In the last year or so, my wife has become very uninterested in sex. In the last six months we have had intercourse once and no additional play at all. I have tried both initiating and not initiating for a while and seeing if she would. I have been romantic, brought her flowers, made her dinner, bought great wine on valentines day and still nothing. When I try to initiate she either brushes it off as her being tired or "stop being silly, we have stuff to do". I am confident she loves me and is not being unfaithful, she is loving and attentive in every other aspect of our relationship.
I love her and I would never leave or be unfaithful but I am getting to the point where I almost want to stop trying to be sexual.
Thanks in advance.
No fair. Sorry to be unromantic, but: when you married this woman, I think she agreed to have regular sex with you for the rest of her natural life. Marriage is serious business and one thing we can lose sight of is the fact that she kind of owes you.
It's a little more complicated than that, of course. "No fair" will not change the fact that she doesn't seem to want to. Sex out of obligation is only attractive to a percentage of men and women. So:
Of the 142 words you've written here, “We have stuff to do,” speaks the most to me. At the risk of sounding like less the femme fatale you should all be assuming that I am: I have been where your wife now stands. And, at the risk of sounding like a generalization-making, self-loathing woman: a lot of us can't do sex when we feel like the rest of our world is in shambles. Does your wife have a stressful job? Is she fighting with family members? Do you have kids who wet the bed? Is the house a pig sty? Are you having money troubles? I'm pretty sure the recession is killing hornies all over the world right now, for example. If you can't identify any problems like these, maybe there's something on her mind that she's not telling you. Take stress and add secrets and you've got the perfect conditions for a nasty case of the frigidity.
I don't mean for you to become suspicious of her. A secret doesn't have to be sinister or sordid -- it could just be something embarrassing that has very little to do with you, for example.
What I do mean is for you to pay attention for the next little while to anything that could be getting her panties in a twist, in the bad way. Though it may sound somewhat unsexy, maybe instead of buying flowers and making dinner, you need to do the laundry or wash the dishes or do your taxes. Supplement any increased domestic-flavoured sensitivity with plenty of non-sexual affection, just so she understands that you're not putting pressure on her. Sometimes women remember how great sex is when it happens 'by mistake,' i.e., when they find themselves surprised to be wanting it.
If no room for improvement becomes apparent to you, strike up a conversation. Not, “why don't we have sex anymore?” Something more like, “is everything O.K., my sweet? Anything stressing you out?”
One of the few good habits I have is asking my loved ones every now and then, “so what's on your mind lately?” I do it regardless of whether I notice anything different about their mood or behaviour, because I'm really curious and I really enjoy talking and I'm especially curious about the fantastic people I've managed to surround myself with. I also know what can go on beyond the surface without anybody knowing. If you're married to this woman, you probably find her fascinating! Why not ask to hear all the weird things in her brain, whenever you want to, just because you can?
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Friday, April 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Queen of Pain
Dear M
My boyfriend is really confusing me! We started out as a secret casual sex thing, He d idn't want people to find out, so i wouldnt show him any special treatment when we met up in public, but he'd get mad at me when we saw each other alone later and acuse me of being mean to him and flirting with other guys. BEing scret wasn't workingm so i asked if we could have a normal boyfriend-girlfriend realtionship. that worked ok for about a month, then he semeed to loose interest, never calling me and not seeming like he wanted to have sex with me. Then he sugested we see each other, but see other people at the same time. So I did that and hooked up with some guys. That REALLY pissed him of. HE got supper jealous. I have been really attentive lately, and he seems to be ignoring me again. Either he's mad and jealous but paying attention to me, or bored and not paying attention to me.. What's going on??
I think you're pretty capable of knowing what's going on here, and what you should do: He can't be pleased, and you should dump him.
But I haven't written a column in several days, AND this one is late, so I'd better lay it all out here to the best of my ability, and colourfully:
When some people think of the words ‘sadist’ or ‘masochist,’ they think of whips and chains and hot wax, when that stuff can just as easily be associated with the words ‘fun,’ and, believe it or not, ‘healthy’; A lot of people with pain and/or humiliation kinks treat it like what it is, and they let their mates in on their fantasies, and it stays in the bedroom, or wherever they keep the cuffs – in other words, in their sexual lives. It’s a game, so they play it. No harm done.
Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is a sado-masochist in a less sexual sense of the word, living the shit 24/7 like a psycho, and likely loving every minute of it no matter what he would have you believe or even what he would acknowledge to himself.
Relevant?: my father once told me that you can tell a lot about a man (like, what he may be like as a mate) by the way he treats his mother, and this observation of his is scarily bang-on. Somewhat in the same vein, you would be surprised at the degree to which some men want to create with their partners something reminiscent of what they had with their Moms, regardless of whether they have good feelings about them or good relationships with them. Either they attempt a recreation of a good mother-son experience, or a correction of a bad mother-son experience. I hate pop psychology just as much as the next hipster, but it’s seriously uncanny, you guys.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy had a serious hate-boner for his mother. Maybe Mom abandoned him in some way. Maybe she left, maybe she cheated on Dad – kids can take it very personally and feel very betrayed when their parents leave or cheat. But, few sons can manage to hate their mothers completely, and the shadows of some very deep feelings manifest themselves in very strange romantic relationship behaviour. Maybe when he’s being cold and bitchy to you, he’s in fact reaming Mom for whatever she did to him. Regardless, somewhere along the line, this guy came to be turned off by things like security and fidelity and affection, and turned on by stuff like paranoia and jealousy and cruelty. Puke!
