The letter about the mother-in-law got me thinking about my own boyfriends' mom. He's kind of had some false-starts, professionally and financially-speaking, and so he's in some debt in his early 20s. His parents are well-off financially, and his Mom sees nothing wrong with handing him a few hundred every couple of months. She even took it upon herself to order us some furniture (we live together, but we're nowhere near being engaged it's really more for convenience and money-saving), without really asking what we would like, and is always buying him plane tickets for him to go see them in the States. I think her hearts is in the right place, but I kind of resent the meddling in our lives, and I don't like the way it looks when his mother is giving him money... it's hard for me to respect him, and I feel like it's not going to help him get out of debt to have somebody there to just catch him when he falls. What can I do about this?
The idea that it's wrong to let your parents do things for you comes from an immature understanding of what maturity is. Yeah, adults take care of themselves, but they also possess a good degree of sensitivity and tend to understand their adult relationships with their parents and how they change and the rate at which they should change. If you respond to a few bucks for groceries from your little Mommy, when you actually need it, with something like, “Thanks but no thanks,” you're actually depriving your mother who worries about you the good feeling she gets from knowing you're a little better taken care of for the time being, and for what? The sake of feeling a little better about yourself? Actual grown-ups don't have to put on airs about being grown-ups.
It is a little unsexy to see somebody sponging off of his or her parents into adulthood, but that is not what you've said is going on here. You said he's had a few false-starts. You've said it's a couple hundred, and I know personally that a few hundred in today's economy is just a drop in the bucket. You make it sound like he's trying, and I think, personally, that suffering is a little overrated -- see the above paragraph on immature ideas about maturity; it's a little silly of you to require this guy to struggle for your respect. And the plane tickets? Life is too short to not be with your family as much as you can, if you're lucky enough to have a family you want to be near.
You're making a mistake by believing that what this man's mother does for him should have anything to do with you at this stage, let alone by being personally offended by the whole thing. Is it that you think she's rubbing it in your face that you are not in a position to give him the things that she can? Are you feeling a little insecure because your parents don't do the same for you?
Either way, I think you're being too judgmental. This is one of those subjective things -- if you're not comfortable with that, if it's not the way you want to live your life, that's alright, but you really can't expect everyone else to live by the same rules. Think about it, and if it really has to be a problem for you, move along.
Next week: Somebody is at a loss as to how to handle a friend who doesn't know how to do anything but criticize.
Showing posts with label breaking up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breaking up. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
No April foolin' ... here's a letter.
my boyfriend, who is an american living in canada for school, is leaving at the end of this year after he graduates. We've been together about 6 months now and for the first time i can actually say that i am in love. the unfortunate nature of the matter however is that there are no ifs ands of buts about his decision to leave.
every time i bring up his "moving home" he gets irritated and doesn't really want to talk about it. he is leaving, that's it. when i try to express my apprehension about our future he listens and then gives me the silent treatment.
the most irritating part of this problem is that i have no idea whether i make any difference in his decision. of course i don't want to hold him back from anything (he genuinely hates the city we are living in despite having numerous friends ) but i can't help but worry that i am investing too much of myself in a relationship that could potentially devastate me. i suppose that's the danger of being in a relationship.
what would you do?
ps: he has asked me to move in with him in september despite the fact that he will be leaving in december.
Great and good that you don't want to hold him back. Too often people throw away great futures on obligations that feel important when they're young, and chances are if you applied pressure and he knuckled down and you guys ended up not being it for each other, you'd end up hating each other AND not living the best lives for yourselves.
But this doesn't mean that he doesn't owe you anything. He's being extremely inconsiderate by ignoring your pleas for discussion on the topic. And he's inviting you to move in, without addressing the overhanging expiration date that his trip home insinuates regarding your relationship? Where is his head at? Why does he think he can put you through this emotional roller-coaster without any kind of stated future commitment, when you've made it clear that you need to understand things a little better?
The good news is that it looks like you probably do matter when it comes to this decision, because talk about this is so obviously a hard thing for him, and likely because he feels strongly about you. It actually sounds a lot like he may not know what to say because he is still making up his mind. I bet that's what the whole moving in thing is all about: maybe he wants to try you out as a housemate for a few months and then see how he feels.
All of this is understandable, but it doesn't change the fact that he is actually inflicting cruelty on you by holding his cards to his chest. He may be giving himself lots of time and space to really consider what's going on between you with the benefit of your occasional one-sided input, but what are you supposed to do?
And so the impulse is there for you to withdraw, a la “If he won't look after my interests, I'll make my exit and look after my own.” I don't get that this is where you really are, though.
This philosophy has allowed me to be hurt in the past, but I will stick by it: don't always act in a relationship with the sole purpose of protecting yourself. This does not apply if the other person is beating you or stealing from you... you need to protect your body and your credit rating. But, don't break up with a person, say, just because you're afraid he's going to break up with you, not if you still want to be with him, because trying to predict (and shield yourself against) the potential hurtful actions of others is no way to live, and it's no way to love either. It isn't really loving at all. Maybe, if you want to be with him in this moment, you should just be with him as long as you can. Or as long as you can stand it.
In other words, if you're not content to just ride it out and see what happens, I say keep trying until you're certain that it's really no use, or until he does give you an answer. You don't want to wonder if you did the right thing by just letting him go, and you don't want to live life at an arm's length either. I've been hurt before, but you can be damn sure I don't wonder too much about the past.
He needs to understand that it is selfish and cowardly to not confront these issues for his sake as well as yours. I'm not saying you should demand a commitment, because that's not going to help anybody, but I am saying you should demand some respect as a human being all your own who is effected by his decisions. Maybe make some suggestions, not in anger but in earnest, if you're comfortable making them. “Do you want to continue a long-distance relationship?” and “Do you want things with me to go on as long as they can without the promise of anything else?” are the two best options I can think of. Or, to be nice and succinct: “What do you want, man?”
every time i bring up his "moving home" he gets irritated and doesn't really want to talk about it. he is leaving, that's it. when i try to express my apprehension about our future he listens and then gives me the silent treatment.
the most irritating part of this problem is that i have no idea whether i make any difference in his decision. of course i don't want to hold him back from anything (he genuinely hates the city we are living in despite having numerous friends ) but i can't help but worry that i am investing too much of myself in a relationship that could potentially devastate me. i suppose that's the danger of being in a relationship.
what would you do?
ps: he has asked me to move in with him in september despite the fact that he will be leaving in december.
Great and good that you don't want to hold him back. Too often people throw away great futures on obligations that feel important when they're young, and chances are if you applied pressure and he knuckled down and you guys ended up not being it for each other, you'd end up hating each other AND not living the best lives for yourselves.
But this doesn't mean that he doesn't owe you anything. He's being extremely inconsiderate by ignoring your pleas for discussion on the topic. And he's inviting you to move in, without addressing the overhanging expiration date that his trip home insinuates regarding your relationship? Where is his head at? Why does he think he can put you through this emotional roller-coaster without any kind of stated future commitment, when you've made it clear that you need to understand things a little better?
The good news is that it looks like you probably do matter when it comes to this decision, because talk about this is so obviously a hard thing for him, and likely because he feels strongly about you. It actually sounds a lot like he may not know what to say because he is still making up his mind. I bet that's what the whole moving in thing is all about: maybe he wants to try you out as a housemate for a few months and then see how he feels.
All of this is understandable, but it doesn't change the fact that he is actually inflicting cruelty on you by holding his cards to his chest. He may be giving himself lots of time and space to really consider what's going on between you with the benefit of your occasional one-sided input, but what are you supposed to do?
And so the impulse is there for you to withdraw, a la “If he won't look after my interests, I'll make my exit and look after my own.” I don't get that this is where you really are, though.
This philosophy has allowed me to be hurt in the past, but I will stick by it: don't always act in a relationship with the sole purpose of protecting yourself. This does not apply if the other person is beating you or stealing from you... you need to protect your body and your credit rating. But, don't break up with a person, say, just because you're afraid he's going to break up with you, not if you still want to be with him, because trying to predict (and shield yourself against) the potential hurtful actions of others is no way to live, and it's no way to love either. It isn't really loving at all. Maybe, if you want to be with him in this moment, you should just be with him as long as you can. Or as long as you can stand it.
In other words, if you're not content to just ride it out and see what happens, I say keep trying until you're certain that it's really no use, or until he does give you an answer. You don't want to wonder if you did the right thing by just letting him go, and you don't want to live life at an arm's length either. I've been hurt before, but you can be damn sure I don't wonder too much about the past.
He needs to understand that it is selfish and cowardly to not confront these issues for his sake as well as yours. I'm not saying you should demand a commitment, because that's not going to help anybody, but I am saying you should demand some respect as a human being all your own who is effected by his decisions. Maybe make some suggestions, not in anger but in earnest, if you're comfortable making them. “Do you want to continue a long-distance relationship?” and “Do you want things with me to go on as long as they can without the promise of anything else?” are the two best options I can think of. Or, to be nice and succinct: “What do you want, man?”
Monday, March 16, 2009
Queen of Pain
Dear M
My boyfriend is really confusing me! We started out as a secret casual sex thing, He d idn't want people to find out, so i wouldnt show him any special treatment when we met up in public, but he'd get mad at me when we saw each other alone later and acuse me of being mean to him and flirting with other guys. BEing scret wasn't workingm so i asked if we could have a normal boyfriend-girlfriend realtionship. that worked ok for about a month, then he semeed to loose interest, never calling me and not seeming like he wanted to have sex with me. Then he sugested we see each other, but see other people at the same time. So I did that and hooked up with some guys. That REALLY pissed him of. HE got supper jealous. I have been really attentive lately, and he seems to be ignoring me again. Either he's mad and jealous but paying attention to me, or bored and not paying attention to me.. What's going on??
