Biting the hand that feeds your boyfriend

The letter about the mother-in-law got me thinking about my own boyfriends' mom. He's kind of had some false-starts, professionally and financially-speaking, and so he's in some debt in his early 20s. His parents are well-off financially, and his Mom sees nothing wrong with handing him a few hundred every couple of months. She even took it upon herself to order us some furniture (we live together, but we're nowhere near being engaged it's really more for convenience and money-saving), without really asking what we would like, and is always buying him plane tickets for him to go see them in the States. I think her hearts is in the right place, but I kind of resent the meddling in our lives, and I don't like the way it looks when his mother is giving him money... it's hard for me to respect him, and I feel like it's not going to help him get out of debt to have somebody there to just catch him when he falls. What can I do about this?


The idea that it's wrong to let your parents do things for you comes from an immature understanding of what maturity is. Yeah, adults take care of themselves, but they also possess a good degree of sensitivity and tend to understand their adult relationships with their parents and how they change and the rate at which they should change. If you respond to a few bucks for groceries from your little Mommy, when you actually need it, with something like, “Thanks but no thanks,” you're actually depriving your mother who worries about you the good feeling she gets from knowing you're a little better taken care of for the time being, and for what? The sake of feeling a little better about yourself? Actual grown-ups don't have to put on airs about being grown-ups.

It is a little unsexy to see somebody sponging off of his or her parents into adulthood, but that is not what you've said is going on here. You said he's had a few false-starts. You've said it's a couple hundred, and I know personally that a few hundred in today's economy is just a drop in the bucket. You make it sound like he's trying, and I think, personally, that suffering is a little overrated -- see the above paragraph on immature ideas about maturity; it's a little silly of you to require this guy to struggle for your respect. And the plane tickets? Life is too short to not be with your family as much as you can, if you're lucky enough to have a family you want to be near.

You're making a mistake by believing that what this man's mother does for him should have anything to do with you at this stage, let alone by being personally offended by the whole thing. Is it that you think she's rubbing it in your face that you are not in a position to give him the things that she can? Are you feeling a little insecure because your parents don't do the same for you?

Either way, I think you're being too judgmental. This is one of those subjective things -- if you're not comfortable with that, if it's not the way you want to live your life, that's alright, but you really can't expect everyone else to live by the same rules. Think about it, and if it really has to be a problem for you, move along.

Next week: Somebody is at a loss as to how to handle a friend who doesn't know how to do anything but criticize.

Flowers! Candy! Responsibilities!

In the last year or so, my wife has become very uninterested in sex. In the last six months we have had intercourse once and no additional play at all. I have tried both initiating and not initiating for a while and seeing if she would. I have been romantic, brought her flowers, made her dinner, bought great wine on valentines day and still nothing. When I try to initiate she either brushes it off as her being tired or "stop being silly, we have stuff to do". I am confident she loves me and is not being unfaithful, she is loving and attentive in every other aspect of our relationship.
I love her and I would never leave or be unfaithful but I am getting to the point where I almost want to stop trying to be sexual.
Thanks in advance.

No fair. Sorry to be unromantic, but: when you married this woman, I think she agreed to have regular sex with you for the rest of her natural life. Marriage is serious business and one thing we can lose sight of is the fact that she kind of owes you.

It's a little more complicated than that, of course. "No fair" will not change the fact that she doesn't seem to want to. Sex out of obligation is only attractive to a percentage of men and women. So:

Of the 142 words you've written here, “We have stuff to do,” speaks the most to me. At the risk of sounding like less the femme fatale you should all be assuming that I am: I have been where your wife now stands. And, at the risk of sounding like a generalization-making, self-loathing woman: a lot of us can't do sex when we feel like the rest of our world is in shambles. Does your wife have a stressful job? Is she fighting with family members? Do you have kids who wet the bed? Is the house a pig sty? Are you having money troubles? I'm pretty sure the recession is killing hornies all over the world right now, for example. If you can't identify any problems like these, maybe there's something on her mind that she's not telling you. Take stress and add secrets and you've got the perfect conditions for a nasty case of the frigidity.

I don't mean for you to become suspicious of her. A secret doesn't have to be sinister or sordid -- it could just be something embarrassing that has very little to do with you, for example.

What I do mean is for you to pay attention for the next little while to anything that could be getting her panties in a twist, in the bad way. Though it may sound somewhat unsexy, maybe instead of buying flowers and making dinner, you need to do the laundry or wash the dishes or do your taxes. Supplement any increased domestic-flavoured sensitivity with plenty of non-sexual affection, just so she understands that you're not putting pressure on her. Sometimes women remember how great sex is when it happens 'by mistake,' i.e., when they find themselves surprised to be wanting it.

If no room for improvement becomes apparent to you, strike up a conversation. Not, “why don't we have sex anymore?” Something more like, “is everything O.K., my sweet? Anything stressing you out?”

One of the few good habits I have is asking my loved ones every now and then, “so what's on your mind lately?” I do it regardless of whether I notice anything different about their mood or behaviour, because I'm really curious and I really enjoy talking and I'm especially curious about the fantastic people I've managed to surround myself with. I also know what can go on beyond the surface without anybody knowing. If you're married to this woman, you probably find her fascinating! Why not ask to hear all the weird things in her brain, whenever you want to, just because you can?

No April foolin' ... here's a letter.

my boyfriend, who is an american living in canada for school, is leaving at the end of this year after he graduates. We've been together about 6 months now and for the first time i can actually say that i am in love. the unfortunate nature of the matter however is that there are no ifs ands of buts about his decision to leave.

every time i bring up his "moving home" he gets irritated and doesn't really want to talk about it. he is leaving, that's it. when i try to express my apprehension about our future he listens and then gives me the silent treatment.

the most irritating part of this problem is that i have no idea whether i make any difference in his decision. of course i don't want to hold him back from anything (he genuinely hates the city we are living in despite having numerous friends ) but i can't help but worry that i am investing too much of myself in a relationship that could potentially devastate me. i suppose that's the danger of being in a relationship.
what would you do?
ps: he has asked me to move in with him in september despite the fact that he will be leaving in december.


Great and good that you don't want to hold him back. Too often people throw away great futures on obligations that feel important when they're young, and chances are if you applied pressure and he knuckled down and you guys ended up not being it for each other, you'd end up hating each other AND not living the best lives for yourselves.

But this doesn't mean that he doesn't owe you anything. He's being extremely inconsiderate by ignoring your pleas for discussion on the topic. And he's inviting you to move in, without addressing the overhanging expiration date that his trip home insinuates regarding your relationship? Where is his head at? Why does he think he can put you through this emotional roller-coaster without any kind of stated future commitment, when you've made it clear that you need to understand things a little better?

The good news is that it looks like you probably do matter when it comes to this decision, because talk about this is so obviously a hard thing for him, and likely because he feels strongly about you. It actually sounds a lot like he may not know what to say because he is still making up his mind. I bet that's what the whole moving in thing is all about: maybe he wants to try you out as a housemate for a few months and then see how he feels.

All of this is understandable, but it doesn't change the fact that he is actually inflicting cruelty on you by holding his cards to his chest. He may be giving himself lots of time and space to really consider what's going on between you with the benefit of your occasional one-sided input, but what are you supposed to do?

And so the impulse is there for you to withdraw, a la “If he won't look after my interests, I'll make my exit and look after my own.” I don't get that this is where you really are, though.

This philosophy has allowed me to be hurt in the past, but I will stick by it: don't always act in a relationship with the sole purpose of protecting yourself. This does not apply if the other person is beating you or stealing from you... you need to protect your body and your credit rating. But, don't break up with a person, say, just because you're afraid he's going to break up with you, not if you still want to be with him, because trying to predict (and shield yourself against) the potential hurtful actions of others is no way to live, and it's no way to love either. It isn't really loving at all. Maybe, if you want to be with him in this moment, you should just be with him as long as you can. Or as long as you can stand it.

In other words, if you're not content to just ride it out and see what happens, I say keep trying until you're certain that it's really no use, or until he does give you an answer. You don't want to wonder if you did the right thing by just letting him go, and you don't want to live life at an arm's length either. I've been hurt before, but you can be damn sure I don't wonder too much about the past.

He needs to understand that it is selfish and cowardly to not confront these issues for his sake as well as yours. I'm not saying you should demand a commitment, because that's not going to help anybody, but I am saying you should demand some respect as a human being all your own who is effected by his decisions. Maybe make some suggestions, not in anger but in earnest, if you're comfortable making them. “Do you want to continue a long-distance relationship?” and “Do you want things with me to go on as long as they can without the promise of anything else?” are the two best options I can think of. Or, to be nice and succinct: “What do you want, man?”

Lies, lies, lies ye-ah.

hi

this is a little unorthodox but I could use your advice. it's difficult to explain this but I've had this close friend for a few years and found out a few months back, through a few unlikely conversations and events, that he would fabricate stories about his love life. and not just stories, but full blown lies, all of them about sex that never happened.
I did eventually bring this up, but he kind of failed to explain why it was necessary to lie to me, because I don't care. also, my friend also rushes to me with any romantic developments in his love life, and naturally I always role my eyes a bit.
I'm not at all sure what to do or say, or even what my own feelings are, exactly.


Sometimes we rationalize the dickly things we do and say with rules we make up for use in the confines of our own brain. Liars (and many gossips) can use this one: “If it is something that is possible or believable, I can say it.” And, if such a lie has the potential to be very successful, because the liar comes to feel more and more that the lie will never be found out, it becomes a part of the reality the liar tends construct for himself or herself.

This is why at least some liars lie: they have misunderstood the concept of reality (think... the whole Law of Attraction thing, then get it hooked on heroin). They come to place a lot of importance on what is believed by others, as opposed to what is actually true. They may not feel attractive unless someone is telling them they look OK. They might not feel like they're having fun until somebody tells them they look like they're having fun. Perception becomes an interesting idea to them, and then they come to be able to feel like they are rich, for example, even though they're poor, if they can feel like they're convincing someone else that they are rich.