Regardless, I think he does want you to go out and make him jealous. People who are capable of being honest with themselves about having a similar type of desire identify as cuckhold fetishists. They get off on the idea of their mates getting off with others.
I’m not the most jealous gal, and I have to admit that my eye wanders – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu – but cuckholding is definitely not my thing, and I think it’s a rare couple who isn’t just doing it to look unconditionally cool and can really work this arrangement without destroying each other most unsexily. However, as long as there are people out there who really like this, and manage to lead happy lives while putting it into practice, and can find other people who want to sleep around on them and don’t want to otherwise hurt or take advantage of them, and everybody takes measures to be safe, it’s fine with me.
This guy? Only feels alive when something sketchy and skanky is going on in his life, to make him jealous and to give him something to yell about to you, a.k.a. “New Mom” – all of this is why he looks disinterested now that you’re being good to him.
Here’s another twist: he would rather we all not acknowledge this. He doesn’t want the boom mic or the camera cables slipping into frame, he doesn’t want anybody to see the strings on the puppet, especially you, but mostly him. He likes that he can feel turned on by his jealousy and also feel justified in punishing you, which also turns him on. Your performance is way better for him if you don’t realize it’s all a game and you feel your hurt and confusion genuinely, because it can help him to forget that it’s all a game. It’s all a game that he is selfishly refusing to let you in on.
Either he has a hate-boner for his mother, or he’s watched and/or read more drama than he’s actually managed to live yet. Is he an artist?
In trying to apply this idiotic formula to his life, he is forcing it on your life. It’s a pretty weak formula, it works for him because he’s a pretty weak person, and you should dump him! Wheeee.
My boyfriend is really confusing me! We started out as a secret casual sex thing, He d idn't want people to find out, so i wouldnt show him any special treatment when we met up in public, but he'd get mad at me when we saw each other alone later and acuse me of being mean to him and flirting with other guys. BEing scret wasn't workingm so i asked if we could have a normal boyfriend-girlfriend realtionship. that worked ok for about a month, then he semeed to loose interest, never calling me and not seeming like he wanted to have sex with me. Then he sugested we see each other, but see other people at the same time. So I did that and hooked up with some guys. That REALLY pissed him of. HE got supper jealous. I have been really attentive lately, and he seems to be ignoring me again. Either he's mad and jealous but paying attention to me, or bored and not paying attention to me.. What's going on??
I think you're pretty capable of knowing what's going on here, and what you should do: He can't be pleased, and you should dump him.
But I haven't written a column in several days, AND this one is late, so I'd better lay it all out here to the best of my ability, and colourfully:
When some people think of the words ‘sadist’ or ‘masochist,’ they think of whips and chains and hot wax, when that stuff can just as easily be associated with the words ‘fun,’ and, believe it or not, ‘healthy’; A lot of people with pain and/or humiliation kinks treat it like what it is, and they let their mates in on their fantasies, and it stays in the bedroom, or wherever they keep the cuffs – in other words, in their sexual lives. It’s a game, so they play it. No harm done.
Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is a sado-masochist in a less sexual sense of the word, living the shit 24/7 like a psycho, and likely loving every minute of it no matter what he would have you believe or even what he would acknowledge to himself.
Relevant?: my father once told me that you can tell a lot about a man (like, what he may be like as a mate) by the way he treats his mother, and this observation of his is scarily bang-on. Somewhat in the same vein, you would be surprised at the degree to which some men want to create with their partners something reminiscent of what they had with their Moms, regardless of whether they have good feelings about them or good relationships with them. Either they attempt a recreation of a good mother-son experience, or a correction of a bad mother-son experience. I hate pop psychology just as much as the next hipster, but it’s seriously uncanny, you guys.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy had a serious hate-boner for his mother. Maybe Mom abandoned him in some way. Maybe she left, maybe she cheated on Dad – kids can take it very personally and feel very betrayed when their parents leave or cheat. But, few sons can manage to hate their mothers completely, and the shadows of some very deep feelings manifest themselves in very strange romantic relationship behaviour. Maybe when he’s being cold and bitchy to you, he’s in fact reaming Mom for whatever she did to him. Regardless, somewhere along the line, this guy came to be turned off by things like security and fidelity and affection, and turned on by stuff like paranoia and jealousy and cruelty. Puke!
Regardless, I think he does want you to go out and make him jealous. People who are capable of being honest with themselves about having a similar type of desire identify as cuckhold fetishists. They get off on the idea of their mates getting off with others.
I’m not the most jealous gal, and I have to admit that my eye wanders – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu – but cuckholding is definitely not my thing, and I think it’s a rare couple who isn’t just doing it to look unconditionally cool and can really work this arrangement without destroying each other most unsexily. However, as long as there are people out there who really like this, and manage to lead happy lives while putting it into practice, and can find other people who want to sleep around on them and don’t want to otherwise hurt or take advantage of them, and everybody takes measures to be safe, it’s fine with me.
This guy? Only feels alive when something sketchy and skanky is going on in his life, to make him jealous and to give him something to yell about to you, a.k.a. “New Mom” – all of this is why he looks disinterested now that you’re being good to him.
Here’s another twist: he would rather we all not acknowledge this. He doesn’t want the boom mic or the camera cables slipping into frame, he doesn’t want anybody to see the strings on the puppet, especially you, but mostly him. He likes that he can feel turned on by his jealousy and also feel justified in punishing you, which also turns him on. Your performance is way better for him if you don’t realize it’s all a game and you feel your hurt and confusion genuinely, because it can help him to forget that it’s all a game. It’s all a game that he is selfishly refusing to let you in on.
