I have a friend who's always giving me backhanded insults. The only way I've been able to deal with it is to dish it back to him. He doesn't seem to care either way - nothing I say appears to bother him (huuuuge ego) - but it's really bothering me. I find myself fuming afterwards at the hurtful and jerky things he's said. He's even dissed my dog, and my husband's cooking! Jeez. But look what I've done now - you probably think I just hate the guy. You're probably wondering why we're even friends. Well, we hang out a lot, and most of the time it's tolerable. In fact, most of the time he's pretty fun to be with and makes me laugh. Should I just chill? Am I over-reacting? Should I throw my mid-morning oatmeal and raisins at him next time he bothers me?
How many of my answers have opened with the word 'ugh'? I'm not sure, but here's another one: ugh.
That type of behaviour can be hurtful, rage inducing, but also annoying, and, dare I say it? Yes. Embarrassing. My 'ugh' is the ugh uttered when you see a serious misstep committed in earnest cluelessness. Don't waste your breakfast: I suspect your friend snarks just because he doesn't know what else to do. He may even act this way because he's afraid you won't like him if he doesn't.
Some of us don't realize that it actually doesn't take a lot of cleverness to make fun of people; it is, in fact, easier than being kind, especially if you are particularly afraid of rejection. It doesn't require you to go out on a limb, like sincere expressions of admiration can. It's a classic mode of manipulation by the insecure: if you're afraid of being rejected by people, you can try to create a situation where they feel in danger of being rejected by you, and, as a result, they come to believe that they like and admire you. Your comment on his 'huuuuge ego' fits in with this profile nicely.
Whether this is true of him or not, he's let his friendship with you fall into an unimaginative rut. We've all fallen into bad ruts with friends before, right? Maybe every time you get together with someone in particular you tend to gossip, or eat too much, or get drunk and yell things, or have long and deliciously affected discussions on politics or sex, or, hey, insult each other. Kind of bad things, but nice things to be able to indulge in with someone you like and respect every now and then, right? Sooner or later, though, maybe it just feels like what you do with that person, and maybe you don't really know how to feel comfortable enough to start doing anything else with them, especially if you didn't know each other all that well before you got into your routine, and you just keep following the formula you believe your friendship runs on.
Or maybe you're O.K. with changing things up in the friendship, and it's the other party who doesn't really know what to do, and maybe you end up feeling gross after a glut of the same old indulgent behaviour, and you come to associate the feeling with the other person, and you begin to think: 'this person is a problem in my life.'
Anyway, that would explain why it doesn't bother him when you come back at him with another insult -- it could be just what he expects, and even wants?
What do you do? This may sound a little parent-child, but show him the right way to act. Compliment him? Do nice things for him for no reason, if you don't already? And, don't be afraid to get visibly annoyed with him when he's being... visibly annoying. How do you, personally, act when somebody has just embarrassed themselves and doesn't yet realize it, and you are torn between wanting to smack them, and wanting to throw a blanket around them and protect them from humiliation? Act that way. Break the pattern, and show him that your friendship is not a one-trick pony; a sarcastic, dead-pan, potentially self-loathing, one-trick pony.
Anyone else? Thoughts? Comments? I'm wide open.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Biting the hand that feeds your boyfriend
The letter about the mother-in-law got me thinking about my own boyfriends' mom. He's kind of had some false-starts, professionally and financially-speaking, and so he's in some debt in his early 20s. His parents are well-off financially, and his Mom sees nothing wrong with handing him a few hundred every couple of months. She even took it upon herself to order us some furniture (we live together, but we're nowhere near being engaged it's really more for convenience and money-saving), without really asking what we would like, and is always buying him plane tickets for him to go see them in the States. I think her hearts is in the right place, but I kind of resent the meddling in our lives, and I don't like the way it looks when his mother is giving him money... it's hard for me to respect him, and I feel like it's not going to help him get out of debt to have somebody there to just catch him when he falls. What can I do about this?
The idea that it's wrong to let your parents do things for you comes from an immature understanding of what maturity is. Yeah, adults take care of themselves, but they also possess a good degree of sensitivity and tend to understand their adult relationships with their parents and how they change and the rate at which they should change. If you respond to a few bucks for groceries from your little Mommy, when you actually need it, with something like, “Thanks but no thanks,” you're actually depriving your mother who worries about you the good feeling she gets from knowing you're a little better taken care of for the time being, and for what? The sake of feeling a little better about yourself? Actual grown-ups don't have to put on airs about being grown-ups.
It is a little unsexy to see somebody sponging off of his or her parents into adulthood, but that is not what you've said is going on here. You said he's had a few false-starts. You've said it's a couple hundred, and I know personally that a few hundred in today's economy is just a drop in the bucket. You make it sound like he's trying, and I think, personally, that suffering is a little overrated -- see the above paragraph on immature ideas about maturity; it's a little silly of you to require this guy to struggle for your respect. And the plane tickets? Life is too short to not be with your family as much as you can, if you're lucky enough to have a family you want to be near.
You're making a mistake by believing that what this man's mother does for him should have anything to do with you at this stage, let alone by being personally offended by the whole thing. Is it that you think she's rubbing it in your face that you are not in a position to give him the things that she can? Are you feeling a little insecure because your parents don't do the same for you?
Either way, I think you're being too judgmental. This is one of those subjective things -- if you're not comfortable with that, if it's not the way you want to live your life, that's alright, but you really can't expect everyone else to live by the same rules. Think about it, and if it really has to be a problem for you, move along.
Next week: Somebody is at a loss as to how to handle a friend who doesn't know how to do anything but criticize.
The idea that it's wrong to let your parents do things for you comes from an immature understanding of what maturity is. Yeah, adults take care of themselves, but they also possess a good degree of sensitivity and tend to understand their adult relationships with their parents and how they change and the rate at which they should change. If you respond to a few bucks for groceries from your little Mommy, when you actually need it, with something like, “Thanks but no thanks,” you're actually depriving your mother who worries about you the good feeling she gets from knowing you're a little better taken care of for the time being, and for what? The sake of feeling a little better about yourself? Actual grown-ups don't have to put on airs about being grown-ups.