You say you don't see why it was necessary for him to lie to you, and that you don't care. The thing is, his lies were likely most for his benefit. If you could believe them, then he could believe them too.

So, your friend is a liar, and that must make it hard for you to respect or trust him. But consider this:

Just because he lies about a certain area of his life doesn't mean he lies about everything. It doesn't sound like he's selling you up the river or ripping you off or anything. It's not OK to lie, but you're likely not in any danger of suffering for your friendship with this person.

As it turns out, there are few people on earth that can shoulder the burden of being perfect for others. Our Dads cease looking superhuman to us sooner or later. All girlfriends have the potential turn into wives or live-in partners who wipe their makeup off and fart and eat all the cereal in one day, and/or mothers who destroy their breasts feeding children and let anger and annoyance mark their faces as the years go on. Just because you've caught your friend looking weird and pathetic is no reason to jettison him from your life, simply because most people will disappoint you.

I am not telling you to disregard this, or that you're a bad friend if you don't want to tolerate this sort of thing. While it's true that most people will disappoint you, it's also true that we're just not meant to be madly in love some people. While I'm reluctant to paint your friend as a dangerous sociopath, the impulse to 'role' your eyes is bang on. And hey, maybe he needs somebody to roll their eyes at him.

And so I say, return any bullshit you feel you're getting from him with honesty. If he gets mad and alienated, just think that you've done him a huge favour by not indulging him, and that you probably won't have to listen to his lying ass as often anymore.

And now this song is in my head.

Queen of Pain

Dear M

My boyfriend is really confusing me! We started out as a secret casual sex thing, He d idn't want people to find out, so i wouldnt show him any special treatment when we met up in public, but he'd get mad at me when we saw each other alone later and acuse me of being mean to him and flirting with other guys. BEing scret wasn't workingm so i asked if we could have a normal boyfriend-girlfriend realtionship. that worked ok for about a month, then he semeed to loose interest, never calling me and not seeming like he wanted to have sex with me. Then he sugested we see each other, but see other people at the same time. So I did that and hooked up with some guys. That REALLY pissed him of. HE got supper jealous. I have been really attentive lately, and he seems to be ignoring me again. Either he's mad and jealous but paying attention to me, or bored and not paying attention to me.. What's going on??


I think you're pretty capable of knowing what's going on here, and what you should do: He can't be pleased, and you should dump him.

But I haven't written a column in several days, AND this one is late, so I'd better lay it all out here to the best of my ability, and colourfully:

When some people think of the words ‘sadist’ or ‘masochist,’ they think of whips and chains and hot wax, when that stuff can just as easily be associated with the words ‘fun,’ and, believe it or not, ‘healthy’; A lot of people with pain and/or humiliation kinks treat it like what it is, and they let their mates in on their fantasies, and it stays in the bedroom, or wherever they keep the cuffs – in other words, in their sexual lives. It’s a game, so they play it. No harm done.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is a sado-masochist in a less sexual sense of the word, living the shit 24/7 like a psycho, and likely loving every minute of it no matter what he would have you believe or even what he would acknowledge to himself.

Relevant?: my father once told me that you can tell a lot about a man (like, what he may be like as a mate) by the way he treats his mother, and this observation of his is scarily bang-on. Somewhat in the same vein, you would be surprised at the degree to which some men want to create with their partners something reminiscent of what they had with their Moms, regardless of whether they have good feelings about them or good relationships with them. Either they attempt a recreation of a good mother-son experience, or a correction of a bad mother-son experience. I hate pop psychology just as much as the next hipster, but it’s seriously uncanny, you guys.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy had a serious hate-boner for his mother. Maybe Mom abandoned him in some way. Maybe she left, maybe she cheated on Dad – kids can take it very personally and feel very betrayed when their parents leave or cheat. But, few sons can manage to hate their mothers completely, and the shadows of some very deep feelings manifest themselves in very strange romantic relationship behaviour. Maybe when he’s being cold and bitchy to you, he’s in fact reaming Mom for whatever she did to him. Regardless, somewhere along the line, this guy came to be turned off by things like security and fidelity and affection, and turned on by stuff like paranoia and jealousy and cruelty. Puke!

Regardless, I think he does want you to go out and make him jealous. People who are capable of being honest with themselves about having a similar type of desire identify as cuckhold fetishists. They get off on the idea of their mates getting off with others.

I’m not the most jealous gal, and I have to admit that my eye wanders – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu – but cuckholding is definitely not my thing, and I think it’s a rare couple who isn’t just doing it to look unconditionally cool and can really work this arrangement without destroying each other most unsexily. However, as long as there are people out there who really like this, and manage to lead happy lives while putting it into practice, and can find other people who want to sleep around on them and don’t want to otherwise hurt or take advantage of them, and everybody takes measures to be safe, it’s fine with me.

This guy? Only feels alive when something sketchy and skanky is going on in his life, to make him jealous and to give him something to yell about to you, a.k.a. “New Mom” – all of this is why he looks disinterested now that you’re being good to him.

Here’s another twist: he would rather we all not acknowledge this. He doesn’t want the boom mic or the camera cables slipping into frame, he doesn’t want anybody to see the strings on the puppet, especially you, but mostly him. He likes that he can feel turned on by his jealousy and also feel justified in punishing you, which also turns him on. Your performance is way better for him if you don’t realize it’s all a game and you feel your hurt and confusion genuinely, because it can help him to forget that it’s all a game. It’s all a game that he is selfishly refusing to let you in on.

Either he has a hate-boner for his mother, or he’s watched and/or read more drama than he’s actually managed to live yet. Is he an artist?

In trying to apply this idiotic formula to his life, he is forcing it on your life. It’s a pretty weak formula, it works for him because he’s a pretty weak person, and you should dump him! Wheeee.

More sucker punches than butterfly kisses

I’m a 30-year-old woman with a good job and a fiancé. I haven’t lived with my parents since I was 19 years old, and for good reason, because they drove me crazy, especially my father.

My father seemed to lose interest in me when I was around 12. He did not make any effort to spend time with me. He would not come to any of my sports games. My grandmother had to drag him to my high school graduation. At the time I got the impression that he was afraid that I would embarrass him, so you can imagine how I came to feel about myself.

If I ever tried to talk to him about something that interested me, it would turn into an argument for some reason. He couldn’t just talk to me, he had to treat every exchange between us as a time to show me how dumb I was. He is so arrogant and so sure of himself, and this is not a teenage brat talking: he is so ignorant about some things that it makes my head spin.

He has always found my boyfriends more interesting than me. He is friendlier, warmer and more affectionate with me now that I am about to be married. It’s as if I was not worth anything to him until another man endorsed me.

I never see my Dad, and I don’t think we’ll have another unpleasant interaction as long as it stays this way, but 20 years since the last time he said an unkind thing to me, I will still cry myself to sleep at night sometimes. The sheer anger I feel towards my father is overwhelming. I don’t know how to attack the situation after so many years. How do I bring this up to him?


Talking is important. I am all about talking, and a lot of what can be elements of a good talk: Dissecting, analyzing, explaining, listening, learning, excited nodding, high-fives. It’s probably my favourite thing of all time… when it goes well.

I bet (because this platform affords me the luxury of a good crapshoot every now and then) you wish you could just let loose on your Dad and release those two decades of hurt and anger and have him feel good and sorry and for everything to be fine for you after that.

Unfortunately, you may not get very far. He could just walk away from you or refuse to listen. He could say that you’re wrong and honestly believe it himself – you’d be surprised at how good some people are at that sort of thing, especially the ones we tend to call ‘arrogant’.

And then there’s the potential fallout: your Dad failing understand how much he’s hurt you in your life after you’ve made such an effort to express it can make your hurt that much burn-y. Also, twenty years is a long time to think and believe and feel a certain way about a situation. The anger would likely not go away overnight, and you telling your father where to get off would likely not be the end of it, even if you did manage to get through to him. You do not make yourself feel better just by making somebody else feel bad.

(And, as far as getting very emotional, because talks of this nature tend to go that route: Yelling or even just taking an excessively angry tone with anybody is pretty immature, but it looks especially bad and is even more ineffective when exacted on a parent, because it places you in roles that you don’t belong in anymore.)

When dealing with family and friends-like-family, being happy is more important than being ‘right,’ – in this case, insisting on bearing grudges and holding onto hurts. Also in this case, part of being happy can be finding it in yourself to be good to your loved ones over sore spots and points of contention and give them the benefit of the doubt: to believe that at least their intentions, where you were concerned, were good.

When you’re dealing with someone you love – because I am going there, yes, I am assuming that you love your Dad, because if you didn’t love him, you would not hurt so much – and you want to come to an actual solution, sometimes you have to be open to the possibility that the other person is innocent to some degree, because that is part of respecting and thinking highly of them.

I don’t know your situation completely. I’m not prepared to tell you that your father has a point because I don’t know what his would be, and I actually can’t imagine what it could be, because you do a pretty good job of painting him as a big fat jerk. But from what you’ve written here I can tell you are definitely not in a position to be open-minded about this. You can’t make people come around to your way of thinking and believing and feeling in every situation, and in this situation, where you are so very embittered, chances are slim of things going well.

He was a bad father and he should probably be called on it. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong to believe that, because from here that looks to be about right. Maybe that’s a reason for you to be miserable, but it’s not an excuse. The actions of others can make us feel sad, but we make ourselves unhappy. I think before you even think of trying to bring this to your Dad, you need to turn your sights inwards and determine how much of your misery is created and maintained by you. For the sake of your future relationship and for your own good, wait until you can speak to him with some humility about it. Congratulations on your engagement! Sort this out before you have kids.