Either he has a hate-boner for his mother, or he’s watched and/or read more drama than he’s actually managed to live yet. Is he an artist?
In trying to apply this idiotic formula to his life, he is forcing it on your life. It’s a pretty weak formula, it works for him because he’s a pretty weak person, and you should dump him! Wheeee.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Monday madness… yawn.
Boring: I’m pretty tired.
Exciting: I took a trip this weekend! It was really great.
Boring: It was also exhausting. And, upon returning to my home city, it took me two hours to get from the train station to my dwelling due to multiple malfunctions of public transit.
Exciting: I received several notes concerning Thursday’s and Friday’s letters.
First, my friend Mel, who is a mom, discusses her feelings on Nadya Suleman, she of many aliases and, uh, kids:
Oh man I am also slightly obsessed.
I feel if anyone is moved to death threats then all of their touching notes should be directed toward the Dr. who made this all possible. It was hugely irresponsible & dangerous for all involved. At least Octopussy was emotionally invested & perhaps unstable...what is his excuse?
So now we have 8 little babies who will almost definitely grow into 8 little kids with huge medical issues & then 8 adults who will still carry the effects of the Dr's irresponsibility.
They have to worry about infections, heart problems, eye problems, nervous system problems. They have increased rick of CP & autism. As a Dr. he should NEVER have done this.
I don't even know what to say about her. She is like the crazy cat lady of babies.
Snickers! Crazy cat lady! Yeah, apparently this guy has also fertilized another woman in the states, who is now pregnant with quadruplets or some such large brood. Like I said, I’m all for the procedure, I am not in the least bit freaked out by in-vitro and fertility treatments… as long as they’re safe. This business does not appear to be.
Then, I got lots of comment on the guy who wrote to vent a bit and solicit advice concerning his sex life with his girlfriend, whom he felt was not performing to her fullest capacity.
My pal S.B. was perhaps not as kind to our letter-writer as me, but her sentiment was generally the same – communication is important, and he likely could do with a lot more talking and listening:
To be honest, I think the problem is probably on both ends. Maybe the boy should try to be more receptive to the body language of his girl while they're getting it on. It's a matter of talking, but he should also ask himself if he's actually open to the communication HER body. It is about talking, but it's more about listening to the other.
Sex is a team effort. In order for it to be awesome, the players have to be in sync with each other, and to be in sync, you have to listen.
By the way, to the dude, did you even stop to think that the reason why she's not doing much is because YOU'RE doing a crappy job? Maybe you're too busy looking for your own pleasure in all this to be able to entice her into having a good time. These things don't just happen for girls.
My friend Johnny swung by again to give his two cents:
This is all good advice, except it seems to ignore the possibility the girl might just be a bad lay.
Let me be a bit more specific: she might be a bad lay for you. We're not all "one size fits all". Different people have different sexual chemistry, and it might just be that you two are incompatible.
By all means, take M's advice and talk to your girlfriend. I would suggest before sex you talk to her about what turns her on. Be open about what your turns are too! (And I'm not talking about major fetishes or anything, but things like "It'd be hot if you wore some sexy socks when I was fucking you", or "I like be fucked against a wall," etc.) Incorporating those little things into sex will make it hotter for both of you!
But if you're not getting anywhere with talking then dump her. Otherwise, you will seek satisfying sex elsewhere and end up hurting her more than a breakup talk ever would.
I did draw attention to the chemistry principle – people are different psychologically and sexually, which could explain some of the hitches you’ve been hitting so far. Maybe I didn’t make it clear enough that while time and increased familiarity can sometimes be the fix for a few of the situations, it’s definitely not a guarantee. Things can fail if you do manage to talk, too, but two good potential outcomes are: 1) expressing yourselves solves your problems and the relationship is saved and 2) you find out that all the talking in the world won’t make you soul mates and you quit wasting time with each other. I guess I figured the possibility of incompatibility was a given!
I don’t know if before sex is such a great idea -- that is, if you’re looking to have a frank talk. If you want to avoid having an earnest discussion on things, because you already have an idea of what you’d like your encounters to be like, by all means just go ahead and make suggestions just like Johnny uh, suggested, and put those suggestions into practice together real quick. But if you’re interested in getting at the why, I actually don’t think such a conversation should be a prelude to sex. You might require a calm atmosphere in a timeslot when you’re not doing much of anything else and when you’re feeling close to each other, I figure.
And Johnny is right: once it’s become apparent to you that it’s just not going to work, you need to follow through on that conclusion and make your classy exit. Sometimes dumping somebody can be the most stand-up, respectful thing you can do for them. A person who allows himself or herself to remain only partly invested in their partner is actually not giving their partner much regard at all.
And lastly, my buddy Richard McRichardson chimes in from afar:
He should definitely talk to her. But what if things don't work out? What if, after all of the conversation, explanation, and communication, things still aren't so steamy in the bedroom?
It might feel harsh to dump someone over bad sex, but let's face it: sex is a very important part of the vast majority of relationships. It's not "superficial" to value the physical aspects of your relationship along with the emotional ones and, frankly, bad sex could very well be worth dumping someone over. But let's not be hasty.
It's important that, along with all the communication, you give this time. Changes may not happen overnight, and she might have to adjust to your particular tastes in a number of ways. But if, at the end of the day, the sex is still bad, you're well within your rights to (politely!) call things off. Maybe she's a really cool person, and maybe the two of you can still be great friends, but trying to maintain an exclusive relationship with someone where the sex is disappointingly bad will just lead to disaster. One way or another she'll sense your dissatisfaction, which won't make her feel any better about things, and you'll probably either really regret missing out on all of the great sex you could be having in another relationship or, worse yet, cheat on her. Ending the relationship could very well be the honorable thing to do.
