In the last year or so, my wife has become very uninterested in sex. In the last six months we have had intercourse once and no additional play at all. I have tried both initiating and not initiating for a while and seeing if she would. I have been romantic, brought her flowers, made her dinner, bought great wine on valentines day and still nothing. When I try to initiate she either brushes it off as her being tired or "stop being silly, we have stuff to do". I am confident she loves me and is not being unfaithful, she is loving and attentive in every other aspect of our relationship.
I love her and I would never leave or be unfaithful but I am getting to the point where I almost want to stop trying to be sexual.
Thanks in advance.
No fair. Sorry to be unromantic, but: when you married this woman, I think she agreed to have regular sex with you for the rest of her natural life. Marriage is serious business and one thing we can lose sight of is the fact that she kind of owes you.
It's a little more complicated than that, of course. "No fair" will not change the fact that she doesn't seem to want to. Sex out of obligation is only attractive to a percentage of men and women. So:
Of the 142 words you've written here, “We have stuff to do,” speaks the most to me. At the risk of sounding like less the femme fatale you should all be assuming that I am: I have been where your wife now stands. And, at the risk of sounding like a generalization-making, self-loathing woman: a lot of us can't do sex when we feel like the rest of our world is in shambles. Does your wife have a stressful job? Is she fighting with family members? Do you have kids who wet the bed? Is the house a pig sty? Are you having money troubles? I'm pretty sure the recession is killing hornies all over the world right now, for example. If you can't identify any problems like these, maybe there's something on her mind that she's not telling you. Take stress and add secrets and you've got the perfect conditions for a nasty case of the frigidity.
I don't mean for you to become suspicious of her. A secret doesn't have to be sinister or sordid -- it could just be something embarrassing that has very little to do with you, for example.
What I do mean is for you to pay attention for the next little while to anything that could be getting her panties in a twist, in the bad way. Though it may sound somewhat unsexy, maybe instead of buying flowers and making dinner, you need to do the laundry or wash the dishes or do your taxes. Supplement any increased domestic-flavoured sensitivity with plenty of non-sexual affection, just so she understands that you're not putting pressure on her. Sometimes women remember how great sex is when it happens 'by mistake,' i.e., when they find themselves surprised to be wanting it.
If no room for improvement becomes apparent to you, strike up a conversation. Not, “why don't we have sex anymore?” Something more like, “is everything O.K., my sweet? Anything stressing you out?”
One of the few good habits I have is asking my loved ones every now and then, “so what's on your mind lately?” I do it regardless of whether I notice anything different about their mood or behaviour, because I'm really curious and I really enjoy talking and I'm especially curious about the fantastic people I've managed to surround myself with. I also know what can go on beyond the surface without anybody knowing. If you're married to this woman, you probably find her fascinating! Why not ask to hear all the weird things in her brain, whenever you want to, just because you can?
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Friday, April 17, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
No April foolin' ... here's a letter.
my boyfriend, who is an american living in canada for school, is leaving at the end of this year after he graduates. We've been together about 6 months now and for the first time i can actually say that i am in love. the unfortunate nature of the matter however is that there are no ifs ands of buts about his decision to leave.
every time i bring up his "moving home" he gets irritated and doesn't really want to talk about it. he is leaving, that's it. when i try to express my apprehension about our future he listens and then gives me the silent treatment.
the most irritating part of this problem is that i have no idea whether i make any difference in his decision. of course i don't want to hold him back from anything (he genuinely hates the city we are living in despite having numerous friends ) but i can't help but worry that i am investing too much of myself in a relationship that could potentially devastate me. i suppose that's the danger of being in a relationship.
what would you do?
ps: he has asked me to move in with him in september despite the fact that he will be leaving in december.
Great and good that you don't want to hold him back. Too often people throw away great futures on obligations that feel important when they're young, and chances are if you applied pressure and he knuckled down and you guys ended up not being it for each other, you'd end up hating each other AND not living the best lives for yourselves.
But this doesn't mean that he doesn't owe you anything. He's being extremely inconsiderate by ignoring your pleas for discussion on the topic. And he's inviting you to move in, without addressing the overhanging expiration date that his trip home insinuates regarding your relationship? Where is his head at? Why does he think he can put you through this emotional roller-coaster without any kind of stated future commitment, when you've made it clear that you need to understand things a little better?
The good news is that it looks like you probably do matter when it comes to this decision, because talk about this is so obviously a hard thing for him, and likely because he feels strongly about you. It actually sounds a lot like he may not know what to say because he is still making up his mind. I bet that's what the whole moving in thing is all about: maybe he wants to try you out as a housemate for a few months and then see how he feels.
All of this is understandable, but it doesn't change the fact that he is actually inflicting cruelty on you by holding his cards to his chest. He may be giving himself lots of time and space to really consider what's going on between you with the benefit of your occasional one-sided input, but what are you supposed to do?
And so the impulse is there for you to withdraw, a la “If he won't look after my interests, I'll make my exit and look after my own.” I don't get that this is where you really are, though.
This philosophy has allowed me to be hurt in the past, but I will stick by it: don't always act in a relationship with the sole purpose of protecting yourself. This does not apply if the other person is beating you or stealing from you... you need to protect your body and your credit rating. But, don't break up with a person, say, just because you're afraid he's going to break up with you, not if you still want to be with him, because trying to predict (and shield yourself against) the potential hurtful actions of others is no way to live, and it's no way to love either. It isn't really loving at all. Maybe, if you want to be with him in this moment, you should just be with him as long as you can. Or as long as you can stand it.
In other words, if you're not content to just ride it out and see what happens, I say keep trying until you're certain that it's really no use, or until he does give you an answer. You don't want to wonder if you did the right thing by just letting him go, and you don't want to live life at an arm's length either. I've been hurt before, but you can be damn sure I don't wonder too much about the past.
He needs to understand that it is selfish and cowardly to not confront these issues for his sake as well as yours. I'm not saying you should demand a commitment, because that's not going to help anybody, but I am saying you should demand some respect as a human being all your own who is effected by his decisions. Maybe make some suggestions, not in anger but in earnest, if you're comfortable making them. “Do you want to continue a long-distance relationship?” and “Do you want things with me to go on as long as they can without the promise of anything else?” are the two best options I can think of. Or, to be nice and succinct: “What do you want, man?”
every time i bring up his "moving home" he gets irritated and doesn't really want to talk about it. he is leaving, that's it. when i try to express my apprehension about our future he listens and then gives me the silent treatment.
the most irritating part of this problem is that i have no idea whether i make any difference in his decision. of course i don't want to hold him back from anything (he genuinely hates the city we are living in despite having numerous friends ) but i can't help but worry that i am investing too much of myself in a relationship that could potentially devastate me. i suppose that's the danger of being in a relationship.
what would you do?
ps: he has asked me to move in with him in september despite the fact that he will be leaving in december.
Great and good that you don't want to hold him back. Too often people throw away great futures on obligations that feel important when they're young, and chances are if you applied pressure and he knuckled down and you guys ended up not being it for each other, you'd end up hating each other AND not living the best lives for yourselves.
But this doesn't mean that he doesn't owe you anything. He's being extremely inconsiderate by ignoring your pleas for discussion on the topic. And he's inviting you to move in, without addressing the overhanging expiration date that his trip home insinuates regarding your relationship? Where is his head at? Why does he think he can put you through this emotional roller-coaster without any kind of stated future commitment, when you've made it clear that you need to understand things a little better?
The good news is that it looks like you probably do matter when it comes to this decision, because talk about this is so obviously a hard thing for him, and likely because he feels strongly about you. It actually sounds a lot like he may not know what to say because he is still making up his mind. I bet that's what the whole moving in thing is all about: maybe he wants to try you out as a housemate for a few months and then see how he feels.
All of this is understandable, but it doesn't change the fact that he is actually inflicting cruelty on you by holding his cards to his chest. He may be giving himself lots of time and space to really consider what's going on between you with the benefit of your occasional one-sided input, but what are you supposed to do?
And so the impulse is there for you to withdraw, a la “If he won't look after my interests, I'll make my exit and look after my own.” I don't get that this is where you really are, though.
This philosophy has allowed me to be hurt in the past, but I will stick by it: don't always act in a relationship with the sole purpose of protecting yourself. This does not apply if the other person is beating you or stealing from you... you need to protect your body and your credit rating. But, don't break up with a person, say, just because you're afraid he's going to break up with you, not if you still want to be with him, because trying to predict (and shield yourself against) the potential hurtful actions of others is no way to live, and it's no way to love either. It isn't really loving at all. Maybe, if you want to be with him in this moment, you should just be with him as long as you can. Or as long as you can stand it.
In other words, if you're not content to just ride it out and see what happens, I say keep trying until you're certain that it's really no use, or until he does give you an answer. You don't want to wonder if you did the right thing by just letting him go, and you don't want to live life at an arm's length either. I've been hurt before, but you can be damn sure I don't wonder too much about the past.