If I really like her, how come I don't want to puke?

i started dating someone over the christmas break, but she is a grad student in a different city from where i live. before she went back to school we decided to try to have a long-distance relationship. so far i think it has gone quite well, i guess. i am really not sure because i have no other long-distance relationship to compare it too, but it feels like it is going well.

i think we could potentially have a good relationship; we get along well and have a lot of fun together. i think i could love her and probably even fall in love with her, and we would probably have a meaningful relationship. but i have been having some doubts lately. i don't really feel any 'sparks'. i don't have pleasant little thoughts of her while i walk to school, she doesn't pop into my head throughout the day, and i don't think of sweet things i could do for her. i am just not sure how seriously to take these doubts.

it could just be the fact that i haven't seen her in a couple months [skpye and email make poor alternatives], so such feelings haven't really had a chance to grow [like in a petry dish]. it also could be my own self-destructiveness coming to add his own two cents. i do have a history of getting uneasy about relationships i am in even though i am happy and they are good for me. chalk it up to some sort of insecurity or fear of relationships i guess? so i sometimes don't take these feelings all too serious.

as well do i really need these sparks? i think i will be happy if we continue on even with out the butterflies and whatnot. maybe this is just part of being an adult; not all relationships make your knees buckle and keep you up at night. but at the same time i don't really want to settle and do something which is logical [horrible word but i can't think of a better one] but i am not fully into emotionally.

the plan is for me to go visit her over march break. but i find myself kinda hesitant to go. should i go or would it be dishonest of me to do so with how i am feeling? or should i go and try to determine where these feelings are coming from?


You’re probably on March break already. I’m sorry I didn’t get to your letter sooner, but I hope you went on your trip. More on what I think later. Self-professed male and overall intelligent and well-read guy Richard McRichardson (NOT HIS REAL NAME) has volunteered to tackle this one with me:

First, the good news: It seems like you're doing a good job at being honest with yourself about your feelings without jumping to conclusions. It's always good to have a clear mind about things, but in this case it seems like you're trying to juggle too many perspectives at once and need a hand putting things in order. The bottom line is that I think you've already answered your own problems when you say that you think you will be happy if you continue on "even without the butterflies and whatnot." This relationship may not feel like others you've been through before but that doesn't mean it isn't valuable or that it can't be fulfilling in its own way. You say that you'll be happy without the butterflies and sparks for now, so, y'know what? BE happy without them for now, and worry about the future when the future comes. People's feelings do change over time and some relationships see those sparks arriving a little later than others, and some never see them at all, but that doesn't mean you're wasting your time or that you ought to give up on things just yet.

As for your "self-destructiveness" and history of uneasiness with relationships that are otherwise going well: it sounds like you need to apply the same honesty you're capable of elsewhere to that side of your thinking. You haven't really said enough about this tendency for me to offer any sort of tangible advice on it, but I can say that if you let this sort of negative thought pattern go unchecked it can and will ruin a lot of good things for you in the future. Maybe you'll always be stuck with that uneasy feeling creeping up from time to time, but hopefully you can get to the point with yourself where you're able to see it for what it is and dismiss it without too much further thought.

Now, the bad news: Long distance relationships are HARD, especially if your heart isn't in it 100%. That doesn't mean that you two are doomed, but it does mean that you'll have to put in a little extra effort from time to time. You may not have much more than skype and e-mail at your disposal, but do what you can to make communication a regular thing. You don't need to be in touch 24/7, but try to make (and keep) your e-mail correspondance and skype sessions a regular thing. If you find yourself dreading your skype conversations or considering it an awful chore to keep up with this person by e-mail, that's when I'd suggest that it's time to revisit your feelings about the whole thing.

Would it be dishonest of you to go visit her for the March break? The fact that you aren't shitting rainbows about this girl doesn't mean that it's dishonest of you to spend some time with someone whose company you enjoy. It's a visit, not a marriage proposal, and it only becomes dishonest if you blow its significance out of proportion. Go see her and have a good time - if nothing else you can use this as a good opportunity to see how you feel about her again once you're face-to-face with her and not just communicating over the internet.

One final note: when actors learn how to portray certain emotions and feelings on-stage one thing they often focus on is mimicking some of the physical signs of those emotions - things like breathing patterns, posture, and facial expressions. When you put your body into a certain state you can help convince your mind to follow along with it, and so these actors are able to feel sadness, anger, joy, or what-have-you by initiating it with their bodies first and letting their minds follow. The point of me bringing this up is to suggest that maybe you're overthinking things a little, and that you might feel better about this relationship if you just let yourself go and went with it. Being physically apart from someone you care about makes it difficult to experience the physical side of your emotions (I'm talking about things like smiles, eye contact, and basic body contact for those of you with minds stuck in the gutter), so maybe you should try tapping into the physical side of your feelings a bit more and letting your mind follow along. Smile when you're writing to her or having a conversation on skype and there's a good chance you'll sound - and feel - cheerier. If there were any problems here I'd suggest that you put some effort into working them out, but it seems to me as if all of your issues are born of your own imagination. Ignore your unfounded inner-naysaying and go into your March break trip with the expectation that you're going to have fun and, with any luck, you might just end up having a great time.

Hmm, interesting. Tomorrow: my reaction.

Monday madness… yawn.

Boring: I’m pretty tired.

Exciting: I took a trip this weekend! It was really great.

Boring: It was also exhausting. And, upon returning to my home city, it took me two hours to get from the train station to my dwelling due to multiple malfunctions of public transit.

Exciting: I received several notes concerning Thursday’s and Friday’s letters.

First, my friend Mel, who is a mom, discusses her feelings on Nadya Suleman, she of many aliases and, uh, kids:

Oh man I am also slightly obsessed.

I feel if anyone is moved to death threats then all of their touching notes should be directed toward the Dr. who made this all possible. It was hugely irresponsible & dangerous for all involved. At least Octopussy was emotionally invested & perhaps unstable...what is his excuse?

So now we have 8 little babies who will almost definitely grow into 8 little kids with huge medical issues & then 8 adults who will still carry the effects of the Dr's irresponsibility.

They have to worry about infections, heart problems, eye problems, nervous system problems. They have increased rick of CP & autism. As a Dr. he should NEVER have done this.

I don't even know what to say about her. She is like the crazy cat lady of babies.

Snickers! Crazy cat lady! Yeah, apparently this guy has also fertilized another woman in the states, who is now pregnant with quadruplets or some such large brood. Like I said, I’m all for the procedure, I am not in the least bit freaked out by in-vitro and fertility treatments… as long as they’re safe. This business does not appear to be.

Then, I got lots of comment on the guy who wrote to vent a bit and solicit advice concerning his sex life with his girlfriend, whom he felt was not performing to her fullest capacity.

My pal S.B. was perhaps not as kind to our letter-writer as me, but her sentiment was generally the same – communication is important, and he likely could do with a lot more talking and listening:

To be honest, I think the problem is probably on both ends. Maybe the boy should try to be more receptive to the body language of his girl while they're getting it on. It's a matter of talking, but he should also ask himself if he's actually open to the communication HER body. It is about talking, but it's more about listening to the other.
Sex is a team effort. In order for it to be awesome, the players have to be in sync with each other, and to be in sync, you have to listen.
By the way, to the dude, did you even stop to think that the reason why she's not doing much is because YOU'RE doing a crappy job? Maybe you're too busy looking for your own pleasure in all this to be able to entice her into having a good time. These things don't just happen for girls.

My friend Johnny swung by again to give his two cents:

This is all good advice, except it seems to ignore the possibility the girl might just be a bad lay.

Let me be a bit more specific: she might be a bad lay for you. We're not all "one size fits all". Different people have different sexual chemistry, and it might just be that you two are incompatible.

By all means, take M's advice and talk to your girlfriend. I would suggest before sex you talk to her about what turns her on. Be open about what your turns are too! (And I'm not talking about major fetishes or anything, but things like "It'd be hot if you wore some sexy socks when I was fucking you", or "I like be fucked against a wall," etc.) Incorporating those little things into sex will make it hotter for both of you!

But if you're not getting anywhere with talking then dump her. Otherwise, you will seek satisfying sex elsewhere and end up hurting her more than a breakup talk ever would.

I did draw attention to the chemistry principle – people are different psychologically and sexually, which could explain some of the hitches you’ve been hitting so far. Maybe I didn’t make it clear enough that while time and increased familiarity can sometimes be the fix for a few of the situations, it’s definitely not a guarantee. Things can fail if you do manage to talk, too, but two good potential outcomes are: 1) expressing yourselves solves your problems and the relationship is saved and 2) you find out that all the talking in the world won’t make you soul mates and you quit wasting time with each other. I guess I figured the possibility of incompatibility was a given!

I don’t know if before sex is such a great idea -- that is, if you’re looking to have a frank talk. If you want to avoid having an earnest discussion on things, because you already have an idea of what you’d like your encounters to be like, by all means just go ahead and make suggestions just like Johnny uh, suggested, and put those suggestions into practice together real quick. But if you’re interested in getting at the why, I actually don’t think such a conversation should be a prelude to sex. You might require a calm atmosphere in a timeslot when you’re not doing much of anything else and when you’re feeling close to each other, I figure.

And Johnny is right: once it’s become apparent to you that it’s just not going to work, you need to follow through on that conclusion and make your classy exit. Sometimes dumping somebody can be the most stand-up, respectful thing you can do for them. A person who allows himself or herself to remain only partly invested in their partner is actually not giving their partner much regard at all.

And lastly, my buddy Richard McRichardson chimes in from afar:

He should definitely talk to her. But what if things don't work out? What if, after all of the conversation, explanation, and communication, things still aren't so steamy in the bedroom?

It might feel harsh to dump someone over bad sex, but let's face it: sex is a very important part of the vast majority of relationships. It's not "superficial" to value the physical aspects of your relationship along with the emotional ones and, frankly, bad sex could very well be worth dumping someone over. But let's not be hasty.