There is another option if the sex is still bad, if she's open to it, and that would be for the two of you to have an open relationship. That kind of arrangement is most certainly NOT for everyone, but if you really connect with this person emotionally and they can't fulfill your physical desires you might want to consider discussing the possibility of seeking physical pleasure with other partners. This is a last-ditch solution, and in all honesty it would probably be easier, safer, and more respectable to just end the relationship - introducing other partners to the mix partway through an exclusive relationship is FAR from easy - but that doesn't mean the possibility should be ignored entirely either.
Worth saying! Well put.
Richard is going to help me out with Tuesday’s letter. Ahem!
Tomorrow, a dude wants to know if his lack of butterflies and other associated stomach ailments is an indication that his long-distance relationship is going nowhere.
Exciting: I took a trip this weekend! It was really great.
Boring: It was also exhausting. And, upon returning to my home city, it took me two hours to get from the train station to my dwelling due to multiple malfunctions of public transit.
Exciting: I received several notes concerning Thursday’s and Friday’s letters.
First, my friend Mel, who is a mom, discusses her feelings on Nadya Suleman, she of many aliases and, uh, kids:
Oh man I am also slightly obsessed.
I feel if anyone is moved to death threats then all of their touching notes should be directed toward the Dr. who made this all possible. It was hugely irresponsible & dangerous for all involved. At least Octopussy was emotionally invested & perhaps unstable...what is his excuse?
So now we have 8 little babies who will almost definitely grow into 8 little kids with huge medical issues & then 8 adults who will still carry the effects of the Dr's irresponsibility.
They have to worry about infections, heart problems, eye problems, nervous system problems. They have increased rick of CP & autism. As a Dr. he should NEVER have done this.
I don't even know what to say about her. She is like the crazy cat lady of babies.
Snickers! Crazy cat lady! Yeah, apparently this guy has also fertilized another woman in the states, who is now pregnant with quadruplets or some such large brood. Like I said, I’m all for the procedure, I am not in the least bit freaked out by in-vitro and fertility treatments… as long as they’re safe. This business does not appear to be.
Then, I got lots of comment on the guy who wrote to vent a bit and solicit advice concerning his sex life with his girlfriend, whom he felt was not performing to her fullest capacity.
My pal S.B. was perhaps not as kind to our letter-writer as me, but her sentiment was generally the same – communication is important, and he likely could do with a lot more talking and listening:
To be honest, I think the problem is probably on both ends. Maybe the boy should try to be more receptive to the body language of his girl while they're getting it on. It's a matter of talking, but he should also ask himself if he's actually open to the communication HER body. It is about talking, but it's more about listening to the other.
Sex is a team effort. In order for it to be awesome, the players have to be in sync with each other, and to be in sync, you have to listen.
By the way, to the dude, did you even stop to think that the reason why she's not doing much is because YOU'RE doing a crappy job? Maybe you're too busy looking for your own pleasure in all this to be able to entice her into having a good time. These things don't just happen for girls.
My friend Johnny swung by again to give his two cents:
This is all good advice, except it seems to ignore the possibility the girl might just be a bad lay.
Let me be a bit more specific: she might be a bad lay for you. We're not all "one size fits all". Different people have different sexual chemistry, and it might just be that you two are incompatible.
By all means, take M's advice and talk to your girlfriend. I would suggest before sex you talk to her about what turns her on. Be open about what your turns are too! (And I'm not talking about major fetishes or anything, but things like "It'd be hot if you wore some sexy socks when I was fucking you", or "I like be fucked against a wall," etc.) Incorporating those little things into sex will make it hotter for both of you!
But if you're not getting anywhere with talking then dump her. Otherwise, you will seek satisfying sex elsewhere and end up hurting her more than a breakup talk ever would.
I did draw attention to the chemistry principle – people are different psychologically and sexually, which could explain some of the hitches you’ve been hitting so far. Maybe I didn’t make it clear enough that while time and increased familiarity can sometimes be the fix for a few of the situations, it’s definitely not a guarantee. Things can fail if you do manage to talk, too, but two good potential outcomes are: 1) expressing yourselves solves your problems and the relationship is saved and 2) you find out that all the talking in the world won’t make you soul mates and you quit wasting time with each other. I guess I figured the possibility of incompatibility was a given!
I don’t know if before sex is such a great idea -- that is, if you’re looking to have a frank talk. If you want to avoid having an earnest discussion on things, because you already have an idea of what you’d like your encounters to be like, by all means just go ahead and make suggestions just like Johnny uh, suggested, and put those suggestions into practice together real quick. But if you’re interested in getting at the why, I actually don’t think such a conversation should be a prelude to sex. You might require a calm atmosphere in a timeslot when you’re not doing much of anything else and when you’re feeling close to each other, I figure.
And Johnny is right: once it’s become apparent to you that it’s just not going to work, you need to follow through on that conclusion and make your classy exit. Sometimes dumping somebody can be the most stand-up, respectful thing you can do for them. A person who allows himself or herself to remain only partly invested in their partner is actually not giving their partner much regard at all.
And lastly, my buddy Richard McRichardson chimes in from afar:
He should definitely talk to her. But what if things don't work out? What if, after all of the conversation, explanation, and communication, things still aren't so steamy in the bedroom?