He needs to understand that it is selfish and cowardly to not confront these issues for his sake as well as yours. I'm not saying you should demand a commitment, because that's not going to help anybody, but I am saying you should demand some respect as a human being all your own who is effected by his decisions. Maybe make some suggestions, not in anger but in earnest, if you're comfortable making them. “Do you want to continue a long-distance relationship?” and “Do you want things with me to go on as long as they can without the promise of anything else?” are the two best options I can think of. Or, to be nice and succinct: “What do you want, man?”
Monday, March 30, 2009
Lies, lies, lies ye-ah.
hi
this is a little unorthodox but I could use your advice. it's difficult to explain this but I've had this close friend for a few years and found out a few months back, through a few unlikely conversations and events, that he would fabricate stories about his love life. and not just stories, but full blown lies, all of them about sex that never happened.
I did eventually bring this up, but he kind of failed to explain why it was necessary to lie to me, because I don't care. also, my friend also rushes to me with any romantic developments in his love life, and naturally I always role my eyes a bit.
I'm not at all sure what to do or say, or even what my own feelings are, exactly.
Sometimes we rationalize the dickly things we do and say with rules we make up for use in the confines of our own brain. Liars (and many gossips) can use this one: “If it is something that is possible or believable, I can say it.” And, if such a lie has the potential to be very successful, because the liar comes to feel more and more that the lie will never be found out, it becomes a part of the reality the liar tends construct for himself or herself.
This is why at least some liars lie: they have misunderstood the concept of reality (think... the whole Law of Attraction thing, then get it hooked on heroin). They come to place a lot of importance on what is believed by others, as opposed to what is actually true. They may not feel attractive unless someone is telling them they look OK. They might not feel like they're having fun until somebody tells them they look like they're having fun. Perception becomes an interesting idea to them, and then they come to be able to feel like they are rich, for example, even though they're poor, if they can feel like they're convincing someone else that they are rich.
You say you don't see why it was necessary for him to lie to you, and that you don't care. The thing is, his lies were likely most for his benefit. If you could believe them, then he could believe them too.
So, your friend is a liar, and that must make it hard for you to respect or trust him. But consider this:
Just because he lies about a certain area of his life doesn't mean he lies about everything. It doesn't sound like he's selling you up the river or ripping you off or anything. It's not OK to lie, but you're likely not in any danger of suffering for your friendship with this person.
As it turns out, there are few people on earth that can shoulder the burden of being perfect for others. Our Dads cease looking superhuman to us sooner or later. All girlfriends have the potential turn into wives or live-in partners who wipe their makeup off and fart and eat all the cereal in one day, and/or mothers who destroy their breasts feeding children and let anger and annoyance mark their faces as the years go on. Just because you've caught your friend looking weird and pathetic is no reason to jettison him from your life, simply because most people will disappoint you.
I am not telling you to disregard this, or that you're a bad friend if you don't want to tolerate this sort of thing. While it's true that most people will disappoint you, it's also true that we're just not meant to be madly in love some people. While I'm reluctant to paint your friend as a dangerous sociopath, the impulse to 'role' your eyes is bang on. And hey, maybe he needs somebody to roll their eyes at him.
And so I say, return any bullshit you feel you're getting from him with honesty. If he gets mad and alienated, just think that you've done him a huge favour by not indulging him, and that you probably won't have to listen to his lying ass as often anymore.
And now this song is in my head.
this is a little unorthodox but I could use your advice. it's difficult to explain this but I've had this close friend for a few years and found out a few months back, through a few unlikely conversations and events, that he would fabricate stories about his love life. and not just stories, but full blown lies, all of them about sex that never happened.
I did eventually bring this up, but he kind of failed to explain why it was necessary to lie to me, because I don't care. also, my friend also rushes to me with any romantic developments in his love life, and naturally I always role my eyes a bit.
I'm not at all sure what to do or say, or even what my own feelings are, exactly.
Sometimes we rationalize the dickly things we do and say with rules we make up for use in the confines of our own brain. Liars (and many gossips) can use this one: “If it is something that is possible or believable, I can say it.” And, if such a lie has the potential to be very successful, because the liar comes to feel more and more that the lie will never be found out, it becomes a part of the reality the liar tends construct for himself or herself.
This is why at least some liars lie: they have misunderstood the concept of reality (think... the whole Law of Attraction thing, then get it hooked on heroin). They come to place a lot of importance on what is believed by others, as opposed to what is actually true. They may not feel attractive unless someone is telling them they look OK. They might not feel like they're having fun until somebody tells them they look like they're having fun. Perception becomes an interesting idea to them, and then they come to be able to feel like they are rich, for example, even though they're poor, if they can feel like they're convincing someone else that they are rich.
You say you don't see why it was necessary for him to lie to you, and that you don't care. The thing is, his lies were likely most for his benefit. If you could believe them, then he could believe them too.
So, your friend is a liar, and that must make it hard for you to respect or trust him. But consider this:
Just because he lies about a certain area of his life doesn't mean he lies about everything. It doesn't sound like he's selling you up the river or ripping you off or anything. It's not OK to lie, but you're likely not in any danger of suffering for your friendship with this person.
As it turns out, there are few people on earth that can shoulder the burden of being perfect for others. Our Dads cease looking superhuman to us sooner or later. All girlfriends have the potential turn into wives or live-in partners who wipe their makeup off and fart and eat all the cereal in one day, and/or mothers who destroy their breasts feeding children and let anger and annoyance mark their faces as the years go on. Just because you've caught your friend looking weird and pathetic is no reason to jettison him from your life, simply because most people will disappoint you.
I am not telling you to disregard this, or that you're a bad friend if you don't want to tolerate this sort of thing. While it's true that most people will disappoint you, it's also true that we're just not meant to be madly in love some people. While I'm reluctant to paint your friend as a dangerous sociopath, the impulse to 'role' your eyes is bang on. And hey, maybe he needs somebody to roll their eyes at him.
And so I say, return any bullshit you feel you're getting from him with honesty. If he gets mad and alienated, just think that you've done him a huge favour by not indulging him, and that you probably won't have to listen to his lying ass as often anymore.
And now this song is in my head.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Queen of Pain
Dear M
My boyfriend is really confusing me! We started out as a secret casual sex thing, He d idn't want people to find out, so i wouldnt show him any special treatment when we met up in public, but he'd get mad at me when we saw each other alone later and acuse me of being mean to him and flirting with other guys. BEing scret wasn't workingm so i asked if we could have a normal boyfriend-girlfriend realtionship. that worked ok for about a month, then he semeed to loose interest, never calling me and not seeming like he wanted to have sex with me. Then he sugested we see each other, but see other people at the same time. So I did that and hooked up with some guys. That REALLY pissed him of. HE got supper jealous. I have been really attentive lately, and he seems to be ignoring me again. Either he's mad and jealous but paying attention to me, or bored and not paying attention to me.. What's going on??
I think you're pretty capable of knowing what's going on here, and what you should do: He can't be pleased, and you should dump him.
But I haven't written a column in several days, AND this one is late, so I'd better lay it all out here to the best of my ability, and colourfully:
When some people think of the words ‘sadist’ or ‘masochist,’ they think of whips and chains and hot wax, when that stuff can just as easily be associated with the words ‘fun,’ and, believe it or not, ‘healthy’; A lot of people with pain and/or humiliation kinks treat it like what it is, and they let their mates in on their fantasies, and it stays in the bedroom, or wherever they keep the cuffs – in other words, in their sexual lives. It’s a game, so they play it. No harm done.
Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is a sado-masochist in a less sexual sense of the word, living the shit 24/7 like a psycho, and likely loving every minute of it no matter what he would have you believe or even what he would acknowledge to himself.
Relevant?: my father once told me that you can tell a lot about a man (like, what he may be like as a mate) by the way he treats his mother, and this observation of his is scarily bang-on. Somewhat in the same vein, you would be surprised at the degree to which some men want to create with their partners something reminiscent of what they had with their Moms, regardless of whether they have good feelings about them or good relationships with them. Either they attempt a recreation of a good mother-son experience, or a correction of a bad mother-son experience. I hate pop psychology just as much as the next hipster, but it’s seriously uncanny, you guys.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy had a serious hate-boner for his mother. Maybe Mom abandoned him in some way. Maybe she left, maybe she cheated on Dad – kids can take it very personally and feel very betrayed when their parents leave or cheat. But, few sons can manage to hate their mothers completely, and the shadows of some very deep feelings manifest themselves in very strange romantic relationship behaviour. Maybe when he’s being cold and bitchy to you, he’s in fact reaming Mom for whatever she did to him. Regardless, somewhere along the line, this guy came to be turned off by things like security and fidelity and affection, and turned on by stuff like paranoia and jealousy and cruelty. Puke!
Regardless, I think he does want you to go out and make him jealous. People who are capable of being honest with themselves about having a similar type of desire identify as cuckhold fetishists. They get off on the idea of their mates getting off with others.
I’m not the most jealous gal, and I have to admit that my eye wanders – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu – but cuckholding is definitely not my thing, and I think it’s a rare couple who isn’t just doing it to look unconditionally cool and can really work this arrangement without destroying each other most unsexily. However, as long as there are people out there who really like this, and manage to lead happy lives while putting it into practice, and can find other people who want to sleep around on them and don’t want to otherwise hurt or take advantage of them, and everybody takes measures to be safe, it’s fine with me.