I think you're pretty capable of knowing what's going on here, and what you should do: He can't be pleased, and you should dump him.
But I haven't written a column in several days, AND this one is late, so I'd better lay it all out here to the best of my ability, and colourfully:
When some people think of the words ‘sadist’ or ‘masochist,’ they think of whips and chains and hot wax, when that stuff can just as easily be associated with the words ‘fun,’ and, believe it or not, ‘healthy’; A lot of people with pain and/or humiliation kinks treat it like what it is, and they let their mates in on their fantasies, and it stays in the bedroom, or wherever they keep the cuffs – in other words, in their sexual lives. It’s a game, so they play it. No harm done.
Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is a sado-masochist in a less sexual sense of the word, living the shit 24/7 like a psycho, and likely loving every minute of it no matter what he would have you believe or even what he would acknowledge to himself.
Relevant?: my father once told me that you can tell a lot about a man (like, what he may be like as a mate) by the way he treats his mother, and this observation of his is scarily bang-on. Somewhat in the same vein, you would be surprised at the degree to which some men want to create with their partners something reminiscent of what they had with their Moms, regardless of whether they have good feelings about them or good relationships with them. Either they attempt a recreation of a good mother-son experience, or a correction of a bad mother-son experience. I hate pop psychology just as much as the next hipster, but it’s seriously uncanny, you guys.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy had a serious hate-boner for his mother. Maybe Mom abandoned him in some way. Maybe she left, maybe she cheated on Dad – kids can take it very personally and feel very betrayed when their parents leave or cheat. But, few sons can manage to hate their mothers completely, and the shadows of some very deep feelings manifest themselves in very strange romantic relationship behaviour. Maybe when he’s being cold and bitchy to you, he’s in fact reaming Mom for whatever she did to him. Regardless, somewhere along the line, this guy came to be turned off by things like security and fidelity and affection, and turned on by stuff like paranoia and jealousy and cruelty. Puke!
Regardless, I think he does want you to go out and make him jealous. People who are capable of being honest with themselves about having a similar type of desire identify as cuckhold fetishists. They get off on the idea of their mates getting off with others.
I’m not the most jealous gal, and I have to admit that my eye wanders – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu – but cuckholding is definitely not my thing, and I think it’s a rare couple who isn’t just doing it to look unconditionally cool and can really work this arrangement without destroying each other most unsexily. However, as long as there are people out there who really like this, and manage to lead happy lives while putting it into practice, and can find other people who want to sleep around on them and don’t want to otherwise hurt or take advantage of them, and everybody takes measures to be safe, it’s fine with me.
This guy? Only feels alive when something sketchy and skanky is going on in his life, to make him jealous and to give him something to yell about to you, a.k.a. “New Mom” – all of this is why he looks disinterested now that you’re being good to him.
Here’s another twist: he would rather we all not acknowledge this. He doesn’t want the boom mic or the camera cables slipping into frame, he doesn’t want anybody to see the strings on the puppet, especially you, but mostly him. He likes that he can feel turned on by his jealousy and also feel justified in punishing you, which also turns him on. Your performance is way better for him if you don’t realize it’s all a game and you feel your hurt and confusion genuinely, because it can help him to forget that it’s all a game. It’s all a game that he is selfishly refusing to let you in on.
Either he has a hate-boner for his mother, or he’s watched and/or read more drama than he’s actually managed to live yet. Is he an artist?
In trying to apply this idiotic formula to his life, he is forcing it on your life. It’s a pretty weak formula, it works for him because he’s a pretty weak person, and you should dump him! Wheeee.
My boyfriend is really confusing me! We started out as a secret casual sex thing, He d idn't want people to find out, so i wouldnt show him any special treatment when we met up in public, but he'd get mad at me when we saw each other alone later and acuse me of being mean to him and flirting with other guys. BEing scret wasn't workingm so i asked if we could have a normal boyfriend-girlfriend realtionship. that worked ok for about a month, then he semeed to loose interest, never calling me and not seeming like he wanted to have sex with me. Then he sugested we see each other, but see other people at the same time. So I did that and hooked up with some guys. That REALLY pissed him of. HE got supper jealous. I have been really attentive lately, and he seems to be ignoring me again. Either he's mad and jealous but paying attention to me, or bored and not paying attention to me.. What's going on??
I think you're pretty capable of knowing what's going on here, and what you should do: He can't be pleased, and you should dump him.
But I haven't written a column in several days, AND this one is late, so I'd better lay it all out here to the best of my ability, and colourfully:
When some people think of the words ‘sadist’ or ‘masochist,’ they think of whips and chains and hot wax, when that stuff can just as easily be associated with the words ‘fun,’ and, believe it or not, ‘healthy’; A lot of people with pain and/or humiliation kinks treat it like what it is, and they let their mates in on their fantasies, and it stays in the bedroom, or wherever they keep the cuffs – in other words, in their sexual lives. It’s a game, so they play it. No harm done.
Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is a sado-masochist in a less sexual sense of the word, living the shit 24/7 like a psycho, and likely loving every minute of it no matter what he would have you believe or even what he would acknowledge to himself.
Relevant?: my father once told me that you can tell a lot about a man (like, what he may be like as a mate) by the way he treats his mother, and this observation of his is scarily bang-on. Somewhat in the same vein, you would be surprised at the degree to which some men want to create with their partners something reminiscent of what they had with their Moms, regardless of whether they have good feelings about them or good relationships with them. Either they attempt a recreation of a good mother-son experience, or a correction of a bad mother-son experience. I hate pop psychology just as much as the next hipster, but it’s seriously uncanny, you guys.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy had a serious hate-boner for his mother. Maybe Mom abandoned him in some way. Maybe she left, maybe she cheated on Dad – kids can take it very personally and feel very betrayed when their parents leave or cheat. But, few sons can manage to hate their mothers completely, and the shadows of some very deep feelings manifest themselves in very strange romantic relationship behaviour. Maybe when he’s being cold and bitchy to you, he’s in fact reaming Mom for whatever she did to him. Regardless, somewhere along the line, this guy came to be turned off by things like security and fidelity and affection, and turned on by stuff like paranoia and jealousy and cruelty. Puke!
Regardless, I think he does want you to go out and make him jealous. People who are capable of being honest with themselves about having a similar type of desire identify as cuckhold fetishists. They get off on the idea of their mates getting off with others.
I’m not the most jealous gal, and I have to admit that my eye wanders – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu – but cuckholding is definitely not my thing, and I think it’s a rare couple who isn’t just doing it to look unconditionally cool and can really work this arrangement without destroying each other most unsexily. However, as long as there are people out there who really like this, and manage to lead happy lives while putting it into practice, and can find other people who want to sleep around on them and don’t want to otherwise hurt or take advantage of them, and everybody takes measures to be safe, it’s fine with me.
This guy? Only feels alive when something sketchy and skanky is going on in his life, to make him jealous and to give him something to yell about to you, a.k.a. “New Mom” – all of this is why he looks disinterested now that you’re being good to him.
Here’s another twist: he would rather we all not acknowledge this. He doesn’t want the boom mic or the camera cables slipping into frame, he doesn’t want anybody to see the strings on the puppet, especially you, but mostly him. He likes that he can feel turned on by his jealousy and also feel justified in punishing you, which also turns him on. Your performance is way better for him if you don’t realize it’s all a game and you feel your hurt and confusion genuinely, because it can help him to forget that it’s all a game. It’s all a game that he is selfishly refusing to let you in on.
Either he has a hate-boner for his mother, or he’s watched and/or read more drama than he’s actually managed to live yet. Is he an artist?
In trying to apply this idiotic formula to his life, he is forcing it on your life. It’s a pretty weak formula, it works for him because he’s a pretty weak person, and you should dump him! Wheeee.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
If I really like her, how come I don't want to puke?
i started dating someone over the christmas break, but she is a grad student in a different city from where i live. before she went back to school we decided to try to have a long-distance relationship. so far i think it has gone quite well, i guess. i am really not sure because i have no other long-distance relationship to compare it too, but it feels like it is going well.
i think we could potentially have a good relationship; we get along well and have a lot of fun together. i think i could love her and probably even fall in love with her, and we would probably have a meaningful relationship. but i have been having some doubts lately. i don't really feel any 'sparks'. i don't have pleasant little thoughts of her while i walk to school, she doesn't pop into my head throughout the day, and i don't think of sweet things i could do for her. i am just not sure how seriously to take these doubts.
it could just be the fact that i haven't seen her in a couple months [skpye and email make poor alternatives], so such feelings haven't really had a chance to grow [like in a petry dish]. it also could be my own self-destructiveness coming to add his own two cents. i do have a history of getting uneasy about relationships i am in even though i am happy and they are good for me. chalk it up to some sort of insecurity or fear of relationships i guess? so i sometimes don't take these feelings all too serious.
as well do i really need these sparks? i think i will be happy if we continue on even with out the butterflies and whatnot. maybe this is just part of being an adult; not all relationships make your knees buckle and keep you up at night. but at the same time i don't really want to settle and do something which is logical [horrible word but i can't think of a better one] but i am not fully into emotionally.
the plan is for me to go visit her over march break. but i find myself kinda hesitant to go. should i go or would it be dishonest of me to do so with how i am feeling? or should i go and try to determine where these feelings are coming from?
