, don’t be mad at the two of them. It’s easy to project the personality and attitude of the ex onto someone who will touch him after he’s done what he’s done, but the fact remains that she may not be privy to all of his shit. It happens, lots of us have been there, and if that is what has happened here, it sucks that he has put the new girl in that position… the one where a part in some drama she may not even understand is forced on her.
By the time a victim of this kind of shit can know what’s going on, everybody in town may have decided she’s a slag. All of a sudden, this woman is on par with our original Tuesday letter writer, with a similar compulsion to clear her name, and with only a faint notion of what she’s actually done, let alone what to do about it.
So, was my advice to the ex-girlfriend, to leave it alone and let her ex-boyfriend’s new romance take its course, wrong? Should she actually try to warn this girl about this guy’s character? One reader seemed to think so:
girlfriend needs to let the new girl know what she’s getting into. i wish my ex’s ex would have done the same for me, because then maybe i would have dumped him before he cheated on me. i just know that i would have appreciated it.
I don’t know. Maybe now you say you would have appreciated it, but there’s a lot to be said for perspective, a la, you didn’t feel then what you feel now, because you didn’t know then what you know now. I think it’s actually a rare woman who will trust another woman, especially an ex-girlfriend (and potential rival, in their eyes), criticizing somebody she really likes, to have their best interests at heart. But maybe you didn't feel all that strongly about the guy at first, and those feelings grew later on before you could find out the truth. In general, I’d say it’s best to stay out of the lives of exes, not antagonize new girlfriends, and let them learn their own lessons -- especially considering it's more useful for someone to hear information of this nature from someone they feel they can trust, i.e., not their romantic interest's ex -- but I suppose I will make this allowance: some girls do like to think they would like a heads-up.
I really think that anybody who finds out they’ve been tricked into dating somebody who will move on before he’s ended a relationship can either embark on a vigorous, conspicuous, inappropriate innocence campaign, and risk looking guilty and graceless… and really really weird… or! Try to forget about the whole thing and trust that people will get to know her well enough to know she’s not mean, or maybe that people will notice a pattern of deception in the ex’s behaviour that could explain the whole thing. Kind of like what I recommended for ex-girlfriend.
So yeah! I stand by my previous assessment: I still think the ex-girlfriend needs to stop the vicious cycle of giving a damn and resist the fear of judgment of others and live a nice life. Now! For the sake of all womankind, and that is how she can be fair to the new girl.
1) Love your use of Turd Ferguson
2) Love the t-t-t-tambourine.
3) I am real quick to feel bad for the new girlfriend in this situation! Not only is she potentially dating a well, Turd Ferguson, who would go after someone while still involved with someone else (does not bode well for the future, frankly), but also, the writer says that she doesn't know how much New Girlfriend knows about what went on. It is very likely that she didn't know about Old Girlfriend's very current status when Turd came on her scene. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt because I have been in that situation myself, and have found out later - it is super awkward (and makes you feel very guilty). I've also been the new GF getting the evil eye from the old GF during social occassions, and damnit if it doesn't freak a person out. She says she was never actually introduced to the girl, and actually, there is a reasonable possibility that the new girl doesn't know who she is, and was only looking her over because our dear question writer was throwing off hostile vibes. I guess it just weirds me out that she said she's so angry at the two of them, when as far as the letter indicates, this was really the guy's doing (harsh way to break up with her btw!). She doesn't have to be best friends with the new lady, but hating her just screams of girl-on-girl crime to me.
(And so, Wednesday is devoted to the following hypothetical situation: a girl is completely unaware of the circumstances of her boyfriend’s last breakup, in which he actually didn’t bother to make things final with the other girl until well after things were underway with the new girl, and the old girl is pissed.)
Yeah! Like I said, don’t be mad at the two of them. It’s easy to project the personality and attitude of the ex onto someone who will touch him after he’s done what he’s done, but the fact remains that she may not be privy to all of his shit. It happens, lots of us have been there, and if that is what has happened here, it sucks that he has put the new girl in that position… the one where a part in some drama she may not even understand is forced on her.
By the time a victim of this kind of shit can know what’s going on, everybody in town may have decided she’s a slag. All of a sudden, this woman is on par with our original Tuesday letter writer, with a similar compulsion to clear her name, and with only a faint notion of what she’s actually done, let alone what to do about it.
So, was my advice to the ex-girlfriend, to leave it alone and let her ex-boyfriend’s new romance take its course, wrong? Should she actually try to warn this girl about this guy’s character? One reader seemed to think so:
girlfriend needs to let the new girl know what she’s getting into. i wish my ex’s ex would have done the same for me, because then maybe i would have dumped him before he cheated on me. i just know that i would have appreciated it.