This guy? Only feels alive when something sketchy and skanky is going on in his life, to make him jealous and to give him something to yell about to you, a.k.a. “New Mom” – all of this is why he looks disinterested now that you’re being good to him.
Here’s another twist: he would rather we all not acknowledge this. He doesn’t want the boom mic or the camera cables slipping into frame, he doesn’t want anybody to see the strings on the puppet, especially you, but mostly him. He likes that he can feel turned on by his jealousy and also feel justified in punishing you, which also turns him on. Your performance is way better for him if you don’t realize it’s all a game and you feel your hurt and confusion genuinely, because it can help him to forget that it’s all a game. It’s all a game that he is selfishly refusing to let you in on.
Either he has a hate-boner for his mother, or he’s watched and/or read more drama than he’s actually managed to live yet. Is he an artist?
In trying to apply this idiotic formula to his life, he is forcing it on your life. It’s a pretty weak formula, it works for him because he’s a pretty weak person, and you should dump him! Wheeee.
My boyfriend is really confusing me! We started out as a secret casual sex thing, He d idn't want people to find out, so i wouldnt show him any special treatment when we met up in public, but he'd get mad at me when we saw each other alone later and acuse me of being mean to him and flirting with other guys. BEing scret wasn't workingm so i asked if we could have a normal boyfriend-girlfriend realtionship. that worked ok for about a month, then he semeed to loose interest, never calling me and not seeming like he wanted to have sex with me. Then he sugested we see each other, but see other people at the same time. So I did that and hooked up with some guys. That REALLY pissed him of. HE got supper jealous. I have been really attentive lately, and he seems to be ignoring me again. Either he's mad and jealous but paying attention to me, or bored and not paying attention to me.. What's going on??
I think you're pretty capable of knowing what's going on here, and what you should do: He can't be pleased, and you should dump him.
But I haven't written a column in several days, AND this one is late, so I'd better lay it all out here to the best of my ability, and colourfully:
When some people think of the words ‘sadist’ or ‘masochist,’ they think of whips and chains and hot wax, when that stuff can just as easily be associated with the words ‘fun,’ and, believe it or not, ‘healthy’; A lot of people with pain and/or humiliation kinks treat it like what it is, and they let their mates in on their fantasies, and it stays in the bedroom, or wherever they keep the cuffs – in other words, in their sexual lives. It’s a game, so they play it. No harm done.
Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is a sado-masochist in a less sexual sense of the word, living the shit 24/7 like a psycho, and likely loving every minute of it no matter what he would have you believe or even what he would acknowledge to himself.
Relevant?: my father once told me that you can tell a lot about a man (like, what he may be like as a mate) by the way he treats his mother, and this observation of his is scarily bang-on. Somewhat in the same vein, you would be surprised at the degree to which some men want to create with their partners something reminiscent of what they had with their Moms, regardless of whether they have good feelings about them or good relationships with them. Either they attempt a recreation of a good mother-son experience, or a correction of a bad mother-son experience. I hate pop psychology just as much as the next hipster, but it’s seriously uncanny, you guys.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy had a serious hate-boner for his mother. Maybe Mom abandoned him in some way. Maybe she left, maybe she cheated on Dad – kids can take it very personally and feel very betrayed when their parents leave or cheat. But, few sons can manage to hate their mothers completely, and the shadows of some very deep feelings manifest themselves in very strange romantic relationship behaviour. Maybe when he’s being cold and bitchy to you, he’s in fact reaming Mom for whatever she did to him. Regardless, somewhere along the line, this guy came to be turned off by things like security and fidelity and affection, and turned on by stuff like paranoia and jealousy and cruelty. Puke!
Regardless, I think he does want you to go out and make him jealous. People who are capable of being honest with themselves about having a similar type of desire identify as cuckhold fetishists. They get off on the idea of their mates getting off with others.
I’m not the most jealous gal, and I have to admit that my eye wanders – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu – but cuckholding is definitely not my thing, and I think it’s a rare couple who isn’t just doing it to look unconditionally cool and can really work this arrangement without destroying each other most unsexily. However, as long as there are people out there who really like this, and manage to lead happy lives while putting it into practice, and can find other people who want to sleep around on them and don’t want to otherwise hurt or take advantage of them, and everybody takes measures to be safe, it’s fine with me.
This guy? Only feels alive when something sketchy and skanky is going on in his life, to make him jealous and to give him something to yell about to you, a.k.a. “New Mom” – all of this is why he looks disinterested now that you’re being good to him.
Here’s another twist: he would rather we all not acknowledge this. He doesn’t want the boom mic or the camera cables slipping into frame, he doesn’t want anybody to see the strings on the puppet, especially you, but mostly him. He likes that he can feel turned on by his jealousy and also feel justified in punishing you, which also turns him on. Your performance is way better for him if you don’t realize it’s all a game and you feel your hurt and confusion genuinely, because it can help him to forget that it’s all a game. It’s all a game that he is selfishly refusing to let you in on.
Either he has a hate-boner for his mother, or he’s watched and/or read more drama than he’s actually managed to live yet. Is he an artist?
In trying to apply this idiotic formula to his life, he is forcing it on your life. It’s a pretty weak formula, it works for him because he’s a pretty weak person, and you should dump him! Wheeee.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Barking up the gay tree
Dear They Said What?,
Yay! Not another (romantic) relationship question! Here's my issue: My best friend just moved in with a girl. In keeping with using fake names to protect privacy, I'll call him Hernando and her Janice. Our close knit group of friends only really started hanging out with Janice a few months ago, and she and Hernando really hit it off. Although we all found her to be kind of annoying, they did seem to have a lot of fun together, and it could be fun partying with them. When they announced they were moving in together though, that is when everyone really started to worry. See, Janice seems to be madly in love with Hernando. And Hernando is openly gay.
Janice talks about Hernando constantly when they are apart. She raves about him and never expresses any interest in hanging out with anyone else. On his part, I know that he liked the attention at first, especially since the rest of our group had an autumn full of schoolwork and late shifts, and weren't really able to party all the time, which is what she loves to do. At the start of it all, he thought maybe we were being jealous, because she wanted to occupy all his time, but really, he works hard to make sure that all his friends know how much he cares for us, so that was never an issue.
What is an issue is that we all pretty much think she is delusional, and think that she sees their friendship and roommatehood as having the potential for much much more. It has gotten to the point were even Hernando (since moving in with her for financial reasons) has even told me "I don't know what to do, I think she actually might have feelings for me" to which I of course replied "Well, yeah. I told you that." She keeps constant tabs on him, always wanting to know where he is and who he is with. She likes sleeping in his bed, as opposed to her own. She buys him presents all the time, and makes plans for the long-distant future as though really planning a life with him. Hernando told me that once when they were both drunk, she propositioned him, and then pretended it was just a joke. To top it all off, one day as Janice was telling me "I need a boyfriend. It is just so hard, living with this beautiful man, and he's just so amazing, and I need to get laid!" and I said, "Janice, don't fall in love with Hernando, okay?" and she said "What?... Oh my god, I know. Why would you say that... wait, has he said anything?" in a very lady-doth-protest-too-much sort of way.
I feel like this is getting really long, so I will try to wrap up. Basically, since moving in with this girl, Hernando has finally become creeped out by her behaviour enough to ask me for advice, but I am just no good at giving advice. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but she does know that he has no romantic interest in women, and he doesn't know what else he can tell her. He can't move out because they have a lease, and he still wants to be her friend of course. As his friend, I don't like to see him in this situation mainly because it has the potential to get really awkward. So, um, any thoughts?
We say things all the time for the sake of sensitivity. They're often truthful, but they also don't risk hurting anybody's feelings. There have been many a drunken Saturday night when I've been all too happy to utter the words, 'I have a boyfriend' to some physically unappealing or otherwise offensive man or woman. Hernando has: 'I'm gay.' With options like these, the trick is often done without having to call attention to what is underlying in these scenarios: a lack of attraction. The hit-on-er is left thinking, 'she/he isn't able,' and they move on without having to acknowledge the that the hit-on-ee's answer ALSO likely means he or she is not willing, either.
In Janice's head, the problem is 'just' Hernando’s homosexuality. She seems to have mentally reduced it to the single thing standing in the way of her happiness with someone she really likes and gets along with, so really she needs to come to see it in terms of utter lack of attraction in order to get it. We, along with Janice, risk forgetting that this business here with Hernando is equal to any other unwanted sexual advance.
Why might Janice need this extra dose of reality? Not all hags are alike, but at least some of the heterosexual ones are hungry for love, and some of that subset are into gays because straights aren't into them. They seek validation from those whom they may see as non-threatening eunuchs, because they don’t actually understand homosexuality. Sure, they don’t live in a vacuum, they’ve been told that some men love men like other men love women, and they know that men manage to have sex with each other somehow, but the whole thing has not been actualized to them. They are accepting of homosexuality in an unthinking way. They like gay men, but they don’t actually get what they do, beyond, ‘hey, I like boys, too.’ Deep down they might even believe a gay boy may just need the right woman to come along. Shudder with me: Ugh!