You’re probably on March break already. I’m sorry I didn’t get to your letter sooner, but I hope you went on your trip. More on what I think later. Self-professed male and overall intelligent and well-read guy Richard McRichardson (NOT HIS REAL NAME) has volunteered to tackle this one with me:
First, the good news: It seems like you're doing a good job at being honest with yourself about your feelings without jumping to conclusions. It's always good to have a clear mind about things, but in this case it seems like you're trying to juggle too many perspectives at once and need a hand putting things in order. The bottom line is that I think you've already answered your own problems when you say that you think you will be happy if you continue on "even without the butterflies and whatnot." This relationship may not feel like others you've been through before but that doesn't mean it isn't valuable or that it can't be fulfilling in its own way. You say that you'll be happy without the butterflies and sparks for now, so, y'know what? BE happy without them for now, and worry about the future when the future comes. People's feelings do change over time and some relationships see those sparks arriving a little later than others, and some never see them at all, but that doesn't mean you're wasting your time or that you ought to give up on things just yet.
As for your "self-destructiveness" and history of uneasiness with relationships that are otherwise going well: it sounds like you need to apply the same honesty you're capable of elsewhere to that side of your thinking. You haven't really said enough about this tendency for me to offer any sort of tangible advice on it, but I can say that if you let this sort of negative thought pattern go unchecked it can and will ruin a lot of good things for you in the future. Maybe you'll always be stuck with that uneasy feeling creeping up from time to time, but hopefully you can get to the point with yourself where you're able to see it for what it is and dismiss it without too much further thought.
Now, the bad news: Long distance relationships are HARD, especially if your heart isn't in it 100%. That doesn't mean that you two are doomed, but it does mean that you'll have to put in a little extra effort from time to time. You may not have much more than skype and e-mail at your disposal, but do what you can to make communication a regular thing. You don't need to be in touch 24/7, but try to make (and keep) your e-mail correspondance and skype sessions a regular thing. If you find yourself dreading your skype conversations or considering it an awful chore to keep up with this person by e-mail, that's when I'd suggest that it's time to revisit your feelings about the whole thing.
Would it be dishonest of you to go visit her for the March break? The fact that you aren't shitting rainbows about this girl doesn't mean that it's dishonest of you to spend some time with someone whose company you enjoy. It's a visit, not a marriage proposal, and it only becomes dishonest if you blow its significance out of proportion. Go see her and have a good time - if nothing else you can use this as a good opportunity to see how you feel about her again once you're face-to-face with her and not just communicating over the internet.
One final note: when actors learn how to portray certain emotions and feelings on-stage one thing they often focus on is mimicking some of the physical signs of those emotions - things like breathing patterns, posture, and facial expressions. When you put your body into a certain state you can help convince your mind to follow along with it, and so these actors are able to feel sadness, anger, joy, or what-have-you by initiating it with their bodies first and letting their minds follow. The point of me bringing this up is to suggest that maybe you're overthinking things a little, and that you might feel better about this relationship if you just let yourself go and went with it. Being physically apart from someone you care about makes it difficult to experience the physical side of your emotions (I'm talking about things like smiles, eye contact, and basic body contact for those of you with minds stuck in the gutter), so maybe you should try tapping into the physical side of your feelings a bit more and letting your mind follow along. Smile when you're writing to her or having a conversation on skype and there's a good chance you'll sound - and feel - cheerier. If there were any problems here I'd suggest that you put some effort into working them out, but it seems to me as if all of your issues are born of your own imagination. Ignore your unfounded inner-naysaying and go into your March break trip with the expectation that you're going to have fun and, with any luck, you might just end up having a great time.
Hmm, interesting. Tomorrow: my reaction.
i think we could potentially have a good relationship; we get along well and have a lot of fun together. i think i could love her and probably even fall in love with her, and we would probably have a meaningful relationship. but i have been having some doubts lately. i don't really feel any 'sparks'. i don't have pleasant little thoughts of her while i walk to school, she doesn't pop into my head throughout the day, and i don't think of sweet things i could do for her. i am just not sure how seriously to take these doubts.
it could just be the fact that i haven't seen her in a couple months [skpye and email make poor alternatives], so such feelings haven't really had a chance to grow [like in a petry dish]. it also could be my own self-destructiveness coming to add his own two cents. i do have a history of getting uneasy about relationships i am in even though i am happy and they are good for me. chalk it up to some sort of insecurity or fear of relationships i guess? so i sometimes don't take these feelings all too serious.
as well do i really need these sparks? i think i will be happy if we continue on even with out the butterflies and whatnot. maybe this is just part of being an adult; not all relationships make your knees buckle and keep you up at night. but at the same time i don't really want to settle and do something which is logical [horrible word but i can't think of a better one] but i am not fully into emotionally.
the plan is for me to go visit her over march break. but i find myself kinda hesitant to go. should i go or would it be dishonest of me to do so with how i am feeling? or should i go and try to determine where these feelings are coming from?
You’re probably on March break already. I’m sorry I didn’t get to your letter sooner, but I hope you went on your trip. More on what I think later. Self-professed male and overall intelligent and well-read guy Richard McRichardson (NOT HIS REAL NAME) has volunteered to tackle this one with me:
First, the good news: It seems like you're doing a good job at being honest with yourself about your feelings without jumping to conclusions. It's always good to have a clear mind about things, but in this case it seems like you're trying to juggle too many perspectives at once and need a hand putting things in order. The bottom line is that I think you've already answered your own problems when you say that you think you will be happy if you continue on "even without the butterflies and whatnot." This relationship may not feel like others you've been through before but that doesn't mean it isn't valuable or that it can't be fulfilling in its own way. You say that you'll be happy without the butterflies and sparks for now, so, y'know what? BE happy without them for now, and worry about the future when the future comes. People's feelings do change over time and some relationships see those sparks arriving a little later than others, and some never see them at all, but that doesn't mean you're wasting your time or that you ought to give up on things just yet.
As for your "self-destructiveness" and history of uneasiness with relationships that are otherwise going well: it sounds like you need to apply the same honesty you're capable of elsewhere to that side of your thinking. You haven't really said enough about this tendency for me to offer any sort of tangible advice on it, but I can say that if you let this sort of negative thought pattern go unchecked it can and will ruin a lot of good things for you in the future. Maybe you'll always be stuck with that uneasy feeling creeping up from time to time, but hopefully you can get to the point with yourself where you're able to see it for what it is and dismiss it without too much further thought.
Now, the bad news: Long distance relationships are HARD, especially if your heart isn't in it 100%. That doesn't mean that you two are doomed, but it does mean that you'll have to put in a little extra effort from time to time. You may not have much more than skype and e-mail at your disposal, but do what you can to make communication a regular thing. You don't need to be in touch 24/7, but try to make (and keep) your e-mail correspondance and skype sessions a regular thing. If you find yourself dreading your skype conversations or considering it an awful chore to keep up with this person by e-mail, that's when I'd suggest that it's time to revisit your feelings about the whole thing.
Would it be dishonest of you to go visit her for the March break? The fact that you aren't shitting rainbows about this girl doesn't mean that it's dishonest of you to spend some time with someone whose company you enjoy. It's a visit, not a marriage proposal, and it only becomes dishonest if you blow its significance out of proportion. Go see her and have a good time - if nothing else you can use this as a good opportunity to see how you feel about her again once you're face-to-face with her and not just communicating over the internet.
One final note: when actors learn how to portray certain emotions and feelings on-stage one thing they often focus on is mimicking some of the physical signs of those emotions - things like breathing patterns, posture, and facial expressions. When you put your body into a certain state you can help convince your mind to follow along with it, and so these actors are able to feel sadness, anger, joy, or what-have-you by initiating it with their bodies first and letting their minds follow. The point of me bringing this up is to suggest that maybe you're overthinking things a little, and that you might feel better about this relationship if you just let yourself go and went with it. Being physically apart from someone you care about makes it difficult to experience the physical side of your emotions (I'm talking about things like smiles, eye contact, and basic body contact for those of you with minds stuck in the gutter), so maybe you should try tapping into the physical side of your feelings a bit more and letting your mind follow along. Smile when you're writing to her or having a conversation on skype and there's a good chance you'll sound - and feel - cheerier. If there were any problems here I'd suggest that you put some effort into working them out, but it seems to me as if all of your issues are born of your own imagination. Ignore your unfounded inner-naysaying and go into your March break trip with the expectation that you're going to have fun and, with any luck, you might just end up having a great time.
Hmm, interesting. Tomorrow: my reaction.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Monday madness… yawn.
Boring: I’m pretty tired.
Exciting: I took a trip this weekend! It was really great.
Boring: It was also exhausting. And, upon returning to my home city, it took me two hours to get from the train station to my dwelling due to multiple malfunctions of public transit.
Exciting: I received several notes concerning Thursday’s and Friday’s letters.
First, my friend Mel, who is a mom, discusses her feelings on Nadya Suleman, she of many aliases and, uh, kids:
Oh man I am also slightly obsessed.
I feel if anyone is moved to death threats then all of their touching notes should be directed toward the Dr. who made this all possible. It was hugely irresponsible & dangerous for all involved. At least Octopussy was emotionally invested & perhaps unstable...what is his excuse?
So now we have 8 little babies who will almost definitely grow into 8 little kids with huge medical issues & then 8 adults who will still carry the effects of the Dr's irresponsibility.