It is a little unsexy to see somebody sponging off of his or her parents into adulthood, but that is not what you've said is going on here. You said he's had a few false-starts. You've said it's a couple hundred, and I know personally that a few hundred in today's economy is just a drop in the bucket. You make it sound like he's trying, and I think, personally, that suffering is a little overrated -- see the above paragraph on immature ideas about maturity; it's a little silly of you to require this guy to struggle for your respect. And the plane tickets? Life is too short to not be with your family as much as you can, if you're lucky enough to have a family you want to be near.
You're making a mistake by believing that what this man's mother does for him should have anything to do with you at this stage, let alone by being personally offended by the whole thing. Is it that you think she's rubbing it in your face that you are not in a position to give him the things that she can? Are you feeling a little insecure because your parents don't do the same for you?
Either way, I think you're being too judgmental. This is one of those subjective things -- if you're not comfortable with that, if it's not the way you want to live your life, that's alright, but you really can't expect everyone else to live by the same rules. Think about it, and if it really has to be a problem for you, move along.
Next week: Somebody is at a loss as to how to handle a friend who doesn't know how to do anything but criticize.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Happy (late) Mother's Day.
So, my friend K chimed in on last week's letter, from the "crippled, female undertaker":
When my work was dicking me around I finally made a threat about checking what the labor board thought about the way they were treating me. They suddenly were more then happy to accomodate.
Might be worth a shot.
Good on you, K! You are to be commended, and I completely forgot about the labour board. I'm not sure what province the undertaker is dealing with, but seriously just google "labour board" and you'll find lots of useful information.
And now, on to this week's letter:
i'm engaged, and i hate the way my future mother in law acts towards me. she's newly divorced and seems to think that if her marriage failed, ours will too. i really think she thinks it's ridiculous that her son would want to be with me when her husband didn't want to be with her, and that she equates me with the woman her husband left her for. she acts like a spoiled child whenever discussion turns to our wedding and our plans for him to move out of her house and into my house (which is happening in the next few months). if we go on a walk somewhere, she ditches us and we find her weeping softly to herself later, miserable that *we* walked off and "forgot about her." she gives me backhanded compliments and passive-aggressively criticizes everything i do, especially for him. my fiance and i have not even talked about this because i am completely at a loss for words as how to explain my feelings to a person who is there and should already be noticing. her behaviour is actually shocking to me and the whole situation seems so obvious it actually kind of hurts me that he hasn't already done something to smooth things over. where do i go from here?
In marrying or just choosing a woman to be with in the long term, a man is on some level choosing her over his mother. Sorry, Mom. That is natural and appropriate, because your spouse is supposed to be your number one.
Of course, you don't ignore your children or allow them to otherwise suffer in favour of pleasing a mate -- which is why you leave a husband or wife who is abusing your children -- but you are not to place your children above your spouse because they are not supposed to stick with you for life.
For similar reasons, children cannot and should not be expected to side with a parent over a partner. It sucks that her life has played out the way it has (and hey, maybe he left her because he was tired of playing second-fiddle to his kids and feeling like a big piece of shit for being rightfully discontent with that) but it's not up to her son to fill the void a partner is supposed to, especially not now that he's got you.
You couldn't blame the woman for speaking up if she believed you were actually mistreating her son, or depriving her of a relationship with him (more on that later) but if your mother-in-law had any sense of the appropriate, she would not be making such a damn nuisance of herself by effectively demanding that he choose her over you.
Above and beyond that, I guess it *would* be really dumb to let an important relationship die just because of some dumb bitch.
But, two things.
1) You have to remember that this actually isn't just any dumb bitch. I've said it before, but, you know, if I could only give one piece of relationship advice to straight women for the rest of my life, it would be: Don't ever underestimate the role of Mom.
She is actually always important. Obvious: If a guy loves his Mom, like he should, it would be in your best interest for her to be able to stand you because he's going to want to leave some room in his life for her, and you don't want any unnecessary unpleasantness for him or for you or anybody. However, if a man is in any way disrespectful towards his mother -- and that can be as low-key as secretly thinking she's an idiot or just ignoring her -- it is in fact an indication of the way he will treat or regard you.
So, you definitely want to talk about this to him, but you want to be very careful of what you say, and that you don't ask for things he's incapable of granting, and that you don't ask for things that only sound like you would want them, like for her to be unimportant to him.
He can't choose his mother over his fiance. He shouldn't be made to choose his fiance over his mother. He should be able to choose both.
Therefore, above and beyond any results that come of this talking business, consider this: for the sake of your relationship, can you not hate her, tolerate her, refrain from injuring her, despite her faults and apparent dislike for you, for having carried him, given birth to him, and helping to shape him into the person that you fell in love with? Can you just swallow your pride and ignore her? A good first start would be to ease up on analyzing her too much. Sometimes it's disrespectful to walk around feeling like you have a person pegged. It's apparent you feel somewhat superior to her. And, the fact that the situation and its ins and outs and causes and effects seem so obvious to you is likely testimony to how much you dwell on this. You'll make yourself (and likely people around you) nuts if you go too far, and a key to not being so bothered is... not bothering, if that makes sense.
If not... if you really can't...
2) ... If his mom really is a dumb bitch, and he doesn't handle it well and is not prepared to try to handle it well -- he's blind to her craziness and/or he's not willing to make her understand that she has got to show you some respect -- and this is insurmountable for you (it would be for most, I think), then that leaves the question of whether your relationship is actually that important to you, and there is no shame in thinking critically about this.
Even though you're already engaged and if the wedding doesn't happen people will be disappointed and blah blah blah. If the thought of being with him forever isn't enough to make you not want to barf at the prospect of a lifetime of forced politeness in the face of backhanded compliments, that is actually ok. It just means you shouldn't marry him. You can't be faulted for dumping a guy because of the way his Mom treats you, because if you can deprive yourself of him for this reason, you simply don't love him (enough?), and that is not your fault.