Unwittingly, some of the cuddlier homos oblige them; gay men would be well within their rights to think that they can be as verbally and physically affectionate as they like with their willing female friends because they don’t risk sending mixed messages; their proclaimed orientation should speak for itself. But hormonally, when a friendship with a gay man turns a certain shade of warm, women like Janice embark on a simulated romantic relationship. Companionship, light physical contact -- sometimes intermediate physical affection if you're dealing with some of the Ted Homosexuals I've rubbed up against in my day – from someone who, let's face it, probably works out, with no sexual tension or heartbreak. Friendship is the romance that never has to end. Right?
As we see here in the case of Janice and Hernando, oh Hell no. The sexual tension kicks in real good and one-sided, and in the words of The Marvelettes: Danger, Heartbreak Dead Ahead. "If only he wasn't gay."
Here's a question for you and H-man to ponder: how has he dealt with the fact that he's gay? I am by no means suggesting that this is his fault for not looking gay enough. But perhaps a key to understanding lonely Janice's delusion lies in what she may be able give her brain to fantasize/scheme with. How recently openly gay is he? Is he out to his family? Did he try out bisexuality as a label before warming up to public homosexuality? Has he had girlfriends? Is he dating men now? Is he bringing any boys home? I gather from your mention of school and partying that you guys are kind of young. Maybe Janice, in her naïve, kind of disrespectful internalization of gayness, doesn’t believe Hernando, who may just still be learning to be comfortable with himself, is walking the walk enough.
If that’s what she’s thinking, she hasn’t got a right. People are gay or straight in their own ways, and Hernando shouldn’t feel pressure to conduct himself in a way he wouldn’t usually, and especially not in his own home. It’s not an excuse for her behaviour, but it’s a reason, and maybe that can give you guys some insight as to how to proceed.
Unfortunately, I am not completely certain about how to communicate lack of attraction to someone without risking an air of the confrontational in this scenario, in which reality would be a clear enough indication of what is reasonable behaviour for most people. If he’s not comfortable about leveling with her yet, things obviously haven’t gotten weird enough. Trust me, that’ll happen. I would actually put money on my suspicion that it has happened and attachments like these form a pattern in Janice’s life. You guys may have only been hanging out with her a few months, but she didn’t come out of nowhere, and you have to wonder what she did with her time before you and Hernando came along.
Hernando can’t live like this, and he certainly can’t let it get worse, for his sake and for Janice’s. If he really doesn’t want to beat her over the head with how much he does not want to do the sex with her because he cares about her, and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, and wants to keep her friendship, tell him to think of it this way: Friends don’t let friends make themselves ridiculous and miserable. If Janice is his friend, she is his friend who has a problem, and he does her no favours by pretending everything is fine. To make it known, in a caring and genuine way, that she is making him uncomfortable, and to try to talk to her about why she is so very, very inappropriately focusing her energy on him, is to be a true friend.
If she doesn’t respond well to this -- and a poor response encompasses everything between disproportionate anger to groveling, disproportionate repentance. Huge reactions are sometimes ploys to take the focus off of the situation at hand and make the other party feel bad -- her problem may not be one that Hernando is equipped to help her iron out, especially if she’s not willing to confront it herself, and especially if my pattern theory is true. Sometimes you have to quietly break a lease and let crazy sort itself out.
If all of that is still not an option for him, he could just try cutting the apron strings a bit. Start making it a point to not divulge everything about his life to her, start consciously making plans that do not include her… does his bedroom door have a lock on it?
Readers, you can chime in at any time. I'll post your advice on Monday!
Yay! Not another (romantic) relationship question! Here's my issue: My best friend just moved in with a girl. In keeping with using fake names to protect privacy, I'll call him Hernando and her Janice. Our close knit group of friends only really started hanging out with Janice a few months ago, and she and Hernando really hit it off. Although we all found her to be kind of annoying, they did seem to have a lot of fun together, and it could be fun partying with them. When they announced they were moving in together though, that is when everyone really started to worry. See, Janice seems to be madly in love with Hernando. And Hernando is openly gay.
Janice talks about Hernando constantly when they are apart. She raves about him and never expresses any interest in hanging out with anyone else. On his part, I know that he liked the attention at first, especially since the rest of our group had an autumn full of schoolwork and late shifts, and weren't really able to party all the time, which is what she loves to do. At the start of it all, he thought maybe we were being jealous, because she wanted to occupy all his time, but really, he works hard to make sure that all his friends know how much he cares for us, so that was never an issue.
What is an issue is that we all pretty much think she is delusional, and think that she sees their friendship and roommatehood as having the potential for much much more. It has gotten to the point were even Hernando (since moving in with her for financial reasons) has even told me "I don't know what to do, I think she actually might have feelings for me" to which I of course replied "Well, yeah. I told you that." She keeps constant tabs on him, always wanting to know where he is and who he is with. She likes sleeping in his bed, as opposed to her own. She buys him presents all the time, and makes plans for the long-distant future as though really planning a life with him. Hernando told me that once when they were both drunk, she propositioned him, and then pretended it was just a joke. To top it all off, one day as Janice was telling me "I need a boyfriend. It is just so hard, living with this beautiful man, and he's just so amazing, and I need to get laid!" and I said, "Janice, don't fall in love with Hernando, okay?" and she said "What?... Oh my god, I know. Why would you say that... wait, has he said anything?" in a very lady-doth-protest-too-much sort of way.
I feel like this is getting really long, so I will try to wrap up. Basically, since moving in with this girl, Hernando has finally become creeped out by her behaviour enough to ask me for advice, but I am just no good at giving advice. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but she does know that he has no romantic interest in women, and he doesn't know what else he can tell her. He can't move out because they have a lease, and he still wants to be her friend of course. As his friend, I don't like to see him in this situation mainly because it has the potential to get really awkward. So, um, any thoughts?
We say things all the time for the sake of sensitivity. They're often truthful, but they also don't risk hurting anybody's feelings. There have been many a drunken Saturday night when I've been all too happy to utter the words, 'I have a boyfriend' to some physically unappealing or otherwise offensive man or woman. Hernando has: 'I'm gay.' With options like these, the trick is often done without having to call attention to what is underlying in these scenarios: a lack of attraction. The hit-on-er is left thinking, 'she/he isn't able,' and they move on without having to acknowledge the that the hit-on-ee's answer ALSO likely means he or she is not willing, either.
In Janice's head, the problem is 'just' Hernando’s homosexuality. She seems to have mentally reduced it to the single thing standing in the way of her happiness with someone she really likes and gets along with, so really she needs to come to see it in terms of utter lack of attraction in order to get it. We, along with Janice, risk forgetting that this business here with Hernando is equal to any other unwanted sexual advance.
Why might Janice need this extra dose of reality? Not all hags are alike, but at least some of the heterosexual ones are hungry for love, and some of that subset are into gays because straights aren't into them. They seek validation from those whom they may see as non-threatening eunuchs, because they don’t actually understand homosexuality. Sure, they don’t live in a vacuum, they’ve been told that some men love men like other men love women, and they know that men manage to have sex with each other somehow, but the whole thing has not been actualized to them. They are accepting of homosexuality in an unthinking way. They like gay men, but they don’t actually get what they do, beyond, ‘hey, I like boys, too.’ Deep down they might even believe a gay boy may just need the right woman to come along. Shudder with me: Ugh!
Unwittingly, some of the cuddlier homos oblige them; gay men would be well within their rights to think that they can be as verbally and physically affectionate as they like with their willing female friends because they don’t risk sending mixed messages; their proclaimed orientation should speak for itself. But hormonally, when a friendship with a gay man turns a certain shade of warm, women like Janice embark on a simulated romantic relationship. Companionship, light physical contact -- sometimes intermediate physical affection if you're dealing with some of the Ted Homosexuals I've rubbed up against in my day – from someone who, let's face it, probably works out, with no sexual tension or heartbreak. Friendship is the romance that never has to end. Right?
As we see here in the case of Janice and Hernando, oh Hell no. The sexual tension kicks in real good and one-sided, and in the words of The Marvelettes: Danger, Heartbreak Dead Ahead. "If only he wasn't gay."
Here's a question for you and H-man to ponder: how has he dealt with the fact that he's gay? I am by no means suggesting that this is his fault for not looking gay enough. But perhaps a key to understanding lonely Janice's delusion lies in what she may be able give her brain to fantasize/scheme with. How recently openly gay is he? Is he out to his family? Did he try out bisexuality as a label before warming up to public homosexuality? Has he had girlfriends? Is he dating men now? Is he bringing any boys home? I gather from your mention of school and partying that you guys are kind of young. Maybe Janice, in her naïve, kind of disrespectful internalization of gayness, doesn’t believe Hernando, who may just still be learning to be comfortable with himself, is walking the walk enough.
If that’s what she’s thinking, she hasn’t got a right. People are gay or straight in their own ways, and Hernando shouldn’t feel pressure to conduct himself in a way he wouldn’t usually, and especially not in his own home. It’s not an excuse for her behaviour, but it’s a reason, and maybe that can give you guys some insight as to how to proceed.