It might feel harsh to dump someone over bad sex, but let's face it: sex is a very important part of the vast majority of relationships. It's not "superficial" to value the physical aspects of your relationship along with the emotional ones and, frankly, bad sex could very well be worth dumping someone over. But let's not be hasty.
It's important that, along with all the communication, you give this time. Changes may not happen overnight, and she might have to adjust to your particular tastes in a number of ways. But if, at the end of the day, the sex is still bad, you're well within your rights to (politely!) call things off. Maybe she's a really cool person, and maybe the two of you can still be great friends, but trying to maintain an exclusive relationship with someone where the sex is disappointingly bad will just lead to disaster. One way or another she'll sense your dissatisfaction, which won't make her feel any better about things, and you'll probably either really regret missing out on all of the great sex you could be having in another relationship or, worse yet, cheat on her. Ending the relationship could very well be the honorable thing to do.
There is another option if the sex is still bad, if she's open to it, and that would be for the two of you to have an open relationship. That kind of arrangement is most certainly NOT for everyone, but if you really connect with this person emotionally and they can't fulfill your physical desires you might want to consider discussing the possibility of seeking physical pleasure with other partners. This is a last-ditch solution, and in all honesty it would probably be easier, safer, and more respectable to just end the relationship - introducing other partners to the mix partway through an exclusive relationship is FAR from easy - but that doesn't mean the possibility should be ignored entirely either.
Worth saying! Well put.
Richard is going to help me out with Tuesday’s letter. Ahem!
Tomorrow, a dude wants to know if his lack of butterflies and other associated stomach ailments is an indication that his long-distance relationship is going nowhere.
Friday, February 27, 2009
The lay-down let-down
I hate to sound like an insensitive jerk, but I’m starting to think my girl friend is a bad lay. We’ve been sexually active for about a month now, and so far she has not climaxed. She also doesn’t seem to know what to do when she gets on top. I know she’s not a virgin, and to be honest I’d heard that was a demon in the sack. Maybe she’s just been with inexperienced guys before, but I didn’t think so. I’d hate to dump her just for being bad at sex, but that’s how much it’s frustrating me. What do you think is wrong? What should I do?
Good Lord. There are really endless possibilities when it comes to what could be behind your girlfriend’s sexual conduct.
I’ll start with the most cut and dry: it might have something to do with the physical combination of your member and her plumbing. If it seems like she doesn’t know what to do when she gets on top, it could be because she’s being surprised and confused by a painful and/or uncomfortable and/or plainly strange sensation that she hasn't experienced with any of her other sexual partners. If her vagina is more on the shallow side and you have a longish penis (in comparison to her short passage), it might cause her some discomfort in the cervical area to be experiencing entry at such an angle. If her vagina tips at an angle or veers off to the side (these things weren’t designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, people), and you have a bit of a curve to you yourself in an opposing direction, that may also feel strangely to her. She may not realize that with you she needs to try a different type of motion than she’s used to using while on top, and maybe the whole situation will be remedied when she is more accustomed to your physique.
Now, possibly the most obvious possibility: Maybe she doesn’t feel all that comfortable with you. Not all women need to have your respect and devotion in order to use your body to make themselves feel good, just like it is with some men. But this one may need some semblance of security in order to become uninhibited enough to climax, let alone climb on top of you and give you a full view of her body at the mercy of motion and gravity. She may not be sure enough of her feelings for you and your feelings for her. Maybe she really likes you and is still nervous. Maybe you just like different things and she has to get more used to your habits and preferences. This potential situation may also be fixed with time and increased familiarity.
And now, here’s my customary stab at being psychic:
People change their sexual behaviour as their lives go on, sometimes whether they want to or not. What works for you at 15 will not necessarily work for you at 20, what works for you at 20 may not work for you at 25. Et cetera and so on. I don’t know what you heard from your, uh, friends, but maybe your girlfriend has started a ‘lay there and moan’ phase since the time she knew… them.
There’s no one reason why this happens. In this case, whether you meant to or not, you’ve inferred here that she has been promiscuous in the past, by kind of saying that she came with great recommendations. I know that when some women go through periods of feeling antagonized, they can become very passive about sex, craving contact and validation from another human being, but retreating into themselves for the duration of the actual act, because other people have been hurting them and they are afraid to feel anything remotely like humiliation or rejection. Maybe she gets that guys are talking about her. Maybe she perceived on some level that you’re expecting something of her based on some kind of reputation she’s built, or just had imposed upon her, and maybe she is fighting that by demanding that you do all the work. Maybe you need to examine the way you think of her, and consider the likelihood that you are unwittingly giving her the message that you are only valuing her for what you’ve heard she’s capable of.
In summary, the only thing that I am absolutely sure would help in all scenarios, including the three I just presented, is, you guessed it, yes, yes, TALKING.
How do you know she’s not climaxing? If you’ve talked about this at all, you’re on the right track, but maybe she’s not being as vocal about her orgasms as you’re expecting she would be, and that can be a problem, too.
And what are you like during sex? Are you being encouraging? Do you tell her she’s beautiful and make it audible that you’re having a good time? Or do you just lay there, soundless and expectant? It works both ways: sullen is rarely sexy to anybody.
And, another thing: if you feel like you know better what she should be doing on top, have you thought to just tell her?
I ALMOST FORGOT: the HOW. HOW do you talk to her. Well, nicely, for starters. This type of concern is often brought up in the heat of frustration. You really risk putting it off until you can't stand the situation any more, creating the perfect conditions for a volcanic eruption of stupid.