I don’t know. Maybe now you say you would have appreciated it, but there’s a lot to be said for perspective, a la, you didn’t feel then what you feel now, because you didn’t know then what you know now. I think it’s actually a rare woman who will trust another woman, especially an ex-girlfriend (and potential rival, in their eyes), criticizing somebody she really likes, to have their best interests at heart. But maybe you didn't feel all that strongly about the guy at first, and those feelings grew later on before you could find out the truth. In general, I’d say it’s best to stay out of the lives of exes, not antagonize new girlfriends, and let them learn their own lessons -- especially considering it's more useful for someone to hear information of this nature from someone they feel they can trust, i.e., not their romantic interest's ex -- but I suppose I will make this allowance: some girls do like to think they would like a heads-up.
I really think that anybody who finds out they’ve been tricked into dating somebody who will move on before he’s ended a relationship can either embark on a vigorous, conspicuous, inappropriate innocence campaign, and risk looking guilty and graceless… and really really weird… or! Try to forget about the whole thing and trust that people will get to know her well enough to know she’s not mean, or maybe that people will notice a pattern of deception in the ex’s behaviour that could explain the whole thing. Kind of like what I recommended for ex-girlfriend.
So yeah! I stand by my previous assessment: I still think the ex-girlfriend needs to stop the vicious cycle of giving a damn and resist the fear of judgment of others and live a nice life. Now! For the sake of all womankind, and that is how she can be fair to the new girl.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Love is a battlefield; keep this one a Cold War
I recently attended a party. My ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend were there. I'm still angry at the two of them because he pursued her before breaking it off with me [I hadn't any idea that things were going so badly, he just cut off all communication and left me in the dark on that one for nearly a month, but i digress].
I didn't say anything to them, because there were others around that I could talk to, and to be fair, they hadn't made any attempt to be friendly with me. She kept looking me over, which intrigues me because I haven't any idea what he's told her about me, and yet I'm concerned that she hasn't heard the full story.
I suppose if it ever comes up, I could plead "Well, you never introduced us" (which is true-- he never made an effort to introduce her to me or vice-versa) or "Well, what did you expect? To greet and be BFF with the girl you were pursuing while you were still with me PISS OFF" or something like that. Either way, I'm concerned that my name won't be clear in this situation, and I somehow come off looking like a crazy bitch because I have no desire to know and talk with either of them. It becomes difficult because my ex and I are within the same circle of friends, and will be invited to (and probably attend) the same gatherings.
It hurts enough to see them together-- if I can't protect my heart, is there any way I can protect my dignity and reputation?
The dynamic between the ex-girlfriend and the now-girlfriend can be one of the lumpiest, foggiest, most passive-aggressive things, especially if you’re not on speaking terms with your old flame, things didn’t end well, and you stand to see them around with any frequency at all.
Chances are only slim that he has been kind to your memory. People vent to others about their exes, or anybody else they share any disputes with. It’s an immature impulse that stays with many people all their lives. What’s good is mutual friends and acquaintances will decide for themselves if any criticism of an ex is valid.
True, a person who vents more and to more people may appear to be the more wounded and slighted in the relationship/bloodshed, but they’re perhaps more likely to appear bitter and vengeful if they’re going off on an ex with regularity, and for a period of time disproportionate to the gripes (i.e., if you’re still raving about fair comments an ex made about you in 2002, let me do you the favour of letting you know that you look like jackass. Ahem. ‘You look like a jackass.’ And, you’re welcome). Have you ever heard the expression, ‘give them enough rope and they’ll hang themselves’? Basically, it means that in some situations you should let bitches bitch all they want because it’ll just drive people to side with the silent.
But, it tends to be in a current girlfriend (or boyfriend’s) interest to side with their S.O. when it comes to anything said about a predecessor. They want to please their new romantic interest, they want to come off the winner in any comparison/contest, and they likely don’t want to believe they’re with someone who would say something unfair, or, God forbid, untrue!
It’s better if a girlfriend can be a voice of reason; It's better to discourage pettiness and help him be realistic and reasonable, and see any error in his own actions, because then he can be a better person for her. A guy with any brain at all would come to appreciate and respect a girl who could act so genuinely and intelligently, because those are marks of a truly good person.
But you can’t trust that she’s like that. And you really can't take it upon yourself to try to enlighten her about this guy and your past relationship with him. It'll look crazy, and she's not likely to listen due to all the stuff I said above. Even if you make sense, it will not compute.
So, even though it might make you feel a little helpless, you should probably resign yourself to the fact that your ex has probably said something about his past relationship with you to his new girl, and that unless they’re already in the thick of a really frank and candid meeting-of-the-minds kind of match, she’s not seeing any crack in his reasoning. Yet.
All actual names, places and professions have been replaced with just as believable ones in the following anecdote:
My friend Minnie hooked up with Stevie, who had been recently dumped by Francie. One night, Minnie sat in the light of a single pine-scented candle in Stevie’s basement apartment, and listened to him pronounce all the emotional hardships that Francie had put him through, as a very serious, insensitive girl, always pressuring him to get a better job and go to the gym and stop making his clever clever fart jokes. Minnie laughed as Stevie dubbed Francie ‘beaver-teeth’ or some such rude name. And then they probably did it. You know. It.