Unfortunately, I am not completely certain about how to communicate lack of attraction to someone without risking an air of the confrontational in this scenario, in which reality would be a clear enough indication of what is reasonable behaviour for most people. If he’s not comfortable about leveling with her yet, things obviously haven’t gotten weird enough. Trust me, that’ll happen. I would actually put money on my suspicion that it has happened and attachments like these form a pattern in Janice’s life. You guys may have only been hanging out with her a few months, but she didn’t come out of nowhere, and you have to wonder what she did with her time before you and Hernando came along.
Hernando can’t live like this, and he certainly can’t let it get worse, for his sake and for Janice’s. If he really doesn’t want to beat her over the head with how much he does not want to do the sex with her because he cares about her, and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, and wants to keep her friendship, tell him to think of it this way: Friends don’t let friends make themselves ridiculous and miserable. If Janice is his friend, she is his friend who has a problem, and he does her no favours by pretending everything is fine. To make it known, in a caring and genuine way, that she is making him uncomfortable, and to try to talk to her about why she is so very, very inappropriately focusing her energy on him, is to be a true friend.
If she doesn’t respond well to this -- and a poor response encompasses everything between disproportionate anger to groveling, disproportionate repentance. Huge reactions are sometimes ploys to take the focus off of the situation at hand and make the other party feel bad -- her problem may not be one that Hernando is equipped to help her iron out, especially if she’s not willing to confront it herself, and especially if my pattern theory is true. Sometimes you have to quietly break a lease and let crazy sort itself out.
If all of that is still not an option for him, he could just try cutting the apron strings a bit. Start making it a point to not divulge everything about his life to her, start consciously making plans that do not include her… does his bedroom door have a lock on it?
Readers, you can chime in at any time. I'll post your advice on Monday!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Do unto ME, O.K.?
I think many of us have the same problem with forgiveness as we have with generosity...
My own actions of giving freely, I find, are always saddled with the expectation of future return, an unsatiated desire for reciprocal gratitude...which makes my 'generosity' more like one half of an unspoken and later unfulfilled barter.
How often do we create and cling to our own misery without even realising it?
Well, you sound sad. What you’ve written here reminds me of this anecdote:
I knew a girl once -- I will call her... Oprah (NOT HER REAL NAME) -- who was always doing things for a small group of female friends. Calling them to check in, making plans with them, picking them up, driving them around, buying them thoughtful little gifts.
After a few months to a year of this, these ladies began to feel a little freaked out by Oprah and her special attention, if not at least slightly annoyed. Oprah was making herself the opposite of scarce, calling several times a day, showing up randomly on people’s lawns. She wasn’t a great conversationalist, but she insisted on dominating and controlling group interactions, vetoing topics she didn’t have an interest in and trying to anticipate and intercept comments that might offend others. You can't make this stuff up.
She was also getting to be quite demanding. She had the courtesy to notify her friends of her every single move; why couldn’t they show her the same 'sensitivity'? She knew their birthdays, shoe-sizes, allergies and bedtimes; why didn’t they put the same effort in where she was concerned? Some of the girls in her circle of friends didn’t appreciate the guilt-trip, some of them didn’t appreciate the crawliness they’d feel when her name showed up on their phones. To my knowledge, everybody stopped talking to Oprah, but she found a new circle of friends and used what she learned in her past life about the nature of entitlement and restraining orders to not alienate them, and she’s finally happy with a group of people who aren’t constantly hurting her feelings and/or making her angry.
Oprah is an example of what can happen to people who don’t get the nuances of how to apply the Golden Rule. Some people think, “ok, surefire way to get what I want from people is to give them what I want. Wicked, let’s go.” It isn’t surefire, and it isn’t right to go about doing kindnesses thinking there should be a payoff of some kind (other kindnesses, respect, loyalty) in the end. To answer your question, I think people create and cling to their own misery VERY OFTEN, and I think at least some of them do this by clinging to their own ideas of justice and what is fair and not leaving room for the fact other people won’t necessarily subscribe to them. Maybe you’re really smart and everybody should think the way you do, but that doesn’t mean that they have to, and the more you live in your own head, the more likely you are to fail at life.
Empirically, undoubtedly: the decent thing is to be nice to people who are nice to you. For example, if you want to be friendly to an acquaintance and wave and say hi or whatever, and they’d rather snub you and be cold with you or otherwise make you feel uncomfortable for trying to be civil, this acquaintance may just be a piece of shit, and you likely need to accept that there’s nothing you can do about it, and that there is nothing you should do about it. Don’t try harder to make them like you, and don’t sink to their level of bitchery. They can be as crappy as they want to be, barring harassment and violence, because there is no niceness police. It might help you to passive-aggressively remember that people do notice and many of them do not approve when someone is shitty to someone who doesn’t deserve it, and that a person’s poor treatment of you could come back to bite them on the ass or cause them to lose the respect of a witness, but again: no real niceness police, and few people will support attempts to exact your own brand of vigilante justice over stuff like rudeness.
It’s kind of the same in the case of a romantic relationship. The decent thing is to treat your S.O. just as well as they treat you. If any of you find your boyfriend or girlfriend is not returning the favour, it could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe they’re clueless and/or inexperienced, and maybe you need to let them know that you don’t feel like they’re being fair to you. Maybe you’re overdoing it; maybe your affection is not proportional to the seriousness of your relationship, and that could mean you’re asking for too much and that you have to cool it down. And, there’s the obvious: if you’re not getting what you want from them, he or she may not right for you.
The decent thing is to treat your S.O. just as well as they treat you, but you can only legally prosecute someone for abuse if you can prove it, and no court of law is going to order your girlfriend to bake you a cake just because you baked her one.
Besides the fact that it’ll make you pretty unpopular, it’s not good for your mental health, martyring yourself out of a desire for gratitude. You risk getting to the point where you’re going around resenting ingrates as complete idiots and thinking of yourself as the world’s best person, cultivating the kind of scary arrogance that a lot of insane dudes rock so well.
Giving freely is great, but if it’s making you expect a lot of other people, to the point that you’re feeling miserable and disregarded by those you care about, and you suspect it may be due to a tendency you have to seek gratitude and reward, maybe it’s better – for everyone involved – if you learn to be little ‘selfish.’
My own actions of giving freely, I find, are always saddled with the expectation of future return, an unsatiated desire for reciprocal gratitude...which makes my 'generosity' more like one half of an unspoken and later unfulfilled barter.
How often do we create and cling to our own misery without even realising it?
Well, you sound sad. What you’ve written here reminds me of this anecdote:
I knew a girl once -- I will call her... Oprah (NOT HER REAL NAME) -- who was always doing things for a small group of female friends. Calling them to check in, making plans with them, picking them up, driving them around, buying them thoughtful little gifts.
After a few months to a year of this, these ladies began to feel a little freaked out by Oprah and her special attention, if not at least slightly annoyed. Oprah was making herself the opposite of scarce, calling several times a day, showing up randomly on people’s lawns. She wasn’t a great conversationalist, but she insisted on dominating and controlling group interactions, vetoing topics she didn’t have an interest in and trying to anticipate and intercept comments that might offend others. You can't make this stuff up.
She was also getting to be quite demanding. She had the courtesy to notify her friends of her every single move; why couldn’t they show her the same 'sensitivity'? She knew their birthdays, shoe-sizes, allergies and bedtimes; why didn’t they put the same effort in where she was concerned? Some of the girls in her circle of friends didn’t appreciate the guilt-trip, some of them didn’t appreciate the crawliness they’d feel when her name showed up on their phones. To my knowledge, everybody stopped talking to Oprah, but she found a new circle of friends and used what she learned in her past life about the nature of entitlement and restraining orders to not alienate them, and she’s finally happy with a group of people who aren’t constantly hurting her feelings and/or making her angry.
Oprah is an example of what can happen to people who don’t get the nuances of how to apply the Golden Rule. Some people think, “ok, surefire way to get what I want from people is to give them what I want. Wicked, let’s go.” It isn’t surefire, and it isn’t right to go about doing kindnesses thinking there should be a payoff of some kind (other kindnesses, respect, loyalty) in the end. To answer your question, I think people create and cling to their own misery VERY OFTEN, and I think at least some of them do this by clinging to their own ideas of justice and what is fair and not leaving room for the fact other people won’t necessarily subscribe to them. Maybe you’re really smart and everybody should think the way you do, but that doesn’t mean that they have to, and the more you live in your own head, the more likely you are to fail at life.
Empirically, undoubtedly: the decent thing is to be nice to people who are nice to you. For example, if you want to be friendly to an acquaintance and wave and say hi or whatever, and they’d rather snub you and be cold with you or otherwise make you feel uncomfortable for trying to be civil, this acquaintance may just be a piece of shit, and you likely need to accept that there’s nothing you can do about it, and that there is nothing you should do about it. Don’t try harder to make them like you, and don’t sink to their level of bitchery. They can be as crappy as they want to be, barring harassment and violence, because there is no niceness police. It might help you to passive-aggressively remember that people do notice and many of them do not approve when someone is shitty to someone who doesn’t deserve it, and that a person’s poor treatment of you could come back to bite them on the ass or cause them to lose the respect of a witness, but again: no real niceness police, and few people will support attempts to exact your own brand of vigilante justice over stuff like rudeness.