Don't try a point blank question like, 'what is wrong with you?' Bring it up casually, perhaps right after sex when you're laying around together, and ask her questions like, 'does it make you uncomfortable to be on top?' Or make an observation like, 'sometimes when we're having sex, you don't look like you're enjoying yourself,' and follow it up with, 'are you enjoying yourself?' And try thinking of it like something you may have control over, as opposed to some poor service you're getting from some kind of wait staff, and ask her, 'is there anything I can do differently?'
I’m glad you wrote, and I'm glad to respond, but you really need to talk to her, for the love of God.
Good Lord. There are really endless possibilities when it comes to what could be behind your girlfriend’s sexual conduct.
I’ll start with the most cut and dry: it might have something to do with the physical combination of your member and her plumbing. If it seems like she doesn’t know what to do when she gets on top, it could be because she’s being surprised and confused by a painful and/or uncomfortable and/or plainly strange sensation that she hasn't experienced with any of her other sexual partners. If her vagina is more on the shallow side and you have a longish penis (in comparison to her short passage), it might cause her some discomfort in the cervical area to be experiencing entry at such an angle. If her vagina tips at an angle or veers off to the side (these things weren’t designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, people), and you have a bit of a curve to you yourself in an opposing direction, that may also feel strangely to her. She may not realize that with you she needs to try a different type of motion than she’s used to using while on top, and maybe the whole situation will be remedied when she is more accustomed to your physique.
Now, possibly the most obvious possibility: Maybe she doesn’t feel all that comfortable with you. Not all women need to have your respect and devotion in order to use your body to make themselves feel good, just like it is with some men. But this one may need some semblance of security in order to become uninhibited enough to climax, let alone climb on top of you and give you a full view of her body at the mercy of motion and gravity. She may not be sure enough of her feelings for you and your feelings for her. Maybe she really likes you and is still nervous. Maybe you just like different things and she has to get more used to your habits and preferences. This potential situation may also be fixed with time and increased familiarity.
And now, here’s my customary stab at being psychic:
People change their sexual behaviour as their lives go on, sometimes whether they want to or not. What works for you at 15 will not necessarily work for you at 20, what works for you at 20 may not work for you at 25. Et cetera and so on. I don’t know what you heard from your, uh, friends, but maybe your girlfriend has started a ‘lay there and moan’ phase since the time she knew… them.
There’s no one reason why this happens. In this case, whether you meant to or not, you’ve inferred here that she has been promiscuous in the past, by kind of saying that she came with great recommendations. I know that when some women go through periods of feeling antagonized, they can become very passive about sex, craving contact and validation from another human being, but retreating into themselves for the duration of the actual act, because other people have been hurting them and they are afraid to feel anything remotely like humiliation or rejection. Maybe she gets that guys are talking about her. Maybe she perceived on some level that you’re expecting something of her based on some kind of reputation she’s built, or just had imposed upon her, and maybe she is fighting that by demanding that you do all the work. Maybe you need to examine the way you think of her, and consider the likelihood that you are unwittingly giving her the message that you are only valuing her for what you’ve heard she’s capable of.
In summary, the only thing that I am absolutely sure would help in all scenarios, including the three I just presented, is, you guessed it, yes, yes, TALKING.
How do you know she’s not climaxing? If you’ve talked about this at all, you’re on the right track, but maybe she’s not being as vocal about her orgasms as you’re expecting she would be, and that can be a problem, too.
And what are you like during sex? Are you being encouraging? Do you tell her she’s beautiful and make it audible that you’re having a good time? Or do you just lay there, soundless and expectant? It works both ways: sullen is rarely sexy to anybody.
And, another thing: if you feel like you know better what she should be doing on top, have you thought to just tell her?
I ALMOST FORGOT: the HOW. HOW do you talk to her. Well, nicely, for starters. This type of concern is often brought up in the heat of frustration. You really risk putting it off until you can't stand the situation any more, creating the perfect conditions for a volcanic eruption of stupid.
Don't try a point blank question like, 'what is wrong with you?' Bring it up casually, perhaps right after sex when you're laying around together, and ask her questions like, 'does it make you uncomfortable to be on top?' Or make an observation like, 'sometimes when we're having sex, you don't look like you're enjoying yourself,' and follow it up with, 'are you enjoying yourself?' And try thinking of it like something you may have control over, as opposed to some poor service you're getting from some kind of wait staff, and ask her, 'is there anything I can do differently?'
I’m glad you wrote, and I'm glad to respond, but you really need to talk to her, for the love of God.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
I am the most cynical human being on the face of this Earth. I suffer from clinical depression, and with the weather right now, I'm not the happiest camper.
I am currently dating the prettiest, happiest, most positive girl in the world, and I'm finding it hard to keep up. In such a short time (more than two months) we have fallen completely in love with one another. The problem is that she is in Vancouver, and I am here in New Brunswick; two opposite sides of the country. She will not be back living in my city (which is where she's originally from) until the summer.
The loneliness is really getting to me, waiting for her to come home from fashion school. This makes me a very unpleasant person to talk to, and my social life is confined to Facebook and my apartment as I find that nothing is really fun without her. I am a big grumpy mess, and recently, I've been finding that I have been taking it out on her a lot as she is the only one I really talk to anymore. I get angry when she doesn't show up on time for Skype dates. I get jealous when she tells me how much fun she is having on her weekends.
She is bright, intelligent, funny, comes from a wealthy family, and is going to a good school that costs a lot of money. Now, I know that money and stuff doesn't mean anything to her when it comes to our relationship NOW since we are so young (21 and 25), but I am a university drop out from a lower-middle class family, living paycheck to paycheck, trying to fight off a couple grand in debt, constantly worrying if I'll ever bounce back.