When my work was dicking me around I finally made a threat about checking what the labor board thought about the way they were treating me. They suddenly were more then happy to accomodate.
Might be worth a shot.
Good on you, K! You are to be commended, and I completely forgot about the labour board. I'm not sure what province the undertaker is dealing with, but seriously just google "labour board" and you'll find lots of useful information.
And now, on to this week's letter:
i'm engaged, and i hate the way my future mother in law acts towards me. she's newly divorced and seems to think that if her marriage failed, ours will too. i really think she thinks it's ridiculous that her son would want to be with me when her husband didn't want to be with her, and that she equates me with the woman her husband left her for. she acts like a spoiled child whenever discussion turns to our wedding and our plans for him to move out of her house and into my house (which is happening in the next few months). if we go on a walk somewhere, she ditches us and we find her weeping softly to herself later, miserable that *we* walked off and "forgot about her." she gives me backhanded compliments and passive-aggressively criticizes everything i do, especially for him. my fiance and i have not even talked about this because i am completely at a loss for words as how to explain my feelings to a person who is there and should already be noticing. her behaviour is actually shocking to me and the whole situation seems so obvious it actually kind of hurts me that he hasn't already done something to smooth things over. where do i go from here?
In marrying or just choosing a woman to be with in the long term, a man is on some level choosing her over his mother. Sorry, Mom. That is natural and appropriate, because your spouse is supposed to be your number one.
Of course, you don't ignore your children or allow them to otherwise suffer in favour of pleasing a mate -- which is why you leave a husband or wife who is abusing your children -- but you are not to place your children above your spouse because they are not supposed to stick with you for life.
For similar reasons, children cannot and should not be expected to side with a parent over a partner. It sucks that her life has played out the way it has (and hey, maybe he left her because he was tired of playing second-fiddle to his kids and feeling like a big piece of shit for being rightfully discontent with that) but it's not up to her son to fill the void a partner is supposed to, especially not now that he's got you.
You couldn't blame the woman for speaking up if she believed you were actually mistreating her son, or depriving her of a relationship with him (more on that later) but if your mother-in-law had any sense of the appropriate, she would not be making such a damn nuisance of herself by effectively demanding that he choose her over you.
Above and beyond that, I guess it *would* be really dumb to let an important relationship die just because of some dumb bitch.
But, two things.
1) You have to remember that this actually isn't just any dumb bitch. I've said it before, but, you know, if I could only give one piece of relationship advice to straight women for the rest of my life, it would be: Don't ever underestimate the role of Mom.
She is actually always important. Obvious: If a guy loves his Mom, like he should, it would be in your best interest for her to be able to stand you because he's going to want to leave some room in his life for her, and you don't want any unnecessary unpleasantness for him or for you or anybody. However, if a man is in any way disrespectful towards his mother -- and that can be as low-key as secretly thinking she's an idiot or just ignoring her -- it is in fact an indication of the way he will treat or regard you.
So, you definitely want to talk about this to him, but you want to be very careful of what you say, and that you don't ask for things he's incapable of granting, and that you don't ask for things that only sound like you would want them, like for her to be unimportant to him.
He can't choose his mother over his fiance. He shouldn't be made to choose his fiance over his mother. He should be able to choose both.
Therefore, above and beyond any results that come of this talking business, consider this: for the sake of your relationship, can you not hate her, tolerate her, refrain from injuring her, despite her faults and apparent dislike for you, for having carried him, given birth to him, and helping to shape him into the person that you fell in love with? Can you just swallow your pride and ignore her? A good first start would be to ease up on analyzing her too much. Sometimes it's disrespectful to walk around feeling like you have a person pegged. It's apparent you feel somewhat superior to her. And, the fact that the situation and its ins and outs and causes and effects seem so obvious to you is likely testimony to how much you dwell on this. You'll make yourself (and likely people around you) nuts if you go too far, and a key to not being so bothered is... not bothering, if that makes sense.
If not... if you really can't...
2) ... If his mom really is a dumb bitch, and he doesn't handle it well and is not prepared to try to handle it well -- he's blind to her craziness and/or he's not willing to make her understand that she has got to show you some respect -- and this is insurmountable for you (it would be for most, I think), then that leaves the question of whether your relationship is actually that important to you, and there is no shame in thinking critically about this.
Even though you're already engaged and if the wedding doesn't happen people will be disappointed and blah blah blah. If the thought of being with him forever isn't enough to make you not want to barf at the prospect of a lifetime of forced politeness in the face of backhanded compliments, that is actually ok. It just means you shouldn't marry him. You can't be faulted for dumping a guy because of the way his Mom treats you, because if you can deprive yourself of him for this reason, you simply don't love him (enough?), and that is not your fault.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Female frustration at the funeral home.
The woes of a crippled, female undertaker:
For the past 3 years, I've dedicated my life to a career that has yet to accept women, and persons with disabilities on a grand scale. That is not to say that ladies and the disabled can never find work in this field, but it's certainly more difficult, due to the nature and expectations of the job, and the fact that most businesses are small and family owned. Personally, I like to blame it on the old man dinosaurs that dominate the industry.
The first job I had in this field was at a small, family owned business. Looking back, remembering the eyes of doubt when I walked into the interview, I'm sure I was hired on a combination of desperation for help, and pity. I was even told that no matter where I went afterwards I would have to work very hard to prove myself, as most businesses of this nature don't exactly love to hire skinny women. While I appreciated the honesty, It's really left a cloud of inadequacy looming over my head ever since. I put my whole self into it, and proved that I am not only an excellent worker, but I'm very good at what I do. I also became good friends with my boss, which eventually got me my second job...
My second job was at a large, busy, corporately owned funeral home. I was practically handed the job, but when they found out I had a permanent physical disability they tried to let me go before I even started. I fought my way in, and turned out to be one of the best workers there, in spite of having a vagina, being thin, and having metal rods in my back. I also surprised myself and others in the amount of weight I could move around for my size. I've received countless compliments on my work by both coworkers and the families we serve. Despite this, I also still receive lots of criticism for not being able to lift as much as the men, and am subject to snide remarks and the evil eye if I'm having a bad day and am just unable to lift anything due to back pain (which happens surprisingly infrequently, say, 2 days a month).