A year later, a disillusioned Minnie left Stevie for Dickie, a very serious guy indeed, because, as Minnie found out, all of the criticisms Stevie rhymed off about himself as coming from Francie were pretty valid. Serious Francie is now an investment banker, and to my knowledge Single, Aging Stevie is working the graveyard shift at a KFC in rural Nova Scotia. Jealous?
People who date can’t help but learn a lot about each other. If your ex is not a great guy and if he is not saying fair things about you to this girl, she’ll realize it someday, and she might end up in the same boat you are in now, with a spectacular marine view of what an ass he is. Don’t be angry at the two of them because she might be completely oblivious. She wouldn’t be the first oblivious woman to carry on with a man for a while before things have been officially resolved with another one, for example.
By the time she’s in the boat you are in now, you will be in a different boat. A speedboat on the French Riviera, perhaps. Not giving a damn. You know that’s the outcome, right? In the future, likely the near future, whatever Turd Ferguson is telling his chick about you now won’t matter a whole lot. It’s not even important now (which is why it would look weird for you to try to talk to her about him, another reason to not bother trying to get your story out there).
I think it only hurts you to see them together because you feel like they're conspiring against you, and that you give undue weight to the issue when you think like this. Like you said, they are only two people that you don’t care to know or speak to. So take what I’ve said here, about the inevitable, and don’t know or speak to them (by this I mean, don't seek them out, and just smile and nod when you make eye contact), and don’t care about it. From here it looks like you only risk looking like a crazy bitch if you let yourself feel and act like a crazy bitch now.
Continue to be polite and fun to be around. If you’re cool and they’re jerks, people will notice. If you can’t feel cool, i.e. actualize to yourself the fact that it's not reasonable to care: think cool and act cool, and you’ll find the sensation will be along. If you have trouble smiling at them, just think of this. Always worked for me.
I didn't say anything to them, because there were others around that I could talk to, and to be fair, they hadn't made any attempt to be friendly with me. She kept looking me over, which intrigues me because I haven't any idea what he's told her about me, and yet I'm concerned that she hasn't heard the full story.
I suppose if it ever comes up, I could plead "Well, you never introduced us" (which is true-- he never made an effort to introduce her to me or vice-versa) or "Well, what did you expect? To greet and be BFF with the girl you were pursuing while you were still with me PISS OFF" or something like that. Either way, I'm concerned that my name won't be clear in this situation, and I somehow come off looking like a crazy bitch because I have no desire to know and talk with either of them. It becomes difficult because my ex and I are within the same circle of friends, and will be invited to (and probably attend) the same gatherings.
It hurts enough to see them together-- if I can't protect my heart, is there any way I can protect my dignity and reputation?
The dynamic between the ex-girlfriend and the now-girlfriend can be one of the lumpiest, foggiest, most passive-aggressive things, especially if you’re not on speaking terms with your old flame, things didn’t end well, and you stand to see them around with any frequency at all.
Chances are only slim that he has been kind to your memory. People vent to others about their exes, or anybody else they share any disputes with. It’s an immature impulse that stays with many people all their lives. What’s good is mutual friends and acquaintances will decide for themselves if any criticism of an ex is valid.
True, a person who vents more and to more people may appear to be the more wounded and slighted in the relationship/bloodshed, but they’re perhaps more likely to appear bitter and vengeful if they’re going off on an ex with regularity, and for a period of time disproportionate to the gripes (i.e., if you’re still raving about fair comments an ex made about you in 2002, let me do you the favour of letting you know that you look like jackass. Ahem. ‘You look like a jackass.’ And, you’re welcome). Have you ever heard the expression, ‘give them enough rope and they’ll hang themselves’? Basically, it means that in some situations you should let bitches bitch all they want because it’ll just drive people to side with the silent.
But, it tends to be in a current girlfriend (or boyfriend’s) interest to side with their S.O. when it comes to anything said about a predecessor. They want to please their new romantic interest, they want to come off the winner in any comparison/contest, and they likely don’t want to believe they’re with someone who would say something unfair, or, God forbid, untrue!
It’s better if a girlfriend can be a voice of reason; It's better to discourage pettiness and help him be realistic and reasonable, and see any error in his own actions, because then he can be a better person for her. A guy with any brain at all would come to appreciate and respect a girl who could act so genuinely and intelligently, because those are marks of a truly good person.
But you can’t trust that she’s like that. And you really can't take it upon yourself to try to enlighten her about this guy and your past relationship with him. It'll look crazy, and she's not likely to listen due to all the stuff I said above. Even if you make sense, it will not compute.
So, even though it might make you feel a little helpless, you should probably resign yourself to the fact that your ex has probably said something about his past relationship with you to his new girl, and that unless they’re already in the thick of a really frank and candid meeting-of-the-minds kind of match, she’s not seeing any crack in his reasoning. Yet.