She is incredible, and I do not want to bring her down into my shit hole. The more I think about how I might be bumming her out with my depression when she has no reason to be, I start to feel insecure and that I don't deserve her or that I will only let her down in the end.
How can someone like me with so much love in their heart for a special person like her get over his own insecurities and unhappiness to make the one he loves happy? I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.
Thanks.
Ugh, my heart. You seem like a very sweet, repentant person, and I’ve been in a few long-distance relationships myself, so my shoulders drooped in a special way when I read your letter. Your life, as a long-distance lover, is one of insane highs and miserable lows. You might have lots of people telling you long-distance is a crock. It's true that mine were miserable, and that none of them worked out, but those guys just weren't for me -- I can't blame the long-distance, seeing as I'm happier without them (though I may have been able to tell they weren't right for me if I'd been seeing them more often). Most of the cons people cite about long-distance relationships are reasons to avoid them when you can, not dissolve ones that are already in progress. Anyway, I'm actually not going to discourage you, there.
Lots of people feel like their partner is the best thing they have going on, but it’s that much worse when you’re actually having bad times in other areas of your life, and even worse when you don’t even have your significant other around. Add something like clinical depression to the mix, and it’s hard to have perspective on your life.
You want to be good for her -- happy, successful (whatever your definition of that is) and not unkind to her like you risk when you’re frustrated about Skype commitments and her social life -- and you want to be not miserable for yourself. One of Oprah’s friends once said ‘you need to be a whole before you can be part of a couple.’ The main thing, maybe the obvious thing, is take care of yourself.
About stuff like finances: All you can do is work as hard as you can, and the pay-off happens when it happens. You need to really accept you’re doing the best you can, for your own good, because you don’t help anybody by worrying. What you can dwell on, though, is how to work on yourself. Not just to be an impressive handsome guy, but to feel good, most important of all.
Everybody says ‘get counseling.’ I say that too, of course, if it’s possible for you. If you’re in school and you’re not happy, milk counseling services for all they’re worth while you can. A lot of employers, especially the major ones, offer programs that people can access mental health practitioners through, too. Speak to your family doctor about your situation, and they might have some options for you as well.
But above and beyond that: Are you eating well? Vitamin D is crucial when it comes to mood, especially this time of year, so if you can pick up a bottle of supplements and a fish filet to steam every now and then (if you eat fish), that will make a world of difference. You also get vitamin D from the sun, so you need to get outside where you can see the light for a few minutes any time it comes out from behind the February clouds.
Are you exercising? I would actually advise against joining a gym unless you know you’ll go there. Attaching the whole commuting element, besides the financial one that comes with having a gym membership, makes it easier to not exercise. Take walks in the cold air with a big bottle of water. I know a guy who takes a sheet, fills it with dirty laundry, ties it to his ceiling, and punches at it for an hour before he goes to bed at night. Push-ups? Serotonin, you guys. Serotonin makes exercise so good for depression (and exercise passes the time like gangbusters).
How are you sleeping? Sometimes going to bed late and waking up late really affects your mood and outlook. If you don’t have a work (or Skype) schedule that makes it impossible, even if you don’t have to get up until later, try getting up around 9 a.m. every day. That one’s just a thought. It does work for me, I have to say.
What really makes me sit up and take notice here, though, are your last few lines:
I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.
You said a little further up in your letter that going out doesn’t really interest you and you’re not much fun to be around anyway, because everything pales in comparison to time spent with her, but it also seems like somewhere in your heart you’re a little afraid something could happen out there that might jeopardize things with Ladybug. Someone else might say, ‘well you don’t love her enough, if you think you’ll cheat if you try to go out and have some fun.’ That isn’t what I would say, though.
I wonder if, on some level, maybe subconsciously, in an effort to keep from making mistakes you made before, you’re doing the opposite of what you would usually do because you are just that determined where this girl is concerned. You say you're cynical, but I bet you were a pretty social person despite that (otherwise it's a little harder to be unfaithful), and while you may have had some important romantic relationships, they maybe took more of a back seat to having fun. There’s nothing wrong with that, until you want to be very serious about someone. However, when that time comes, you can’t let your relationship become the thing in your life. You have just got to find more stuff to do and think about, like she has done, otherwise you really risk making her crazy.
This may be something to consider: What has sex meant to you in the past? There are some people who just really like it a lot, but there are scads of people who are addicted to the validation that comes from it. A lot of people in committed, monogamous, but long-distance relationships feel worthless when they’re not getting any (a lot of people in committed, monogamous local relationships feel worthless when they’re only getting it from one person, I might add). When they hit that low, they forget all about who they love, and it doesn’t come back to them until regret sets in. That’s not an excuse, by any means, but if you find that this could be you, it’s a new way to think about and try to make sense of your past behaviour. Time spent considering that could help you find the key to a fulfilling social life while she’s away, and it’ll most definitely benefit your future with her.
Regardless of whether I'm right or not here, bear in mind: Spring, and the end of the school year, is coming soon.
I am currently dating the prettiest, happiest, most positive girl in the world, and I'm finding it hard to keep up. In such a short time (more than two months) we have fallen completely in love with one another. The problem is that she is in Vancouver, and I am here in New Brunswick; two opposite sides of the country. She will not be back living in my city (which is where she's originally from) until the summer.