Here's my dilemma. In 3 months, I am eligible to take my exam for both my funeral director and embalming licenses. At that point, my contract at my current job ends. I am being encouraged by management to find another job, saying there are no positions available for me after my contract is up. However, it's obvious to me, and my coworkers that there will be at least 2 positions available when my contract is finished.
The lower half of the management knows that I am one of the best workers they have, but the upper half, who obviously call the shots, are less willing to budge. That being said, I do plan on talking with the owner, and reapplying, because they know as well as i do that finding good employees in this industry is impossible at best. They keep trying to hire young men, which for the most part disappoint them due to poor work ethic, entitlement issues and overall laziness. But it doesn't seem to change the fact that they seem like they would rather replace me with a succession of about a dozen tough looking lazy 20-something year old dudes who have no interest or dedication to the work we do. They've even gone as far as approaching random guys in various customer service roles, offering them a salary, and offering to pay for them to go to school so they could have them to work with. It's flopped every time.
I'm starting to become disillusioned. If the company I work for knows how great I am at my job and won't renew my contract, how will I ever convince anyone else that I'm worthy of a job despite my obvious setbacks? There's also the problem that NOWHERE in Canada is hiring. A couple places in Toronto are hiring, but alas, my license is not transferable to Ontario. I was already rejected by a place in Calgary because my experience was one year short of what they wanted. Things may open up in the next couple months, but so far the job possibilities are an absolute zero. It's a difficult industry to get back into if you leave, so I don't really want to do something else for a couple years while I wait for a new job to open up, but I'm really not horny over relocating to the other side of the country either. I really need some advice!
Maybe it's only logical to accept what we can easily see -- in this case, that you're a frail-looking, disabled woman -- but it seems silly that we'll let what we can see speak to us so loudly regardless of what we can know -- in this case, that you're a dedicated, hard-working and competent employee. Here's something that fills me with rage: why is it that the people who know better are often not wont to speak up when something not fair is going on? Your lower-level managers can vouch for you, so why the Hell don't they? This isn't the damn industrial revolution. Nobody's going to get a belt lash.
Anyway, forgive a cliche, but while you can't judge a book by its cover, it doesn't change the fact that few people have time to sit down and read. While we all can agree (maybe for appearance's sake) that appearances can be deceiving, it's an unspoken fact that appearances are important, and especially at work. Dress... hair-colour... last I checked you actually can't even work at Starbucks if you've got a certain amount of metal in your face. We can say it's not fair on some level, but what are many of us going to do about it, if employers are private businesses and criteria for employment is ultimately -- and at times arbitrarily -- determined by them?
In your case, it depends on what you can do with this phrase, courtesy of the Canadian Human Rights Commission: “Duty to Accommodate.” I'm not a lawyer or even all that knowledgeable in the field of human rights -- my sense of right and wrong is mostly intuitive -- so my understanding of the term is only so complete.
But, if you were hired by a company, and they knowingly entertained your employment while you had a pre-existing condition, and they can demonstrate no proof that it made you particularly bad at your job, there is a good chance said company cannot let your disability be a factor in whether your contract is renewed, or whether you should be considered for another, future position with them.
Maybe your employer is aware of this, and maybe that's why they're telling you there will just be no work, but if it turns out there actually will be work, well, geez. They probably kind of have to prove any reasons they'd have for not keeping you around, even if your contract is up.
That is, if you took action. Maybe it would be as simple as pointing it out to them that you know this stuff, in the event you re-applied and they did something as stupid as hire somebody else for a job you could perform. But just in case they're not eager to be decent human damn beings... because I suspect you do not belong to a union, and because it sounds like you work for a bigger chain and those tend to have pretty good lawyers, the previously mentioned Canadian Human Rights Commission would be your best bet for help. And even if you don't choose to make a big deal over your current situation (which I would understand, though the idealist in me hopes you would try what you could), or if the whole thing unfolds in a way that makes it impossible or unnecessary to act, it sounds like it would be a good idea for someone in your position to become familiar with your rights and your options in the likely event that you experience future discrimination in your field. So hit the CHRC up, starting with their overview on Duty to Accommodate.
Aside from that, and back to the often insurmountable issue of appearances, do you see a physical therapist? A personal trainer? How about a nutritionist? I understand that your condition would effect your ability to pump iron, and I don't doubt that you are more than cognizant of any limitations your back rods place on your body, and maybe I have way too much faith in treadmills, but I wonder what could be done (safely!) to make you appear more sturdy, at the very least? And, maybe even low-impact arm-beef-producing activity like yoga would have a nice side-effect of actually making you a little stronger and improving handy things like core balance (which reduces everybody's chances of shattering hips and tearing tendons and straining joints). It could even give you something to say to make you more attractive to prospective employers who would take issue with your disability, and you could back it up with the strides you've made so far in your career. “I'm in training, shithawks! Not only have I already exceeded everyone's expectations, my condition could improve! I'm trying to do something about my situation! That's dedication and being proactive, bitches! Suck it! YOUHAVE2HIREME.” Or perhaps something more diplomatic.
For the past 3 years, I've dedicated my life to a career that has yet to accept women, and persons with disabilities on a grand scale. That is not to say that ladies and the disabled can never find work in this field, but it's certainly more difficult, due to the nature and expectations of the job, and the fact that most businesses are small and family owned. Personally, I like to blame it on the old man dinosaurs that dominate the industry.
The first job I had in this field was at a small, family owned business. Looking back, remembering the eyes of doubt when I walked into the interview, I'm sure I was hired on a combination of desperation for help, and pity. I was even told that no matter where I went afterwards I would have to work very hard to prove myself, as most businesses of this nature don't exactly love to hire skinny women. While I appreciated the honesty, It's really left a cloud of inadequacy looming over my head ever since. I put my whole self into it, and proved that I am not only an excellent worker, but I'm very good at what I do. I also became good friends with my boss, which eventually got me my second job...