It's important that, along with all the communication, you give this time. Changes may not happen overnight, and she might have to adjust to your particular tastes in a number of ways. But if, at the end of the day, the sex is still bad, you're well within your rights to (politely!) call things off. Maybe she's a really cool person, and maybe the two of you can still be great friends, but trying to maintain an exclusive relationship with someone where the sex is disappointingly bad will just lead to disaster. One way or another she'll sense your dissatisfaction, which won't make her feel any better about things, and you'll probably either really regret missing out on all of the great sex you could be having in another relationship or, worse yet, cheat on her. Ending the relationship could very well be the honorable thing to do.

There is another option if the sex is still bad, if she's open to it, and that would be for the two of you to have an open relationship. That kind of arrangement is most certainly NOT for everyone, but if you really connect with this person emotionally and they can't fulfill your physical desires you might want to consider discussing the possibility of seeking physical pleasure with other partners. This is a last-ditch solution, and in all honesty it would probably be easier, safer, and more respectable to just end the relationship - introducing other partners to the mix partway through an exclusive relationship is FAR from easy - but that doesn't mean the possibility should be ignored entirely either.

Worth saying! Well put.

Richard is going to help me out with Tuesday’s letter. Ahem!

Tomorrow, a dude wants to know if his lack of butterflies and other associated stomach ailments is an indication that his long-distance relationship is going nowhere.

The lay-down let-down

I hate to sound like an insensitive jerk, but I’m starting to think my girl friend is a bad lay. We’ve been sexually active for about a month now, and so far she has not climaxed. She also doesn’t seem to know what to do when she gets on top. I know she’s not a virgin, and to be honest I’d heard that was a demon in the sack. Maybe she’s just been with inexperienced guys before, but I didn’t think so. I’d hate to dump her just for being bad at sex, but that’s how much it’s frustrating me. What do you think is wrong? What should I do?


Good Lord. There are really endless possibilities when it comes to what could be behind your girlfriend’s sexual conduct.

I’ll start with the most cut and dry: it might have something to do with the physical combination of your member and her plumbing. If it seems like she doesn’t know what to do when she gets on top, it could be because she’s being surprised and confused by a painful and/or uncomfortable and/or plainly strange sensation that she hasn't experienced with any of her other sexual partners. If her vagina is more on the shallow side and you have a longish penis (in comparison to her short passage), it might cause her some discomfort in the cervical area to be experiencing entry at such an angle. If her vagina tips at an angle or veers off to the side (these things weren’t designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, people), and you have a bit of a curve to you yourself in an opposing direction, that may also feel strangely to her. She may not realize that with you she needs to try a different type of motion than she’s used to using while on top, and maybe the whole situation will be remedied when she is more accustomed to your physique.

Now, possibly the most obvious possibility: Maybe she doesn’t feel all that comfortable with you. Not all women need to have your respect and devotion in order to use your body to make themselves feel good, just like it is with some men. But this one may need some semblance of security in order to become uninhibited enough to climax, let alone climb on top of you and give you a full view of her body at the mercy of motion and gravity. She may not be sure enough of her feelings for you and your feelings for her. Maybe she really likes you and is still nervous. Maybe you just like different things and she has to get more used to your habits and preferences. This potential situation may also be fixed with time and increased familiarity.

And now, here’s my customary stab at being psychic:

People change their sexual behaviour as their lives go on, sometimes whether they want to or not. What works for you at 15 will not necessarily work for you at 20, what works for you at 20 may not work for you at 25. Et cetera and so on. I don’t know what you heard from your, uh, friends, but maybe your girlfriend has started a ‘lay there and moan’ phase since the time she knew… them.

There’s no one reason why this happens. In this case, whether you meant to or not, you’ve inferred here that she has been promiscuous in the past, by kind of saying that she came with great recommendations. I know that when some women go through periods of feeling antagonized, they can become very passive about sex, craving contact and validation from another human being, but retreating into themselves for the duration of the actual act, because other people have been hurting them and they are afraid to feel anything remotely like humiliation or rejection. Maybe she gets that guys are talking about her. Maybe she perceived on some level that you’re expecting something of her based on some kind of reputation she’s built, or just had imposed upon her, and maybe she is fighting that by demanding that you do all the work. Maybe you need to examine the way you think of her, and consider the likelihood that you are unwittingly giving her the message that you are only valuing her for what you’ve heard she’s capable of.

In summary, the only thing that I am absolutely sure would help in all scenarios, including the three I just presented, is, you guessed it, yes, yes, TALKING.

How do you know she’s not climaxing? If you’ve talked about this at all, you’re on the right track, but maybe she’s not being as vocal about her orgasms as you’re expecting she would be, and that can be a problem, too.

And what are you like during sex? Are you being encouraging? Do you tell her she’s beautiful and make it audible that you’re having a good time? Or do you just lay there, soundless and expectant? It works both ways: sullen is rarely sexy to anybody.

And, another thing: if you feel like you know better what she should be doing on top, have you thought to just tell her?

I ALMOST FORGOT: the HOW. HOW do you talk to her. Well, nicely, for starters. This type of concern is often brought up in the heat of frustration. You really risk putting it off until you can't stand the situation any more, creating the perfect conditions for a volcanic eruption of stupid.

Don't try a point blank question like, 'what is wrong with you?' Bring it up casually, perhaps right after sex when you're laying around together, and ask her questions like, 'does it make you uncomfortable to be on top?' Or make an observation like, 'sometimes when we're having sex, you don't look like you're enjoying yourself,' and follow it up with, 'are you enjoying yourself?' And try thinking of it like something you may have control over, as opposed to some poor service you're getting from some kind of wait staff, and ask her, 'is there anything I can do differently?'

I’m glad you wrote, and I'm glad to respond, but you really need to talk to her, for the love of God.

Usurper as sister: a reader’s response

One lady saw a red flag in Tuesday’s letter (about a girl who doesn’t like seeing her idiot ex spreading his idiot self to other potential idiots and then feeling like she’s watching them being idiots together), that she just could not ignore.

1) Love your use of Turd Ferguson
2) Love the t-t-t-tambourine.
3) I am real quick to feel bad for the new girlfriend in this situation! Not only is she potentially dating a well, Turd Ferguson, who would go after someone while still involved with someone else (does not bode well for the future, frankly), but also, the writer says that she doesn't know how much New Girlfriend knows about what went on. It is very likely that she didn't know about Old Girlfriend's very current status when Turd came on her scene. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt because I have been in that situation myself, and have found out later - it is super awkward (and makes you feel very guilty). I've also been the new GF getting the evil eye from the old GF during social occassions, and damnit if it doesn't freak a person out. She says she was never actually introduced to the girl, and actually, there is a reasonable possibility that the new girl doesn't know who she is, and was only looking her over because our dear question writer was throwing off hostile vibes. I guess it just weirds me out that she said she's so angry at the two of them, when as far as the letter indicates, this was really the guy's doing (harsh way to break up with her btw!). She doesn't have to be best friends with the new lady, but hating her just screams of girl-on-girl crime to me.

(And so, Wednesday is devoted to the following hypothetical situation: a girl is completely unaware of the circumstances of her boyfriend’s last breakup, in which he actually didn’t bother to make things final with the other girl until well after things were underway with the new girl, and the old girl is pissed.)

Yeah! Like I said, don’t be mad at the two of them. It’s easy to project the personality and attitude of the ex onto someone who will touch him after he’s done what he’s done, but the fact remains that she may not be privy to all of his shit. It happens, lots of us have been there, and if that is what has happened here, it sucks that he has put the new girl in that position… the one where a part in some drama she may not even understand is forced on her.

By the time a victim of this kind of shit can know what’s going on, everybody in town may have decided she’s a slag. All of a sudden, this woman is on par with our original Tuesday letter writer, with a similar compulsion to clear her name, and with only a faint notion of what she’s actually done, let alone what to do about it.

So, was my advice to the ex-girlfriend, to leave it alone and let her ex-boyfriend’s new romance take its course, wrong? Should she actually try to warn this girl about this guy’s character? One reader seemed to think so:

girlfriend needs to let the new girl know what she’s getting into. i wish my ex’s ex would have done the same for me, because then maybe i would have dumped him before he cheated on me. i just know that i would have appreciated it.

I don’t know. Maybe now you say you would have appreciated it, but there’s a lot to be said for perspective, a la, you didn’t feel then what you feel now, because you didn’t know then what you know now. I think it’s actually a rare woman who will trust another woman, especially an ex-girlfriend (and potential rival, in their eyes), criticizing somebody she really likes, to have their best interests at heart. But maybe you didn't feel all that strongly about the guy at first, and those feelings grew later on before you could find out the truth. In general, I’d say it’s best to stay out of the lives of exes, not antagonize new girlfriends, and let them learn their own lessons -- especially considering it's more useful for someone to hear information of this nature from someone they feel they can trust, i.e., not their romantic interest's ex -- but I suppose I will make this allowance: some girls do like to think they would like a heads-up.

I really think that anybody who finds out they’ve been tricked into dating somebody who will move on before he’s ended a relationship can either embark on a vigorous, conspicuous, inappropriate innocence campaign, and risk looking guilty and graceless… and really really weird… or! Try to forget about the whole thing and trust that people will get to know her well enough to know she’s not mean, or maybe that people will notice a pattern of deception in the ex’s behaviour that could explain the whole thing. Kind of like what I recommended for ex-girlfriend.

So yeah! I stand by my previous assessment: I still think the ex-girlfriend needs to stop the vicious cycle of giving a damn and resist the fear of judgment of others and live a nice life. Now! For the sake of all womankind, and that is how she can be fair to the new girl.

Love is a battlefield; keep this one a Cold War

I recently attended a party. My ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend were there. I'm still angry at the two of them because he pursued her before breaking it off with me [I hadn't any idea that things were going so badly, he just cut off all communication and left me in the dark on that one for nearly a month, but i digress].

I didn't say anything to them, because there were others around that I could talk to, and to be fair, they hadn't made any attempt to be friendly with me. She kept looking me over, which intrigues me because I haven't any idea what he's told her about me, and yet I'm concerned that she hasn't heard the full story.