It’s kind of the same in the case of a romantic relationship. The decent thing is to treat your S.O. just as well as they treat you. If any of you find your boyfriend or girlfriend is not returning the favour, it could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe they’re clueless and/or inexperienced, and maybe you need to let them know that you don’t feel like they’re being fair to you. Maybe you’re overdoing it; maybe your affection is not proportional to the seriousness of your relationship, and that could mean you’re asking for too much and that you have to cool it down. And, there’s the obvious: if you’re not getting what you want from them, he or she may not right for you.
The decent thing is to treat your S.O. just as well as they treat you, but you can only legally prosecute someone for abuse if you can prove it, and no court of law is going to order your girlfriend to bake you a cake just because you baked her one.
Besides the fact that it’ll make you pretty unpopular, it’s not good for your mental health, martyring yourself out of a desire for gratitude. You risk getting to the point where you’re going around resenting ingrates as complete idiots and thinking of yourself as the world’s best person, cultivating the kind of scary arrogance that a lot of insane dudes rock so well.
Giving freely is great, but if it’s making you expect a lot of other people, to the point that you’re feeling miserable and disregarded by those you care about, and you suspect it may be due to a tendency you have to seek gratitude and reward, maybe it’s better – for everyone involved – if you learn to be little ‘selfish.’
Friday, February 13, 2009
The pink and red elephant in the room
So it's Friday, February 13th. Somewhat predictably, I got a ton of Valentine’s Day-related mail towards the end of this week. I don’t have room to run all of the letters, and because they also somewhat predictably bring up the same main issues, I couldn’t really pick one to use over the others.
Consensus is: people be stressin’ over a Hallmark holiday. Sure, there are the little sweetie pies who are racking their brains trying to come up with something that is enough for their treasured ones (cuuuuute), but then there are people who are going to burn down the candy store.
Some people don’t have an S.O. so they feel left out or even rage-filled. Some people are spoken for but they’re a little afraid to be disappointed. Some people are resenting the obligation to behave differently or more extravagantly tomorrow. It goes on. Whatever.
There’s a lot of anti-Valentine’s Day sentiment out there, a la “it sucks that there’s this social construction geared towards making money for corporations by making people feel bad about themselves.” Valid! I’m not going to take anybody who wants to criticize consumption and commercial manipulation to court because I am on that train like nobody’s business these days.
But, sociology and economics aside, in a purely psychological and existential sense: well-adjusted people who are satisfied in their lives don’t give a damn.
Valentine’s Day triggers an introspective sentiment in a lot of people; it doesn’t create problems, it simply draws attention to problems. Personally, I like cupcakes and chocolate and flowers and crafts and will do low key things for platonic friends and romantic partners alike if the mood strikes and I have the time and resources. But I’ve noticed that Valentine’s Day finds me a little more self-conscious than usual, and intentionally or not I’ve ended up in meditations on the nature of the relationship in the public sphere, and on my relationship in particular, if I was in one. My mood this time of year is always very telling, and I can only assume the case is the same with others. It's the definition of idiotic to resent something just because it makes you think.
If Valentine’s Day gives you a bad feeling about being single, for example, a feeling so bad that it drives you to waste energy being incredulous or very depressed about it: It’s quite possible you’re not happy about being single.
Some people are insistent. “I’m perfectly satisfied when not attached, it’s my parents/friends/coworkers/ex-lovers who make me feel worthless about it with their showing off and shit.” Well, either you’re too easily convinced to feel worthless and therefore not happy about being single, or you require too much validation from others in this area of your life, or your non-romantic relationships with or attitudes about these people need work. All of these are issues deserving of attention, and pre-existing February 14th 2009. Do something about it. Don’t blame Cupid. He’s imaginary. It's not productive.
And don’t despair. For, there is this, my paper lace and macaroni heart to you:
http://sorry-mom.com/
There is much comfort to be drawn, perspective to be gained and lessons to be learned from reading the hook-up horror stories of others. He doesn’t bring you flowers anymore? At least he’s not this guy. Dude, you think you don’t have the first clue about how to handle women? You’re probably in better shape than this guy. And so on.
And don't forget: discount chocolate next week! I can't wait.
Consensus is: people be stressin’ over a Hallmark holiday. Sure, there are the little sweetie pies who are racking their brains trying to come up with something that is enough for their treasured ones (cuuuuute), but then there are people who are going to burn down the candy store.
Some people don’t have an S.O. so they feel left out or even rage-filled. Some people are spoken for but they’re a little afraid to be disappointed. Some people are resenting the obligation to behave differently or more extravagantly tomorrow. It goes on. Whatever.
There’s a lot of anti-Valentine’s Day sentiment out there, a la “it sucks that there’s this social construction geared towards making money for corporations by making people feel bad about themselves.” Valid! I’m not going to take anybody who wants to criticize consumption and commercial manipulation to court because I am on that train like nobody’s business these days.
But, sociology and economics aside, in a purely psychological and existential sense: well-adjusted people who are satisfied in their lives don’t give a damn.
Valentine’s Day triggers an introspective sentiment in a lot of people; it doesn’t create problems, it simply draws attention to problems. Personally, I like cupcakes and chocolate and flowers and crafts and will do low key things for platonic friends and romantic partners alike if the mood strikes and I have the time and resources. But I’ve noticed that Valentine’s Day finds me a little more self-conscious than usual, and intentionally or not I’ve ended up in meditations on the nature of the relationship in the public sphere, and on my relationship in particular, if I was in one. My mood this time of year is always very telling, and I can only assume the case is the same with others. It's the definition of idiotic to resent something just because it makes you think.
If Valentine’s Day gives you a bad feeling about being single, for example, a feeling so bad that it drives you to waste energy being incredulous or very depressed about it: It’s quite possible you’re not happy about being single.
Some people are insistent. “I’m perfectly satisfied when not attached, it’s my parents/friends/coworkers/ex-lovers who make me feel worthless about it with their showing off and shit.” Well, either you’re too easily convinced to feel worthless and therefore not happy about being single, or you require too much validation from others in this area of your life, or your non-romantic relationships with or attitudes about these people need work. All of these are issues deserving of attention, and pre-existing February 14th 2009. Do something about it. Don’t blame Cupid. He’s imaginary. It's not productive.
And don’t despair. For, there is this, my paper lace and macaroni heart to you:
http://sorry-mom.com/
There is much comfort to be drawn, perspective to be gained and lessons to be learned from reading the hook-up horror stories of others. He doesn’t bring you flowers anymore? At least he’s not this guy. Dude, you think you don’t have the first clue about how to handle women? You’re probably in better shape than this guy. And so on.
And don't forget: discount chocolate next week! I can't wait.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
I am the most cynical human being on the face of this Earth. I suffer from clinical depression, and with the weather right now, I'm not the happiest camper.
I am currently dating the prettiest, happiest, most positive girl in the world, and I'm finding it hard to keep up. In such a short time (more than two months) we have fallen completely in love with one another. The problem is that she is in Vancouver, and I am here in New Brunswick; two opposite sides of the country. She will not be back living in my city (which is where she's originally from) until the summer.
The loneliness is really getting to me, waiting for her to come home from fashion school. This makes me a very unpleasant person to talk to, and my social life is confined to Facebook and my apartment as I find that nothing is really fun without her. I am a big grumpy mess, and recently, I've been finding that I have been taking it out on her a lot as she is the only one I really talk to anymore. I get angry when she doesn't show up on time for Skype dates. I get jealous when she tells me how much fun she is having on her weekends.
She is bright, intelligent, funny, comes from a wealthy family, and is going to a good school that costs a lot of money. Now, I know that money and stuff doesn't mean anything to her when it comes to our relationship NOW since we are so young (21 and 25), but I am a university drop out from a lower-middle class family, living paycheck to paycheck, trying to fight off a couple grand in debt, constantly worrying if I'll ever bounce back.
She is incredible, and I do not want to bring her down into my shit hole. The more I think about how I might be bumming her out with my depression when she has no reason to be, I start to feel insecure and that I don't deserve her or that I will only let her down in the end.
How can someone like me with so much love in their heart for a special person like her get over his own insecurities and unhappiness to make the one he loves happy? I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.
Thanks.
Ugh, my heart. You seem like a very sweet, repentant person, and I’ve been in a few long-distance relationships myself, so my shoulders drooped in a special way when I read your letter. Your life, as a long-distance lover, is one of insane highs and miserable lows. You might have lots of people telling you long-distance is a crock. It's true that mine were miserable, and that none of them worked out, but those guys just weren't for me -- I can't blame the long-distance, seeing as I'm happier without them (though I may have been able to tell they weren't right for me if I'd been seeing them more often). Most of the cons people cite about long-distance relationships are reasons to avoid them when you can, not dissolve ones that are already in progress. Anyway, I'm actually not going to discourage you, there.
Lots of people feel like their partner is the best thing they have going on, but it’s that much worse when you’re actually having bad times in other areas of your life, and even worse when you don’t even have your significant other around. Add something like clinical depression to the mix, and it’s hard to have perspective on your life.