They have to worry about infections, heart problems, eye problems, nervous system problems. They have increased rick of CP & autism. As a Dr. he should NEVER have done this.
I don't even know what to say about her. She is like the crazy cat lady of babies.
Snickers! Crazy cat lady! Yeah, apparently this guy has also fertilized another woman in the states, who is now pregnant with quadruplets or some such large brood. Like I said, I’m all for the procedure, I am not in the least bit freaked out by in-vitro and fertility treatments… as long as they’re safe. This business does not appear to be.
Then, I got lots of comment on the guy who wrote to vent a bit and solicit advice concerning his sex life with his girlfriend, whom he felt was not performing to her fullest capacity.
My pal S.B. was perhaps not as kind to our letter-writer as me, but her sentiment was generally the same – communication is important, and he likely could do with a lot more talking and listening:
To be honest, I think the problem is probably on both ends. Maybe the boy should try to be more receptive to the body language of his girl while they're getting it on. It's a matter of talking, but he should also ask himself if he's actually open to the communication HER body. It is about talking, but it's more about listening to the other.
Sex is a team effort. In order for it to be awesome, the players have to be in sync with each other, and to be in sync, you have to listen.
By the way, to the dude, did you even stop to think that the reason why she's not doing much is because YOU'RE doing a crappy job? Maybe you're too busy looking for your own pleasure in all this to be able to entice her into having a good time. These things don't just happen for girls.
My friend Johnny swung by again to give his two cents:
This is all good advice, except it seems to ignore the possibility the girl might just be a bad lay.
Let me be a bit more specific: she might be a bad lay for you. We're not all "one size fits all". Different people have different sexual chemistry, and it might just be that you two are incompatible.
By all means, take M's advice and talk to your girlfriend. I would suggest before sex you talk to her about what turns her on. Be open about what your turns are too! (And I'm not talking about major fetishes or anything, but things like "It'd be hot if you wore some sexy socks when I was fucking you", or "I like be fucked against a wall," etc.) Incorporating those little things into sex will make it hotter for both of you!
But if you're not getting anywhere with talking then dump her. Otherwise, you will seek satisfying sex elsewhere and end up hurting her more than a breakup talk ever would.
I did draw attention to the chemistry principle – people are different psychologically and sexually, which could explain some of the hitches you’ve been hitting so far. Maybe I didn’t make it clear enough that while time and increased familiarity can sometimes be the fix for a few of the situations, it’s definitely not a guarantee. Things can fail if you do manage to talk, too, but two good potential outcomes are: 1) expressing yourselves solves your problems and the relationship is saved and 2) you find out that all the talking in the world won’t make you soul mates and you quit wasting time with each other. I guess I figured the possibility of incompatibility was a given!
I don’t know if before sex is such a great idea -- that is, if you’re looking to have a frank talk. If you want to avoid having an earnest discussion on things, because you already have an idea of what you’d like your encounters to be like, by all means just go ahead and make suggestions just like Johnny uh, suggested, and put those suggestions into practice together real quick. But if you’re interested in getting at the why, I actually don’t think such a conversation should be a prelude to sex. You might require a calm atmosphere in a timeslot when you’re not doing much of anything else and when you’re feeling close to each other, I figure.
And Johnny is right: once it’s become apparent to you that it’s just not going to work, you need to follow through on that conclusion and make your classy exit. Sometimes dumping somebody can be the most stand-up, respectful thing you can do for them. A person who allows himself or herself to remain only partly invested in their partner is actually not giving their partner much regard at all.
And lastly, my buddy Richard McRichardson chimes in from afar:
He should definitely talk to her. But what if things don't work out? What if, after all of the conversation, explanation, and communication, things still aren't so steamy in the bedroom?
It might feel harsh to dump someone over bad sex, but let's face it: sex is a very important part of the vast majority of relationships. It's not "superficial" to value the physical aspects of your relationship along with the emotional ones and, frankly, bad sex could very well be worth dumping someone over. But let's not be hasty.
It's important that, along with all the communication, you give this time. Changes may not happen overnight, and she might have to adjust to your particular tastes in a number of ways. But if, at the end of the day, the sex is still bad, you're well within your rights to (politely!) call things off. Maybe she's a really cool person, and maybe the two of you can still be great friends, but trying to maintain an exclusive relationship with someone where the sex is disappointingly bad will just lead to disaster. One way or another she'll sense your dissatisfaction, which won't make her feel any better about things, and you'll probably either really regret missing out on all of the great sex you could be having in another relationship or, worse yet, cheat on her. Ending the relationship could very well be the honorable thing to do.
There is another option if the sex is still bad, if she's open to it, and that would be for the two of you to have an open relationship. That kind of arrangement is most certainly NOT for everyone, but if you really connect with this person emotionally and they can't fulfill your physical desires you might want to consider discussing the possibility of seeking physical pleasure with other partners. This is a last-ditch solution, and in all honesty it would probably be easier, safer, and more respectable to just end the relationship - introducing other partners to the mix partway through an exclusive relationship is FAR from easy - but that doesn't mean the possibility should be ignored entirely either.
Worth saying! Well put.
Richard is going to help me out with Tuesday’s letter. Ahem!
Tomorrow, a dude wants to know if his lack of butterflies and other associated stomach ailments is an indication that his long-distance relationship is going nowhere.
Exciting: I took a trip this weekend! It was really great.
Boring: It was also exhausting. And, upon returning to my home city, it took me two hours to get from the train station to my dwelling due to multiple malfunctions of public transit.
Exciting: I received several notes concerning Thursday’s and Friday’s letters.
First, my friend Mel, who is a mom, discusses her feelings on Nadya Suleman, she of many aliases and, uh, kids:
Oh man I am also slightly obsessed.
I feel if anyone is moved to death threats then all of their touching notes should be directed toward the Dr. who made this all possible. It was hugely irresponsible & dangerous for all involved. At least Octopussy was emotionally invested & perhaps unstable...what is his excuse?
So now we have 8 little babies who will almost definitely grow into 8 little kids with huge medical issues & then 8 adults who will still carry the effects of the Dr's irresponsibility.
They have to worry about infections, heart problems, eye problems, nervous system problems. They have increased rick of CP & autism. As a Dr. he should NEVER have done this.
I don't even know what to say about her. She is like the crazy cat lady of babies.
Snickers! Crazy cat lady! Yeah, apparently this guy has also fertilized another woman in the states, who is now pregnant with quadruplets or some such large brood. Like I said, I’m all for the procedure, I am not in the least bit freaked out by in-vitro and fertility treatments… as long as they’re safe. This business does not appear to be.
Then, I got lots of comment on the guy who wrote to vent a bit and solicit advice concerning his sex life with his girlfriend, whom he felt was not performing to her fullest capacity.
My pal S.B. was perhaps not as kind to our letter-writer as me, but her sentiment was generally the same – communication is important, and he likely could do with a lot more talking and listening:
To be honest, I think the problem is probably on both ends. Maybe the boy should try to be more receptive to the body language of his girl while they're getting it on. It's a matter of talking, but he should also ask himself if he's actually open to the communication HER body. It is about talking, but it's more about listening to the other.
Sex is a team effort. In order for it to be awesome, the players have to be in sync with each other, and to be in sync, you have to listen.
By the way, to the dude, did you even stop to think that the reason why she's not doing much is because YOU'RE doing a crappy job? Maybe you're too busy looking for your own pleasure in all this to be able to entice her into having a good time. These things don't just happen for girls.
My friend Johnny swung by again to give his two cents:
This is all good advice, except it seems to ignore the possibility the girl might just be a bad lay.
Let me be a bit more specific: she might be a bad lay for you. We're not all "one size fits all". Different people have different sexual chemistry, and it might just be that you two are incompatible.
By all means, take M's advice and talk to your girlfriend. I would suggest before sex you talk to her about what turns her on. Be open about what your turns are too! (And I'm not talking about major fetishes or anything, but things like "It'd be hot if you wore some sexy socks when I was fucking you", or "I like be fucked against a wall," etc.) Incorporating those little things into sex will make it hotter for both of you!
But if you're not getting anywhere with talking then dump her. Otherwise, you will seek satisfying sex elsewhere and end up hurting her more than a breakup talk ever would.
I did draw attention to the chemistry principle – people are different psychologically and sexually, which could explain some of the hitches you’ve been hitting so far. Maybe I didn’t make it clear enough that while time and increased familiarity can sometimes be the fix for a few of the situations, it’s definitely not a guarantee. Things can fail if you do manage to talk, too, but two good potential outcomes are: 1) expressing yourselves solves your problems and the relationship is saved and 2) you find out that all the talking in the world won’t make you soul mates and you quit wasting time with each other. I guess I figured the possibility of incompatibility was a given!
I don’t know if before sex is such a great idea -- that is, if you’re looking to have a frank talk. If you want to avoid having an earnest discussion on things, because you already have an idea of what you’d like your encounters to be like, by all means just go ahead and make suggestions just like Johnny uh, suggested, and put those suggestions into practice together real quick. But if you’re interested in getting at the why, I actually don’t think such a conversation should be a prelude to sex. You might require a calm atmosphere in a timeslot when you’re not doing much of anything else and when you’re feeling close to each other, I figure.
And Johnny is right: once it’s become apparent to you that it’s just not going to work, you need to follow through on that conclusion and make your classy exit. Sometimes dumping somebody can be the most stand-up, respectful thing you can do for them. A person who allows himself or herself to remain only partly invested in their partner is actually not giving their partner much regard at all.