The loneliness is really getting to me, waiting for her to come home from fashion school. This makes me a very unpleasant person to talk to, and my social life is confined to Facebook and my apartment as I find that nothing is really fun without her. I am a big grumpy mess, and recently, I've been finding that I have been taking it out on her a lot as she is the only one I really talk to anymore. I get angry when she doesn't show up on time for Skype dates. I get jealous when she tells me how much fun she is having on her weekends.
She is bright, intelligent, funny, comes from a wealthy family, and is going to a good school that costs a lot of money. Now, I know that money and stuff doesn't mean anything to her when it comes to our relationship NOW since we are so young (21 and 25), but I am a university drop out from a lower-middle class family, living paycheck to paycheck, trying to fight off a couple grand in debt, constantly worrying if I'll ever bounce back.
She is incredible, and I do not want to bring her down into my shit hole. The more I think about how I might be bumming her out with my depression when she has no reason to be, I start to feel insecure and that I don't deserve her or that I will only let her down in the end.
How can someone like me with so much love in their heart for a special person like her get over his own insecurities and unhappiness to make the one he loves happy? I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.
Thanks.
Ugh, my heart. You seem like a very sweet, repentant person, and I’ve been in a few long-distance relationships myself, so my shoulders drooped in a special way when I read your letter. Your life, as a long-distance lover, is one of insane highs and miserable lows. You might have lots of people telling you long-distance is a crock. It's true that mine were miserable, and that none of them worked out, but those guys just weren't for me -- I can't blame the long-distance, seeing as I'm happier without them (though I may have been able to tell they weren't right for me if I'd been seeing them more often). Most of the cons people cite about long-distance relationships are reasons to avoid them when you can, not dissolve ones that are already in progress. Anyway, I'm actually not going to discourage you, there.
Lots of people feel like their partner is the best thing they have going on, but it’s that much worse when you’re actually having bad times in other areas of your life, and even worse when you don’t even have your significant other around. Add something like clinical depression to the mix, and it’s hard to have perspective on your life.
You want to be good for her -- happy, successful (whatever your definition of that is) and not unkind to her like you risk when you’re frustrated about Skype commitments and her social life -- and you want to be not miserable for yourself. One of Oprah’s friends once said ‘you need to be a whole before you can be part of a couple.’ The main thing, maybe the obvious thing, is take care of yourself.
About stuff like finances: All you can do is work as hard as you can, and the pay-off happens when it happens. You need to really accept you’re doing the best you can, for your own good, because you don’t help anybody by worrying. What you can dwell on, though, is how to work on yourself. Not just to be an impressive handsome guy, but to feel good, most important of all.
Everybody says ‘get counseling.’ I say that too, of course, if it’s possible for you. If you’re in school and you’re not happy, milk counseling services for all they’re worth while you can. A lot of employers, especially the major ones, offer programs that people can access mental health practitioners through, too. Speak to your family doctor about your situation, and they might have some options for you as well.
But above and beyond that: Are you eating well? Vitamin D is crucial when it comes to mood, especially this time of year, so if you can pick up a bottle of supplements and a fish filet to steam every now and then (if you eat fish), that will make a world of difference. You also get vitamin D from the sun, so you need to get outside where you can see the light for a few minutes any time it comes out from behind the February clouds.
Are you exercising? I would actually advise against joining a gym unless you know you’ll go there. Attaching the whole commuting element, besides the financial one that comes with having a gym membership, makes it easier to not exercise. Take walks in the cold air with a big bottle of water. I know a guy who takes a sheet, fills it with dirty laundry, ties it to his ceiling, and punches at it for an hour before he goes to bed at night. Push-ups? Serotonin, you guys. Serotonin makes exercise so good for depression (and exercise passes the time like gangbusters).
How are you sleeping? Sometimes going to bed late and waking up late really affects your mood and outlook. If you don’t have a work (or Skype) schedule that makes it impossible, even if you don’t have to get up until later, try getting up around 9 a.m. every day. That one’s just a thought. It does work for me, I have to say.
What really makes me sit up and take notice here, though, are your last few lines:
I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.
You said a little further up in your letter that going out doesn’t really interest you and you’re not much fun to be around anyway, because everything pales in comparison to time spent with her, but it also seems like somewhere in your heart you’re a little afraid something could happen out there that might jeopardize things with Ladybug. Someone else might say, ‘well you don’t love her enough, if you think you’ll cheat if you try to go out and have some fun.’ That isn’t what I would say, though.
I wonder if, on some level, maybe subconsciously, in an effort to keep from making mistakes you made before, you’re doing the opposite of what you would usually do because you are just that determined where this girl is concerned. You say you're cynical, but I bet you were a pretty social person despite that (otherwise it's a little harder to be unfaithful), and while you may have had some important romantic relationships, they maybe took more of a back seat to having fun. There’s nothing wrong with that, until you want to be very serious about someone. However, when that time comes, you can’t let your relationship become the thing in your life. You have just got to find more stuff to do and think about, like she has done, otherwise you really risk making her crazy.
This may be something to consider: What has sex meant to you in the past? There are some people who just really like it a lot, but there are scads of people who are addicted to the validation that comes from it. A lot of people in committed, monogamous, but long-distance relationships feel worthless when they’re not getting any (a lot of people in committed, monogamous local relationships feel worthless when they’re only getting it from one person, I might add). When they hit that low, they forget all about who they love, and it doesn’t come back to them until regret sets in. That’s not an excuse, by any means, but if you find that this could be you, it’s a new way to think about and try to make sense of your past behaviour. Time spent considering that could help you find the key to a fulfilling social life while she’s away, and it’ll most definitely benefit your future with her.
Regardless of whether I'm right or not here, bear in mind: Spring, and the end of the school year, is coming soon.
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