My second job was at a large, busy, corporately owned funeral home. I was practically handed the job, but when they found out I had a permanent physical disability they tried to let me go before I even started. I fought my way in, and turned out to be one of the best workers there, in spite of having a vagina, being thin, and having metal rods in my back. I also surprised myself and others in the amount of weight I could move around for my size. I've received countless compliments on my work by both coworkers and the families we serve. Despite this, I also still receive lots of criticism for not being able to lift as much as the men, and am subject to snide remarks and the evil eye if I'm having a bad day and am just unable to lift anything due to back pain (which happens surprisingly infrequently, say, 2 days a month).
Here's my dilemma. In 3 months, I am eligible to take my exam for both my funeral director and embalming licenses. At that point, my contract at my current job ends. I am being encouraged by management to find another job, saying there are no positions available for me after my contract is up. However, it's obvious to me, and my coworkers that there will be at least 2 positions available when my contract is finished.
The lower half of the management knows that I am one of the best workers they have, but the upper half, who obviously call the shots, are less willing to budge. That being said, I do plan on talking with the owner, and reapplying, because they know as well as i do that finding good employees in this industry is impossible at best. They keep trying to hire young men, which for the most part disappoint them due to poor work ethic, entitlement issues and overall laziness. But it doesn't seem to change the fact that they seem like they would rather replace me with a succession of about a dozen tough looking lazy 20-something year old dudes who have no interest or dedication to the work we do. They've even gone as far as approaching random guys in various customer service roles, offering them a salary, and offering to pay for them to go to school so they could have them to work with. It's flopped every time.
I'm starting to become disillusioned. If the company I work for knows how great I am at my job and won't renew my contract, how will I ever convince anyone else that I'm worthy of a job despite my obvious setbacks? There's also the problem that NOWHERE in Canada is hiring. A couple places in Toronto are hiring, but alas, my license is not transferable to Ontario. I was already rejected by a place in Calgary because my experience was one year short of what they wanted. Things may open up in the next couple months, but so far the job possibilities are an absolute zero. It's a difficult industry to get back into if you leave, so I don't really want to do something else for a couple years while I wait for a new job to open up, but I'm really not horny over relocating to the other side of the country either. I really need some advice!
Maybe it's only logical to accept what we can easily see -- in this case, that you're a frail-looking, disabled woman -- but it seems silly that we'll let what we can see speak to us so loudly regardless of what we can know -- in this case, that you're a dedicated, hard-working and competent employee. Here's something that fills me with rage: why is it that the people who know better are often not wont to speak up when something not fair is going on? Your lower-level managers can vouch for you, so why the Hell don't they? This isn't the damn industrial revolution. Nobody's going to get a belt lash.
Anyway, forgive a cliche, but while you can't judge a book by its cover, it doesn't change the fact that few people have time to sit down and read. While we all can agree (maybe for appearance's sake) that appearances can be deceiving, it's an unspoken fact that appearances are important, and especially at work. Dress... hair-colour... last I checked you actually can't even work at Starbucks if you've got a certain amount of metal in your face. We can say it's not fair on some level, but what are many of us going to do about it, if employers are private businesses and criteria for employment is ultimately -- and at times arbitrarily -- determined by them?
In your case, it depends on what you can do with this phrase, courtesy of the Canadian Human Rights Commission: “Duty to Accommodate.” I'm not a lawyer or even all that knowledgeable in the field of human rights -- my sense of right and wrong is mostly intuitive -- so my understanding of the term is only so complete.
But, if you were hired by a company, and they knowingly entertained your employment while you had a pre-existing condition, and they can demonstrate no proof that it made you particularly bad at your job, there is a good chance said company cannot let your disability be a factor in whether your contract is renewed, or whether you should be considered for another, future position with them.
Maybe your employer is aware of this, and maybe that's why they're telling you there will just be no work, but if it turns out there actually will be work, well, geez. They probably kind of have to prove any reasons they'd have for not keeping you around, even if your contract is up.
That is, if you took action. Maybe it would be as simple as pointing it out to them that you know this stuff, in the event you re-applied and they did something as stupid as hire somebody else for a job you could perform. But just in case they're not eager to be decent human damn beings... because I suspect you do not belong to a union, and because it sounds like you work for a bigger chain and those tend to have pretty good lawyers, the previously mentioned Canadian Human Rights Commission would be your best bet for help. And even if you don't choose to make a big deal over your current situation (which I would understand, though the idealist in me hopes you would try what you could), or if the whole thing unfolds in a way that makes it impossible or unnecessary to act, it sounds like it would be a good idea for someone in your position to become familiar with your rights and your options in the likely event that you experience future discrimination in your field. So hit the CHRC up, starting with their overview on Duty to Accommodate.
Aside from that, and back to the often insurmountable issue of appearances, do you see a physical therapist? A personal trainer? How about a nutritionist? I understand that your condition would effect your ability to pump iron, and I don't doubt that you are more than cognizant of any limitations your back rods place on your body, and maybe I have way too much faith in treadmills, but I wonder what could be done (safely!) to make you appear more sturdy, at the very least? And, maybe even low-impact arm-beef-producing activity like yoga would have a nice side-effect of actually making you a little stronger and improving handy things like core balance (which reduces everybody's chances of shattering hips and tearing tendons and straining joints). It could even give you something to say to make you more attractive to prospective employers who would take issue with your disability, and you could back it up with the strides you've made so far in your career. “I'm in training, shithawks! Not only have I already exceeded everyone's expectations, my condition could improve! I'm trying to do something about my situation! That's dedication and being proactive, bitches! Suck it! YOUHAVE2HIREME.” Or perhaps something more diplomatic.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
But enough about me, let's talk about you
After a hell of a damn April, full of papers and exams and stressing about money and new apartments, I'm beginning to settle into a nice, dumb summer routine, and it's occurring to me that I should maybe start replying to these letters again before they stop getting sent to me.