And lastly, my buddy Richard McRichardson chimes in from afar:
He should definitely talk to her. But what if things don't work out? What if, after all of the conversation, explanation, and communication, things still aren't so steamy in the bedroom?
It might feel harsh to dump someone over bad sex, but let's face it: sex is a very important part of the vast majority of relationships. It's not "superficial" to value the physical aspects of your relationship along with the emotional ones and, frankly, bad sex could very well be worth dumping someone over. But let's not be hasty.
It's important that, along with all the communication, you give this time. Changes may not happen overnight, and she might have to adjust to your particular tastes in a number of ways. But if, at the end of the day, the sex is still bad, you're well within your rights to (politely!) call things off. Maybe she's a really cool person, and maybe the two of you can still be great friends, but trying to maintain an exclusive relationship with someone where the sex is disappointingly bad will just lead to disaster. One way or another she'll sense your dissatisfaction, which won't make her feel any better about things, and you'll probably either really regret missing out on all of the great sex you could be having in another relationship or, worse yet, cheat on her. Ending the relationship could very well be the honorable thing to do.
There is another option if the sex is still bad, if she's open to it, and that would be for the two of you to have an open relationship. That kind of arrangement is most certainly NOT for everyone, but if you really connect with this person emotionally and they can't fulfill your physical desires you might want to consider discussing the possibility of seeking physical pleasure with other partners. This is a last-ditch solution, and in all honesty it would probably be easier, safer, and more respectable to just end the relationship - introducing other partners to the mix partway through an exclusive relationship is FAR from easy - but that doesn't mean the possibility should be ignored entirely either.
Worth saying! Well put.
Richard is going to help me out with Tuesday’s letter. Ahem!
Tomorrow, a dude wants to know if his lack of butterflies and other associated stomach ailments is an indication that his long-distance relationship is going nowhere.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Usurper as sister: a reader’s response
One lady saw a red flag in Tuesday’s letter (about a girl who doesn’t like seeing her idiot ex spreading his idiot self to other potential idiots and then feeling like she’s watching them being idiots together), that she just could not ignore.
1) Love your use of Turd Ferguson
2) Love the t-t-t-tambourine.
3) I am real quick to feel bad for the new girlfriend in this situation! Not only is she potentially dating a well, Turd Ferguson, who would go after someone while still involved with someone else (does not bode well for the future, frankly), but also, the writer says that she doesn't know how much New Girlfriend knows about what went on. It is very likely that she didn't know about Old Girlfriend's very current status when Turd came on her scene. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt because I have been in that situation myself, and have found out later - it is super awkward (and makes you feel very guilty). I've also been the new GF getting the evil eye from the old GF during social occassions, and damnit if it doesn't freak a person out. She says she was never actually introduced to the girl, and actually, there is a reasonable possibility that the new girl doesn't know who she is, and was only looking her over because our dear question writer was throwing off hostile vibes. I guess it just weirds me out that she said she's so angry at the two of them, when as far as the letter indicates, this was really the guy's doing (harsh way to break up with her btw!). She doesn't have to be best friends with the new lady, but hating her just screams of girl-on-girl crime to me.
(And so, Wednesday is devoted to the following hypothetical situation: a girl is completely unaware of the circumstances of her boyfriend’s last breakup, in which he actually didn’t bother to make things final with the other girl until well after things were underway with the new girl, and the old girl is pissed.)
Yeah! Like I said, don’t be mad at the two of them. It’s easy to project the personality and attitude of the ex onto someone who will touch him after he’s done what he’s done, but the fact remains that she may not be privy to all of his shit. It happens, lots of us have been there, and if that is what has happened here, it sucks that he has put the new girl in that position… the one where a part in some drama she may not even understand is forced on her.
By the time a victim of this kind of shit can know what’s going on, everybody in town may have decided she’s a slag. All of a sudden, this woman is on par with our original Tuesday letter writer, with a similar compulsion to clear her name, and with only a faint notion of what she’s actually done, let alone what to do about it.
So, was my advice to the ex-girlfriend, to leave it alone and let her ex-boyfriend’s new romance take its course, wrong? Should she actually try to warn this girl about this guy’s character? One reader seemed to think so:
girlfriend needs to let the new girl know what she’s getting into. i wish my ex’s ex would have done the same for me, because then maybe i would have dumped him before he cheated on me. i just know that i would have appreciated it.
I don’t know. Maybe now you say you would have appreciated it, but there’s a lot to be said for perspective, a la, you didn’t feel then what you feel now, because you didn’t know then what you know now. I think it’s actually a rare woman who will trust another woman, especially an ex-girlfriend (and potential rival, in their eyes), criticizing somebody she really likes, to have their best interests at heart. But maybe you didn't feel all that strongly about the guy at first, and those feelings grew later on before you could find out the truth. In general, I’d say it’s best to stay out of the lives of exes, not antagonize new girlfriends, and let them learn their own lessons -- especially considering it's more useful for someone to hear information of this nature from someone they feel they can trust, i.e., not their romantic interest's ex -- but I suppose I will make this allowance: some girls do like to think they would like a heads-up.
I really think that anybody who finds out they’ve been tricked into dating somebody who will move on before he’s ended a relationship can either embark on a vigorous, conspicuous, inappropriate innocence campaign, and risk looking guilty and graceless… and really really weird… or! Try to forget about the whole thing and trust that people will get to know her well enough to know she’s not mean, or maybe that people will notice a pattern of deception in the ex’s behaviour that could explain the whole thing. Kind of like what I recommended for ex-girlfriend.
So yeah! I stand by my previous assessment: I still think the ex-girlfriend needs to stop the vicious cycle of giving a damn and resist the fear of judgment of others and live a nice life. Now! For the sake of all womankind, and that is how she can be fair to the new girl.
1) Love your use of Turd Ferguson
2) Love the t-t-t-tambourine.
3) I am real quick to feel bad for the new girlfriend in this situation! Not only is she potentially dating a well, Turd Ferguson, who would go after someone while still involved with someone else (does not bode well for the future, frankly), but also, the writer says that she doesn't know how much New Girlfriend knows about what went on. It is very likely that she didn't know about Old Girlfriend's very current status when Turd came on her scene. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt because I have been in that situation myself, and have found out later - it is super awkward (and makes you feel very guilty). I've also been the new GF getting the evil eye from the old GF during social occassions, and damnit if it doesn't freak a person out. She says she was never actually introduced to the girl, and actually, there is a reasonable possibility that the new girl doesn't know who she is, and was only looking her over because our dear question writer was throwing off hostile vibes. I guess it just weirds me out that she said she's so angry at the two of them, when as far as the letter indicates, this was really the guy's doing (harsh way to break up with her btw!). She doesn't have to be best friends with the new lady, but hating her just screams of girl-on-girl crime to me.
(And so, Wednesday is devoted to the following hypothetical situation: a girl is completely unaware of the circumstances of her boyfriend’s last breakup, in which he actually didn’t bother to make things final with the other girl until well after things were underway with the new girl, and the old girl is pissed.)
Yeah! Like I said, don’t be mad at the two of them. It’s easy to project the personality and attitude of the ex onto someone who will touch him after he’s done what he’s done, but the fact remains that she may not be privy to all of his shit. It happens, lots of us have been there, and if that is what has happened here, it sucks that he has put the new girl in that position… the one where a part in some drama she may not even understand is forced on her.
By the time a victim of this kind of shit can know what’s going on, everybody in town may have decided she’s a slag. All of a sudden, this woman is on par with our original Tuesday letter writer, with a similar compulsion to clear her name, and with only a faint notion of what she’s actually done, let alone what to do about it.
So, was my advice to the ex-girlfriend, to leave it alone and let her ex-boyfriend’s new romance take its course, wrong? Should she actually try to warn this girl about this guy’s character? One reader seemed to think so:
girlfriend needs to let the new girl know what she’s getting into. i wish my ex’s ex would have done the same for me, because then maybe i would have dumped him before he cheated on me. i just know that i would have appreciated it.
I don’t know. Maybe now you say you would have appreciated it, but there’s a lot to be said for perspective, a la, you didn’t feel then what you feel now, because you didn’t know then what you know now. I think it’s actually a rare woman who will trust another woman, especially an ex-girlfriend (and potential rival, in their eyes), criticizing somebody she really likes, to have their best interests at heart. But maybe you didn't feel all that strongly about the guy at first, and those feelings grew later on before you could find out the truth. In general, I’d say it’s best to stay out of the lives of exes, not antagonize new girlfriends, and let them learn their own lessons -- especially considering it's more useful for someone to hear information of this nature from someone they feel they can trust, i.e., not their romantic interest's ex -- but I suppose I will make this allowance: some girls do like to think they would like a heads-up.
I really think that anybody who finds out they’ve been tricked into dating somebody who will move on before he’s ended a relationship can either embark on a vigorous, conspicuous, inappropriate innocence campaign, and risk looking guilty and graceless… and really really weird… or! Try to forget about the whole thing and trust that people will get to know her well enough to know she’s not mean, or maybe that people will notice a pattern of deception in the ex’s behaviour that could explain the whole thing. Kind of like what I recommended for ex-girlfriend.
So yeah! I stand by my previous assessment: I still think the ex-girlfriend needs to stop the vicious cycle of giving a damn and resist the fear of judgment of others and live a nice life. Now! For the sake of all womankind, and that is how she can be fair to the new girl.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Love is a battlefield; keep this one a Cold War
I recently attended a party. My ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend were there. I'm still angry at the two of them because he pursued her before breaking it off with me [I hadn't any idea that things were going so badly, he just cut off all communication and left me in the dark on that one for nearly a month, but i digress].