I suppose if it ever comes up, I could plead "Well, you never introduced us" (which is true-- he never made an effort to introduce her to me or vice-versa) or "Well, what did you expect? To greet and be BFF with the girl you were pursuing while you were still with me PISS OFF" or something like that. Either way, I'm concerned that my name won't be clear in this situation, and I somehow come off looking like a crazy bitch because I have no desire to know and talk with either of them. It becomes difficult because my ex and I are within the same circle of friends, and will be invited to (and probably attend) the same gatherings.

It hurts enough to see them together-- if I can't protect my heart, is there any way I can protect my dignity and reputation?


The dynamic between the ex-girlfriend and the now-girlfriend can be one of the lumpiest, foggiest, most passive-aggressive things, especially if you’re not on speaking terms with your old flame, things didn’t end well, and you stand to see them around with any frequency at all.

Chances are only slim that he has been kind to your memory. People vent to others about their exes, or anybody else they share any disputes with. It’s an immature impulse that stays with many people all their lives. What’s good is mutual friends and acquaintances will decide for themselves if any criticism of an ex is valid.

True, a person who vents more and to more people may appear to be the more wounded and slighted in the relationship/bloodshed, but they’re perhaps more likely to appear bitter and vengeful if they’re going off on an ex with regularity, and for a period of time disproportionate to the gripes (i.e., if you’re still raving about fair comments an ex made about you in 2002, let me do you the favour of letting you know that you look like jackass. Ahem. ‘You look like a jackass.’ And, you’re welcome). Have you ever heard the expression, ‘give them enough rope and they’ll hang themselves’? Basically, it means that in some situations you should let bitches bitch all they want because it’ll just drive people to side with the silent.

But, it tends to be in a current girlfriend (or boyfriend’s) interest to side with their S.O. when it comes to anything said about a predecessor. They want to please their new romantic interest, they want to come off the winner in any comparison/contest, and they likely don’t want to believe they’re with someone who would say something unfair, or, God forbid, untrue!

It’s better if a girlfriend can be a voice of reason; It's better to discourage pettiness and help him be realistic and reasonable, and see any error in his own actions, because then he can be a better person for her. A guy with any brain at all would come to appreciate and respect a girl who could act so genuinely and intelligently, because those are marks of a truly good person.

But you can’t trust that she’s like that. And you really can't take it upon yourself to try to enlighten her about this guy and your past relationship with him. It'll look crazy, and she's not likely to listen due to all the stuff I said above. Even if you make sense, it will not compute.

So, even though it might make you feel a little helpless, you should probably resign yourself to the fact that your ex has probably said something about his past relationship with you to his new girl, and that unless they’re already in the thick of a really frank and candid meeting-of-the-minds kind of match, she’s not seeing any crack in his reasoning. Yet.

All actual names, places and professions have been replaced with just as believable ones in the following anecdote:

My friend Minnie hooked up with Stevie, who had been recently dumped by Francie. One night, Minnie sat in the light of a single pine-scented candle in Stevie’s basement apartment, and listened to him pronounce all the emotional hardships that Francie had put him through, as a very serious, insensitive girl, always pressuring him to get a better job and go to the gym and stop making his clever clever fart jokes. Minnie laughed as Stevie dubbed Francie ‘beaver-teeth’ or some such rude name. And then they probably did it. You know. It.

A year later, a disillusioned Minnie left Stevie for Dickie, a very serious guy indeed, because, as Minnie found out, all of the criticisms Stevie rhymed off about himself as coming from Francie were pretty valid. Serious Francie is now an investment banker, and to my knowledge Single, Aging Stevie is working the graveyard shift at a KFC in rural Nova Scotia. Jealous?

People who date can’t help but learn a lot about each other. If your ex is not a great guy and if he is not saying fair things about you to this girl, she’ll realize it someday, and she might end up in the same boat you are in now, with a spectacular marine view of what an ass he is. Don’t be angry at the two of them because she might be completely oblivious. She wouldn’t be the first oblivious woman to carry on with a man for a while before things have been officially resolved with another one, for example.

By the time she’s in the boat you are in now, you will be in a different boat. A speedboat on the French Riviera, perhaps. Not giving a damn. You know that’s the outcome, right? In the future, likely the near future, whatever Turd Ferguson is telling his chick about you now won’t matter a whole lot. It’s not even important now (which is why it would look weird for you to try to talk to her about him, another reason to not bother trying to get your story out there).

I think it only hurts you to see them together because you feel like they're conspiring against you, and that you give undue weight to the issue when you think like this. Like you said, they are only two people that you don’t care to know or speak to. So take what I’ve said here, about the inevitable, and don’t know or speak to them (by this I mean, don't seek them out, and just smile and nod when you make eye contact), and don’t care about it. From here it looks like you only risk looking like a crazy bitch if you let yourself feel and act like a crazy bitch now.

Continue to be polite and fun to be around. If you’re cool and they’re jerks, people will notice. If you can’t feel cool, i.e. actualize to yourself the fact that it's not reasonable to care: think cool and act cool, and you’ll find the sensation will be along. If you have trouble smiling at them, just think of this. Always worked for me.

Monday mail makes marvelous

Lots of people had stuff to say about Friday’s letter, on the girl who appears to be smitten with her gay roommate.

One articulate reader took time out of their busy schedule to share:

good luck with that.

How minimalist. In a way that kind of says it all. It’s an extremely sticky situation, and there is likely no perfect solution. I had to offer two potential options in my reply, emphasizing my love for the honesty angle. My gay friend Johnny wrote in to express his preference for the behaviour modification angle:

This line struck me as being very odd: "She likes sleeping in his bed, as opposed to her own."

Dude lets her sleep in his bed? With him?

Perhaps Hernando is in this mess because he likes the attention and enables it? God knows, he wouldn't be the first homo to do something dumb like that.

But setting aside that, I don't think I'd confront her about this as it will only serve to make her upset and paranoid and probably a lousy roommate at the same time.

I like the advice of cutting the strings. Part of the reason she's attracted to him is undoubtedly due to all the attention he gives her.

And, for heaven's sake, tell her to sleep in her own god damn bed.

You’re right, Johnny. I think I should have advised Hernando’s friend to advise him to be more reserved with Janice regardless of whether he decided to tell her how her attention had been making him feel. True, I did say he should have been able to be affectionate with his new, suddenly close female friend, but I should have said that's O.K. provided she was well-adjusted enough to not take it as something it wasn’t, and that does not seem to be Janice, so it follows that his friendliness does seem to have gotten him into trouble here. Live and learn, better late than never… etc.

So I modify my advice. Cut the apron strings a bit, maybe little by little, and see what happens. If nothing improves, I still strongly recommend talking to her, because you know he risks making her upset and paranoid and a lousy roommate if he changes his behaviour with her and she notices and is hurt and confused by that, too. If Hernando ‘confronts’ Janice (though I think that’s a really strong word for what should happen here), there’s a chance it’ll not go well, but there’s a chance she’ll realize how intense she’s being and ease up. It’s kind of an optimistic choice, I think; their friendship (not to mention home life), should it continue, would be more genuine and healthy and relaxed than if he just started avoiding her.

Neither solution is fail proof, and there’s going to be some discomfort no matter what. Sucks!

Somebody agrees an advice alteration was needed:

I think cutting the stings little by little is definitely a smarter choice, especially since she's his roommate and that complicated things quite a bit.
I really do think that Janice is just taking the loose rope Hernando gives her and now he realizes he gave her a bit too much and he's no longer comfortable with that.
I also think he should backtrack one step at the time: start doing things without her, take time away from home to breathe, stop telling her everything, etc.
Truth is, it's sort of like the overbearing friend you were talking about earlier. The fact that he hasn't pushed her away earlier is because a part of him needs or enjoys that closeness as well, so I think both of them are troubled in this and not just the slightly delusional Janice. It seems to me like both of them need the affection and stability. Just now, Hernando feels the need to peel himself away and fly on his own for a bit, and that's exactly what he should do, allthewhile communicating with Janice so she won't double her efforts to try to get closer while he's trying to pull away. Hernando needs to learn how to respect himself and how to communicate so that others respect him as well.

That could all be helpful to consider.

Somebody wrote in to criticize my assessment of Janice:

How can you say you know all this stuff about someone you don’t know? Maybe she’s just awkward. You can’t say for sure she’s in love with the guy.

Hey, sure, it’s definitely possible she just has no idea how to be a friend, if that’s what you mean by ‘awkward.’ I could totally see that. But you know, these blog entries get pretty long anyway without me trying to catch every single possibility for a situation. And, the meat of my advice -- for Hernando to talk to her and/or cool down his involvement a bit -- would work in the situation that you pose, too.

You know, if nobody felt the freedom to make calls in situations concerning people they don’t know, the advice column, as a model, could not be sustained. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN THAT WORLD.

Tune in Tuesday for my thoughts on the dynamic between ex-girlfriends and now-girlfriends, as one girl struggles to not send her ex and his chick mind bullets every time she sees them.

Do unto ME, O.K.?

I think many of us have the same problem with forgiveness as we have with generosity...
My own actions of giving freely, I find, are always saddled with the expectation of future return, an unsatiated desire for reciprocal gratitude...which makes my 'generosity' more like one half of an unspoken and later unfulfilled barter.
How often do we create and cling to our own misery without even realising it?


Well, you sound sad. What you’ve written here reminds me of this anecdote:

I knew a girl once -- I will call her... Oprah (NOT HER REAL NAME) -- who was always doing things for a small group of female friends. Calling them to check in, making plans with them, picking them up, driving them around, buying them thoughtful little gifts.

After a few months to a year of this, these ladies began to feel a little freaked out by Oprah and her special attention, if not at least slightly annoyed. Oprah was making herself the opposite of scarce, calling several times a day, showing up randomly on people’s lawns. She wasn’t a great conversationalist, but she insisted on dominating and controlling group interactions, vetoing topics she didn’t have an interest in and trying to anticipate and intercept comments that might offend others. You can't make this stuff up.