Here's a lightning round of the short and sweet ones to plunge me back into the swing of things. Bear in mind: I'm doing the best I can with the little given to me in these letters:
i'm got too friggin fat over the winter. how do i lose weight fast?
I don't know about fast, but here are some kind of easy things to try:
1) Eat at the correct times. Most importantly, eat BREAKFAST so you burn off calories as you go about your day and so you don't crave calories at times when they can't help your body (i.e. when you don't have a lot going on). NEVER eat a bunch and then go to bed, unless you're really drunk or something and you absolutely need it, because your metabolism slows way down while you sleep and all the food will just get converted into fat.
2) Don't consume too much caffeine. The following is a layman's explanation: it stresses your body out and makes it believe that this is the Stone Age and there's a famine coming so it starts turning most of the stuff you eat into cellulite.
3) Simple walking and climbing stairs will do more for you than you realize. Shun elevators and escalators and cabs and buses now that the weather is getting nice.
That should put a dent in your average lazy winter... softness.
I cheated on my girlfriend a long time ago. I told my mother one time when it was really bothering me. She's threatening to tell her herself if I don't. What do I do?
Ugh, morality rhetoric. Your Mom is threatening to do what sounds like it's the right thing, but she's probably out of line.
It would be different if it was still continuing and you had no intention of stopping, because somebody has got to look out for the unwitting party's best interest when the unconcerned party won't. I gather from your wording that you have hurt your clueless girlfriend, not that you are continuing to hurt her. If that is indeed the case, and the situation is as simple as you've presented it, it is not up to your Mom or anybody else to go over your heads and pull the strings on the puppet that is your relationship. It's completely on you whether you tell your girlfriend about what happened, and you tell Mom that.
You're in a better position to be a judge of whether you should tell her than I am, because I don't know that much about your particular situation. If guilt will consume you and ultimately sabotage your valuable relationship (I mean, you did break down and tell your Mom because the guilt got to be too much to handle): tell her. If you feel the fling really was inconsequential and the information will only harm a relationship that is otherwise in good shape: don't tell her. If there's a chance you gave her an STD: get tested and tell her. And so on!
Where are the men?
Not where you've been going, apparently. Spring is here, though! Try the park? Bar patios? Libraries, now that school is out? Har.
I'm a straight girl. I met a cool girl a few months ago, and sooner or later it came out she's a lesbian. That doesn't bother me, The thing is when we get drunk and party she is all over me. now it's starting to gross me out and I'm starting to avoid her. I don't want to tell any of our friends because I think they'll call me a homophobe. What can I do about this?
Sexual harassment is sexual harassment, little buddy. If you wouldn't take it off a straight guy, you should not take it off a gay girl (or whatever she identifies as). My views on this are more complicated than that, but maybe put it to her that way ('I like you Betsy, but not that way, and I actually don't like anybody groping me without my permission, thanks, so nothing personal'). If she pulls something like, 'if this makes you feel so uncomfortable maybe it's because you're not as straight as you think,' dropkick her out of your life because she's a goddamn sexual predator.
O.K.! Keep them coming, and don't be afraid to be long-winded.
Here's a lightning round of the short and sweet ones to plunge me back into the swing of things. Bear in mind: I'm doing the best I can with the little given to me in these letters:
i'm got too friggin fat over the winter. how do i lose weight fast?
I don't know about fast, but here are some kind of easy things to try:
1) Eat at the correct times. Most importantly, eat BREAKFAST so you burn off calories as you go about your day and so you don't crave calories at times when they can't help your body (i.e. when you don't have a lot going on). NEVER eat a bunch and then go to bed, unless you're really drunk or something and you absolutely need it, because your metabolism slows way down while you sleep and all the food will just get converted into fat.
2) Don't consume too much caffeine. The following is a layman's explanation: it stresses your body out and makes it believe that this is the Stone Age and there's a famine coming so it starts turning most of the stuff you eat into cellulite.
3) Simple walking and climbing stairs will do more for you than you realize. Shun elevators and escalators and cabs and buses now that the weather is getting nice.
That should put a dent in your average lazy winter... softness.
I cheated on my girlfriend a long time ago. I told my mother one time when it was really bothering me. She's threatening to tell her herself if I don't. What do I do?
Ugh, morality rhetoric. Your Mom is threatening to do what sounds like it's the right thing, but she's probably out of line.
It would be different if it was still continuing and you had no intention of stopping, because somebody has got to look out for the unwitting party's best interest when the unconcerned party won't. I gather from your wording that you have hurt your clueless girlfriend, not that you are continuing to hurt her. If that is indeed the case, and the situation is as simple as you've presented it, it is not up to your Mom or anybody else to go over your heads and pull the strings on the puppet that is your relationship. It's completely on you whether you tell your girlfriend about what happened, and you tell Mom that.
You're in a better position to be a judge of whether you should tell her than I am, because I don't know that much about your particular situation. If guilt will consume you and ultimately sabotage your valuable relationship (I mean, you did break down and tell your Mom because the guilt got to be too much to handle): tell her. If you feel the fling really was inconsequential and the information will only harm a relationship that is otherwise in good shape: don't tell her. If there's a chance you gave her an STD: get tested and tell her. And so on!
Where are the men?
Not where you've been going, apparently. Spring is here, though! Try the park? Bar patios? Libraries, now that school is out? Har.
I'm a straight girl. I met a cool girl a few months ago, and sooner or later it came out she's a lesbian. That doesn't bother me, The thing is when we get drunk and party she is all over me. now it's starting to gross me out and I'm starting to avoid her. I don't want to tell any of our friends because I think they'll call me a homophobe. What can I do about this?
Sexual harassment is sexual harassment, little buddy. If you wouldn't take it off a straight guy, you should not take it off a gay girl (or whatever she identifies as). My views on this are more complicated than that, but maybe put it to her that way ('I like you Betsy, but not that way, and I actually don't like anybody groping me without my permission, thanks, so nothing personal'). If she pulls something like, 'if this makes you feel so uncomfortable maybe it's because you're not as straight as you think,' dropkick her out of your life because she's a goddamn sexual predator.