All actual names, places and professions have been replaced with just as believable ones in the following anecdote:
My friend Minnie hooked up with Stevie, who had been recently dumped by Francie. One night, Minnie sat in the light of a single pine-scented candle in Stevie’s basement apartment, and listened to him pronounce all the emotional hardships that Francie had put him through, as a very serious, insensitive girl, always pressuring him to get a better job and go to the gym and stop making his clever clever fart jokes. Minnie laughed as Stevie dubbed Francie ‘beaver-teeth’ or some such rude name. And then they probably did it. You know. It.
A year later, a disillusioned Minnie left Stevie for Dickie, a very serious guy indeed, because, as Minnie found out, all of the criticisms Stevie rhymed off about himself as coming from Francie were pretty valid. Serious Francie is now an investment banker, and to my knowledge Single, Aging Stevie is working the graveyard shift at a KFC in rural Nova Scotia. Jealous?
People who date can’t help but learn a lot about each other. If your ex is not a great guy and if he is not saying fair things about you to this girl, she’ll realize it someday, and she might end up in the same boat you are in now, with a spectacular marine view of what an ass he is. Don’t be angry at the two of them because she might be completely oblivious. She wouldn’t be the first oblivious woman to carry on with a man for a while before things have been officially resolved with another one, for example.
By the time she’s in the boat you are in now, you will be in a different boat. A speedboat on the French Riviera, perhaps. Not giving a damn. You know that’s the outcome, right? In the future, likely the near future, whatever Turd Ferguson is telling his chick about you now won’t matter a whole lot. It’s not even important now (which is why it would look weird for you to try to talk to her about him, another reason to not bother trying to get your story out there).
I think it only hurts you to see them together because you feel like they're conspiring against you, and that you give undue weight to the issue when you think like this. Like you said, they are only two people that you don’t care to know or speak to. So take what I’ve said here, about the inevitable, and don’t know or speak to them (by this I mean, don't seek them out, and just smile and nod when you make eye contact), and don’t care about it. From here it looks like you only risk looking like a crazy bitch if you let yourself feel and act like a crazy bitch now.
Continue to be polite and fun to be around. If you’re cool and they’re jerks, people will notice. If you can’t feel cool, i.e. actualize to yourself the fact that it's not reasonable to care: think cool and act cool, and you’ll find the sensation will be along. If you have trouble smiling at them, just think of this. Always worked for me.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday mail makes marvelous
Lots of people had stuff to say about Friday’s letter, on the girl who appears to be smitten with her gay roommate.
One articulate reader took time out of their busy schedule to share:
good luck with that.
How minimalist. In a way that kind of says it all. It’s an extremely sticky situation, and there is likely no perfect solution. I had to offer two potential options in my reply, emphasizing my love for the honesty angle. My gay friend Johnny wrote in to express his preference for the behaviour modification angle:
This line struck me as being very odd: "She likes sleeping in his bed, as opposed to her own."
Dude lets her sleep in his bed? With him?
Perhaps Hernando is in this mess because he likes the attention and enables it? God knows, he wouldn't be the first homo to do something dumb like that.
But setting aside that, I don't think I'd confront her about this as it will only serve to make her upset and paranoid and probably a lousy roommate at the same time.
I like the advice of cutting the strings. Part of the reason she's attracted to him is undoubtedly due to all the attention he gives her.
And, for heaven's sake, tell her to sleep in her own god damn bed.
You’re right, Johnny. I think I should have advised Hernando’s friend to advise him to be more reserved with Janice regardless of whether he decided to tell her how her attention had been making him feel. True, I did say he should have been able to be affectionate with his new, suddenly close female friend, but I should have said that's O.K. provided she was well-adjusted enough to not take it as something it wasn’t, and that does not seem to be Janice, so it follows that his friendliness does seem to have gotten him into trouble here. Live and learn, better late than never… etc.
So I modify my advice. Cut the apron strings a bit, maybe little by little, and see what happens. If nothing improves, I still strongly recommend talking to her, because you know he risks making her upset and paranoid and a lousy roommate if he changes his behaviour with her and she notices and is hurt and confused by that, too. If Hernando ‘confronts’ Janice (though I think that’s a really strong word for what should happen here), there’s a chance it’ll not go well, but there’s a chance she’ll realize how intense she’s being and ease up. It’s kind of an optimistic choice, I think; their friendship (not to mention home life), should it continue, would be more genuine and healthy and relaxed than if he just started avoiding her.
Neither solution is fail proof, and there’s going to be some discomfort no matter what. Sucks!
Somebody agrees an advice alteration was needed:
I think cutting the stings little by little is definitely a smarter choice, especially since she's his roommate and that complicated things quite a bit.
I really do think that Janice is just taking the loose rope Hernando gives her and now he realizes he gave her a bit too much and he's no longer comfortable with that.
I also think he should backtrack one step at the time: start doing things without her, take time away from home to breathe, stop telling her everything, etc.
Truth is, it's sort of like the overbearing friend you were talking about earlier. The fact that he hasn't pushed her away earlier is because a part of him needs or enjoys that closeness as well, so I think both of them are troubled in this and not just the slightly delusional Janice. It seems to me like both of them need the affection and stability. Just now, Hernando feels the need to peel himself away and fly on his own for a bit, and that's exactly what he should do, allthewhile communicating with Janice so she won't double her efforts to try to get closer while he's trying to pull away. Hernando needs to learn how to respect himself and how to communicate so that others respect him as well.