She was also getting to be quite demanding. She had the courtesy to notify her friends of her every single move; why couldn’t they show her the same 'sensitivity'? She knew their birthdays, shoe-sizes, allergies and bedtimes; why didn’t they put the same effort in where she was concerned? Some of the girls in her circle of friends didn’t appreciate the guilt-trip, some of them didn’t appreciate the crawliness they’d feel when her name showed up on their phones. To my knowledge, everybody stopped talking to Oprah, but she found a new circle of friends and used what she learned in her past life about the nature of entitlement and restraining orders to not alienate them, and she’s finally happy with a group of people who aren’t constantly hurting her feelings and/or making her angry.

Oprah is an example of what can happen to people who don’t get the nuances of how to apply the Golden Rule. Some people think, “ok, surefire way to get what I want from people is to give them what I want. Wicked, let’s go.” It isn’t surefire, and it isn’t right to go about doing kindnesses thinking there should be a payoff of some kind (other kindnesses, respect, loyalty) in the end. To answer your question, I think people create and cling to their own misery VERY OFTEN, and I think at least some of them do this by clinging to their own ideas of justice and what is fair and not leaving room for the fact other people won’t necessarily subscribe to them. Maybe you’re really smart and everybody should think the way you do, but that doesn’t mean that they have to, and the more you live in your own head, the more likely you are to fail at life.

Empirically, undoubtedly: the decent thing is to be nice to people who are nice to you. For example, if you want to be friendly to an acquaintance and wave and say hi or whatever, and they’d rather snub you and be cold with you or otherwise make you feel uncomfortable for trying to be civil, this acquaintance may just be a piece of shit, and you likely need to accept that there’s nothing you can do about it, and that there is nothing you should do about it. Don’t try harder to make them like you, and don’t sink to their level of bitchery. They can be as crappy as they want to be, barring harassment and violence, because there is no niceness police. It might help you to passive-aggressively remember that people do notice and many of them do not approve when someone is shitty to someone who doesn’t deserve it, and that a person’s poor treatment of you could come back to bite them on the ass or cause them to lose the respect of a witness, but again: no real niceness police, and few people will support attempts to exact your own brand of vigilante justice over stuff like rudeness.

It’s kind of the same in the case of a romantic relationship. The decent thing is to treat your S.O. just as well as they treat you. If any of you find your boyfriend or girlfriend is not returning the favour, it could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe they’re clueless and/or inexperienced, and maybe you need to let them know that you don’t feel like they’re being fair to you. Maybe you’re overdoing it; maybe your affection is not proportional to the seriousness of your relationship, and that could mean you’re asking for too much and that you have to cool it down. And, there’s the obvious: if you’re not getting what you want from them, he or she may not right for you.

The decent thing is to treat your S.O. just as well as they treat you, but you can only legally prosecute someone for abuse if you can prove it, and no court of law is going to order your girlfriend to bake you a cake just because you baked her one.

Besides the fact that it’ll make you pretty unpopular, it’s not good for your mental health, martyring yourself out of a desire for gratitude. You risk getting to the point where you’re going around resenting ingrates as complete idiots and thinking of yourself as the world’s best person, cultivating the kind of scary arrogance that a lot of insane dudes rock so well.

Giving freely is great, but if it’s making you expect a lot of other people, to the point that you’re feeling miserable and disregarded by those you care about, and you suspect it may be due to a tendency you have to seek gratitude and reward, maybe it’s better – for everyone involved – if you learn to be little ‘selfish.’

Just one more, until 02/14/10

It's Monday so I got some mailllllll. This message is from my friend and yours, Mary of The Mary Report.

I resent the implication that I am well-adjusted and/or satisfied with my life (har har), but really? We just ignore all this business at my house. We don't even acknowledge the day and I like it this way. The first year we were together I was all, "I'm not into Valentine's day, and we're both broke, so let's please not do anything," and he agreed. But then he got me a gift anyway! And it was a really nice gift! But then I felt awful because I didn't get him anything! Ugh!

Anyway. I'm totally going to hit the SuperStore for cheap chocolate on Sunday. Hooray! And Sorry Mom is the best ever.


Mary’s got some good sense.

Know what I did for Valentine’s Day? I shaved my legs. My live-in brought me a Kit-Kat when he got off work, because I called him and asked him to bring me one. We made bacon and eggs, had a bath, and then went to bed at 8 p.m. with a bottle of red wine. Verdict: Best V-Day of all time.

Sidenote: What is with the whole, somebody getting you something for Valentine’s day, or whatever other holiday, after you’ve both agreed to not make a big deal about it? It’s O.K., as long as he or she is like Mary's S.O. and not expecting you to surprise them, too, I guess.

Some people have gotten into real trouble believing Valentine’s Day was not going to be an issue to find their partner was expecting some kind of jewelry commercial-esque plot twist.

Exhibit A:

i made the mistake of starting something casual with a girl in late january. we were each other’s dates to a few rock shows, we had a few “slumber-parties.” i don’t know if i thought i was having a fling, but i wasn’t thinking too hard about it. i just thought we were having fun and seeing where it would go. i didn’t want to do something too big for valentine’s in case it scared her off, because we aren’t all that mush, and really we’ve only been seeing each other a few weeks, and i wouldve felt like an insincere knob. i gave her a little spiderman valentine from my nephew’s set, dropped it in her mailbox because we hadn’t made plans to see each other and i figured she’d be busy. cute, right? i guess not! she called me all, ‘wtf is this shit?’ she wanted me to come over uninvited to ‘surprise’ her (even though that’s what she was expecting? surprise? wtf, right?), and she’s pretty pissed because of what her roommates got from their boyfriends and because she stayed home by herself while they were all out doing something. now i don’t know what kind of shape we’re in. i don’t know if she hates me, i don’t know if i’m supposed to make it up to her, i don’t even know if i want to do that because if i wasn’t sure how i felt about her before i’m def not sure now. and i wonder if we’d be in this shape if only valentines hadn’t happened a few weeks after we started seeing each other. what the hell do i do now?


A kids' Spiderman valentine? That IS pretty cute, and pretty safe, and it looks like this situation called for safe. A few weeks is rarely enough time to know well enough how you feel about someone in order to make crazy declarations. You know, an insincere knob is a dangerous thing to be. People in love with being in love are just the freaking worst. Their relationships have nothing to do with the other party. They just get off on making grand gestures for other people to see –- they’re not having fun with just the person they're with, they have to have everybody else watching -- and its too bad those grand gestures fool unwitting girls and boys into believing they’re onto the real thing with someone.

This girl may in fact watch too many movies, if she doesn’t see the danger of a person who is too lovey too fast. It’s not like you did nothing, which, even given my own relaxed attitude about the 14th, I don't recommend when you're very early into a thing with somebody, unless you make sure there's nothing expected. Because there are varying stances on this stuff, you don't know if you risk hurting somebody's feelings.

Maybe you should have talked to her instead of coming up with your own solution (though I think it was pretty good). In the same breath, what about her? What did she get you for Valentine's Day? It does kind of suck that she didn't have a good night sitting at home while her roomies went out, but she could have suggested you come over or that you do something.

Maybe things would have played out differently if you had gotten together at a different time in the year. It might be telling about her character and maturity that she’s had this reaction. Maybe it’s lucky you got Valentine’s Day out of the way early, because now you’ve seen this side of her. Like I said on Friday, Valentine’s Day doesn’t really create problems, but it can identify them. In relationships, in situations, in people.

But on Valentine's Day sometimes people put pressure on themselves and their partners, crushes, what have you, to make conclusions and statements about their romantic situations, when ordinarily these thoughts and words and actions would just come about with time. The whole thing may be fixed with some talking.

Talk to her about why what you did was right for you. Tell her you didn’t want to scare her off, and tell her you didn’t want to do something you couldn’t possibly mean yet. Listen to what she has to say. Hopefully she makes sense to you, and she appreciates your logic. If you can’t make her understand that you were just doing the most genuine thing you could, and if you decide it was just some dumb-ass cinematic encounter she was looking for, good riddance.

And that does it for V.D. 2009. Tomorrow: a non-relationship question. My range of expertise is broad.

The pink and red elephant in the room

So it's Friday, February 13th. Somewhat predictably, I got a ton of Valentine’s Day-related mail towards the end of this week. I don’t have room to run all of the letters, and because they also somewhat predictably bring up the same main issues, I couldn’t really pick one to use over the others.

Consensus is: people be stressin’ over a Hallmark holiday. Sure, there are the little sweetie pies who are racking their brains trying to come up with something that is enough for their treasured ones (cuuuuute), but then there are people who are going to burn down the candy store.

Some people don’t have an S.O. so they feel left out or even rage-filled. Some people are spoken for but they’re a little afraid to be disappointed. Some people are resenting the obligation to behave differently or more extravagantly tomorrow. It goes on. Whatever.

There’s a lot of anti-Valentine’s Day sentiment out there, a la “it sucks that there’s this social construction geared towards making money for corporations by making people feel bad about themselves.” Valid! I’m not going to take anybody who wants to criticize consumption and commercial manipulation to court because I am on that train like nobody’s business these days.

But, sociology and economics aside, in a purely psychological and existential sense: well-adjusted people who are satisfied in their lives don’t give a damn.

Valentine’s Day triggers an introspective sentiment in a lot of people; it doesn’t create problems, it simply draws attention to problems. Personally, I like cupcakes and chocolate and flowers and crafts and will do low key things for platonic friends and romantic partners alike if the mood strikes and I have the time and resources. But I’ve noticed that Valentine’s Day finds me a little more self-conscious than usual, and intentionally or not I’ve ended up in meditations on the nature of the relationship in the public sphere, and on my relationship in particular, if I was in one. My mood this time of year is always very telling, and I can only assume the case is the same with others. It's the definition of idiotic to resent something just because it makes you think.