O.K.! Keep them coming, and don't be afraid to be long-winded.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Flowers! Candy! Responsibilities!
In the last year or so, my wife has become very uninterested in sex. In the last six months we have had intercourse once and no additional play at all. I have tried both initiating and not initiating for a while and seeing if she would. I have been romantic, brought her flowers, made her dinner, bought great wine on valentines day and still nothing. When I try to initiate she either brushes it off as her being tired or "stop being silly, we have stuff to do". I am confident she loves me and is not being unfaithful, she is loving and attentive in every other aspect of our relationship.
I love her and I would never leave or be unfaithful but I am getting to the point where I almost want to stop trying to be sexual.
Thanks in advance.
No fair. Sorry to be unromantic, but: when you married this woman, I think she agreed to have regular sex with you for the rest of her natural life. Marriage is serious business and one thing we can lose sight of is the fact that she kind of owes you.
It's a little more complicated than that, of course. "No fair" will not change the fact that she doesn't seem to want to. Sex out of obligation is only attractive to a percentage of men and women. So:
Of the 142 words you've written here, “We have stuff to do,” speaks the most to me. At the risk of sounding like less the femme fatale you should all be assuming that I am: I have been where your wife now stands. And, at the risk of sounding like a generalization-making, self-loathing woman: a lot of us can't do sex when we feel like the rest of our world is in shambles. Does your wife have a stressful job? Is she fighting with family members? Do you have kids who wet the bed? Is the house a pig sty? Are you having money troubles? I'm pretty sure the recession is killing hornies all over the world right now, for example. If you can't identify any problems like these, maybe there's something on her mind that she's not telling you. Take stress and add secrets and you've got the perfect conditions for a nasty case of the frigidity.
I don't mean for you to become suspicious of her. A secret doesn't have to be sinister or sordid -- it could just be something embarrassing that has very little to do with you, for example.
What I do mean is for you to pay attention for the next little while to anything that could be getting her panties in a twist, in the bad way. Though it may sound somewhat unsexy, maybe instead of buying flowers and making dinner, you need to do the laundry or wash the dishes or do your taxes. Supplement any increased domestic-flavoured sensitivity with plenty of non-sexual affection, just so she understands that you're not putting pressure on her. Sometimes women remember how great sex is when it happens 'by mistake,' i.e., when they find themselves surprised to be wanting it.
If no room for improvement becomes apparent to you, strike up a conversation. Not, “why don't we have sex anymore?” Something more like, “is everything O.K., my sweet? Anything stressing you out?”
One of the few good habits I have is asking my loved ones every now and then, “so what's on your mind lately?” I do it regardless of whether I notice anything different about their mood or behaviour, because I'm really curious and I really enjoy talking and I'm especially curious about the fantastic people I've managed to surround myself with. I also know what can go on beyond the surface without anybody knowing. If you're married to this woman, you probably find her fascinating! Why not ask to hear all the weird things in her brain, whenever you want to, just because you can?
I love her and I would never leave or be unfaithful but I am getting to the point where I almost want to stop trying to be sexual.
Thanks in advance.
No fair. Sorry to be unromantic, but: when you married this woman, I think she agreed to have regular sex with you for the rest of her natural life. Marriage is serious business and one thing we can lose sight of is the fact that she kind of owes you.
It's a little more complicated than that, of course. "No fair" will not change the fact that she doesn't seem to want to. Sex out of obligation is only attractive to a percentage of men and women. So:
Of the 142 words you've written here, “We have stuff to do,” speaks the most to me. At the risk of sounding like less the femme fatale you should all be assuming that I am: I have been where your wife now stands. And, at the risk of sounding like a generalization-making, self-loathing woman: a lot of us can't do sex when we feel like the rest of our world is in shambles. Does your wife have a stressful job? Is she fighting with family members? Do you have kids who wet the bed? Is the house a pig sty? Are you having money troubles? I'm pretty sure the recession is killing hornies all over the world right now, for example. If you can't identify any problems like these, maybe there's something on her mind that she's not telling you. Take stress and add secrets and you've got the perfect conditions for a nasty case of the frigidity.
I don't mean for you to become suspicious of her. A secret doesn't have to be sinister or sordid -- it could just be something embarrassing that has very little to do with you, for example.
What I do mean is for you to pay attention for the next little while to anything that could be getting her panties in a twist, in the bad way. Though it may sound somewhat unsexy, maybe instead of buying flowers and making dinner, you need to do the laundry or wash the dishes or do your taxes. Supplement any increased domestic-flavoured sensitivity with plenty of non-sexual affection, just so she understands that you're not putting pressure on her. Sometimes women remember how great sex is when it happens 'by mistake,' i.e., when they find themselves surprised to be wanting it.
If no room for improvement becomes apparent to you, strike up a conversation. Not, “why don't we have sex anymore?” Something more like, “is everything O.K., my sweet? Anything stressing you out?”
One of the few good habits I have is asking my loved ones every now and then, “so what's on your mind lately?” I do it regardless of whether I notice anything different about their mood or behaviour, because I'm really curious and I really enjoy talking and I'm especially curious about the fantastic people I've managed to surround myself with. I also know what can go on beyond the surface without anybody knowing. If you're married to this woman, you probably find her fascinating! Why not ask to hear all the weird things in her brain, whenever you want to, just because you can?
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
No April foolin' ... here's a letter.
my boyfriend, who is an american living in canada for school, is leaving at the end of this year after he graduates. We've been together about 6 months now and for the first time i can actually say that i am in love. the unfortunate nature of the matter however is that there are no ifs ands of buts about his decision to leave.
every time i bring up his "moving home" he gets irritated and doesn't really want to talk about it. he is leaving, that's it. when i try to express my apprehension about our future he listens and then gives me the silent treatment.
the most irritating part of this problem is that i have no idea whether i make any difference in his decision. of course i don't want to hold him back from anything (he genuinely hates the city we are living in despite having numerous friends ) but i can't help but worry that i am investing too much of myself in a relationship that could potentially devastate me. i suppose that's the danger of being in a relationship.
what would you do?
ps: he has asked me to move in with him in september despite the fact that he will be leaving in december.