That could all be helpful to consider.
Somebody wrote in to criticize my assessment of Janice:
How can you say you know all this stuff about someone you don’t know? Maybe she’s just awkward. You can’t say for sure she’s in love with the guy.
Hey, sure, it’s definitely possible she just has no idea how to be a friend, if that’s what you mean by ‘awkward.’ I could totally see that. But you know, these blog entries get pretty long anyway without me trying to catch every single possibility for a situation. And, the meat of my advice -- for Hernando to talk to her and/or cool down his involvement a bit -- would work in the situation that you pose, too.
You know, if nobody felt the freedom to make calls in situations concerning people they don’t know, the advice column, as a model, could not be sustained. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN THAT WORLD.
Tune in Tuesday for my thoughts on the dynamic between ex-girlfriends and now-girlfriends, as one girl struggles to not send her ex and his chick mind bullets every time she sees them.
One articulate reader took time out of their busy schedule to share:
good luck with that.
How minimalist. In a way that kind of says it all. It’s an extremely sticky situation, and there is likely no perfect solution. I had to offer two potential options in my reply, emphasizing my love for the honesty angle. My gay friend Johnny wrote in to express his preference for the behaviour modification angle:
This line struck me as being very odd: "She likes sleeping in his bed, as opposed to her own."
Dude lets her sleep in his bed? With him?
Perhaps Hernando is in this mess because he likes the attention and enables it? God knows, he wouldn't be the first homo to do something dumb like that.
But setting aside that, I don't think I'd confront her about this as it will only serve to make her upset and paranoid and probably a lousy roommate at the same time.
I like the advice of cutting the strings. Part of the reason she's attracted to him is undoubtedly due to all the attention he gives her.
And, for heaven's sake, tell her to sleep in her own god damn bed.
You’re right, Johnny. I think I should have advised Hernando’s friend to advise him to be more reserved with Janice regardless of whether he decided to tell her how her attention had been making him feel. True, I did say he should have been able to be affectionate with his new, suddenly close female friend, but I should have said that's O.K. provided she was well-adjusted enough to not take it as something it wasn’t, and that does not seem to be Janice, so it follows that his friendliness does seem to have gotten him into trouble here. Live and learn, better late than never… etc.
So I modify my advice. Cut the apron strings a bit, maybe little by little, and see what happens. If nothing improves, I still strongly recommend talking to her, because you know he risks making her upset and paranoid and a lousy roommate if he changes his behaviour with her and she notices and is hurt and confused by that, too. If Hernando ‘confronts’ Janice (though I think that’s a really strong word for what should happen here), there’s a chance it’ll not go well, but there’s a chance she’ll realize how intense she’s being and ease up. It’s kind of an optimistic choice, I think; their friendship (not to mention home life), should it continue, would be more genuine and healthy and relaxed than if he just started avoiding her.
Neither solution is fail proof, and there’s going to be some discomfort no matter what. Sucks!
Somebody agrees an advice alteration was needed:
I think cutting the stings little by little is definitely a smarter choice, especially since she's his roommate and that complicated things quite a bit.
I really do think that Janice is just taking the loose rope Hernando gives her and now he realizes he gave her a bit too much and he's no longer comfortable with that.
I also think he should backtrack one step at the time: start doing things without her, take time away from home to breathe, stop telling her everything, etc.
Truth is, it's sort of like the overbearing friend you were talking about earlier. The fact that he hasn't pushed her away earlier is because a part of him needs or enjoys that closeness as well, so I think both of them are troubled in this and not just the slightly delusional Janice. It seems to me like both of them need the affection and stability. Just now, Hernando feels the need to peel himself away and fly on his own for a bit, and that's exactly what he should do, allthewhile communicating with Janice so she won't double her efforts to try to get closer while he's trying to pull away. Hernando needs to learn how to respect himself and how to communicate so that others respect him as well.
That could all be helpful to consider.
Somebody wrote in to criticize my assessment of Janice:
How can you say you know all this stuff about someone you don’t know? Maybe she’s just awkward. You can’t say for sure she’s in love with the guy.
Hey, sure, it’s definitely possible she just has no idea how to be a friend, if that’s what you mean by ‘awkward.’ I could totally see that. But you know, these blog entries get pretty long anyway without me trying to catch every single possibility for a situation. And, the meat of my advice -- for Hernando to talk to her and/or cool down his involvement a bit -- would work in the situation that you pose, too.
You know, if nobody felt the freedom to make calls in situations concerning people they don’t know, the advice column, as a model, could not be sustained. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN THAT WORLD.