I didn't say anything to them, because there were others around that I could talk to, and to be fair, they hadn't made any attempt to be friendly with me. She kept looking me over, which intrigues me because I haven't any idea what he's told her about me, and yet I'm concerned that she hasn't heard the full story.
I suppose if it ever comes up, I could plead "Well, you never introduced us" (which is true-- he never made an effort to introduce her to me or vice-versa) or "Well, what did you expect? To greet and be BFF with the girl you were pursuing while you were still with me PISS OFF" or something like that. Either way, I'm concerned that my name won't be clear in this situation, and I somehow come off looking like a crazy bitch because I have no desire to know and talk with either of them. It becomes difficult because my ex and I are within the same circle of friends, and will be invited to (and probably attend) the same gatherings.
It hurts enough to see them together-- if I can't protect my heart, is there any way I can protect my dignity and reputation?
The dynamic between the ex-girlfriend and the now-girlfriend can be one of the lumpiest, foggiest, most passive-aggressive things, especially if you’re not on speaking terms with your old flame, things didn’t end well, and you stand to see them around with any frequency at all.
Chances are only slim that he has been kind to your memory. People vent to others about their exes, or anybody else they share any disputes with. It’s an immature impulse that stays with many people all their lives. What’s good is mutual friends and acquaintances will decide for themselves if any criticism of an ex is valid.
True, a person who vents more and to more people may appear to be the more wounded and slighted in the relationship/bloodshed, but they’re perhaps more likely to appear bitter and vengeful if they’re going off on an ex with regularity, and for a period of time disproportionate to the gripes (i.e., if you’re still raving about fair comments an ex made about you in 2002, let me do you the favour of letting you know that you look like jackass. Ahem. ‘You look like a jackass.’ And, you’re welcome). Have you ever heard the expression, ‘give them enough rope and they’ll hang themselves’? Basically, it means that in some situations you should let bitches bitch all they want because it’ll just drive people to side with the silent.
But, it tends to be in a current girlfriend (or boyfriend’s) interest to side with their S.O. when it comes to anything said about a predecessor. They want to please their new romantic interest, they want to come off the winner in any comparison/contest, and they likely don’t want to believe they’re with someone who would say something unfair, or, God forbid, untrue!
It’s better if a girlfriend can be a voice of reason; It's better to discourage pettiness and help him be realistic and reasonable, and see any error in his own actions, because then he can be a better person for her. A guy with any brain at all would come to appreciate and respect a girl who could act so genuinely and intelligently, because those are marks of a truly good person.
But you can’t trust that she’s like that. And you really can't take it upon yourself to try to enlighten her about this guy and your past relationship with him. It'll look crazy, and she's not likely to listen due to all the stuff I said above. Even if you make sense, it will not compute.
So, even though it might make you feel a little helpless, you should probably resign yourself to the fact that your ex has probably said something about his past relationship with you to his new girl, and that unless they’re already in the thick of a really frank and candid meeting-of-the-minds kind of match, she’s not seeing any crack in his reasoning. Yet.
All actual names, places and professions have been replaced with just as believable ones in the following anecdote:
My friend Minnie hooked up with Stevie, who had been recently dumped by Francie. One night, Minnie sat in the light of a single pine-scented candle in Stevie’s basement apartment, and listened to him pronounce all the emotional hardships that Francie had put him through, as a very serious, insensitive girl, always pressuring him to get a better job and go to the gym and stop making his clever clever fart jokes. Minnie laughed as Stevie dubbed Francie ‘beaver-teeth’ or some such rude name. And then they probably did it. You know. It.
A year later, a disillusioned Minnie left Stevie for Dickie, a very serious guy indeed, because, as Minnie found out, all of the criticisms Stevie rhymed off about himself as coming from Francie were pretty valid. Serious Francie is now an investment banker, and to my knowledge Single, Aging Stevie is working the graveyard shift at a KFC in rural Nova Scotia. Jealous?
People who date can’t help but learn a lot about each other. If your ex is not a great guy and if he is not saying fair things about you to this girl, she’ll realize it someday, and she might end up in the same boat you are in now, with a spectacular marine view of what an ass he is. Don’t be angry at the two of them because she might be completely oblivious. She wouldn’t be the first oblivious woman to carry on with a man for a while before things have been officially resolved with another one, for example.
By the time she’s in the boat you are in now, you will be in a different boat. A speedboat on the French Riviera, perhaps. Not giving a damn. You know that’s the outcome, right? In the future, likely the near future, whatever Turd Ferguson is telling his chick about you now won’t matter a whole lot. It’s not even important now (which is why it would look weird for you to try to talk to her about him, another reason to not bother trying to get your story out there).
I think it only hurts you to see them together because you feel like they're conspiring against you, and that you give undue weight to the issue when you think like this. Like you said, they are only two people that you don’t care to know or speak to. So take what I’ve said here, about the inevitable, and don’t know or speak to them (by this I mean, don't seek them out, and just smile and nod when you make eye contact), and don’t care about it. From here it looks like you only risk looking like a crazy bitch if you let yourself feel and act like a crazy bitch now.
Continue to be polite and fun to be around. If you’re cool and they’re jerks, people will notice. If you can’t feel cool, i.e. actualize to yourself the fact that it's not reasonable to care: think cool and act cool, and you’ll find the sensation will be along. If you have trouble smiling at them, just think of this. Always worked for me.
I didn't say anything to them, because there were others around that I could talk to, and to be fair, they hadn't made any attempt to be friendly with me. She kept looking me over, which intrigues me because I haven't any idea what he's told her about me, and yet I'm concerned that she hasn't heard the full story.
I suppose if it ever comes up, I could plead "Well, you never introduced us" (which is true-- he never made an effort to introduce her to me or vice-versa) or "Well, what did you expect? To greet and be BFF with the girl you were pursuing while you were still with me PISS OFF" or something like that. Either way, I'm concerned that my name won't be clear in this situation, and I somehow come off looking like a crazy bitch because I have no desire to know and talk with either of them. It becomes difficult because my ex and I are within the same circle of friends, and will be invited to (and probably attend) the same gatherings.
It hurts enough to see them together-- if I can't protect my heart, is there any way I can protect my dignity and reputation?
The dynamic between the ex-girlfriend and the now-girlfriend can be one of the lumpiest, foggiest, most passive-aggressive things, especially if you’re not on speaking terms with your old flame, things didn’t end well, and you stand to see them around with any frequency at all.
Chances are only slim that he has been kind to your memory. People vent to others about their exes, or anybody else they share any disputes with. It’s an immature impulse that stays with many people all their lives. What’s good is mutual friends and acquaintances will decide for themselves if any criticism of an ex is valid.
True, a person who vents more and to more people may appear to be the more wounded and slighted in the relationship/bloodshed, but they’re perhaps more likely to appear bitter and vengeful if they’re going off on an ex with regularity, and for a period of time disproportionate to the gripes (i.e., if you’re still raving about fair comments an ex made about you in 2002, let me do you the favour of letting you know that you look like jackass. Ahem. ‘You look like a jackass.’ And, you’re welcome). Have you ever heard the expression, ‘give them enough rope and they’ll hang themselves’? Basically, it means that in some situations you should let bitches bitch all they want because it’ll just drive people to side with the silent.
But, it tends to be in a current girlfriend (or boyfriend’s) interest to side with their S.O. when it comes to anything said about a predecessor. They want to please their new romantic interest, they want to come off the winner in any comparison/contest, and they likely don’t want to believe they’re with someone who would say something unfair, or, God forbid, untrue!
It’s better if a girlfriend can be a voice of reason; It's better to discourage pettiness and help him be realistic and reasonable, and see any error in his own actions, because then he can be a better person for her. A guy with any brain at all would come to appreciate and respect a girl who could act so genuinely and intelligently, because those are marks of a truly good person.
But you can’t trust that she’s like that. And you really can't take it upon yourself to try to enlighten her about this guy and your past relationship with him. It'll look crazy, and she's not likely to listen due to all the stuff I said above. Even if you make sense, it will not compute.
So, even though it might make you feel a little helpless, you should probably resign yourself to the fact that your ex has probably said something about his past relationship with you to his new girl, and that unless they’re already in the thick of a really frank and candid meeting-of-the-minds kind of match, she’s not seeing any crack in his reasoning. Yet.
All actual names, places and professions have been replaced with just as believable ones in the following anecdote:
My friend Minnie hooked up with Stevie, who had been recently dumped by Francie. One night, Minnie sat in the light of a single pine-scented candle in Stevie’s basement apartment, and listened to him pronounce all the emotional hardships that Francie had put him through, as a very serious, insensitive girl, always pressuring him to get a better job and go to the gym and stop making his clever clever fart jokes. Minnie laughed as Stevie dubbed Francie ‘beaver-teeth’ or some such rude name. And then they probably did it. You know. It.
A year later, a disillusioned Minnie left Stevie for Dickie, a very serious guy indeed, because, as Minnie found out, all of the criticisms Stevie rhymed off about himself as coming from Francie were pretty valid. Serious Francie is now an investment banker, and to my knowledge Single, Aging Stevie is working the graveyard shift at a KFC in rural Nova Scotia. Jealous?
People who date can’t help but learn a lot about each other. If your ex is not a great guy and if he is not saying fair things about you to this girl, she’ll realize it someday, and she might end up in the same boat you are in now, with a spectacular marine view of what an ass he is. Don’t be angry at the two of them because she might be completely oblivious. She wouldn’t be the first oblivious woman to carry on with a man for a while before things have been officially resolved with another one, for example.