Great and good that you don't want to hold him back. Too often people throw away great futures on obligations that feel important when they're young, and chances are if you applied pressure and he knuckled down and you guys ended up not being it for each other, you'd end up hating each other AND not living the best lives for yourselves.
But this doesn't mean that he doesn't owe you anything. He's being extremely inconsiderate by ignoring your pleas for discussion on the topic. And he's inviting you to move in, without addressing the overhanging expiration date that his trip home insinuates regarding your relationship? Where is his head at? Why does he think he can put you through this emotional roller-coaster without any kind of stated future commitment, when you've made it clear that you need to understand things a little better?
The good news is that it looks like you probably do matter when it comes to this decision, because talk about this is so obviously a hard thing for him, and likely because he feels strongly about you. It actually sounds a lot like he may not know what to say because he is still making up his mind. I bet that's what the whole moving in thing is all about: maybe he wants to try you out as a housemate for a few months and then see how he feels.
All of this is understandable, but it doesn't change the fact that he is actually inflicting cruelty on you by holding his cards to his chest. He may be giving himself lots of time and space to really consider what's going on between you with the benefit of your occasional one-sided input, but what are you supposed to do?
And so the impulse is there for you to withdraw, a la “If he won't look after my interests, I'll make my exit and look after my own.” I don't get that this is where you really are, though.
This philosophy has allowed me to be hurt in the past, but I will stick by it: don't always act in a relationship with the sole purpose of protecting yourself. This does not apply if the other person is beating you or stealing from you... you need to protect your body and your credit rating. But, don't break up with a person, say, just because you're afraid he's going to break up with you, not if you still want to be with him, because trying to predict (and shield yourself against) the potential hurtful actions of others is no way to live, and it's no way to love either. It isn't really loving at all. Maybe, if you want to be with him in this moment, you should just be with him as long as you can. Or as long as you can stand it.
In other words, if you're not content to just ride it out and see what happens, I say keep trying until you're certain that it's really no use, or until he does give you an answer. You don't want to wonder if you did the right thing by just letting him go, and you don't want to live life at an arm's length either. I've been hurt before, but you can be damn sure I don't wonder too much about the past.
He needs to understand that it is selfish and cowardly to not confront these issues for his sake as well as yours. I'm not saying you should demand a commitment, because that's not going to help anybody, but I am saying you should demand some respect as a human being all your own who is effected by his decisions. Maybe make some suggestions, not in anger but in earnest, if you're comfortable making them. “Do you want to continue a long-distance relationship?” and “Do you want things with me to go on as long as they can without the promise of anything else?” are the two best options I can think of. Or, to be nice and succinct: “What do you want, man?”
every time i bring up his "moving home" he gets irritated and doesn't really want to talk about it. he is leaving, that's it. when i try to express my apprehension about our future he listens and then gives me the silent treatment.
the most irritating part of this problem is that i have no idea whether i make any difference in his decision. of course i don't want to hold him back from anything (he genuinely hates the city we are living in despite having numerous friends ) but i can't help but worry that i am investing too much of myself in a relationship that could potentially devastate me. i suppose that's the danger of being in a relationship.
what would you do?
ps: he has asked me to move in with him in september despite the fact that he will be leaving in december.
Great and good that you don't want to hold him back. Too often people throw away great futures on obligations that feel important when they're young, and chances are if you applied pressure and he knuckled down and you guys ended up not being it for each other, you'd end up hating each other AND not living the best lives for yourselves.
But this doesn't mean that he doesn't owe you anything. He's being extremely inconsiderate by ignoring your pleas for discussion on the topic. And he's inviting you to move in, without addressing the overhanging expiration date that his trip home insinuates regarding your relationship? Where is his head at? Why does he think he can put you through this emotional roller-coaster without any kind of stated future commitment, when you've made it clear that you need to understand things a little better?
The good news is that it looks like you probably do matter when it comes to this decision, because talk about this is so obviously a hard thing for him, and likely because he feels strongly about you. It actually sounds a lot like he may not know what to say because he is still making up his mind. I bet that's what the whole moving in thing is all about: maybe he wants to try you out as a housemate for a few months and then see how he feels.
All of this is understandable, but it doesn't change the fact that he is actually inflicting cruelty on you by holding his cards to his chest. He may be giving himself lots of time and space to really consider what's going on between you with the benefit of your occasional one-sided input, but what are you supposed to do?
And so the impulse is there for you to withdraw, a la “If he won't look after my interests, I'll make my exit and look after my own.” I don't get that this is where you really are, though.
This philosophy has allowed me to be hurt in the past, but I will stick by it: don't always act in a relationship with the sole purpose of protecting yourself. This does not apply if the other person is beating you or stealing from you... you need to protect your body and your credit rating. But, don't break up with a person, say, just because you're afraid he's going to break up with you, not if you still want to be with him, because trying to predict (and shield yourself against) the potential hurtful actions of others is no way to live, and it's no way to love either. It isn't really loving at all. Maybe, if you want to be with him in this moment, you should just be with him as long as you can. Or as long as you can stand it.
In other words, if you're not content to just ride it out and see what happens, I say keep trying until you're certain that it's really no use, or until he does give you an answer. You don't want to wonder if you did the right thing by just letting him go, and you don't want to live life at an arm's length either. I've been hurt before, but you can be damn sure I don't wonder too much about the past.
He needs to understand that it is selfish and cowardly to not confront these issues for his sake as well as yours. I'm not saying you should demand a commitment, because that's not going to help anybody, but I am saying you should demand some respect as a human being all your own who is effected by his decisions. Maybe make some suggestions, not in anger but in earnest, if you're comfortable making them. “Do you want to continue a long-distance relationship?” and “Do you want things with me to go on as long as they can without the promise of anything else?” are the two best options I can think of. Or, to be nice and succinct: “What do you want, man?”
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