Tune in Tuesday for my thoughts on the dynamic between ex-girlfriends and now-girlfriends, as one girl struggles to not send her ex and his chick mind bullets every time she sees them.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Barking up the gay tree
Dear They Said What?,
Yay! Not another (romantic) relationship question! Here's my issue: My best friend just moved in with a girl. In keeping with using fake names to protect privacy, I'll call him Hernando and her Janice. Our close knit group of friends only really started hanging out with Janice a few months ago, and she and Hernando really hit it off. Although we all found her to be kind of annoying, they did seem to have a lot of fun together, and it could be fun partying with them. When they announced they were moving in together though, that is when everyone really started to worry. See, Janice seems to be madly in love with Hernando. And Hernando is openly gay.
Janice talks about Hernando constantly when they are apart. She raves about him and never expresses any interest in hanging out with anyone else. On his part, I know that he liked the attention at first, especially since the rest of our group had an autumn full of schoolwork and late shifts, and weren't really able to party all the time, which is what she loves to do. At the start of it all, he thought maybe we were being jealous, because she wanted to occupy all his time, but really, he works hard to make sure that all his friends know how much he cares for us, so that was never an issue.
What is an issue is that we all pretty much think she is delusional, and think that she sees their friendship and roommatehood as having the potential for much much more. It has gotten to the point were even Hernando (since moving in with her for financial reasons) has even told me "I don't know what to do, I think she actually might have feelings for me" to which I of course replied "Well, yeah. I told you that." She keeps constant tabs on him, always wanting to know where he is and who he is with. She likes sleeping in his bed, as opposed to her own. She buys him presents all the time, and makes plans for the long-distant future as though really planning a life with him. Hernando told me that once when they were both drunk, she propositioned him, and then pretended it was just a joke. To top it all off, one day as Janice was telling me "I need a boyfriend. It is just so hard, living with this beautiful man, and he's just so amazing, and I need to get laid!" and I said, "Janice, don't fall in love with Hernando, okay?" and she said "What?... Oh my god, I know. Why would you say that... wait, has he said anything?" in a very lady-doth-protest-too-much sort of way.
I feel like this is getting really long, so I will try to wrap up. Basically, since moving in with this girl, Hernando has finally become creeped out by her behaviour enough to ask me for advice, but I am just no good at giving advice. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but she does know that he has no romantic interest in women, and he doesn't know what else he can tell her. He can't move out because they have a lease, and he still wants to be her friend of course. As his friend, I don't like to see him in this situation mainly because it has the potential to get really awkward. So, um, any thoughts?
We say things all the time for the sake of sensitivity. They're often truthful, but they also don't risk hurting anybody's feelings. There have been many a drunken Saturday night when I've been all too happy to utter the words, 'I have a boyfriend' to some physically unappealing or otherwise offensive man or woman. Hernando has: 'I'm gay.' With options like these, the trick is often done without having to call attention to what is underlying in these scenarios: a lack of attraction. The hit-on-er is left thinking, 'she/he isn't able,' and they move on without having to acknowledge the that the hit-on-ee's answer ALSO likely means he or she is not willing, either.
In Janice's head, the problem is 'just' Hernando’s homosexuality. She seems to have mentally reduced it to the single thing standing in the way of her happiness with someone she really likes and gets along with, so really she needs to come to see it in terms of utter lack of attraction in order to get it. We, along with Janice, risk forgetting that this business here with Hernando is equal to any other unwanted sexual advance.
Why might Janice need this extra dose of reality? Not all hags are alike, but at least some of the heterosexual ones are hungry for love, and some of that subset are into gays because straights aren't into them. They seek validation from those whom they may see as non-threatening eunuchs, because they don’t actually understand homosexuality. Sure, they don’t live in a vacuum, they’ve been told that some men love men like other men love women, and they know that men manage to have sex with each other somehow, but the whole thing has not been actualized to them. They are accepting of homosexuality in an unthinking way. They like gay men, but they don’t actually get what they do, beyond, ‘hey, I like boys, too.’ Deep down they might even believe a gay boy may just need the right woman to come along. Shudder with me: Ugh!
Unwittingly, some of the cuddlier homos oblige them; gay men would be well within their rights to think that they can be as verbally and physically affectionate as they like with their willing female friends because they don’t risk sending mixed messages; their proclaimed orientation should speak for itself. But hormonally, when a friendship with a gay man turns a certain shade of warm, women like Janice embark on a simulated romantic relationship. Companionship, light physical contact -- sometimes intermediate physical affection if you're dealing with some of the Ted Homosexuals I've rubbed up against in my day – from someone who, let's face it, probably works out, with no sexual tension or heartbreak. Friendship is the romance that never has to end. Right?
As we see here in the case of Janice and Hernando, oh Hell no. The sexual tension kicks in real good and one-sided, and in the words of The Marvelettes: Danger, Heartbreak Dead Ahead. "If only he wasn't gay."
Here's a question for you and H-man to ponder: how has he dealt with the fact that he's gay? I am by no means suggesting that this is his fault for not looking gay enough. But perhaps a key to understanding lonely Janice's delusion lies in what she may be able give her brain to fantasize/scheme with. How recently openly gay is he? Is he out to his family? Did he try out bisexuality as a label before warming up to public homosexuality? Has he had girlfriends? Is he dating men now? Is he bringing any boys home? I gather from your mention of school and partying that you guys are kind of young. Maybe Janice, in her naïve, kind of disrespectful internalization of gayness, doesn’t believe Hernando, who may just still be learning to be comfortable with himself, is walking the walk enough.