If Valentine’s Day gives you a bad feeling about being single, for example, a feeling so bad that it drives you to waste energy being incredulous or very depressed about it: It’s quite possible you’re not happy about being single.

Some people are insistent. “I’m perfectly satisfied when not attached, it’s my parents/friends/coworkers/ex-lovers who make me feel worthless about it with their showing off and shit.” Well, either you’re too easily convinced to feel worthless and therefore not happy about being single, or you require too much validation from others in this area of your life, or your non-romantic relationships with or attitudes about these people need work. All of these are issues deserving of attention, and pre-existing February 14th 2009. Do something about it. Don’t blame Cupid. He’s imaginary. It's not productive.

And don’t despair. For, there is this, my paper lace and macaroni heart to you:

http://sorry-mom.com/

There is much comfort to be drawn, perspective to be gained and lessons to be learned from reading the hook-up horror stories of others. He doesn’t bring you flowers anymore? At least he’s not this guy. Dude, you think you don’t have the first clue about how to handle women? You’re probably in better shape than this guy. And so on.

And don't forget: discount chocolate next week! I can't wait.

Happy, uh, Valentine's Day... I'm sorry

I am dating someone who I really care about. We have our issues as any couple does, but we are really determined to discuss them and to work towards solutions. We both aim to be as honest with each other as possible and are usually successful at that. There is something however that I have not been able to effectively express to him, and it is causing me quite a bit of emotional turmoil.
In the past, my boyfriend has had a bad habit of essentially acting almost ambivilant to my feelings. He would act surprised if I was upset when he broke longstanding plans at the last second. If I dared to complain, he would accuse me of being selfish. Now, I have been upfront with him about how both those actions made me feel, and though some soul-baring conversations, I think we have addressed the underlying issues related to his behaviour in those situations (and mine, as well).
Here is the current issue, though. Basically, I cannot shake the feeling that he is always going to let me down like that, even when he hasn't in quite a long time. If we are meeting up for coffee, and he is a few minutes late, I become convinced that he isn't coming. If he invites me to dinner, until I'm sitting across from him at the table, I am always sure that he will break the date. Valentines Day is coming up, and I'm not at all excited at the prospect of a romantic (cliched, I am aware) night, because I don't think that it will happen. I don't know how to be honest with him about these feelings, because how can you tell someone that you are pretty sure they are going to act like a dick even if they don't deserve it? History does tend to repeat itself, but I want to trust him enough that in this case it won't. I don't know how I can do that though.


It’s really funny how we can come to regard our partner as our worst enemy. We are most vulnerable to them, both because they have a certain access to our lives, and because they are our loved ones and we care so much about what they think and how they feel about us.

When the time comes for him to do something -- or a series of things -- hugely hurtful to you, this emotional power he has over you becomes apparent, and it starts to hang over your relationship like a big awful ugly… hanging… thing… and it can lead you to close yourself off and guard against hurt more and more, effectively reducing your emotional investment in the relationship until it dries up and blows away, completely bloodless.

You know that’s kind of what risks happening here, right? Besides feeling quite miserable yourself, you’re damaging your relationship by expecting the worst, and you stand to hurt it even more if you give him the impression that the strides he’s made don’t matter because you’re still not happy.

You want to know how to express this feeling to him? Here's a very unpopular stance for an advice blogger to take, what with all the honesty and openness rhetoric to be absorbed out there: you should actually button it. I think if you want to continue to see this person romantically, this feeling you have, about how you’re scared he’s going to let you down again, is not worth feeling, and therefore not worth discussing with him.

‘You are such a bitch,' some shocked person is saying out there. 'They are her feelings. How can she help what she feels?'

Well, not easily, but you know what? Anybody can feel a feeling. Just because you feel something doesn’t mean there’s anything very special or inherently right about it. She tells her boyfriend that she’s still waiting for him to let her down. Great. What does he do with that? What does he say to that?

“O.K. lovernut, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing but with this big old useless bad feeling you just gave me to make everything harder! Way to spread the pessimism you’re feeling to me! Hope it made you feel better! See you at dinner! NOT THAT YOU'RE EXPECTING ME TO MAKE IT. THANKS FOR HAVING NO FAITH IN ME.”

Back to you: as you have written here yourself, despite this unpleasant apprehension you feel saddled with, there is currently nothing for you to correct about his behaviour that has not already been corrected. If he's doing alright so far, it doesn’t help him to hear what you’ve already said, it may just hurt him and discourage him, and you don’t have any guarantee that if you tell him what you’re thinking it’ll even help you all that much. Really: Just don’t, O.K.? Not unless a) he actually screws up again and he needs another reminder of how this makes you feel, or b) you're ready to dump him. It sounds like he's doing his best so far, and that you're not planning to dump him, so it's on you now.

How do you shake the feeling? Consider this:

If he does manage to disappoint you someday down the road (and I see that you know that there is a chance he will. Lots of people want to say that life is short but from where I sit, it’s pretty long actually, and there’s no limit to the shit that can go down in this span of time), it actually will not kill you to be disappointed again. That’s life, and that's what forgiveness is for, and if he's worth anything he will not abuse the forgiveness principle.

And that's another thing: Have you forgiven him for what happened before? Do you know what it means to truly forgive? It isn't a matter of just deciding to not exact revenge on him for disservices rendered. It's deciding that his intentions are the best, and trusting that he wants to do what he says he will, and having faith that he will do what he says he will. You should not be with someone you can’t forgive.

I understand that it’s not your fault he hurt you in the first place, and you’re justified in feeling a little bit guarded after the shit time you’ve had with him in the past, but do you want to be justified, or do you want things to work out with him? If you don’t have faith in him, you don’t have much of a relationship. If you cannot let his past behaviour go and trust in his good intentions, if you cannot tolerate any more screw-ups in the future, things may be ruined between you, and you might as well go your separate ways.

Maybe that'll motivate you.

Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

I am the most cynical human being on the face of this Earth. I suffer from clinical depression, and with the weather right now, I'm not the happiest camper.

I am currently dating the prettiest, happiest, most positive girl in the world, and I'm finding it hard to keep up. In such a short time (more than two months) we have fallen completely in love with one another. The problem is that she is in Vancouver, and I am here in New Brunswick; two opposite sides of the country. She will not be back living in my city (which is where she's originally from) until the summer.

The loneliness is really getting to me, waiting for her to come home from fashion school. This makes me a very unpleasant person to talk to, and my social life is confined to Facebook and my apartment as I find that nothing is really fun without her. I am a big grumpy mess, and recently, I've been finding that I have been taking it out on her a lot as she is the only one I really talk to anymore. I get angry when she doesn't show up on time for Skype dates. I get jealous when she tells me how much fun she is having on her weekends.

She is bright, intelligent, funny, comes from a wealthy family, and is going to a good school that costs a lot of money. Now, I know that money and stuff doesn't mean anything to her when it comes to our relationship NOW since we are so young (21 and 25), but I am a university drop out from a lower-middle class family, living paycheck to paycheck, trying to fight off a couple grand in debt, constantly worrying if I'll ever bounce back.

She is incredible, and I do not want to bring her down into my shit hole. The more I think about how I might be bumming her out with my depression when she has no reason to be, I start to feel insecure and that I don't deserve her or that I will only let her down in the end.

How can someone like me with so much love in their heart for a special person like her get over his own insecurities and unhappiness to make the one he loves happy? I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.

Thanks.


Ugh, my heart. You seem like a very sweet, repentant person, and I’ve been in a few long-distance relationships myself, so my shoulders drooped in a special way when I read your letter. Your life, as a long-distance lover, is one of insane highs and miserable lows. You might have lots of people telling you long-distance is a crock. It's true that mine were miserable, and that none of them worked out, but those guys just weren't for me -- I can't blame the long-distance, seeing as I'm happier without them (though I may have been able to tell they weren't right for me if I'd been seeing them more often). Most of the cons people cite about long-distance relationships are reasons to avoid them when you can, not dissolve ones that are already in progress. Anyway, I'm actually not going to discourage you, there.

Lots of people feel like their partner is the best thing they have going on, but it’s that much worse when you’re actually having bad times in other areas of your life, and even worse when you don’t even have your significant other around. Add something like clinical depression to the mix, and it’s hard to have perspective on your life.

You want to be good for her -- happy, successful (whatever your definition of that is) and not unkind to her like you risk when you’re frustrated about Skype commitments and her social life -- and you want to be not miserable for yourself. One of Oprah’s friends once said ‘you need to be a whole before you can be part of a couple.’ The main thing, maybe the obvious thing, is take care of yourself.

About stuff like finances: All you can do is work as hard as you can, and the pay-off happens when it happens. You need to really accept you’re doing the best you can, for your own good, because you don’t help anybody by worrying. What you can dwell on, though, is how to work on yourself. Not just to be an impressive handsome guy, but to feel good, most important of all.

Everybody says ‘get counseling.’ I say that too, of course, if it’s possible for you. If you’re in school and you’re not happy, milk counseling services for all they’re worth while you can. A lot of employers, especially the major ones, offer programs that people can access mental health practitioners through, too. Speak to your family doctor about your situation, and they might have some options for you as well.

But above and beyond that: Are you eating well? Vitamin D is crucial when it comes to mood, especially this time of year, so if you can pick up a bottle of supplements and a fish filet to steam every now and then (if you eat fish), that will make a world of difference. You also get vitamin D from the sun, so you need to get outside where you can see the light for a few minutes any time it comes out from behind the February clouds.

Are you exercising? I would actually advise against joining a gym unless you know you’ll go there. Attaching the whole commuting element, besides the financial one that comes with having a gym membership, makes it easier to not exercise. Take walks in the cold air with a big bottle of water. I know a guy who takes a sheet, fills it with dirty laundry, ties it to his ceiling, and punches at it for an hour before he goes to bed at night. Push-ups? Serotonin, you guys. Serotonin makes exercise so good for depression (and exercise passes the time like gangbusters).