You want to be good for her -- happy, successful (whatever your definition of that is) and not unkind to her like you risk when you’re frustrated about Skype commitments and her social life -- and you want to be not miserable for yourself. One of Oprah’s friends once said ‘you need to be a whole before you can be part of a couple.’ The main thing, maybe the obvious thing, is take care of yourself.
About stuff like finances: All you can do is work as hard as you can, and the pay-off happens when it happens. You need to really accept you’re doing the best you can, for your own good, because you don’t help anybody by worrying. What you can dwell on, though, is how to work on yourself. Not just to be an impressive handsome guy, but to feel good, most important of all.
Everybody says ‘get counseling.’ I say that too, of course, if it’s possible for you. If you’re in school and you’re not happy, milk counseling services for all they’re worth while you can. A lot of employers, especially the major ones, offer programs that people can access mental health practitioners through, too. Speak to your family doctor about your situation, and they might have some options for you as well.
But above and beyond that: Are you eating well? Vitamin D is crucial when it comes to mood, especially this time of year, so if you can pick up a bottle of supplements and a fish filet to steam every now and then (if you eat fish), that will make a world of difference. You also get vitamin D from the sun, so you need to get outside where you can see the light for a few minutes any time it comes out from behind the February clouds.
Are you exercising? I would actually advise against joining a gym unless you know you’ll go there. Attaching the whole commuting element, besides the financial one that comes with having a gym membership, makes it easier to not exercise. Take walks in the cold air with a big bottle of water. I know a guy who takes a sheet, fills it with dirty laundry, ties it to his ceiling, and punches at it for an hour before he goes to bed at night. Push-ups? Serotonin, you guys. Serotonin makes exercise so good for depression (and exercise passes the time like gangbusters).
How are you sleeping? Sometimes going to bed late and waking up late really affects your mood and outlook. If you don’t have a work (or Skype) schedule that makes it impossible, even if you don’t have to get up until later, try getting up around 9 a.m. every day. That one’s just a thought. It does work for me, I have to say.
What really makes me sit up and take notice here, though, are your last few lines:
I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.
You said a little further up in your letter that going out doesn’t really interest you and you’re not much fun to be around anyway, because everything pales in comparison to time spent with her, but it also seems like somewhere in your heart you’re a little afraid something could happen out there that might jeopardize things with Ladybug. Someone else might say, ‘well you don’t love her enough, if you think you’ll cheat if you try to go out and have some fun.’ That isn’t what I would say, though.
I wonder if, on some level, maybe subconsciously, in an effort to keep from making mistakes you made before, you’re doing the opposite of what you would usually do because you are just that determined where this girl is concerned. You say you're cynical, but I bet you were a pretty social person despite that (otherwise it's a little harder to be unfaithful), and while you may have had some important romantic relationships, they maybe took more of a back seat to having fun. There’s nothing wrong with that, until you want to be very serious about someone. However, when that time comes, you can’t let your relationship become the thing in your life. You have just got to find more stuff to do and think about, like she has done, otherwise you really risk making her crazy.
This may be something to consider: What has sex meant to you in the past? There are some people who just really like it a lot, but there are scads of people who are addicted to the validation that comes from it. A lot of people in committed, monogamous, but long-distance relationships feel worthless when they’re not getting any (a lot of people in committed, monogamous local relationships feel worthless when they’re only getting it from one person, I might add). When they hit that low, they forget all about who they love, and it doesn’t come back to them until regret sets in. That’s not an excuse, by any means, but if you find that this could be you, it’s a new way to think about and try to make sense of your past behaviour. Time spent considering that could help you find the key to a fulfilling social life while she’s away, and it’ll most definitely benefit your future with her.
Regardless of whether I'm right or not here, bear in mind: Spring, and the end of the school year, is coming soon.
I am currently dating the prettiest, happiest, most positive girl in the world, and I'm finding it hard to keep up. In such a short time (more than two months) we have fallen completely in love with one another. The problem is that she is in Vancouver, and I am here in New Brunswick; two opposite sides of the country. She will not be back living in my city (which is where she's originally from) until the summer.
The loneliness is really getting to me, waiting for her to come home from fashion school. This makes me a very unpleasant person to talk to, and my social life is confined to Facebook and my apartment as I find that nothing is really fun without her. I am a big grumpy mess, and recently, I've been finding that I have been taking it out on her a lot as she is the only one I really talk to anymore. I get angry when she doesn't show up on time for Skype dates. I get jealous when she tells me how much fun she is having on her weekends.
She is bright, intelligent, funny, comes from a wealthy family, and is going to a good school that costs a lot of money. Now, I know that money and stuff doesn't mean anything to her when it comes to our relationship NOW since we are so young (21 and 25), but I am a university drop out from a lower-middle class family, living paycheck to paycheck, trying to fight off a couple grand in debt, constantly worrying if I'll ever bounce back.
She is incredible, and I do not want to bring her down into my shit hole. The more I think about how I might be bumming her out with my depression when she has no reason to be, I start to feel insecure and that I don't deserve her or that I will only let her down in the end.
How can someone like me with so much love in their heart for a special person like her get over his own insecurities and unhappiness to make the one he loves happy? I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.
Thanks.
Ugh, my heart. You seem like a very sweet, repentant person, and I’ve been in a few long-distance relationships myself, so my shoulders drooped in a special way when I read your letter. Your life, as a long-distance lover, is one of insane highs and miserable lows. You might have lots of people telling you long-distance is a crock. It's true that mine were miserable, and that none of them worked out, but those guys just weren't for me -- I can't blame the long-distance, seeing as I'm happier without them (though I may have been able to tell they weren't right for me if I'd been seeing them more often). Most of the cons people cite about long-distance relationships are reasons to avoid them when you can, not dissolve ones that are already in progress. Anyway, I'm actually not going to discourage you, there.
Lots of people feel like their partner is the best thing they have going on, but it’s that much worse when you’re actually having bad times in other areas of your life, and even worse when you don’t even have your significant other around. Add something like clinical depression to the mix, and it’s hard to have perspective on your life.
You want to be good for her -- happy, successful (whatever your definition of that is) and not unkind to her like you risk when you’re frustrated about Skype commitments and her social life -- and you want to be not miserable for yourself. One of Oprah’s friends once said ‘you need to be a whole before you can be part of a couple.’ The main thing, maybe the obvious thing, is take care of yourself.
About stuff like finances: All you can do is work as hard as you can, and the pay-off happens when it happens. You need to really accept you’re doing the best you can, for your own good, because you don’t help anybody by worrying. What you can dwell on, though, is how to work on yourself. Not just to be an impressive handsome guy, but to feel good, most important of all.
Everybody says ‘get counseling.’ I say that too, of course, if it’s possible for you. If you’re in school and you’re not happy, milk counseling services for all they’re worth while you can. A lot of employers, especially the major ones, offer programs that people can access mental health practitioners through, too. Speak to your family doctor about your situation, and they might have some options for you as well.
But above and beyond that: Are you eating well? Vitamin D is crucial when it comes to mood, especially this time of year, so if you can pick up a bottle of supplements and a fish filet to steam every now and then (if you eat fish), that will make a world of difference. You also get vitamin D from the sun, so you need to get outside where you can see the light for a few minutes any time it comes out from behind the February clouds.
Are you exercising? I would actually advise against joining a gym unless you know you’ll go there. Attaching the whole commuting element, besides the financial one that comes with having a gym membership, makes it easier to not exercise. Take walks in the cold air with a big bottle of water. I know a guy who takes a sheet, fills it with dirty laundry, ties it to his ceiling, and punches at it for an hour before he goes to bed at night. Push-ups? Serotonin, you guys. Serotonin makes exercise so good for depression (and exercise passes the time like gangbusters).
How are you sleeping? Sometimes going to bed late and waking up late really affects your mood and outlook. If you don’t have a work (or Skype) schedule that makes it impossible, even if you don’t have to get up until later, try getting up around 9 a.m. every day. That one’s just a thought. It does work for me, I have to say.
What really makes me sit up and take notice here, though, are your last few lines:
I'm sitting here, being a good boy, waiting for her, and it's really starting to pull on my heart strings. I have been quite unfaithful in past relationships, and I really don't want to fuck this one up.
You said a little further up in your letter that going out doesn’t really interest you and you’re not much fun to be around anyway, because everything pales in comparison to time spent with her, but it also seems like somewhere in your heart you’re a little afraid something could happen out there that might jeopardize things with Ladybug. Someone else might say, ‘well you don’t love her enough, if you think you’ll cheat if you try to go out and have some fun.’ That isn’t what I would say, though.
I wonder if, on some level, maybe subconsciously, in an effort to keep from making mistakes you made before, you’re doing the opposite of what you would usually do because you are just that determined where this girl is concerned. You say you're cynical, but I bet you were a pretty social person despite that (otherwise it's a little harder to be unfaithful), and while you may have had some important romantic relationships, they maybe took more of a back seat to having fun. There’s nothing wrong with that, until you want to be very serious about someone. However, when that time comes, you can’t let your relationship become the thing in your life. You have just got to find more stuff to do and think about, like she has done, otherwise you really risk making her crazy.