If that’s what she’s thinking, she hasn’t got a right. People are gay or straight in their own ways, and Hernando shouldn’t feel pressure to conduct himself in a way he wouldn’t usually, and especially not in his own home. It’s not an excuse for her behaviour, but it’s a reason, and maybe that can give you guys some insight as to how to proceed.
Unfortunately, I am not completely certain about how to communicate lack of attraction to someone without risking an air of the confrontational in this scenario, in which reality would be a clear enough indication of what is reasonable behaviour for most people. If he’s not comfortable about leveling with her yet, things obviously haven’t gotten weird enough. Trust me, that’ll happen. I would actually put money on my suspicion that it has happened and attachments like these form a pattern in Janice’s life. You guys may have only been hanging out with her a few months, but she didn’t come out of nowhere, and you have to wonder what she did with her time before you and Hernando came along.
Hernando can’t live like this, and he certainly can’t let it get worse, for his sake and for Janice’s. If he really doesn’t want to beat her over the head with how much he does not want to do the sex with her because he cares about her, and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, and wants to keep her friendship, tell him to think of it this way: Friends don’t let friends make themselves ridiculous and miserable. If Janice is his friend, she is his friend who has a problem, and he does her no favours by pretending everything is fine. To make it known, in a caring and genuine way, that she is making him uncomfortable, and to try to talk to her about why she is so very, very inappropriately focusing her energy on him, is to be a true friend.
If she doesn’t respond well to this -- and a poor response encompasses everything between disproportionate anger to groveling, disproportionate repentance. Huge reactions are sometimes ploys to take the focus off of the situation at hand and make the other party feel bad -- her problem may not be one that Hernando is equipped to help her iron out, especially if she’s not willing to confront it herself, and especially if my pattern theory is true. Sometimes you have to quietly break a lease and let crazy sort itself out.
If all of that is still not an option for him, he could just try cutting the apron strings a bit. Start making it a point to not divulge everything about his life to her, start consciously making plans that do not include her… does his bedroom door have a lock on it?
Readers, you can chime in at any time. I'll post your advice on Monday!
Yay! Not another (romantic) relationship question! Here's my issue: My best friend just moved in with a girl. In keeping with using fake names to protect privacy, I'll call him Hernando and her Janice. Our close knit group of friends only really started hanging out with Janice a few months ago, and she and Hernando really hit it off. Although we all found her to be kind of annoying, they did seem to have a lot of fun together, and it could be fun partying with them. When they announced they were moving in together though, that is when everyone really started to worry. See, Janice seems to be madly in love with Hernando. And Hernando is openly gay.
Janice talks about Hernando constantly when they are apart. She raves about him and never expresses any interest in hanging out with anyone else. On his part, I know that he liked the attention at first, especially since the rest of our group had an autumn full of schoolwork and late shifts, and weren't really able to party all the time, which is what she loves to do. At the start of it all, he thought maybe we were being jealous, because she wanted to occupy all his time, but really, he works hard to make sure that all his friends know how much he cares for us, so that was never an issue.
What is an issue is that we all pretty much think she is delusional, and think that she sees their friendship and roommatehood as having the potential for much much more. It has gotten to the point were even Hernando (since moving in with her for financial reasons) has even told me "I don't know what to do, I think she actually might have feelings for me" to which I of course replied "Well, yeah. I told you that." She keeps constant tabs on him, always wanting to know where he is and who he is with. She likes sleeping in his bed, as opposed to her own. She buys him presents all the time, and makes plans for the long-distant future as though really planning a life with him. Hernando told me that once when they were both drunk, she propositioned him, and then pretended it was just a joke. To top it all off, one day as Janice was telling me "I need a boyfriend. It is just so hard, living with this beautiful man, and he's just so amazing, and I need to get laid!" and I said, "Janice, don't fall in love with Hernando, okay?" and she said "What?... Oh my god, I know. Why would you say that... wait, has he said anything?" in a very lady-doth-protest-too-much sort of way.
I feel like this is getting really long, so I will try to wrap up. Basically, since moving in with this girl, Hernando has finally become creeped out by her behaviour enough to ask me for advice, but I am just no good at giving advice. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but she does know that he has no romantic interest in women, and he doesn't know what else he can tell her. He can't move out because they have a lease, and he still wants to be her friend of course. As his friend, I don't like to see him in this situation mainly because it has the potential to get really awkward. So, um, any thoughts?
We say things all the time for the sake of sensitivity. They're often truthful, but they also don't risk hurting anybody's feelings. There have been many a drunken Saturday night when I've been all too happy to utter the words, 'I have a boyfriend' to some physically unappealing or otherwise offensive man or woman. Hernando has: 'I'm gay.' With options like these, the trick is often done without having to call attention to what is underlying in these scenarios: a lack of attraction. The hit-on-er is left thinking, 'she/he isn't able,' and they move on without having to acknowledge the that the hit-on-ee's answer ALSO likely means he or she is not willing, either.