How are you sleeping? Sometimes going to bed late and waking up late really affects your mood and outlook. If you don’t have a work (or Skype) schedule that makes it impossible, even if you don’t have to get up until later, try getting up around 9 a.m. every day. That one’s just a thought. It does work for me, I have to say.

What really makes me sit up and take notice here, though, are your last few lines:

I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.

You said a little further up in your letter that going out doesn’t really interest you and you’re not much fun to be around anyway, because everything pales in comparison to time spent with her, but it also seems like somewhere in your heart you’re a little afraid something could happen out there that might jeopardize things with Ladybug. Someone else might say, ‘well you don’t love her enough, if you think you’ll cheat if you try to go out and have some fun.’ That isn’t what I would say, though.

I wonder if, on some level, maybe subconsciously, in an effort to keep from making mistakes you made before, you’re doing the opposite of what you would usually do because you are just that determined where this girl is concerned. You say you're cynical, but I bet you were a pretty social person despite that (otherwise it's a little harder to be unfaithful), and while you may have had some important romantic relationships, they maybe took more of a back seat to having fun. There’s nothing wrong with that, until you want to be very serious about someone. However, when that time comes, you can’t let your relationship become the thing in your life. You have just got to find more stuff to do and think about, like she has done, otherwise you really risk making her crazy.

This may be something to consider: What has sex meant to you in the past? There are some people who just really like it a lot, but there are scads of people who are addicted to the validation that comes from it. A lot of people in committed, monogamous, but long-distance relationships feel worthless when they’re not getting any (a lot of people in committed, monogamous local relationships feel worthless when they’re only getting it from one person, I might add). When they hit that low, they forget all about who they love, and it doesn’t come back to them until regret sets in. That’s not an excuse, by any means, but if you find that this could be you, it’s a new way to think about and try to make sense of your past behaviour. Time spent considering that could help you find the key to a fulfilling social life while she’s away, and it’ll most definitely benefit your future with her.

Regardless of whether I'm right or not here, bear in mind: Spring, and the end of the school year, is coming soon.

Guest columnists!

Oh hey! I’ve heard from some people who want to lend their $0.02 to what we discussed last week here at TSW. I say: wicked.

First, we have someone weighing in on Thursday’s child, who was having some difficulty with his girlfriend’s online conduct, or rather, the online conduct of others towards her and her handling of it:

I would have to say that the girl I am currently seeing is by far one of the most beautiful women on this planet. She gets a lot of attention whenever we go out and online, especially on her Face Book. I, too, have to read through plenty of off-kilter, uncalled for, disrespectful and perverted comments directed at her on her Face Book (some of them from boys proclaiming their love!), and it does stir up a lot of bad feelings. The jealousy comes from the fact that she is not saying "Hey man, back off" and just lets these assholes objectify her without thinking how it might make me feel, and the anger comes from some douche bag who doesn't respect me, her, or our relationship which, thanks to FB statuses, is very much public.

I would suggest asking her nicely to tell these dead beats to... uhh... beat it. Let her know how much it bothers you, especially on a public forum where it can make you look like the push-over. Or do what I do; acknowledge that that shit is going on and make a similar wall post to shut him up. What can I say, I'm a vindictive dude! I have only been with my girl for about 2 months, but it is really intense and if it means talking to her about it or dissing some "bro" on her wall in public to save the relationship, I say then so be it!

*Shrug* Well put, stranger! It’s a slightly more confrontational approach, but at the core I agree: he’s more than O.K. to say something about it. You also raise a good point, and I don’t know if I had made this clear: these things can put a strain on the dynamic between a couple. I don’t know if it’s a matter of saving the relationship, but it’s better to act (rationally!) than to let resentment well up inside of you.

On Friday, somebody wrote in with some timely questions concerning the latest relationship philosophy phenomenon, He’s Just Not That Into You, namely: Do I really wait for the guy I like to approach me, and how can I show him I’m interested?

One lady kind of disagreed with me… I think:

If a guy really likes you, he WILL ask you out. NO MATTER WHAT.
If a guy might like you, but thinks you won't go out with him and therefore doesn't pursue you...that is because he is letting his own negative self esteem TRUMP his feelings for you and his ability to ask you out. Of course, it doesn't mean that he's "not that into you" but it DOES mean that "he's not that into you" if he has to risk actually asking you out. I know this probably doesn't make sense because you are thinking "but if he likes me, and i like him, then we should go out!" but the thing is that we, as females, go through the same thing...but if we REALLY REALLY REALLY liked a guy...we would let them know. and it is not a big deal to us. (or maybe it is, but we get over it and ask them out.)

If a guy isn't willing to do the same, then he's not THAT into you. He's into you...but not THAT into you. If a guy were really into you the way he SHOULD BE INTO YOU, then he would ask you because life would not be worth living if he didn't have the chance to get to know you better.

Furthermore, guys pursue girls that don't like them and are VERY CLEAR that they don't like them all the time....and guys never get the hint! Conversely, girls always pursue guys that don't really like them....they read into every little act and gesture and then ascribe a heightened sense or meaning to it that isn't really there... For example: "OMG, he sat next to me in class, he's GOT to like me!!!" "Actually...he sat next to you because it was the last open seat in class....wake up?!"

All I'm saying is that a guy doesn't need to know you're into him to ask you out. He will ask you out because he likes you PERIOD. After all, we aren't in junior high anymore. People don't go around telling other people "Hey....So-and-So likes you so you should ask them out." We all know how those relationships worked....they lasted for what?? A day? Maybe 2 weeks at the most....


I’m sorry if it came across like I was encouraging our letter writer to get her friends to set her up with her crush like it’s recess at Degrassi in 1987. By asking if she and he had mutual friends, I just meant that if they did, it’s an indication of how close they are socially and how much time she’s already spending with him. When you’re hanging out with the same people, it’s a start!

But know what I remember about junior high? Everybody tended to become absolutely smitten with others while actually understanding or even knowing very little about them as people. When it became apparent that you liked someone, if they liked you back, you were boyfriend and girlfriend. There was absolutely no building action. It was a simple time.

But it wasn’t a great time. You were up and down, hot and cold. Nobody really thought much about romance, but nobody was the least bit casual about it either. Thank God for adulthood, when dating became about testing the waters and just seeing how you felt and opening your heart to possibilities you wouldn’t have considered when you were a Backstreet Boys fan.

Thank God we learned that feelings can grow over time and that we don’t have to wait for someone we REALLY, REALLY-REALLY are THAT into to come along before we, you know, imbibe (don't lead people on when you know they aren't it for you, or when you know they want something very serious immediately and you're not ready, but otherwise give them a whirl is all I'm saying).

And thank God it’s not necessarily a waste of time to see someone you’re not obsessed with, because that someone might surprise us.

Thank God that we don’t have to lament if a person isn’t as taken with us as we are with them, because maybe the case is they just don’t know you well enough yet.

Thank God it’s a two-way street, too, and men can be just as open as women, and women can be just as proactive as men. Isn’t it great to be an adult?

What you say definitely makes lots of sense; I'm not sure we're disagreeing so much as you're just fleshing out what the book says. I already understood: if someone really REALLY likes somebody, like a LOT, they won’t let their shyness get in the way of something they really KNOW will make them happy.

… Probably. I mean, I could see it.

But while perfectly good men who end up miserable (either alone, or with the wrong person) because they never get the courage to approach anybody they were REALLY, TRULY, VERY MUCH into, are not the norm, they do exist. And I think we can give human beings too much credit – a lot of people, some of them man-people, are pretty passive and easy-going, and just are never that certain about anybody, or even come to consider anybody, until that anybody says, in the words of Abba, “take a chance on me.” Maybe that’s not attractive to some women, maybe that’s not enough for you, maybe you want somebody who will feel very strongly about you from the beginning, but some of us are, I don’t know, disillusioned?

It’s true, and I didn’t think to make the aside: some guys don’t necessarily need to be encouraged. Some really don’t take a hint! But you know that kind of conviction is not something that can happen to every person concerning a person they aren’t already seeing. And, I’ll just put it out there: the likelihood of a man or woman feeling that type of unrelenting conviction increases if they’re mentally unbalanced. Just because Ol’ Crazy will chase the pants off you doesn’t mean Big Sexy will.

I got another reply to this letter:

So, writing as a man, I'd like to say that the book you're talking about is horseshit.

Okay, maybe that's being a bit presumptuous. I haven't read the book, but after seeing what was here I did a wee bit of research. The authors of this book are people who work on (awful) television shows and comedy routines, so I'm not sure why we should be taking them as authorities on the male psyche to begin with, but I digress. Everything I've seen suggests that the book implies a farcical overgeneralization of all men: we think in simple yes/no dichotomies and our only mating strategy is to pursue a woman at all times, at all costs. If it's not clear by my tone already: this is blatantly false.

Men can be every bit as complicated as women when it comes to how we think about relationships. We often have just as many emotional hangups and anxieties when it comes to this sort of thing as women do. And I suppose that's what bothers me the most: As M. aptly notes, this book upholds outdated gender stereotypes which, most of the time, only serve to fuck up our relationship problems even further.

And then another guy summed up:

I have a real problem with "love manuals" or what have you that try and tell us how EVERY SINGLE MAN/WOMAN behaves. Everybody is different and shows their love in different ways, and everybody wants to be treated different kinds of ways.

That pretty much hits the nail on the head, for me. Like I said on Friday, you have to make some allowances for the fact that there are different types of people.

If our letter-writer wants to let the dude be the one to make a move, I did support that. Like I said, the book does have a good point, that philosophy about the guy coming to the girl may stand a good chance of being right, statistically. But I do think that if she wants to try to increase her chances or be proactive, if it’s right for her, she can be a little aggressive, even if it’s just something as simple as making herself more familiar and visible. Her own intuition and style seems to be telling her that there are some aspects of a book (which she found useful, otherwise) she can’t really get behind, and I think, all things considered, she might as well go with that.