By the time she’s in the boat you are in now, you will be in a different boat. A speedboat on the French Riviera, perhaps. Not giving a damn. You know that’s the outcome, right? In the future, likely the near future, whatever Turd Ferguson is telling his chick about you now won’t matter a whole lot. It’s not even important now (which is why it would look weird for you to try to talk to her about him, another reason to not bother trying to get your story out there).
I think it only hurts you to see them together because you feel like they're conspiring against you, and that you give undue weight to the issue when you think like this. Like you said, they are only two people that you don’t care to know or speak to. So take what I’ve said here, about the inevitable, and don’t know or speak to them (by this I mean, don't seek them out, and just smile and nod when you make eye contact), and don’t care about it. From here it looks like you only risk looking like a crazy bitch if you let yourself feel and act like a crazy bitch now.
Continue to be polite and fun to be around. If you’re cool and they’re jerks, people will notice. If you can’t feel cool, i.e. actualize to yourself the fact that it's not reasonable to care: think cool and act cool, and you’ll find the sensation will be along. If you have trouble smiling at them, just think of this. Always worked for me.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Just one more, until 02/14/10
It's Monday so I got some mailllllll. This message is from my friend and yours, Mary of The Mary Report.
I resent the implication that I am well-adjusted and/or satisfied with my life (har har), but really? We just ignore all this business at my house. We don't even acknowledge the day and I like it this way. The first year we were together I was all, "I'm not into Valentine's day, and we're both broke, so let's please not do anything," and he agreed. But then he got me a gift anyway! And it was a really nice gift! But then I felt awful because I didn't get him anything! Ugh!
Anyway. I'm totally going to hit the SuperStore for cheap chocolate on Sunday. Hooray! And Sorry Mom is the best ever.
Mary’s got some good sense.
Know what I did for Valentine’s Day? I shaved my legs. My live-in brought me a Kit-Kat when he got off work, because I called him and asked him to bring me one. We made bacon and eggs, had a bath, and then went to bed at 8 p.m. with a bottle of red wine. Verdict: Best V-Day of all time.
Sidenote: What is with the whole, somebody getting you something for Valentine’s day, or whatever other holiday, after you’ve both agreed to not make a big deal about it? It’s O.K., as long as he or she is like Mary's S.O. and not expecting you to surprise them, too, I guess.
Some people have gotten into real trouble believing Valentine’s Day was not going to be an issue to find their partner was expecting some kind of jewelry commercial-esque plot twist.
Exhibit A:
i made the mistake of starting something casual with a girl in late january. we were each other’s dates to a few rock shows, we had a few “slumber-parties.” i don’t know if i thought i was having a fling, but i wasn’t thinking too hard about it. i just thought we were having fun and seeing where it would go. i didn’t want to do something too big for valentine’s in case it scared her off, because we aren’t all that mush, and really we’ve only been seeing each other a few weeks, and i wouldve felt like an insincere knob. i gave her a little spiderman valentine from my nephew’s set, dropped it in her mailbox because we hadn’t made plans to see each other and i figured she’d be busy. cute, right? i guess not! she called me all, ‘wtf is this shit?’ she wanted me to come over uninvited to ‘surprise’ her (even though that’s what she was expecting? surprise? wtf, right?), and she’s pretty pissed because of what her roommates got from their boyfriends and because she stayed home by herself while they were all out doing something. now i don’t know what kind of shape we’re in. i don’t know if she hates me, i don’t know if i’m supposed to make it up to her, i don’t even know if i want to do that because if i wasn’t sure how i felt about her before i’m def not sure now. and i wonder if we’d be in this shape if only valentines hadn’t happened a few weeks after we started seeing each other. what the hell do i do now?
A kids' Spiderman valentine? That IS pretty cute, and pretty safe, and it looks like this situation called for safe. A few weeks is rarely enough time to know well enough how you feel about someone in order to make crazy declarations. You know, an insincere knob is a dangerous thing to be. People in love with being in love are just the freaking worst. Their relationships have nothing to do with the other party. They just get off on making grand gestures for other people to see –- they’re not having fun with just the person they're with, they have to have everybody else watching -- and its too bad those grand gestures fool unwitting girls and boys into believing they’re onto the real thing with someone.
This girl may in fact watch too many movies, if she doesn’t see the danger of a person who is too lovey too fast. It’s not like you did nothing, which, even given my own relaxed attitude about the 14th, I don't recommend when you're very early into a thing with somebody, unless you make sure there's nothing expected. Because there are varying stances on this stuff, you don't know if you risk hurting somebody's feelings.
Maybe you should have talked to her instead of coming up with your own solution (though I think it was pretty good). In the same breath, what about her? What did she get you for Valentine's Day? It does kind of suck that she didn't have a good night sitting at home while her roomies went out, but she could have suggested you come over or that you do something.
Maybe things would have played out differently if you had gotten together at a different time in the year. It might be telling about her character and maturity that she’s had this reaction. Maybe it’s lucky you got Valentine’s Day out of the way early, because now you’ve seen this side of her. Like I said on Friday, Valentine’s Day doesn’t really create problems, but it can identify them. In relationships, in situations, in people.
But on Valentine's Day sometimes people put pressure on themselves and their partners, crushes, what have you, to make conclusions and statements about their romantic situations, when ordinarily these thoughts and words and actions would just come about with time. The whole thing may be fixed with some talking.
Talk to her about why what you did was right for you. Tell her you didn’t want to scare her off, and tell her you didn’t want to do something you couldn’t possibly mean yet. Listen to what she has to say. Hopefully she makes sense to you, and she appreciates your logic. If you can’t make her understand that you were just doing the most genuine thing you could, and if you decide it was just some dumb-ass cinematic encounter she was looking for, good riddance.
And that does it for V.D. 2009. Tomorrow: a non-relationship question. My range of expertise is broad.
I resent the implication that I am well-adjusted and/or satisfied with my life (har har), but really? We just ignore all this business at my house. We don't even acknowledge the day and I like it this way. The first year we were together I was all, "I'm not into Valentine's day, and we're both broke, so let's please not do anything," and he agreed. But then he got me a gift anyway! And it was a really nice gift! But then I felt awful because I didn't get him anything! Ugh!
Anyway. I'm totally going to hit the SuperStore for cheap chocolate on Sunday. Hooray! And Sorry Mom is the best ever.
Mary’s got some good sense.
Know what I did for Valentine’s Day? I shaved my legs. My live-in brought me a Kit-Kat when he got off work, because I called him and asked him to bring me one. We made bacon and eggs, had a bath, and then went to bed at 8 p.m. with a bottle of red wine. Verdict: Best V-Day of all time.
Sidenote: What is with the whole, somebody getting you something for Valentine’s day, or whatever other holiday, after you’ve both agreed to not make a big deal about it? It’s O.K., as long as he or she is like Mary's S.O. and not expecting you to surprise them, too, I guess.
Some people have gotten into real trouble believing Valentine’s Day was not going to be an issue to find their partner was expecting some kind of jewelry commercial-esque plot twist.
Exhibit A:
i made the mistake of starting something casual with a girl in late january. we were each other’s dates to a few rock shows, we had a few “slumber-parties.” i don’t know if i thought i was having a fling, but i wasn’t thinking too hard about it. i just thought we were having fun and seeing where it would go. i didn’t want to do something too big for valentine’s in case it scared her off, because we aren’t all that mush, and really we’ve only been seeing each other a few weeks, and i wouldve felt like an insincere knob. i gave her a little spiderman valentine from my nephew’s set, dropped it in her mailbox because we hadn’t made plans to see each other and i figured she’d be busy. cute, right? i guess not! she called me all, ‘wtf is this shit?’ she wanted me to come over uninvited to ‘surprise’ her (even though that’s what she was expecting? surprise? wtf, right?), and she’s pretty pissed because of what her roommates got from their boyfriends and because she stayed home by herself while they were all out doing something. now i don’t know what kind of shape we’re in. i don’t know if she hates me, i don’t know if i’m supposed to make it up to her, i don’t even know if i want to do that because if i wasn’t sure how i felt about her before i’m def not sure now. and i wonder if we’d be in this shape if only valentines hadn’t happened a few weeks after we started seeing each other. what the hell do i do now?
A kids' Spiderman valentine? That IS pretty cute, and pretty safe, and it looks like this situation called for safe. A few weeks is rarely enough time to know well enough how you feel about someone in order to make crazy declarations. You know, an insincere knob is a dangerous thing to be. People in love with being in love are just the freaking worst. Their relationships have nothing to do with the other party. They just get off on making grand gestures for other people to see –- they’re not having fun with just the person they're with, they have to have everybody else watching -- and its too bad those grand gestures fool unwitting girls and boys into believing they’re onto the real thing with someone.
This girl may in fact watch too many movies, if she doesn’t see the danger of a person who is too lovey too fast. It’s not like you did nothing, which, even given my own relaxed attitude about the 14th, I don't recommend when you're very early into a thing with somebody, unless you make sure there's nothing expected. Because there are varying stances on this stuff, you don't know if you risk hurting somebody's feelings.
Maybe you should have talked to her instead of coming up with your own solution (though I think it was pretty good). In the same breath, what about her? What did she get you for Valentine's Day? It does kind of suck that she didn't have a good night sitting at home while her roomies went out, but she could have suggested you come over or that you do something.