In Janice's head, the problem is 'just' Hernando’s homosexuality. She seems to have mentally reduced it to the single thing standing in the way of her happiness with someone she really likes and gets along with, so really she needs to come to see it in terms of utter lack of attraction in order to get it. We, along with Janice, risk forgetting that this business here with Hernando is equal to any other unwanted sexual advance.
Why might Janice need this extra dose of reality? Not all hags are alike, but at least some of the heterosexual ones are hungry for love, and some of that subset are into gays because straights aren't into them. They seek validation from those whom they may see as non-threatening eunuchs, because they don’t actually understand homosexuality. Sure, they don’t live in a vacuum, they’ve been told that some men love men like other men love women, and they know that men manage to have sex with each other somehow, but the whole thing has not been actualized to them. They are accepting of homosexuality in an unthinking way. They like gay men, but they don’t actually get what they do, beyond, ‘hey, I like boys, too.’ Deep down they might even believe a gay boy may just need the right woman to come along. Shudder with me: Ugh!
Unwittingly, some of the cuddlier homos oblige them; gay men would be well within their rights to think that they can be as verbally and physically affectionate as they like with their willing female friends because they don’t risk sending mixed messages; their proclaimed orientation should speak for itself. But hormonally, when a friendship with a gay man turns a certain shade of warm, women like Janice embark on a simulated romantic relationship. Companionship, light physical contact -- sometimes intermediate physical affection if you're dealing with some of the Ted Homosexuals I've rubbed up against in my day – from someone who, let's face it, probably works out, with no sexual tension or heartbreak. Friendship is the romance that never has to end. Right?
As we see here in the case of Janice and Hernando, oh Hell no. The sexual tension kicks in real good and one-sided, and in the words of The Marvelettes: Danger, Heartbreak Dead Ahead. "If only he wasn't gay."
Here's a question for you and H-man to ponder: how has he dealt with the fact that he's gay? I am by no means suggesting that this is his fault for not looking gay enough. But perhaps a key to understanding lonely Janice's delusion lies in what she may be able give her brain to fantasize/scheme with. How recently openly gay is he? Is he out to his family? Did he try out bisexuality as a label before warming up to public homosexuality? Has he had girlfriends? Is he dating men now? Is he bringing any boys home? I gather from your mention of school and partying that you guys are kind of young. Maybe Janice, in her naïve, kind of disrespectful internalization of gayness, doesn’t believe Hernando, who may just still be learning to be comfortable with himself, is walking the walk enough.
If that’s what she’s thinking, she hasn’t got a right. People are gay or straight in their own ways, and Hernando shouldn’t feel pressure to conduct himself in a way he wouldn’t usually, and especially not in his own home. It’s not an excuse for her behaviour, but it’s a reason, and maybe that can give you guys some insight as to how to proceed.
Unfortunately, I am not completely certain about how to communicate lack of attraction to someone without risking an air of the confrontational in this scenario, in which reality would be a clear enough indication of what is reasonable behaviour for most people. If he’s not comfortable about leveling with her yet, things obviously haven’t gotten weird enough. Trust me, that’ll happen. I would actually put money on my suspicion that it has happened and attachments like these form a pattern in Janice’s life. You guys may have only been hanging out with her a few months, but she didn’t come out of nowhere, and you have to wonder what she did with her time before you and Hernando came along.
Hernando can’t live like this, and he certainly can’t let it get worse, for his sake and for Janice’s. If he really doesn’t want to beat her over the head with how much he does not want to do the sex with her because he cares about her, and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, and wants to keep her friendship, tell him to think of it this way: Friends don’t let friends make themselves ridiculous and miserable. If Janice is his friend, she is his friend who has a problem, and he does her no favours by pretending everything is fine. To make it known, in a caring and genuine way, that she is making him uncomfortable, and to try to talk to her about why she is so very, very inappropriately focusing her energy on him, is to be a true friend.
If she doesn’t respond well to this -- and a poor response encompasses everything between disproportionate anger to groveling, disproportionate repentance. Huge reactions are sometimes ploys to take the focus off of the situation at hand and make the other party feel bad -- her problem may not be one that Hernando is equipped to help her iron out, especially if she’s not willing to confront it herself, and especially if my pattern theory is true. Sometimes you have to quietly break a lease and let crazy sort itself out.
If all of that is still not an option for him, he could just try cutting the apron strings a bit. Start making it a point to not divulge everything about his life to her, start consciously making plans that do not include her… does his bedroom door have a lock on it?
Readers, you can chime in at any time. I'll post your advice on Monday!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
PERSONAL DAY.
I maded this to show you that midterms be bein' a handful and I'm doing myself a solid on a Thursday.
But on Friday: A straight woman may just be in love with her openly-gay male roommate. Tune in tomorrow to see what a concerned friend has to tell me. And you, I guess.
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