This may be something to consider: What has sex meant to you in the past? There are some people who just really like it a lot, but there are scads of people who are addicted to the validation that comes from it. A lot of people in committed, monogamous, but long-distance relationships feel worthless when they’re not getting any (a lot of people in committed, monogamous local relationships feel worthless when they’re only getting it from one person, I might add). When they hit that low, they forget all about who they love, and it doesn’t come back to them until regret sets in. That’s not an excuse, by any means, but if you find that this could be you, it’s a new way to think about and try to make sense of your past behaviour. Time spent considering that could help you find the key to a fulfilling social life while she’s away, and it’ll most definitely benefit your future with her.
Regardless of whether I'm right or not here, bear in mind: Spring, and the end of the school year, is coming soon.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I know you are not a liar, but you need to be more honest
(Note: This message has been abridged to protect the identity of the writer)
I've written to advice columnists and never gotten a response, so I figure try this thing out.
How does one let go of the past and learn to love themselves? I've tried the whole psychotherapy route, found it not worked, and I have many life hurts that I have never shared with anyone, even my life partner. I don't know how to open up fully. I am always on guard, never letting anyone fully know who I am. My life partner has come the closest to knowing me fully.
I have nightmares of the past, scattered flashbacks. It has been about a decade now, when will I get over it. I know my partner tries to get to know this part of me, but I am scared to let him know this.
I just want to forgive and forget. I'm under the treatment of a doctor to try to get me to be able to actually relax. I'm always on guard to protect myself. Sometimes I wonder if I am ruined for life.
I was raped when I was 18 when I was on a date. I showered for days, scrubbing until my skin almost bled. I went through an alcoholic phase to numb everything. It was my first time ever having sex, and sadly something I will always semi remember.
I got in a relationship almost as soon as I hit univeristy, as I thought it would give me some protection. It was a bad relationship to be in, I couldn't relax, I told him about the rape, and he didn't believe me.
I am not the person I used to be, and I don't think I am living up to my full potential. I don't know how to get at that. I don't sleep, and when I do, I wake my partner up screaming. I go through long stretches of feeling worthless and as if I live with a demon inside of me. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to let someone else in.
Well, there is nothing about this note that is not completely heartrending. I’m struck right now by just how ugly life can be sometimes.
I promise your struggle is not insurmountable, but it is, you know, a pretty big deal: don’t be too discouraged just because you’re not over it after only ten years. Whoever said ‘time heals all wounds’ was a total douche in this respect. Don’t worry that it’s taking a long time.
Wow, your ex-boyfriend was a real tool. How do you tell someone who says they’ve been raped that you don’t believe them? How do you even say that? I can’t come close to imagining how that conversation went.
However, I’ve noticed there’s a disturbing amount of people who are likely to respond to a confession like yours with disbelief. We can chalk this up to a few things, and personal shittiness is only one of them.
First, there are indeed people out there who will lie for attention. Chances are, if any of you reading are willing to lie about being raped just to garner sympathy, you already have a problem worth sympathy, so I will take this opportunity to suggest you run with that, instead of sabotaging the attempts of those who want to reach out for help and support after having been through a sexual assault.
Tragically, people who have actually been raped are likely more common than those who will just lie about it. I actually can understand a person not wanting to believe the statistics because they are just that staggering, but I’m pretty confident in the people at the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). Their website is one hell of a buzzkill in this regard. According to that link, one in six women and one in 33 men are sexually assaulted at some point in their lives, while only five per cent of rapists ever see a prison cell.
Part of the experience of sexual assault is a sense of shame and fault. That alone would lead you to want to bear the burden of this on your own – then, when you got up the courage to actually say something, someone rewarded you with a big kick in the heart. You had reason to want to keep this to yourself, and then you had an experience that reinforced that impulse.
This impulse is a problem in itself, and it has the built-in ability to hijack your attempts to deal with it. You say therapy failed you -- and I’m willing to believe that there are people in every field who are just bad at their jobs -- but even if you were dealing with someone competent, how could it have worked for you when you have to meet the mental health practitioners halfway and be totally, completely open, and you haven't felt capable of that?
What do you think ‘letting go’ is? I’m pretty sure it’s not just deciding to forget about it and hoping that that happens for you. What do you think real forgiveness entails? I’m pretty sure it’s not as simple as just wanting bad feelings to go away.
There might be people out there who could keep it all in and will themselves to be content, but I’m pretty sure that’s not most of us, and I think you know it isn’t you. It sounds like a tall order, and you’ve already made a huge step in writing to me like this, but I don’t think the real change can come until you are 100 per cent real with someone in your life who can give you some real support.
In fact, I believe if you don’t do that, you’ll drown, and if I were you, I’d grab someone by the ears and scream everything into their nostrils. If you don’t think your spouse or any other non-professional you know can handle this yet – the information, I mean… you might not choose my particular somewhat violent approach – you’re going to have to get back into counseling. I can't give you any guarantees, but do this one thing, lay it all on just one sane person, and you never know. The rest may just become apparent.
I've written to advice columnists and never gotten a response, so I figure try this thing out.
How does one let go of the past and learn to love themselves? I've tried the whole psychotherapy route, found it not worked, and I have many life hurts that I have never shared with anyone, even my life partner. I don't know how to open up fully. I am always on guard, never letting anyone fully know who I am. My life partner has come the closest to knowing me fully.
I have nightmares of the past, scattered flashbacks. It has been about a decade now, when will I get over it. I know my partner tries to get to know this part of me, but I am scared to let him know this.
I just want to forgive and forget. I'm under the treatment of a doctor to try to get me to be able to actually relax. I'm always on guard to protect myself. Sometimes I wonder if I am ruined for life.
I was raped when I was 18 when I was on a date. I showered for days, scrubbing until my skin almost bled. I went through an alcoholic phase to numb everything. It was my first time ever having sex, and sadly something I will always semi remember.
I got in a relationship almost as soon as I hit univeristy, as I thought it would give me some protection. It was a bad relationship to be in, I couldn't relax, I told him about the rape, and he didn't believe me.
I am not the person I used to be, and I don't think I am living up to my full potential. I don't know how to get at that. I don't sleep, and when I do, I wake my partner up screaming. I go through long stretches of feeling worthless and as if I live with a demon inside of me. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to let someone else in.
Well, there is nothing about this note that is not completely heartrending. I’m struck right now by just how ugly life can be sometimes.
I promise your struggle is not insurmountable, but it is, you know, a pretty big deal: don’t be too discouraged just because you’re not over it after only ten years. Whoever said ‘time heals all wounds’ was a total douche in this respect. Don’t worry that it’s taking a long time.
Wow, your ex-boyfriend was a real tool. How do you tell someone who says they’ve been raped that you don’t believe them? How do you even say that? I can’t come close to imagining how that conversation went.
However, I’ve noticed there’s a disturbing amount of people who are likely to respond to a confession like yours with disbelief. We can chalk this up to a few things, and personal shittiness is only one of them.
First, there are indeed people out there who will lie for attention. Chances are, if any of you reading are willing to lie about being raped just to garner sympathy, you already have a problem worth sympathy, so I will take this opportunity to suggest you run with that, instead of sabotaging the attempts of those who want to reach out for help and support after having been through a sexual assault.
Tragically, people who have actually been raped are likely more common than those who will just lie about it. I actually can understand a person not wanting to believe the statistics because they are just that staggering, but I’m pretty confident in the people at the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). Their website is one hell of a buzzkill in this regard. According to that link, one in six women and one in 33 men are sexually assaulted at some point in their lives, while only five per cent of rapists ever see a prison cell.
Part of the experience of sexual assault is a sense of shame and fault. That alone would lead you to want to bear the burden of this on your own – then, when you got up the courage to actually say something, someone rewarded you with a big kick in the heart. You had reason to want to keep this to yourself, and then you had an experience that reinforced that impulse.
This impulse is a problem in itself, and it has the built-in ability to hijack your attempts to deal with it. You say therapy failed you -- and I’m willing to believe that there are people in every field who are just bad at their jobs -- but even if you were dealing with someone competent, how could it have worked for you when you have to meet the mental health practitioners halfway and be totally, completely open, and you haven't felt capable of that?
What do you think ‘letting go’ is? I’m pretty sure it’s not just deciding to forget about it and hoping that that happens for you. What do you think real forgiveness entails? I’m pretty sure it’s not as simple as just wanting bad feelings to go away.
There might be people out there who could keep it all in and will themselves to be content, but I’m pretty sure that’s not most of us, and I think you know it isn’t you. It sounds like a tall order, and you’ve already made a huge step in writing to me like this, but I don’t think the real change can come until you are 100 per cent real with someone in your life who can give you some real support.
In fact, I believe if you don’t do that, you’ll drown, and if I were you, I’d grab someone by the ears and scream everything into their nostrils. If you don’t think your spouse or any other non-professional you know can handle this yet – the information, I mean… you might not choose my particular somewhat violent approach – you’re going to have to get back into counseling. I can't give you any guarantees, but do this one thing, lay it all on just one sane person, and you never know. The rest may just become apparent.
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