Maybe things would have played out differently if you had gotten together at a different time in the year. It might be telling about her character and maturity that she’s had this reaction. Maybe it’s lucky you got Valentine’s Day out of the way early, because now you’ve seen this side of her. Like I said on Friday, Valentine’s Day doesn’t really create problems, but it can identify them. In relationships, in situations, in people.
But on Valentine's Day sometimes people put pressure on themselves and their partners, crushes, what have you, to make conclusions and statements about their romantic situations, when ordinarily these thoughts and words and actions would just come about with time. The whole thing may be fixed with some talking.
Talk to her about why what you did was right for you. Tell her you didn’t want to scare her off, and tell her you didn’t want to do something you couldn’t possibly mean yet. Listen to what she has to say. Hopefully she makes sense to you, and she appreciates your logic. If you can’t make her understand that you were just doing the most genuine thing you could, and if you decide it was just some dumb-ass cinematic encounter she was looking for, good riddance.
And that does it for V.D. 2009. Tomorrow: a non-relationship question. My range of expertise is broad.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Reunited? Will it feel so good?
I broek up with my boyfriend and we've decided to become friends with the intention of dating again soon. When we're together, it's the most beautiful thing ever. When we're apart I see all kind of flaws and problems. Lately he's been giving me the impression that he might not want to date again and that I'm a tramp, yet continues to tell me he loves me and wants to be with me forever. Should I wait for him or move on?
I wonder why you first broke up. I wonder what you could tell me about what’s good about him (without identifying him). I wonder what kind of problems you perceive in him or your dynamic once you get some distance between you. I wonder what he does or says that gives you the impression that he’s going to back out and that he might think you’re a tramp. I wonder what ‘tramp’ means in this context, because people have, you know, varying ideas about it. I remember when it meant boxcar-travelin' hobo, for example. What’s ‘trampy’ to this guy? It could be anything from being too homeless or liking trains a lot to paying lots of attention to other people (but technically, you’re not together, right?) or being intimate with strangers for money or favours. But I can gather that whatever it is to him, it’s negative. What could you be doing to lead anybody who says he loves you and wants to be with you forever to give the occasional impression he sees you as a ‘tramp’ in the non-vagrant sense? Is he being fair?
I guess what I’m leading up to here is a big fat “I could be wrong.” No offense, I get the need to protect your identity and that of your boyfriend, but I’m kind of forced to make some assumptions here.
It could be very positive that you have this history with each other, having dated once before and then managing to be friends after your breakup. Being friends after is really hard, you guys, and when it happens it’s either a matter of huge strength of character on the part of one or both of you, or a lasting (sometimes completely platonic, but also sometimes possibly WILDLY ROMANTIC) connection. And, you know, I’ve heard lots of stories about my parents and my friends’ parents breaking up and then getting back together and everything working out in the end. Having a breakup in your mutual past can kind of strengthen your relationship’s cred, right? Yeah!
But it could also set a precedent, making you one of those annoying couples who are always on again, off again. There are lots of reasons that vicious cycles like those get their beginnings. Maybe one or both parties of the couple are afraid of change and tend to slip back into unsatisfying arrangements and destructive patterns of behaviour because they’re comfortable, and the old situation feels a lot like ‘the most beautiful thing ever’ in contrast to being alone. Maybe one doesn’t want to be single while the other one finds someone else. Maybe one is afraid that the other won’t be happy without them – or, as I’ve also seen in the past, one does not want to be responsible for making the other one unhappy, and that’s a deceptively selfish motivation, right there. Maybe a person doesn’t want to make the other person feel sad and lonely, but mainly because that will make the first person feel guilty and the first person doesn’t want to feel guilty.
Let me reiterate: annoying. On-and-off is super annoying, especially when it’s also up-and-down. Some people think they’re just having a fiery love affair and they fight and break up and make up so often because their love is just so volatile and spicy and other adjectives also related to indigestion. I’ve lived downstairs from enough couples who throw T.V.s out their windows to know that this makes me want to puke. At the end of the day, people should not be taking too much pleasure in how dramatic they can get with a partner. It’s toxic, it’s bad for your soul, and I need my rest, so please move to opposite ends of the earth. Or just, away from me. I’m trying to write some advice here. For crying out loud.
I digress a little. Love does not run hot and cold, not at this stage. Of course, people in committed long term relationships don’t always feel super in love with each other, but this is not the best foot on which to start or even resume a relationship. It would be different if you were married people on a trial separation, where you’re apart and there’s considerably more pressure to patch things up. I get the feeling that this is not do-or-die.
That you sometimes change your mind about him when you get some perspective does not necessarily mean you can’t love this person, but it could very well mean that you’re not in love with him at this time in your life. Does this mean you shouldn’t get back together? It depends on what you want for yourself right now. I also don’t know how old you are, so I don't have an indication of whether you’re concerned about a potentially inconsequential relationship getting in the way of a potentially really important one that may be on the way. Your involvement with this guy may be scaring off someone really hot and fascinating.
That he’s kind of inconsistent with you is actually alarming to me, though. If he’s capable of giving you these negative signals, and especially if he is actually in his own mind feeling this negativity towards you sometimes, maybe it's irresponsible for him to be making declarations of undying love to you. He might be a little immature.
So, I guess, in summary: There’s the breaking up couple that can’t stay away from each other, and there’s the breaking up couple that can’t get away from each other, and you don’t want to be the latter. If you’re willing to entertain the possibility of moving on, there’s nothing wrong with that, and you should probably do it.javascript:void(0)
I wonder why you first broke up. I wonder what you could tell me about what’s good about him (without identifying him). I wonder what kind of problems you perceive in him or your dynamic once you get some distance between you. I wonder what he does or says that gives you the impression that he’s going to back out and that he might think you’re a tramp. I wonder what ‘tramp’ means in this context, because people have, you know, varying ideas about it. I remember when it meant boxcar-travelin' hobo, for example. What’s ‘trampy’ to this guy? It could be anything from being too homeless or liking trains a lot to paying lots of attention to other people (but technically, you’re not together, right?) or being intimate with strangers for money or favours. But I can gather that whatever it is to him, it’s negative. What could you be doing to lead anybody who says he loves you and wants to be with you forever to give the occasional impression he sees you as a ‘tramp’ in the non-vagrant sense? Is he being fair?
I guess what I’m leading up to here is a big fat “I could be wrong.” No offense, I get the need to protect your identity and that of your boyfriend, but I’m kind of forced to make some assumptions here.
It could be very positive that you have this history with each other, having dated once before and then managing to be friends after your breakup. Being friends after is really hard, you guys, and when it happens it’s either a matter of huge strength of character on the part of one or both of you, or a lasting (sometimes completely platonic, but also sometimes possibly WILDLY ROMANTIC) connection. And, you know, I’ve heard lots of stories about my parents and my friends’ parents breaking up and then getting back together and everything working out in the end. Having a breakup in your mutual past can kind of strengthen your relationship’s cred, right? Yeah!
But it could also set a precedent, making you one of those annoying couples who are always on again, off again. There are lots of reasons that vicious cycles like those get their beginnings. Maybe one or both parties of the couple are afraid of change and tend to slip back into unsatisfying arrangements and destructive patterns of behaviour because they’re comfortable, and the old situation feels a lot like ‘the most beautiful thing ever’ in contrast to being alone. Maybe one doesn’t want to be single while the other one finds someone else. Maybe one is afraid that the other won’t be happy without them – or, as I’ve also seen in the past, one does not want to be responsible for making the other one unhappy, and that’s a deceptively selfish motivation, right there. Maybe a person doesn’t want to make the other person feel sad and lonely, but mainly because that will make the first person feel guilty and the first person doesn’t want to feel guilty.
Let me reiterate: annoying. On-and-off is super annoying, especially when it’s also up-and-down. Some people think they’re just having a fiery love affair and they fight and break up and make up so often because their love is just so volatile and spicy and other adjectives also related to indigestion. I’ve lived downstairs from enough couples who throw T.V.s out their windows to know that this makes me want to puke. At the end of the day, people should not be taking too much pleasure in how dramatic they can get with a partner. It’s toxic, it’s bad for your soul, and I need my rest, so please move to opposite ends of the earth. Or just, away from me. I’m trying to write some advice here. For crying out loud.
I digress a little. Love does not run hot and cold, not at this stage. Of course, people in committed long term relationships don’t always feel super in love with each other, but this is not the best foot on which to start or even resume a relationship. It would be different if you were married people on a trial separation, where you’re apart and there’s considerably more pressure to patch things up. I get the feeling that this is not do-or-die.
That you sometimes change your mind about him when you get some perspective does not necessarily mean you can’t love this person, but it could very well mean that you’re not in love with him at this time in your life. Does this mean you shouldn’t get back together? It depends on what you want for yourself right now. I also don’t know how old you are, so I don't have an indication of whether you’re concerned about a potentially inconsequential relationship getting in the way of a potentially really important one that may be on the way. Your involvement with this guy may be scaring off someone really hot and fascinating.
That he’s kind of inconsistent with you is actually alarming to me, though. If he’s capable of giving you these negative signals, and especially if he is actually in his own mind feeling this negativity towards you sometimes, maybe it's irresponsible for him to be making declarations of undying love to you. He might be a little immature.
So, I guess, in summary: There’s the breaking up couple that can’t stay away from each other, and there’s the breaking up couple that can’t get away from each other, and you don’t want to be the latter. If you’re willing to entertain the possibility of moving on, there’s nothing wrong with that, and you should probably do it.javascript:void(0)
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